desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

asdx2 most people would read that story and think that woman was some kind of monster- I actually feel very sad for her and can almost understand what she did.

I am depressed because I do not want to have a little boy and I desperately want to have a daughter. Now this very specific problem I have is compounded by the fact that I am quite a depressive person, I am isolated, my dp is away so much it feels as if I am really alone in this pregnancy and will be with the baby, and I am pregnant and therefore hormonal.

Yes I did wake up full of anxiety before because I was told I may never have children. Someone very close to me is going through the same as this now- it is horrendous for her and she is not even a depressive like me. So the two things do not point to the fact that what I am experiencing now is depression which has latched onto the baby's gender like it latched onto my fertility fears.

I'm not trying to have a debate about this anyway I have no energy to. There is a whole website dedicated to ppl who are upset about their child's gender, ppl really do consider termination/ adoption etc over this issue and never get over it, not just ppl like me who suffer from depression. I just feel horribly guilty and like a bad person for these feelings because I want to be happy with my child so badly.

hopingitgetsbetter I think you are probably right, I think that is the best I could hope for. It won't go away, it might just not matter quite so intensely.

I have never felt this suicidal before or worried about how I am going to cope, this is way beyond the realms of any feelings I've had about anything in my past, which has not been easy.

I have been awake pretty much since 3am this morning and actually blacked out in the middle of a shop this afternoon I think just due to exhaustion and constant stress. I need these feelings to go away. If I could have electric shock therapy to change them I would do it because I hate that I feel like this so much. I know how to get through depression that doesn't involve the imminent birth if my first child, but under these circumstances I'm afraid I am just lost.

I think there is a lot of truth and good sense in what hopingitgetsbetter says.

It's probably unrealistic to think that these feelings of not wanting a boy are going to magically evaporate after you give birth, but she's right you know, just because you might still have preferred a girl, doesn't mean you will never be able to experience joy in your little boy.

Please can you give us the benefit of the doubt? You have not yet experienced what it feels like to have your very own baby - your own flesh and blood - placed into your arms for the first time. That tiny bundle who is so very vulnerable and tiny and gorgeous and who loves you and needs you totally unconditionally. It blows you away, it really does.

You have not yet experienced this, just like I had not yet experienced it either when I was pregnant. Nothing prepared me for the love I felt for that little bundle. I was so overwhelmed I wept buckets. The strength of emotion is an intense experience. I'm not saying it is exactly like that for everybody but please give us the benefit of the doubt as you don't yet know what it will feel like.

Can you accept that at least a part of your feelings now are due to your depression?

Yes I do accept that and I know I may still love my baby. I appreciate all of you so much, I hope its not coming across like I don't.

I was just explaining that depression I can approach as an illness that can be treated (believe me I KNOW its not that simple), but not wanting to have a son is not going to be resolved in the same way.

What happened today was horrible, but I don't think I'll even sleep tonight.

But not wanting a son is much easier to deal with when you haven't got depression.

You sound so sad and totally worn out. I wish I could take it all away from you I really do

I am exhausted. I guess at least here I can be honest and that is some relief. My best friend was round the other week and I said I'm really struggling, I'm scared I won't bond with the baby. And she said, oh I just know you will, and I can't wait for them to be born it's all just going to be so wonderful for you!! I just sat there smiling along with her and feeling sick inside.

And people close to me (ie not just all the ppl who have been commenting on how I carry my bump etc and saying oh its definately a boy) think I will probabaly have a girl, because, I can't explain it, I am the type of person you could imagine with a little girl, nothing about me is suited to bringing up a boy, and also everyone I know who has had a baby over the last 10 years has had boys- in the early days I used to think this would count in my favour as surely someone was due a girl, but no.

I don't know what I expect, I mean no one in RL knows how I really feel and they are hardly going to say no you'll have a terrible time, but its just incredibly isolating when I know nothing is right and I have to pretend. No wonder I don't sleep.

Hi lelarose, have been following your thread on and off and wonder how long you have to go now?

