desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Hey lelarose, s'ok we are here listening. How long have you felt like this?

How come there is no family support?

It is really hard when you are in this space, sounds like you are doing some really good things though, seeing the Psychiatrist and your partner sounds supportive. You are being really brave, honestly, it is not easy and you sound like you are doing the best you can.

What else is going on?

Have been like this pretty much throughout whole pregnancy. Thought at first it was just based on anxiety about baby's health, then told that ok so moved on since to my health, my relationship, my sleep problems, my ability to cope with the baby, and so it goes on. Now even worry about sex of baby which is the most awful, shameful thing I have ever admitted, I feel as if i don't deserve a child if I care about stuff like that.

As for family, I have a sister I am close to but she can't relate to or really deal with any of how I am feeling. My mother has not spoken to me or taken any interest since I told her I was pregnant- we have never had a good relationship and she lives several hours away (thank god, although for the first time in my life I really really feel the lack of a good mother in my life). I don't have any other family.

My partner works away for weeks at a time and I am now nothing like the person he got involved with. We just spent a rare week off together, during which I got so distressed he offered to take me to hospital. I want to get better so badly I just never sleep and feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

lela, that is so sad, and you sound quite isolated. What does your GP say?

Do you take any exercise, what about a yoga class, or swimming?

I wouldn't go near my GP, she knows I was terrified of never having children and to admit to her I'm struggling so much with pregnancy is too much for me, I saw her in the early stages and could feel the judgement.

I try to swim as much as possible but lack of sleep prevents me from doing a lot of things I'd like to and which would help me.

Lela Is there any way you could see another GP? It's especially horrible when you can't get any sleep. I know because I've suffered from it myself and it tends to make everything feel worse. If you can tackle the sleep problem and have a chat it may help you feel less alone. I'm currently on ADs which have helped my sleep but not sure what you can take during pregnancy. I found lavender oil baths used to help me with sleep when I was PG, so might be worth a try.

I would agree with trying to see another GP, also can you ask to see a mental health nurse as well as psychiatrist? I found them invaluable when depressed, they are often easier to speak to. what about midwife? Are u on any antidepressants? Post natal dep is more common but antenatal dep is often not noticed so much. What about partners family, friends?
Practical advice , try to get through each day at a time, keep busy altho if ur not sleeping that will be v hard, you really need to try and see someone

Ps keep posting, if it helps and try not to be too stressed over lack of replies, i really try to get on mumsnet when i can but with dc and dp working long hours its not do-able some days
Take care

Lela, I think the others are right, you should try and get the sleep sorted. I had a shirt bought of insomnia, and it was horrendous. I felt like my head was made of tin. I got some hops and put them under my pillow and that helped.

Hi there, thanks for the advice. The only thing the GP can do is refer me to psychiatrist and mental health nurse both of which i have seen but it doesn't help with how I feel or my sleeping. I can't take any medication as it makes me way too anxious about the possible effect on the baby.

I will continue to see the people I'm referred to and I have every kind of aromatherapy oil and relaxation/ hypnosis cd you can get. I just get to the point where I can't cope every so often and I hate myself for being like this.

hi lelarose sorry to hear you are still struggling we met on my insomnia thread, because I suffer with this too.

Do you think you are not sleeping because you are consciously worrying about stuff, or is it just that you lie there and just don't drift off?

The worry you can do something about, but if it is the latter it may be more of a chemical imbalance thing... when I got really bad insomnia before I wasn't worrying about anything, it was just like there was something "broken" in my head - the sleep switch just didn't work any more. In this case, medication may be the answer, and I'm not talking about scary benzos or anything... there may be an antidepressant that you can take safely during pregnancy.

Is the psychiatrist a mother-and-baby specialist? You should ask to see the peri-natal specialist as they will be able to advise the safest options for you during pregnancy,

You have my sympathy, it is awful to be so anxious and to go without sleep for a long period of time. You do not want to split up with DP - this illness you are experiencing is warping your thoughts out of all proportion

Wish there was something I could say that would help

I know it is hard to push for the right kind of help, is there anyone who could be your advocate?

