desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

And- I do know motherhood is about a hell of a lot more than names, clothes and toys. I'm not expressing what I mean to say very well here, I guess these things are just the icing on the cake when you are so miserably pregnant and trying to envisage the fun part at the other end, or looking for stuff to get your baby. I am totally aware of how shallow and trivial it al sounds. It's about so much more than that, I just can't explain myself very well why I even bring this stuff up. Sorry.

I think you're making a lot of sense, and expressing yourself perfectly well. None of what you're saying is unreasonable - we all have a picture of how we think raising children is going to be, and how we want it to be. You're not being childish at all. And it makes sense to want to try to make a better picture than the one you had, to try and make it how it should have been. Just because your rational side knows it couldn't really be exactly like that, because a girl would be her own person, and not you, doesn't mean your heart wouldn't ache for that.

The work you need to do over the days, months and years to come is to find a way to lay that picture down, and to create the new one with your dp and your boy. And right now you don't really want to do that, I understand, so the first hurdle is going to be accepting that. Maybe when your boy arrives and is present with you he'll help you take that step. And newborns are great in that they have such uncomplicated, repetitive needs, so you don't need to create a picture beyond the next day. That's what BeerTricks did - just stayed for a day at a time.

I think your last couple of posts have been really good - not shallow or trivial at all - the very opposite, in fact. You will get through this, lela, and you will build a new picture with your son. And one day you'll realise that it's there, and it's wonderful.

Great posts Lela and Habbibu.

Habbibu is right Lela, it's about creating a whole new unique picture for your own little family. This whole experience has brought up a lot of issues from the past and your brain is seeing this pregnancy and this baby as an opportunity to fix the past. Of course, rationally you know that isn't why you are having this child. You are simply having this hold to love it and create new memories and bring it up.

As you get better you will realise maybe there are other ways to 'deal with' the past and lay it to rest that don't involve having to recreate the situation again but better.

You really do have a gradual introduction in to the whole thing with a baby, as habbibu says, they only have simple, repetitive needs at first. You will be so bust dealing with nappies and feeding you won't have much time to think about the babies interests or what toys they will play with. It's much slower than hat, you will be waiting for that first time they gran something, first smile, first
Noise. It's all so slow that you'll have time to adjust and ease in gently.

I'm just babbling bit I hope you get what I mean.

Lela, you may think it's shallow but I am at my desk at work trying (not very well) to hold back tears at your description of the relationship you wanted with your child and you are afraid you will never have. You are talking a lot of sense in fact. I want you to know how it feels when you are sorry for all the other mums who are kidding themselves that their baby is the most beautiful and perfect creature ever born, when they all know deep down that in fact it is your baby that is the most beautiful and perfect creature ever born, and you will hold him close and gaze at him, and cross all the other bridges later. I'm not religious but I am kind of praying that you get that feeling in just a few weeks time.

Also praying that you can cope if that feeling doesn't come right away, or for weeks or months.

If my DH had been away for three weeks when I was 31 weeks, and I knew he'd be away a lot after the birth, I'd be pretty miserable.

Well done for going to a big family gathering.

Oh I really can't thank you enough for understanding and not criticising me for all this. It may not seem like it but just being able to admit my feelings, which I can't really do anywhere in real life, does help.

I was in the supermarket today and at one point was standing next to a baby boy. I just smiled weakly at him as I tend to do with boys because they depress me so much, and this little thing just stared right into my eyes and reached out his chubby little hand and kind of just held my arm for a few seconds. I had to turn away so his mum didn't notice the tears in my eyes.

This has to be ok, I can't be this unhappy for my child.

It will be ok, lela. Your own baby will look at you in a way you can't imagine. DS has my eyes (only so much prettier), and his steady gaze and bright smile just enchant me every day. DD, on the other hand, is very like her father - will have a monobrow one day, I suspect. I just see us in them all the time, and ds is so much more than I could ever have imagined.

Keep talking here, lela. Facing your fears, laying them out in print and talking them out with us will diminish them, will help to release their hold over you. And we'll be with you after he's born, and for as long as you need us. OK?

Lela, It seems so small, but to make that little bit of contact with the wee boy is a big deal, and a great thing for you to have done.

How did you sleep last night?

