desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Dear God! Stupid woman, and stupid bloody midwife. It's so fucking patronising, and anti-woman, somehow "oh, women work harder because they get a lovely suprise at the end". What bollocks. You "work" because at that point your body wants to get the baby out.

And a baby isn't a Christmas present, ffs. It's a human. God, I'm all riled up now, lela. You did well not to lamp her, frankly.

Story from a midwife friend which always makes me laugh - when she was in labour (and at this point an experienced MW) she decided she wasn't up for this pain and work malarkey, so asked for an epidural, and then decided she didn't want to push. So she pretended, gurny face and all, while nothing At All was going on below. This is after she'd refused to get off the trolley, leading to a whole obs team squished in round a bed plus a trolley, plus a mw on a drip pretending to push... Baby is now a strapping 20+ man, and none the worse for wear for his mother's bloodymindedness.

What a stupid thing to say indeed. I found out the sex of both my ds's and in no way did it make me work 'less hard' during labour?! You just go with what your body wants to do naturally.., and anyway, you still get a massive surprise, you get to see what your baby actually looks like, that was a big enough surprise for me!

I remember the moment clearly where I saw ds1 and ds2 for the first time, the best 2 moments of my life and in no way ruined by knowing what sex they were.

Lelarose [anger] - what a friggin idiot of a midwife. The very thought of working less hard if you know what you're having...

Just told dh and he says some people are just idiots!

I knew I was having a boy (he made it very clear on the scan lol) and I could not wait to meet him...

I can't believe that either. How terribly insensitive to say that (never mind it being a load of rubbish) knowing that there are women in the room who do know what they are having. You are right to be angry with her and her ridiculous comment. Just let it wash over you with a good dose of salts.

Habbibu is right. In the end your body just does it's thing regardless of whether you want your "lovely surprise".

As a first time mum it's hard enough having to think about giving birth nevermind being told that something you may or may not have done is going to have a negative effect on it. It's rubbish Lela, just like all the other stuff we are constantly made to worry and feel guilty about.

Guys you have no idea how much those posts have cheered me up today thank you all so much, just what I needed to hear.

Maybe my lovely surprise will be seeing how beautiful my son is and if he looks like his daddy and me.

By the way, they told me yesterday he weighs nearly 5lb already and I still have about 8 weeks to go, does that mean he will be really big?- its making me really quite nervous.

Lela don't let those estimates wind you up they are usually hopelessly inaccurate anyway. Your baby has finished growing more or less and is putting on weight now - 5lb now will probably get you a perfect 7 or 8lb baby

My consultant is the head of obs ultrasound at the hosp - he says scans (and other measures, I guess) are rubbish at predicting very big or very small babies. As a rule, unless you have gestational diabetes, you tend to have the size of baby that you can deliver, if that makes sense. Both dh and I come from a family of big babies, so I was expecting mine to be big - not quite as big as dd was (10lb 11oz!), but all the same she was a pretty straightforward delivery, and ds (9lb 1) came flying out!

Your son will be unbelievably beautiful. I love the mix of us I see in our children - dd has dh's eyebrows - make her look sweet and serious, and ds is (though I say it myself) a gorgeous blond bombshell - blue eyes and one huge dimple.

Lela, we'll keep up support threads for you from now on, ok? When the baby is born you might not want to ask the might of MN things directly - can be a bit daunting to fragile first-time mother - but everyone here knows your story and is here to help you, so you can consider this and subsequent threads your v own mini-MN.

Grr....what a stupid woman??!!!! FGS - I hate that she's peddling her opinionated nonsense to unsuspecting vulnerable (cos everyone is first time round) first time mums. And how insensitive. I found out the sex of DS1 cos I was worried about him and wanted to 'know' him as soon as possible in case something bad happened. People have lots of reasons for finding out the sex of their baby, not just because you can't stand suspense or what to go buy the right colour (but even if those were a person's reasons....they're their reasons and good for them!!! gah...I hate self-opinionated muppets like that midwife!!!). Rant over...and breathe....