You are in a deep fog right now, but you will come out of it. Can you talk to your Midwife? I would keep talking to someone who is listening.

I think there are anti depressants you can take safely in pregnancy and the drugs testing and control in this country is so tight and strict there would be no risk to you or your baby.

You mentioned alt-therapies, have you spoken to a good all round alt-therapist? I am thinking that maybe they could take you through some guided relaxation techniques? It wouldn't be cheap, but beans on toast for a while would be a better alternative than the way you are feeling now. A good mate of mine had acupuncture with good success for her insomnia.

Tiny steps.
Thinking of you Lela,

I am seeing a specialist perinatal psychiatrist. Based I think on the facts that I am still getting to work most of the time (being off just causes me more stress and I am turning up late and doing very little, barely functioning when there) and that I want to be better so badly, she just tells me that I am still "functioning at a high level", and agrees that any medication is counter productive to my state of mind- I took some in early pregnancy and have been told since that shouldn't have happened and this really messed with my head. The psychiatrist just tells me I'm ok and the sessions last around 40minutes which always feels really rushed. Have had a nurse round as well, and just the same thing really.

I'm angry and frustrated because being pregnant has brought up so much from my own childhood that I really believed I'd dealt with. I know I'm nothing like my mother, but deep down I am terrified I will not be able to bond with my baby and the lack of sleep and stress of being alone a lot will prevent me from being the kind of mum I really want to be. I'm failing at it already- I don't eat healthy or exercise enough and I'm constantly depressed and crying- this is nothing like how I would have wanted to be during pregnancy, I say every day it'll be different but then I'm just so tired it goes on like this. The baby doesn't even seem real to me, and I just feel so cut off from other people. My close friends either don't have kids or have never been pregnant- they have the same idealised image of it that I did for so many years and couldn't possibly understand how I feel- I was always the person who wanted kids the most, so why can't I just be happy?

'I was always the person who wanted kids the most, so why can't I just be happy?'

Lelarose having conceived fairly easily and by total undeserved luck when I wanted it after 10 years of marriage I have a lot of friends less fortunate. One couple has just had a baby by IVF, one by IUI and there are more.

One thing I see in them all is a lot of pressure. They wanted this child so badly and now everything has to be perfect. It doesn't, and it won't be. Yes you want to be a mum and now you are depressed. That's not a failure from your side to be the perfect mum you feel you need to be. It's just sod's law and very awful - for you. Because baby is fine. Your tears and low feelings won't harm your bump and in terms of eating healthily the baby will take everything it needs from you - you may end up a bit low in certain minerals etc but you are built to survive it. Contrary to popular belief you also don't need to eat well or drink certain things to make milk - you will just make milk regardless. So let go a bit.

You will be a mum, and you will bond, maybe not in the first five minutes (maybe you will) - but you will bond, love your baby and take care of them. You are not your mum (says the woman with an insecure attachment problem ). You are well placed to know what your little one needs and you will provide.

willsurvivethis- attachment disorder is exactly what I suffer from, my mother has a personality disorder and was unable to bond with us. This and, as you say, the pressure of wanting to be a mother myself for so long, plus the insomnia is convincing me that I won't be able to attach/ bond with my baby when they are born- I'm not bonding with the bump. I can't stand banging on about my childhood as an adult though, I've always prided myself on being able to rise above it. Does it have to affect even this for me?

Pregnancy just makes you so vulnerable!

My partner says "but this is what you've always wanted" and it cuts me up. He is under a lot of pressure with his work etc and I just make things worse with ,my constant hysteria- he had never seen any of this side of me before I was pregnant.

Thank you for reassuring me about the baby being ok in there, I can't bear the thought I could be harming or upsetting them, and thats why I want to ge better so badly so I never inflict any of this shit on them.

I do feel a tremendous amount of pressure- my partner's job makes things very hard and we were not together that long before I got pregnant (genuinely didn't think that I could). He is a lovely man and does his best but I feel as if i dont pull myself together I will split us up whether I want to or not.