But perhaps you would be better to tell people close to you, that you are scared of having a baby and bonding with them. Then when they say something along the lines of "oh don't worry you will be fine..." you can say,

"I appreciate you saying that, but I am still scared, and I could really do with your support, and part of that support is acknowledging that this negative feeling I have is real for me, and I know that might make you feel uncomfortable." and then seeing what they say. Are you a tactile person, sometimes when words are no working, a good hug/hand hold can be what you need. Hug it out. I guess what I am saying is that on some levels you don't have to pretend, you can give some partial disclosure.

Is that a bit too out there??! Sorry if it is.

I have no idea what someone who would not suit having a boy might be. Can you see that that doesn't even make sense? I say that with love, I really don't mean to negate your feelings.

Is your DH still away?

I didn't think I'd suit being a Mum full stop. Some people still say to me, we couldn't have imagined you being a mum back at x time (only 3 or 4 years and DS will be 2 soon).

I think that was a good point about perhaps yes you would have been upset and disappointed at having a boy, but depression has tipped these feelings over into something unbearable and monstrous that feels to you like a shameful secret that makes you a bad person.

As I have just typed that last sentence I'm think how feelings of shame and being intrinsically a bad person can be deeply rooted for people who have experienced abuse. The horrible trick the mind can play on people is to keep finding "evidence" of this. Evidence that to another person would not be evidence of being a bad person that ought to be ashamed, and needs to feel terrified that people will find out what terrible person they are. Hence feelings of fear and not wanting people to find out what is really going on in your head.

It is a cruel trick, because when people do share the things they think are dark, shameful secrets (like abuse, or your feelings of guilt) any right minded person will say - that was not your fault, you are not a bad person and you have nothing to be ashamed of. That is very hard to accept when a person has lived their life with these feelings that trap them.

Your feelings are real and powerful but anyone with a kind soul would want to take away the terrible burden you are carrying with you.

But it is wrong to feel like you don't want the child you are carrying, that you are responsible for bringing into this world.

I have just been at the family occaision of a close friend, and all day people have been asking me if I'm looking forward to my baby coming and I have lied over and over again and said yes, whilst staring wistfully at all the lovely little girls there and trying to muster any kind of positive feelings about the boys (there were a lot of babies and small kids there).

I am not looking forward to anything about having this child. I have literally prayed (and I'm not religious) for the last 8 years that I would be able to have a baby and here I am feeling like I've made the biggest mistake of my life.

This follows me everywhere- every child I see upsets me. I used to dream of having a baby now I feel like it is going to ruin my life.

Even if I could be honest no one will say anything other than it will be ok because anyone close to me knows how much I always wanted to be a mother. Why did this change once I became pregnant? What has happened to me? Why did I not realise I only wanted a daughter and not risk getting into this situation? Sorry, I just don't know how to live with this anymore.

You do still want to be a mother. A longing like that for 8 years doesn't simply disappear.

Your thoughts and your feelings right now are totally clouded by this horrible depression which has you in its grip.

The "you" you used to be will come back again, I really believe you can recover from this.

Lela, I think putting yourself in that big gathering situation was incredibly brave. I think you must have an amazing reserve of energy and ability to just get through that. Honestly, well done.

You are scared and your mind is warping all your emotions. Being a mother is complex and intense and is something you will come in to. Just not yet.

seeing other kids and babies and thinking, oh god that is not me, I think lots of people feel that way. But your baby will be unique to you.

How many weeks are you now?

I'm 34 weeks and the baby is squirming about inside me and it's freaking me out. I feel so totally put of control of my body and my life I absolutely hate it. I'm so scared.

An ex-boyfriend of mine was a clinical psychologist, and I recall him making an interesting description of depression. He said, imagine you're in a supermarket, just wandering around. Your eye is caught by all the attractive packages, up, and down, all around you - so much choice, so much potential, so many interesting options. Then imagine that suddenly all the shelves except the bit just in front of your eyes are greyed out, and so you just see one, or two things, surrounded by a thick grey cloud, everywhere you look. The rest of the shop may as well not exist. That's what depression does. The point is, the rest of the shop does exist, but depression forces blinkers on you and won't let you see it.