Hi I have slept ok and talked to my psych today about coming off my medication in time for the birth. This really frightens me but I have to put the baby first. He says he's amazed how much I've managed to cut them down already and that even though he thinks it would be safe to continue he understands I care more about the baby than myself- this isn't because I'm a selfless person its because I couldn't take the guilt if being born with medication in their little system casued them any problems. I've been a bad enought mother so far already and they're not even born yet.

Will just have to see how it goes, if I stop sleeping at all again tho I will go nuts especially with the thought of getting through the birth, so kind of an impossible dilemma.

Doesn't look like dp is going to make it home today I'm so angry at his work as they've made his return journey impossible but nothing I can do about it.

I am trying really hard to feel positive about my son and forget about having a daughter but its very hard as the future just seems so bleak, so wrong and uncomfortable and its hard not to indulge my fleeting mental images of having a little girl. It's ridiculous but the difference between bringing up the two genders just seems worlds apart to me.

Lela - you don't have to suddenly change how you feel overnight, you know? It's a hard, deep-seated feeling which comes from all kinds of pain. You just need to promise yourself that you will meet your boy with as open a mind as possible, and try your hardest to see him as a person, rather than a representative of gender. You don't ever have to like any other little boys!

And lela, lela lela. I'm going to say this in capitals, to drum it in, you lovely thing:

YOU ARE NOT AND HAVE NOT BEEN A BAD MOTHER. OK?

You have tried so so hard for this baby - you have taken medication to keep yourself well. This has been for your baby's benefit. OK? You aren't going to be a perfect mother, because that doesn't exist. There are going to be many things you get wrong, because that's what we do, it's how we learn, and it's how our children learn. But you've done so well - you were 21 weeks when you started this thread, and here you are, still hanging in despite everything, still fighting, still looking after your wee boy.

You're great, lela, you really are, and you're going to do this, and it's going to be ok. Not straight away, not even in a hurry, but it is going to be ok, and this wee boy, who has already had you facing your demons and fears from your past, is going to help you face and defeat the rest.

lela, can I just second what Haibbiu is saying, you are not and will not be a bad mother. Not in a millions years could you be described as a bad mother. You are so bloody strong and doing everything you possibly can to be well for your baby. That is not the action of a "bad mother" or a "bad person" which I know you are neither of.

You are a good person. A wonderful person, who is a great mum and who is getting through this, getting a bit better everyday. Yes you are. Believe it.

Sorry that your DH is not making it home today, will he be back tomorrow then? I hope so. Will he have time off when the baby comes. Sorry if you have already told me that.

Thanks both of you, my dp is sitting here wondering why I have tears in my eyes sitting at the computer. He managed to get home late last night so at least thats something.

He will get at least a couple of weeks off when the baby arrives but his work doesn't follow a fixed pattern (very stressful) so I don't know what will happen.

I have the counsellor today- last week I gave her a 10 page letter explaining a bit about my childhood- poor woman!

Thank you so much for all your kindness and for sticking by me xxxxxxxx

Glad dp is back. I am full of the lurgy today, as is ds, and it was my birthday yesterday, and I was SICK

Good idea to write letter to counsellor - hope it went well today. Feet up and tea and toast while dp is home.

My little lad (age two and a half) LOVES dolls houses - his little face lights up and he gets the people and the furniture and plays for ages, much more than his sister ever did. He loves playing with toy horses and his sister's plastic fairies. In fact, he'd be pretty upset if he didn't have those fairies (and he's a pretty 'blokey' 2 year old too).He has no idea he's 'meant' to be playing with cars and trains (though he plays with those too). He is much more cuddly than his sister was and very funny. I found the early months with him hard - hadn't been expecting a boy and, like many on here, had a few issues about this, but he's an absolute joy now, when he's not being a typical two year old. Dragging him away from a dolls house can be a noisy affair!

Oh yes - I went to a university psychology department recently where DS played with the dolls house and I said it was a bit funny but they said, "All boys love dolls houses." So I see no reason why you can't fulfil that dream. Many dolls houses are totally unisex. You could buy one now (no one will think this is weird as it's a nice thing to get in preparation for a new baby) and just say you've always wanted one. You know what you like and you can treat yourself. I know some people get all peculiar about toys for boys and toys for girls but I'd buy him what you think you and he would like playing together. He won't be shopping for a while, after all. Having fun with him is going to be the main thing and you will have a lot of input in this area.