I just want my child to have the happy family and loving secure home I never had, and in the process of trying to create this I'm screwing everything up.

Lelarose my sis was stillborn when I was two and my mum did not cope with that so wasn't 'there'. No active neglect hence insecure rather than absent attachment.

My ds is now two and I have been so so scared that he wouldn't bond with me properly as I have PTSD and was a lot worse last year when i really wasn't well at all. When I took him to his two year check they wanted a small group of kids to sit at a table and play with blocks. DS refused, clung to me, cried and refused to let go. The HV commented on how beautifully bonded and secure he was and that his response was absolutely fine. That afternoon it sunk in what she had (spontaneously) said and i burst out sobbing.

I still doubt sometimes but get lots of reassurance.

It wasn't an easy journey as ds started fitting at 12hours old and spent his first week unconscious in intensive care and two more weeks in scbu. I struggled with a huge fear to lose him and still now when he's ill I withdraw from him emotionally.

But we are closely bonded together and he is a secure and enterprising little lad who thinks he can conquer the world despite his disability which affects his mobility.

Sorry long story - just hope it offers you some reassurance.

I agree with what everyone is saying so I cant add anything new but you mention "I'm not bonding with the bump" I didnt love my unborn child nor my first either. I just felt it was a nice bump but never felt a bond and I am sure many others would agree. I wasnt infactuated with my unborn, I took it all in my stride, its nature and everyone does this. Nature is wonderful and all is well. I didnt bond or have this amazing love for months after the birth I dont feel sad about this I take a while to adjust and a new person in your life is a shock. I'd rec books for bringing up baby like Gina Ford - she helped me avoid any stress or an unhappy baby - i was scared of depression re-occuring. Worth a read.

You sound very lonely and probably board thats why you are dwelling on all these negative things in your life. Beleive me when you have a child you dont have so much time to dwell - your always planning so the negative is pushed back. Please dont lose your partner my experience is men can only take so much.

Finally, you have to decide which way to go from here. Do you want this child to be brought up in a happy environment? You have to address some of the points ie not eating properly - you can sort this out by planning your meals. Your insomnia is awful I had it for ages too which made my anxiety truely scary. This will go once you start planning your positive life. Go swimming even if yr exhausted. You can help yourself with professional help. Believe me we all have weaknesses and women suffer terrible.

Thank you I really appreciate you sharing this with me. He sounds like an absolute wee delight.

I guess at least we know what not to do to repeat cycles. The problem with my mother is she never had any self awareness- think I have way too much really.

Thanks again x

I have been away, sorry, just wanted to see how you are feeling?

Bacon-God I wish this was about being bored! I have 2 jobs, quite a hectic life and never seem to have much time to choose to dwell on things (except maybe in the early hours when yet again I can't sleep)- I am suffering from depression and chronic insomnia. It's really quite different from just being bored and lonely. I have some great, very close friends, but yes I feel isolated because I don't know anyone else in this position and I don't like admitting how I feel to people who would struggle to understand. This is why things are hard with my partner- I don't want to lose him and am very aware of how much he can take thanks, which is why one of the main reasons I'm finding this so stressful. I tell myself every day that things will be different and I will pull myself together but then I don't sleep again that night and its very hard to be the person I want to be. I guess thats the difference with being simply bored and lonely.

thatsnotmymonkey- thanks for asking how I am. I'm exhausted from still not sleeping, but spent a couple of better days with my partner after reaching rock bottom on Friday and made such an effort to be better around him he said it was brilliant to see me acting more like my old self for a bit, so I was pleased and proud of myself for that. Felt myself slipping down again today out of sheer exhaustion so made myself go and see some friends rather than getting upset in front of him again. I am determined that the second half of my pregnancy isn't going to be as hard as the first. It's just incredibly frustrating that no matter how shattered I am, and how much I am dying to crawl into bed throughout the day, when I finally get there I JUST CANNOT SLEEP!!!

I really really think you should see someone about the sleep thing, if you get that sorted you will feel so much better. Please make an appointment with your GP or with a good alt-therapist. Honestly try acupuncture.

