desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

It must be an anxiety of knowing you will need to deal with unknown.
But boys are sooo much cheaper to have;)))
Got girls twins and a little one. thought myself I never wanted a boy, never liked boys. But mine is soooo cute, I dont want anyone else but him now.
My advice would be just hang on and you will see. He is 50% you and 50% your hubby. When you ll recognise the cute looks on his face (either your or ur hubby) your ll be amased of the nature and how well you both did with your creation:)))

You are so hard on yourself Lela. Can I tell you honestly what I think fwiw (which probably isn't much, as obviously I'm a microbiologist who knows bugger all about psychology really). I know that the trauma you're feeling is about having a boy. But I wonder really whether if you addressed your childhood issues with your mother/father then maybe it might give you some insight into the boy/girl baby thing and might help you work through what you feel and why you feel that way, and whether after understanding it all - facing it emotionally, not just intellectually knowing it - that some of your feelings about a boy might dissapate?

Sounds from your pp (and I hope I'm remembering this right) like your Mum (and Dad) were abusive/unloving and didn't treat any of you, least not the boys in your family, very well at all. Obviously your parents had major issues themselves. But none of that was your fault, or your brothers faults. And I know you undoubtedly KNOW but do you feel this? Its not because they were boys that your mother treated them that way - or maybe it was because they were boys? Who knows? But all that means is that she was a messed up individual and the reaction was down to her problems. You aren't your mother. Think of all the ways that you are different - I don't know you and I don't know her, but I bet you are very, very different. You come across here as someone so very upset about the welfare of her child (boy, girl or whatever), I feel you would protect that baby to the ends of the Earth - the most devastating thing to you is to cause it pain or suffering, be that with drugs or emotionally. Its crucifying you feeling like you do about a boy...because you're a loving, caring individual.

I think also the relationship with your mother (and father) may have fostered in you a feeling of being unloveable, unworthy of being acceptable, that your thoughts and feelings are bad or wrong. Many times the things you write you preface by saying that you're just such a terrible person for even thinking these thoughts - but they aren't that bad, they don't make us think you're a bad person - and we tell you that. But I bet you think...its just cos they don't know me, and don't know what I'm really thinking. And maybe that's true...cos we don't. But maybe its because you won't let yourself believe that you aren't bad or wrong or unworthy or unloveable.

You say that you've always wanted a child and your last depression was due to a fear of infertility. But now you find yourself pregnant and with a boy and you want a girl. But maybe you're so fearful of having a baby, and a baby boy at that, and that baby having the childhood you had, and its so overwhelming scary that you're almost mentally rejecting the idea or running away from it before there's a chance that anything bad has happened.

Give yourself a chance to breathe. Anything that helps...even if for 5min - do it, and keep at it.

I was reading The Times Sally Brampton advice page (now you know where I get my amateur pop psych from!)...and this struck me...

You can't 'think' your way out of depression because we get so trapped in our own heads that our thoughts become circular. We need somebody to lead us to a path that takes us out of the dark woods. You fear therapy won't work (in your case Lela you don't feel it is working/can't work). Well, therapy only works if we work with it. Its not magic. What therapy can do, though, is help us confront the underlying psychological issues that drive our behaviour.

Sorry for the essay and many apologies if I'm just way off mark. I really, really hope I don't upset you with any of this - I know you're feeling so fragile and low at the moment. I guess I just think you should keep on with the counselling - coming to terms with it, or addressing the underlying roots so you can move past it and be set free.

And one last thing...I know you say you have a plan if you still feel this way after the birth...and I know I always feel better having a plan. But your plan is not a good solution for you, for your partner, for your child or your family or friends. If you still feel like this after the birth - mother and baby unit. That's a good worse case scenario plan. [Or give them a ring now and see what they say - be completely honest with them about what you're feeling - rant, rave, cry - if that's how you feel.] But best case scenario....you'll feel completely differently after your baby is here and is in your arms.

zam- thank you for putting so much thought inot your last post. In many respects you are probably right, I am very affected by my childhood, it has coloured my whole life really. I am going to keep up the counselling, in fact when I woke at half 3 the other morning I was dreaming about my childhood and I got up and wrote a long letter to my counsellor trying to explain stuff I feel time is running out to talk about.