But good for you for just letting it piss you off and not bring you down.

Knowing the sex beforehand doesn't detract from the awe that is looking at their little faces and seeing those tiny little fingers and thinking 'wow'!

Thanks everyone. I'm really really struggling today as I woke at 3.30am and was awake til around 8 when I drifted off and missed my counselling appointment. I've been totally shattered all day and very down and scared.

I'm finding my dp being away really awful, I never even know when he's coming home. I really need him right now. I know I shouldn't think so far ahead but I can't face being alone like this all the time with the baby. At times like this I really don't feel like i want them at all and it breaks my heart I feel so alone.

He will only get 2 weeks off. Just found out today he may be away a week extra this time. It's such a huge part of the problem for me. I don't think I would have got in this whole mess of finding out the baby's sex in secret if I hadn't felt so alone throughout all this, I would have talked it through more with him. I wouldn't mind living near his parents just so the little one can have them about but they're away in the country and I'm worried about being even more isolated and depressed out there when he's away.

I do really really want to be a good mum, I just don't feel its possible right now. Every time I see babies and little kids I feel so upset and jealous when I see girls an frightened when I see boys. I hate this.

Hi Lela,

I've been away for a couple of weeks, just popping in to say hello. Caught up about the stupid woman at antenatal class. What a cow. The MW at ours wasn't very thoughtful either, DH said he thought we shouldn't go to the rest of the classes after the first one. DS came along before then anyway. Thinking of you, busy as we are if you're near me and say where you are I'd try to be there for you in RL, even if just for company, although you might not want to be around my boisterous boy!

S

Thanks so much poppymouse but I don't think you will be near me and I'm too frightened to say where I am.

I am having a horrendous day with the SAME feelings about having a boy. I can't take it anymore. I want to go to bed and sleep for the rest of my life. Honestly- if I'd known I could feel this bad about having a boy I think I would not have risked getting pregnant at all.

I try and tell myself its just depression making me feel like this but its so much about the gender thing- the thought of having a girl is so wonderful to me, even imagining it makes me happy for just a second.

I feel like a monster and I just want this all to stop.

To try and stop feeling suicidal I tell myself I may be able to have another baby but the liklihood is I may not and I don't think I could handle this feeling again if it was another boy.

I'm SO ashamed and upset with myself for feeling like this and it just won't go away, I really feel this terrible sense of doom about the baby coming now, and it was something I had prayed for all my life.

I'm so sorry for repaeting myself, I know it must be difficult to know what to say to me, I'm just feeling a bit desperate today.

I've just made the decision once and for all that if I still feel like this when the baby is born then I should end my life and leave my sister to bring him up because she wants a child more than I do now.

I'm not attention seeking I just need to admit this somewhere.

I feel like my life is already over, I feel sick to my stomach with depression and disappointment.

I'm glad you feel able to admit it and I'm not going to judge you for it. Do want you to be aware that your child will grow up and at some point in their life wonder why you didn't stick around for them.

But if it helps you through today ok then - you will feel different anyway after the birth - I'm sure of it x

I'm scared to offend mothers of boys by saying this, but you are asking me to be honest.

I can't explain it, I just do not have any nice feelings towards little boys. Sometimes I can look at one and think he is cute, but I don't want one of my own, not like I do with girls. To me they just seem like minature adults, I do not feel maternal towards them at all. Even stupid little things like just looking at their clothes and toys makes me so horribly depressed I think I have nothing to look forward to in brining up this child, mostly alone. I feel like I will always be pretending I don't mind I didn't have a daughter and faking interest in a little boy's world. I do realise how shallow this sounds and hate myself for it, believe me.

I also feel like a single parent already as my dp is away so much and that is not going to change. It's my fault I got pregnant unexpectedly- I believed I was infertile- so this I guess is my punishment.