It sounds like you made a huge effort over the weekend, that is really good, and must have been hard for you. Well done! Just do little things everyday that make you feel good. I don't know if you like making lists, but sometimes it is good to write out some tasks for the day on paper and the sense of accomplishment as you score them off is pretty good. You could put things on there like-
Sit down with feet up/eyes closed listening to relaxing music for 10 minutes
wash dishes
make dinner
put some make-up on
go to the shops and buy something nice for dinner
call a friend to say hello
write a postcard to DH and post it to him
file nails
lay on the bed, rubbing tummy, talking to the baby for 10 minutes
What do you think?

I think thats a great idea and I have actually made such a list last night when I couldn't sleep! I have hardly slept at all but am working from home today and scrubbing my house, which I find quite therapeutic.

I've tried pretty much everything (including accupuncture)with my sleep. It's been bad all my life, but now completely out of control. The ony thing that has ever worked is medication, but it's counterproductive for me to take anything whilst pregnant so have reached a bit of a dead end there.

My partner is away again for a bit now and I've made the decision that no matter how bad I feel while he is gone I'm not going to tell him, because it doesn't help, it just puts more strain on us and I know it makes him worry about the future when we should both be looking forward to it most. I spoke to a girl last night who is much younger than me and never had depression/insomnia but she said she didn't enjoy being pregnant at all and didn't bond with her son til he was born so that made me feel alot better.

Thanks for your replies, it does help. People in the real world would try and help me but I'd rather put on a brave face when I can, as it just makes me feel worse when I tell people I'm miserable all the time.

Have now not had a decent night's sleep since last thursday and I don't feel like I can do this much longer.

Lela, why wont you take some drugs for this, I mean if they were safe to take in pregnancy? Don't you think that the way you feel about drugs, the anxiety it tied up in feeling so tired?

Are you able to rest in the day?
Have you been signed off sick?

I took drugs briefly in early pregnancy. The dr at the time promised me they were safe. The next time I saw a different dr who said oh you really shouldn't have done that but never mind you can't change it now. This has stuck with me ever since and I can't go through feeling that guilt again on top of everything else. Have talked to psychiatrist about this and she says she cannot guarantee any drugs will not affect the baby and agrees this will only add to my anxiety. What she was offering was diazepam anyway, which I have tried before and just makes me feel like I am dead but still cannot sleep.

The best drug for me is zopiclone it works like a dream and if I wasn't pregnant I would bite the drs hand off for it. Psych doesnt recomend it in pregnancy. My fear is either that I somehow damage the baby's brain chemistry or that I start it off in life with sleep problems due to having these drugs in its system. I have had a lifetime if sleep problems and wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy let alone my child. Maybe I'm being hysterical and paranoid about this but its just how I feel.

I go to work because even if I stay off I don't sleep and I get stressed about not being there anyway. I have 2 jobs and work alone a lot and was signed off 6 weeks last year before I was pregnant because of insomnia and it did me no good whatsoever, just made things harder when I went back. Also in my other job if I dont turn up I dont get paid so no way I can afford to be off. I can see it getting to the stage of me being signed off again tho and then I will have endless days of feeling like a zombie and then I really will have time to dwell on all my negatives. People at work think I am just fine and in some ways its good for me to keep up that image because I have to if yoy see what I mean.

Waiting in for mental health nurse to visit, she is half an hour late again making me even later for work. They dont listen to me anyway they just say I'm coping fine. This is mental health all over, until you are literally unable to function its not serious enough, so you just keep gradually losing it as there isn't much support on the way down.

Hey Lela,

Sorry I know you have more and more going on that I can possibly know in afew posts, so I am sorry if you feel like I am badgering you, and not "getting it". It totally sounds like you have explored the drugs avenue, and to be hoenst I would feel exaclty the same as you. I would be too stressed out worrying about what effect on the baby, so I completely understand.

I also think that "keeping busy" sometimes is the best thing to do, and being alone with your thoughts is not so good. I know when I had my bought of sleeplessness I would be out and about all day as I could not bear to be at home alone!

I hope the nurse comes soon.

What are you going to talk about?