I have been awake since 4am today worrying about the effects of the cocktail of medications my child has had in his system since he was conceived- from the anti depressants I was still on before I realised I was pregnant, to the sleeping pills I shouldn't have been prescribed in early pregnancy (still angry about this) to the 2 drugs I am on now. The guilt I feel is indescribable. I have halfed the dose of medication I'm taking at night which is why I am only sleeping a few hours at a time, despite trying everything possible to help- last night I went and had a 90min massage and still never slept. I lie there thinking in my desperation to sleep about how the woman who did my scan said "sometimes we get it wrong" talking about the sex, but I know this is just clutching at straws.

I have also invested a lot of time and money in hypnobirthing but can't even listen to the cds because even thinking about the birth is too disturbing. I am (even after doing the course) still terrified of the pain, feeling totally out of control, how I will get through it after months of no proper sleep, and if i am brutally honest the thought of being torn or cut I find totally sickening. I dont think the answer is to ask for a caesarian but maybe it will come to that. The scariest part of all is of course that I may not love my son when he arrives, I can't stand the thought of that.

I now imagine life with a son who I have damaged by what has happened during my pregnancy and I find this mentally unbearable. I find myself doing stuff like looking into where dp will stand financially if I die and wanting to ask him to forgive me if I've damaged his son, but I can't admit to him i think this is possible. He told me last night he's away for another week yet, he is working really hard for us but I can't stand much more of being alone.

I am also scared to start a new thread on this in case someone else who hasn't read the rest of it starts talking about abortion or adoption or telling me I should be thankful for a child of any gender (if I didn't know that I might be able to live with myself)- I'm really not strong enough to take that again right now.

Lela I saw in an earlier post that you assumed that the comment that 'baby may be unsettled' meant the start of lifelong sleep problems. That's classic 'unwell' thinking becuase no one mentioned any of the kind. I understand your worry about the effects that meds have had on your child but babies are so so tough!!

My ds had some sort of disastrous infarct of some kind causing brain damage, yet he came out bouncing, for a few hours doing very well. Over the hours and days that followed he was pumped full of every drug imaginable as he had fits every five minutes that stopped his breathing and they had no idea why so they gave him anti-biotics, anti-virals, 5 different anti-convulsants (google that for side effects!!!), morphine for the pain of the tests....

All that in a tiny newborn.

And he has always been the happiest, smiliest, most settled child imaginable - loves his sleep as well.

Don't panic

I know what you are saying but its the fact that I have taken all this stuff while his little brain is still developing. They don't really know the long term effects of that on a child.

A woman I know had terrribke antenatal dperession, she was pretty much psychotic- interestingly a lot of it was fear of ahving a boy and was cured as soon as she gave birth to a boy. She lost her job rather than take medication as she didn't want to risk harming her unborn child- I keep thinking about this and I should have doine the same. I was scared to go on without any sleep, to not be able to go out to work and to lose my dp because I was so ill, but now I just feel guilty and selfish.

sorry that should have course read she was cured as soon as she gave birth to a GIRL.

But it may also have been that simply having a baby relieved her depression, lela - you can't know what would have happened. And just because she did without ads doesn't mean that you would have - you are a different person, with different brain chemistry, a different life. She did what she felt was right for her circumstances - yours are different.

And babies' brains are remarkably plastic; they continue to grow and develop and adapt after they are born. If you had any other kind of physical illness which required you to take medication to ensure that you were well for your baby, you'd be able to rationalise it.

I think zam's post is really good, and she's spot-on about the plan - mother and baby unit is a much better option if you feel you're not coping. Thinking about how your dp would be financially is kind of ducking the issue, isn't it? How he would be in every other way is really what's at stake, and what you propose is not a good option for him, for the baby, for anyone else, including you.

Re the birth - ask for an epidural from the start if you want. There are no prizes for pain heroics, and there are plenty of options for you. You can ask for an elective section if you feel it would help - that's what a friend of mine with a birth phobia did for both her boys.