I really sympathise with how you feel and wish I could magic it all better for you (I've been keeping up with you but always felt other people gave so much better advice and support than I could) and I really hope the future perks up. Sorry to waffle on. Remember the control you will have - he won't be choosing his clothes, for example, for a while yet. There are some gorgeous things out there for boys (admittedly not quite in the frilly pink line) but I always found buying boys' clothes I really liked helped me when I didn't get the DD2 I'd been secretly hoping for. (Sorry to admit to wanting DD2 when I know how you feel about missing DD1 - I know it will seem selfish)

Will shut up now and leave you in peace. You are doing a fantastic job x

Lela- bumble is right, boys do love dolls houses. My ds does, he also loves cars and baby dolls and drawing and wearing my necklaces and pretending to breastfeed. These little people can be so varied and hardly ever exactly fit the stereotype.

How did the counselling appointment go? What did she have to say about your letter?

Awwww thanks so much both of you- I love the thought that wee boys are into all that kind of stuff, I guess I do stereotype them sometimes as all being a bit aggressive and obnoxious and not into much except football and guns!

Well my counsellor said she got halfway through my letter- which was just a few edited highlights of years of what I would describe as mainly emotional but also a bit of the other types of abuse- and had to stop for a few days before she could finish it as she found it so harrowing.

I was really taken aback by this as I guess I knew it was a very unhappy childhood for me but didn't think other people would see it as so bad. I wrote it down because she said I always avoid going into it in person and I thought it would take months to explain verbally. I just woke up feeling shit at 4.30 one morning and wrote all this random stuff down.

I am now on maternity leave thank god its about time. Thank you for asking after me x

Hi Lela! Glad to hear you managed to write down some things about your childhood for the counsellor. Very, very brave thing to do and I really hope that getting that all out is going to be so much better for you emotionally in the long run than bottling it all up/avoiding talking about it and having this pressure cooker of pain and issues just waiting to take a strangle hold of life, like now. I think the counsellor's reaction is very telling too and I think its good that you see that anybody would think it was harrowing and you can see that you're a strong person for having got through it. And you will get through this too. Bet it wasn't random stuff either - probably felt random to you - I'm sure it was very coherent. Just think that from your earlier post where you think you're 'rambling' but just make crystal clear sense to all of us.

I have 2 DS's and at my house there is a pink pushchair with a baby in it, a cooker and food, DS1 loves cooking, DS2 loves cuddling/kissing and both love animals. DS1 has a small Star Wars fetish at the mo...which I guess is pretty boy-ish but other than that fairly unisex play selection. DS1 would love a dolls house...absolutely! Some boys are definitely more into cars etc. Some girls are more into more typically 'boy' stuff. Like you say.

Anyway....hope you're having a good Friday night with your DP. xx

At our toddler group the boys and girls fought over the pink buggy. The big blue one was very much second best. This is why I hate all the gender stereotyping shops do - it does make you think that girls and boys like very different things, whereas in fact it's laregely down to individual differences. I suspect my ds will have A Lot of fun dressing up in his big sister's clothes.

Good for you for writing everything down - I don't have experience, but i think victims of chioldhood abuse do tend to "normalise" things to an extent, and so are often surprised, as you are, when people who haven't been through it are shocked. I think that writing down your feelings when you can't sleep is a good idea anyway, as it may help stop the thoughts going round and round your head.

I'm glad you're on mat leave.Hope you can get some more rest now.

Oh yeah I forgot, ds has a pink buggy for his baby doll!

Glad your session with the counsellor validated what you thought, that your childhood was not very good at all and you are understandibly affected by this. Well done for writing the letter, it's a step in the right direction.

Lelarose I hope that your counsellors response made you see how much damage was done to you in your childhood and that you need a lot of patience with yourself.

Speaking from my own experience this damage can be healed (I'm a long way there) and it doesn't stop you being a good mum (I am a good mum despite everything).

I have believed from the beginning that you do not have a ''''random'''' problem with your baby's gender but that it is rooted in your past and I very much hope you are able to do some healing there. Bad thing about it is that whatever the cause it hurts like hell, good thing is you can put your past to bed and learn to accept yourself and that can give you a whole different outlook on life.

Am I rambling bad night!

Hi Lela,

I've not been on for a few days, it sounds like you're doing really well, the letter was a great idea.