How do I keep going? Because there is no choice, I'm carrying a child. If I felt this scared and depressed otherwise I would calmly take an overdose and get into my bed and sleep forever, that just seems like such a wonderful option right now. I'm past caring what it would do to other people I just want out of this situation. I want to be pregnant with a girl and looking forward to her birth like a normal person.

I'm not prepared to ruin a child's life by not being a good mother. I've seen this happen in my own life and in my work and its horrendous the effect of not loving your child enough, I can't risk that. My sister would be a better mother, so if they are just a baby they don't need to know what happened to me and they will be better off.

Your baby will know, lela. These things come out, and your sister will be utterly, utterly devastated, as will your DP. I inow this sounds brutal, and I am sorry for having to say it, but it's true. You need to tell your psych and your counsellor, and you need to do it as soon as possible. This is depression, it's an illness, it's not a permanent state but you need to get more help.

I'm not offended by what you've said - tbh, I had similar, if much milder feelings. But you don't - you can't, yet - understand the difference between "a little boy" and your own son, between a stranger's child, and the baby that you hold in your arms and who looks back at you with your own eyes, or the eyes of the man you love. You don't have to like any other boy in the world - you just have to forge a relationship with one little person whose maleness comes from a man you adore. Try and hold on to that. And call your team. You need help.

well I'm a mum of a very cute little boy and I'm not offended and I still don't think these thoughts or feelings warrant the amount of self hate that you give it

What I do think is that (lovingly said) you don't have a clue and you won't have until you have your own baby and secondly

I understand your fear of being a bad parent - I have a DH who's only experience of a dad is an abusive step dad - he had these huge fears and he has turned into such a wonderful dad and he is so conscious of building a good relationship with ds and ds is besotted with his daddy.

You are still far too hard on yourself.

This might be interesting reading

Argh - not that I think your feelings won't surprise you when you see your own tiny baby for the first time - just to read this woman's journey - much of what she felt seems similar to your fears, and she and her boy triumphed in the end.

Thanks, I have read about the Anna Freud centre and contacted them for advice a while ago, but there is nothing similar here. Also I understand post natal depression can be treated, but I'm having therapy for my problem with the baby's gender and its not working.

I don't have a team I can call and ask for help. I have a psychiatrist I see about once a month now (thats how urgent they think it is). If I call him it will often take days to get a reply and then all he ever suggests is upping the medication which I want to come off now (god knows how as I barely sleep as it is) so the baby is not born "unsettled"- their words, I imagine that means born with the start of lifelong sleeping problems, which I have had and wouldn't put another human being through for anything. I have no faith in the doctors anymore I'm afraid, I have told them how I feel and have no support as a result.

I have worked in mental health and there is this popular myth that if you really feel bad and desperate enough, someone will be forced to help you, but unfortuneately this really isn't the case. If worst came to worst I could call a crisis team who could come and check I wasn't actually going to kill myself (I'm not killing my baby) and then leave.

I woke up this morning having a panic attack. I was expecting dp back the middle of this week but still don't know if he's coming. He calls everynight to say come on, it will be ok, you'll be a great mum, but its not enough I need someone here. I'm exhausted and just plain terrrified of giving birth. I listen to my hypnobirthing cds and its all great in theory, if you are looking forward to seeing your child for the first time it must make it all worth while, but all I can see is when this baby is out I am condemned to dealing with a little boy on my own for years ahead. I ask myself if I could choose to not be pregnant at all and never have another chance, would I really after all these years of craving my own child? Based on how I feel right now, I would be better off, because at least before it was only me getting hurt.

Honey, can you not get a Doula? someone who is of neutral ground, not family, not biased etc to support you?

Hi Lela,

Can you possibly persuade yourself to at least wait and see how you feel when baby comes? Genitals aside there isn't really any difference between baby boys and baby girls for such a long time, you will have more time to deal with things and be able to take medication without worrying about the effect on baby.

So sorry you're on your own.

Do not worry about in the slightest about offending mums of boys!! I am not the greatest fan of even my nephews but it doesn't stop me thinking my own boy is the bees' knees.

Big hugs. Keep talking to us.