Hi Lela, hope you don't mind me joining your thread so late, but I have read most of it. Just to say that I suffered with antenatal depression very severely and had the same fears about giving birth that you do. I just couldn't face it. In the end I had an elective c-section and I have to say it was the best decision I made during the whole pregnancy. It was peaceful and easy and when my baby was given to me, I felt delighted. And the recovery afterwards wasn't bad at all.
I had felt pressure to have a vaginal birth - the 'right', natural thing to do - but I'm glad I didn't because in the state I was in, I think it could have been traumatic. Of course if you have a vaginal birth it may be fine and I don't mean to scare you off that option, but I don't think you should worry or feel guilty for having a caesarian if you believe that would be best for you.

Thanks, I know there are no prizes for natural births, but did want to do it at home, plus I'm worried about the recovery form a caesarian, as I have so little help or support when dp is not here.

I have not gone to work today and am literally too tired to function, just spent hours lying in bed staring at the walls.

Did your depression lift at all when the baby was born hopingitgetsbetter? (or is your name the naswer to that question maybe)

Hi Lela, just back from my holiday. I have caught up with your thread.

I am appalled at that thick as poo midwife who was so tactless. But I am pleased at your reaction. I would have been so angry to an stewed and stewed about it. I am amazed when "professionals" do dumb things like that.

I think that the halving of your medicine is not doing you any favours, I mean it sounds as if your sleep has deteriorated again and as a result everything else tends to slide as well? I see that you have had some pretty serious suicidal thoughts again.

I want you to know that no one, but no one would be better off with you. You not being in the picture is not an option. In no way shape or form. No way. I want to come and see you and give you a big hug and tell you that face to face. You are a good person that is in a shit situation that will come to pass. With all the will in the world you are trying and trying to get better, and I see that you are, it is up and down, but you are getting better. Just consider taking the full dosage of meds you have been given. If you can read back over your thread you will see that when you sleep well, you seem better and when you sleep poorly, everything is very bleak. OK lecture over!

xx

I can understand you wanting to give birth at home as well. But if you change your mind/can't do it, don't worry about the c-section. In my case at least, I was able to do stuff like pick up the baby, take the baby out in the pram, pretty much straight after. It's painful but it's very bearable pain.
As for my depression - it certainly got better after the baby was born, though it didn't go away entirely. I found having the real live baby there, having someone to care for, to feed and to hold, helped take my mind away from the dark thoughts (at least to some extent). And when the baby is there, there are fun, distracting things - people come to visit you, everyone smiles at you and chats on the street, you go to the baby clinic, there are baby groups when you feel up to it. For me, just being busy in these ways was a big help.
I hope the same will be true for you too.

Hi Lela,

My notes had "birth phobia" in massive letters on every page. I needed gas and air before labour even started I was so scared!

I wasted a lot of energy and emotion worrying about things that either didn't happen at all, or weren't as bad as I thought they would be.

I had an epidural all along. I also had a morbid fear of being cut or tearing. I didn't feel any pain because of the epidural and when it came to it I was totally unbothered when they told me I needed to be cut. I wouldn't have believed it either if someone had told me beforehand that it wouldn't matter to me.

The pain after the epidural wore off was really not that bad, nothing like I thought it would be. They offered me codeine and paracetomol and within a couple of days I was just taking the paracetomol (and we had forceps and ventouse!).

I wish I could persuade you not to waste the energy I did - you will get through it, take the drugs if you need them!

If you can have a home birth I think that would be a wonderful experience, I would have loved to have had a home birth but it was out of the question due to being induced before term (waters broke early).

It helped my fear to do what was possible to prepare for the birth - like swimming.

Anyway, lots of love.

Lela I had a large cut and rotational forceps. I gave birth at 5am and had paracetamol at 12 and then nothing. i healed quickly and was back on my bicycle within 2 weeks.

Thanks all for your reassurance. I am trying to stay open minded about the birth.