So, if you can bear this analogy any further, there are many possibilities for fun and joy with this baby - there are boxes marked "Lela's fun with her son", but you can't see them right now. When the baby is born you will be in a better position to get some more help for your depression - different drugs, etc, and hopefully you'll start to see the opportunities you can't right now. Until then, will you take it from us that they are there? Let us be your guides while you're unable to see properly, iyswim?

And I was also thinking that you should re-read BeerTrick's posts - she wanted to run down a dual carriageway away from her son, iirc, but just stayed for one day at a time, and did bond - read those again and again. It happened for her, and can happen for you.

Not long now, and at the same time these last few weeks can drag.

I think you just have to trust yourself a bit, to trust that you will be past this and on to something new pretty soon.

I like the analogy that Habbibu gives, I think it makes alot of sense. What we are saying to you and what we can show you is just not something you can get your head around. But honestly there is alot of love and happiness coming your way. I have seen the shelves and they are brimming!

Thank you. I'm sitting here having a cry. Dp's been away 3 weeks now and my heart is acheing for him.

Aw Lela, please have a little cry. Three weeks is a really long time, and so close to your due date. I hope he will be back soon? Do you know when?

what you doing the rest of the eve?

Lela - if I was 34 weeks pg, dh was away for 3 weeks and I wasn't sleeping, I'd be bloody crying. It's reasonable and normal to feel crap like that, as is the feeling of being out of control - it's bloody weird, even if you're really happy about it, and so unnerving the first time. A lot of this will resolve very soon, and clear some space in that poor tired mind of yours.

He's due back on wednesday. My sister just dropped by to pick something up and tried to talk to me but I'm too down. I'm just going to go to my bed, I want to be unconscious.

Thanks for your very caring messages, please keep in touch I'm really struggling xx

That is nice that your sis popped round and that she tried to talk to you. That is a good thing. i take it that things are better with you both now?

Wednesday, good, not too long then.

If you think you will sleep then, go to bed. Are you reading anything good? Anything that would help you sleep.

Course we will keep in touch. As long as you need. x

OK - we'll hang on in with you as long as you need. Try to sleep. Stick the radio on.

Just come onto this thread. PLEASE contact you GP or MW as soon as possible.

Nonno, Lela is seeing a counsellor and psychiatrist, and her anxieties are detailed in her notes - she's getting medical help, just needs some day-to-day handholding.

Sorry - will leave it you wise ladies...

Nonno, have you read the whole thread? The situation is quite complex so if not please do Lela is under a counsellor and a psychiatrist and is on medication.

Woke up yet again at 4.30am in tears. Was having a dream about buying a dolls house for my daughter. I lay there thinking am I so pathetic that I feel this bad because I can't buy my baby the toys I want to? that I can't relive my childhgood with them?

The answer is partly yes. I can't name my child, dress my child or play with my child how I would want to. And at this stage as they don't really exist to me yet its hard to find stuff to look forward to. Obviously my girl could be a tomboy and tell me where to stick my dollshouse and my boy may turn out to want a bloody barbie so its clearly not just that, so why this need to have a daughter not a son? Maybe I do want to relive my childhood with a little girl and make it better for us both. To see how things could have turned out with not perfect but not abusive alcoholic parents. To do all the stuff I loved as a kid with my own baby. To see her grow into a woman, all the people closest to me have been women. I feel safe, relaxed and confident about being left to bring up a female child with no family support and dp away half the time, it doesn't phase me at all.

People will read this and say I would be putting too much pressure on a girl to have this perfect relationship but I'm not stupid- I know all kids hate their parents sometimes and it wouldn't be perfect at all. I also know that you can be very close to a son, I just have a complete inability to imagine this happening to me. I watch little boys and find it very hard to relate to them. My dp is the only really decent man I've ever been closely involved with. I will do my best to bring this boy up to be kind and decent of course, my child will be playing with guns over my dead body (lets home not literally eh, that sounds like a scene that could have come out of my childhood) but I can't imagine actually enjoying the process.

This sounds like such a rambling load of crap and also quite childish but maybe thats because inside I am just a damaged child. Thanks again for all your kindness and for sticking with me xxx.