My parents are visiting from afar and have been telling me about DS's girl cousin - it sounds like she is even more boisterous than DS. He loves anything with wheels at the moment, but also cuddling his teddies and beloved bunny (he really squidges them in tight). He likes it when I make them dance around to Teddy Bears' Picnic. Sometimes he takes over making the teddies jump around. He has lots of Happyland people and a house for them, which is kind of a doll's house, although I wasn't thinking that when I got it. He likes opening the door and putting the people inside.

Oh and he makes an absolute bee line for his (boy) cousin's toy kitchen when he go round there, and plays with it for ages.

I know you know kids don't all fit the stereotypes, but it's different when people tell you their own experiences, isn't it? And hopefully helps you picture playing with wee houses and having teddy bear picnics with your little boy.

Hi Lela, I know you are worried that you may not get the mother child relationship you crave with your son. So I thought I'd tell you about my family. I have three sons and two daughters. I didn't really have any preferences to their sex but I wanted a son for my first child.
My third child is my first daughter and like you I imagined that we could have a special bond because I lost my mum when I was only a teen and we weren't close before that.
You know what, my eldest daughter is just like me and we both clash and she is very much a Daddy's girl and always has been and now at 17 I don't think that will change tbh.
It's my second son with whom I have the sort of relationship I had hoped to have with my daughter tbh. We talk and laugh we shop and have fun together just as I would a daughter.
He's 22 now and the girlfriends come and go but we remain as close as ever. He treats me like a queen and I am proud of the man he is because I helped shape him.
It won't matter that your child is a boy, you'll be able to have the relationship you want regardless and it won't matter that you didn't have any positive male role models because you know what sort of a man you hope your son to grow into.
You will be his Mum and the biggest influence in his life so he will turn out just lovely.
You want to know something else I see other people's children and they don't appeal to me at all yet I love my own children fiercely. I don't think that's at all unusual tbh.
Stay strong, keep fighting you'll get there.

Just adding my ore about boys being more agressive and obnoxious. I really don't like little boys who are like that at all and I don't think I could handle it in my own children. I have three boys. DS1 is a real gentle soul. He's thoughtful and intellectual. He does like football but he will spend hours charting the world cup matches and results rather than want to bash around with a ball. DS2 is more of a boy's boy but he loves to draw, he loves animals and babies and he's so caring. He is the one that comes up to me and cuddles me when I'm sad, wipes my tears when I cry, lets me sit in the comfy chair in a cafe when there's only one at the table. DS3 is still a baby but of course he's adorable too :)

Last week we had DS1's friend over for a sleepover. This boy was a right pain and really difficult to keep calm and under control. I really couldn't handle him. You'd think having three boys I'd be able to handle a boistrous boy but no! I was glad when he went home.

I don't know whether it is mine and DH's parenting or genetic or what but none of my boys fit the stereotype. I guess all boys are different.

I hope you are having a lovely time with your DH. Thinking of you lela xx

Just popping in to see how you ate lela. Keep us updated x

Hi, i've been away a couple days with dp, not much quality time together tho as its been so busy with both of us having stuff on.

Thank you so much for asking after me and for sharing your experiences of having boys. I had a big wobble about it yesterday and actually said to dp we need to talk about this, I am really frightened of having a boy. His response is just that neither of us really know how to bring up a child of either sex and that we will learn together as a family. It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I do know how to bring up a girl.

He said we are lucky to have any kind of child and I said I know I just really wanted a daughter, just like how at first you kept saying you wanted a son. He said I don't need a son like you seem to need a daughter. I find this so upsetting because if we were having a girl then we would both be happy. Also he keeps saying, well you never know it might still be a girl. It must seem crazy that I still haven't said and he still hasn't guessed that i found it is a boy but he always says its the best surprise you will get in life and who am I to take that away from him.

What keeps me going I suppose is how much I love my dp. He is a big strapping strong masculine type but also very sweet and funny and I would be very proud to have a son like him. If I was told I could have a daughter after this I could come t terms with it, but its the thought that this may never happen that totally devastates me. to be honest I don't know if I could get pregnant again and if I could put myself through all this shit again (although there is NO WAY I would find out the sex again, ever).

I am in the strange position now of wanting the pregnancy to be over because I'm so uncomfortable and scared of giving birth, but also dreading the baby coming. Everyone says what gets you through labour is the thought of the wonderful gift at the end, but god forgive me I don't feel like this so how am I going to get through it. Oh bollocks I've made myself cry now. What a bloody mess I'm in.