Nice to hear from you thatsnotmymonkey, and I know what you are saying but I'm not cutting down the meds for any other reason than I don't want the baby born with them in his system. After next week I will be on maternity leave so the lack of sleep may be easier to manage physically if nothing else.

Saying that yesterday I literally didn't move and ended up crawling back to bed at 7.30pm I was so exhausted and depressed. I lay in bed imagining bringing up a son and it just crippled me.

What I have discovered is that being disappointed about having a boy is not that unusual, its just people dont admit it. Apart from the woman who had the terrrible pregnancy due to fear of having a boy, the one at work who said she'd be suicidal to have one, there was a girl in my antenatal class who was having a boy and was already asking how she could prevent conceiving another one in the future as she only wanted a girl (I don't believe for one second this is possible unless you have IVF in the states).

The problem is for me these feelings are out of control. I try to believe its just depression but it really is about having a boy. I still cannot see anything positive about it. I couldn't possibly admit this in RL which is why its so incredibly isolating.

I think my fear of the birth is mainly about not feeling there is something to look forward to at the end of it- how sick am I? I would willingly go through anything to have a daughter at the end of it, anything. I can't even name my child something I'd be happy with as there are genuinely no boys names I like, and stupid as it may sound I still find this so upsetting.

In the end of the day, I should not be having a child if I feel like this. But there is no way out. What do I tell my dp- listen I think we should have this baby adopted but can we try again and keeo it if its a girl this time? Because I do want to be a mother, just not of a male child. I have started waking up in the middle of a panic attack every morning and my first thought is maybe its all a bad dream and then I feel my belly and no, I'm still going to have a boy. Strangely enough I used to wake up every morning full of fear that I'd never have children at all- no pleasing me is there.

Sorry for long post- have read it over and realise how awful I sound- but nowhere else to admit all this and I'm hanging on by a thread here.

Sorry to dash and run, I'm off on holiday tomorrow - but just wanted to say I'll be thinking of you and sending you calming, positive thoughts (zap zap zap...hope you got those!!). Take care and be kind to yourself.

Lela,

It would almost be funny if it wasn't so frustrating for us and sad for you - you are convinced that your feelings are genuinely about having a boy, not a symptom of depression, but the last thing you say is so telling - before this

"I used to wake up every morning full of fear that I'd never have children at all- no pleasing me is there."

So if you weren't full of fear about this, it is very likely you would be full of fear about something else.

I'm not sure your feelings can be lanced by reason, but we'll keep trying in the hope something clicks for you. I just hope that if you keep talking to people and accept help, professional and otherwise, you will come through this and here is the thing - give yourself permission to stop feeling afraid.

Lots of love.

Why do I only ever feel happy and relaxed then when I allow myself to believe it could be a mistake, that I could actually be having a daughter? I read something the other day about a woman who was told at the scan that she was having a boy and it turned out to be a girl- I enjoyed a good few minutes of kidding myself this could happen to me and it felt great. My problems with this pregnancy were always about the baby's health and gender, I just couldn't admit it before.

I'm on anti depressants so why do I still feel suicidal? Before I found out it was a boy I said to my sister, the thought of having a girl makes me feel ecstatic, but if it's a boy I guess I'll just have to cope somehow. Thats how the rest of my life looks to me now- coping somehow. I'd do anything to change my feelings and if it was just general depression I believe I could. I only mention my previous fear of not having chldren to explain why I feel so incredibly disappointed in myself- as I have said many times before if I'd realised how I felt about having a boy I would probably not have risked pregnancy at all. But then would never have risked having a daughter, which is the most wonderful thing I can imagine.

I know you meant no harm but I don't really see how this could almost be funny, I genuinely don't feel like my life is worth living right now and have contemplated leaving my child without his mother. Of course I see that its frustrating for everyone trying to support me when my feelings dont change, which is why of course I continue with the psychiatrist and the counselling because I am desperate for things to change, my life is just horrendous feeling like this.

Lelarose I know what poppymouse means with almost funny, funny not in a hahaha sort of way but in an it all fits together neatly but you don't seem to see it.

She is right that you would be worrying about something else if not this. The brain has this ability to latch onto something and hold on for dear life when anxious. There was a time when I was convinced ds had leukaemia as his lymph glands were swollen. Nothing would change my mind and unstable as I was already it literally made me lose the will to live. Madly what got through to me was dh reeling off a whole list of scary illnesses that involve swollen lymp glands - it made me see my thinking wasn't going in a straight line because I was obsessed with this one thing.

You really have no right or reason to be disappointed in any of this as - and I will keep saying this - you did not ask to feel this way. You occassionally flee in fantasies of having a girl - distressing I know but again something your brain does to alleviate your distress for a short while while you come to terms with what is going on. And for the record I believe you are coming to terms with things, but it takes time as I have said before. What you do is no different from me having a time when I occassionaly told myself that I had not been abused and that it was all a big mistake and my own silly little fantasies. It frustrated some of my friends who felt I had to face up to it to get better and move on (which was true) but it was necessary to go at a pace that I could survive...

Sorry what an essay - but i feel I had to say these things x

lela I don't think anyone is frustrated with you in the sense that you are annoying them - it's more because we care, and hate to see you going round in circles like this.

Those of us who have been through the illness of depression and can look back on it from the "other side" know that your mind can play tricks on you, latch onto a specific issue and make it the focus of your misery, when actually it's the fog of the illness.

Everyone on here wants to support you - that's why this thread is so long. If people were fed up they would not be posting.

Lots of love to you xxx

I am going round in circles. I'll be totally honest, carrying the baby is literally the only thing keeping me alive right now. I do not see any future.

I'd give anything to turn back time but I cant and I've had all my dreams shattered. If being in love and having a baby don't make me happy I can't imagine what ever will because I waited my whole life for this.

I do appreciate all the messages of support I'm just in a really really bad place and I'm very scared.

Hey lela, Have you been out of the house today or taken a shower?

If you could, take a walk around the block, just for 10 minutes to feel some fresh air. Come on, get in a hot shower and then put on something you like. Pjs or a cocktail dress!

I know you are scared, keep talking to us

Thanks madmouse and getdownyouwillfall, sorry I was clumsy, it is the frustration that we desperately want to relieve your pain and anxiety and can't seem to find the words to say to get you to see what we can see, and that you are virtually telling us what we are trying to tell you, when you say you used to wake up scared before. But even then you can't see what we are trying to tell you, we wouldn't be here, still checking how you are once or twice a day if we were fed up.

Sorry I was clumsy.

Hi Lela, still feel a bit like an intruder joining the thread so late, so if it seems like I am butting in or saying the wrong thing, sorry. But I was wondering, reading the last few posts, whether the truth doesn't lie somewhere between these two points of view - i.e. are you depressed because you are having a boy, or depressed because you're depressed and you just think it's about having a boy. Let's imagine that even in a non-depressed state, you would rather be having a girl. The thing the depression adds to this fact is the feeling that it is completely unbearable and that there is no joy at all to be had in having a boy. I could imagine that in the future, you might still think that in an ideal world you'd have had a girl. You don't have to argue yourself out of this, I don't think. But in the future, when you're less depressed, you could also be enjoying and loving your boy, enjoying motherhood, enjoying other things in your life, maybe even planning another pregnancy. I think that these things will just come up on you slowly and one day you'll find they're true.

This probably sounds a bit trite and obvious, or over-rationalised, in which case just ignore. But I know that after I have been very depressed, the thing I've been depressed about hasn't so much gone away or been proved 'wrong', as ceased to matter in the same way, or to the exclusion of any joy.

Lela when my sister was in hospital having her daughter a lady on the same ward had a little boy when the sonographer had told her it would be a little girl (they aren't 100% accurate)
Like you she only wanted a little girl.The midwives and I assume the mental health staff did their best to help the lady accept her son but she couldn't and left hospital without him.The little boy was taken from hospital into foster care with a view to adoption.
I don't believe for a minute you would consider doing the same even though the option would be available to you.
I know you are really suffering now but you are fighting to keep going for your baby and I think you will be a fantastic mother to your child whatever the sex.