desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Hi Lelarose,
I am at about the same stage as you (due on 30th oct).
My midwife said the nicest thing to me at my last appointment.

I have been feeling low, finding it difficult to take care of myself, really resenting the changes to my body etc. The midwife said that I was feeling like that because i was giving the best of what i have to the baby and I am trying to live on the leftovers, so I don't have enough energy, vitamins etc. She said "don't worry about the baby, it will be fine - we need to look after you"

You are trying to deal with some difficult issues. It sounds like being pregnant is bringing up issues about your relationship with your own mother and you are trying to sort it all out in your head on zero sleep, with all sorts of preggo hormones in your body and while your body is putting your own needs second after the baby's, without the backups of the medicines you used to take. No wonder you can't cope.

There are worse thing you can do for the baby than take medicine to help you deal with things better. They don't give them unless really necessary because they aren't tested on pregnant woman, so rather than they are dangerous, they don't know if they are safe. But things are pretty bad so it could be that its the safest thing to do at the moment.

And I second Emilm. I was moaning at work about how i don't like being pregnant. One of the woman I work with sounds like she had a dreadful time being pregnant. But she loved being a mum so chose to go through it again to have a second child.
(We came to the decision that the pregnancies you see on films & tv is about as realistic as giving birth is on tv. Real life would just make people change the channel!!)

I agree with others - you are having a very tough pregnancy but chances are you will be fine when you have the baby.

Sounds like pregnancy has really messed something up in your head. But the thing is you really want this baby, when you see him / her you will realise that life is worth living.

Please do get admitted to hospital if this is what they are offering you. It will be a safe place where they will look after you.

Lelarose, I am so so sorry you are feeling this way. I have family who suffers from depression, you wish you could do anything to help alleviate some of their pain.

I read your post where you said the root cause of how you are feeling is something to be ashamed of and that people who have even hinted of it here have been attacked and judged.You keep making references to this "awful thing". Please, please try not to let it keep playing on your mind. You sound so tormented by it.

I am sure whatever it is, there are extenuating circumstances that people know nothing about, so who would they be to make judgement upon you? I sometimes think the old saying "walk a mile in someone elses shoes" could be applied a lot more before people rush in to condem. EVERYBODY in their life has done things they are ashamed of. I know I have. Doing something you regret does not make you a bad person. It makes you human.

You say that you feel the people in real life that you are reaching out to, aren't giving you the support you need. First of all, how very brave of you to ask for help in the first place. That makes you are very strong person in my eyes, no matter what you say about yourself. Keep trying; or maybe you could give an general indication of what area you are in and we could see if someone else on Mumsnet could recommend a good person there for you to talk to.

In the meantime, although MN is just words and names on a screen, behind that we are also real people who are concerned for you and here if you need us. I'm sitting on my sofa at the moment that is covered in yoghurt and milk spit ups (from my DD, not me!) with ubrushed hair and dorky gap jeans if having a mental image of me helps you to feel not so alone.

Please take care of yourself. I hope you start to see some sunshine in the dark places very soon.

Hi Lelarose, I cannot say anything that hasn't already been said alot more eloquently. I think CHUNKYBREWSTER is right and that you are a very strong person for seeking help. Pregnancy and motherhood for me have been the scariest things I have ever done in my life and I was not prepared for all the negative emotions I felt mingled in with the overwhelming urge to keep my baby safe.
I have discovered that when it comes to pregnancy and being a mum, there is no such thing as 'normal' feelings, everything is pushed to the extremes.
There will never be any other person in your life that you will love as much, agonise over and feel guilt about than your child/dren. Please be kind to yourself and
I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best. xxx

getdonyouwillfall- what will happen to me if I go into hospital? did that happen to you?

Lelarose - I suffered with depression through both pregnancies and finally got help for it after DC2 born. Have had shit loads of counselling and on the other side now.

Please listen to everyone on here - we have all been through it.

For your info one of my BF is bipolar and suffered desperatly after birth of her DC1. She did end up going into mother and baby unit at her hospital with her baby and was very well looked after. She had ECT whilst in there but has recovered and gone on to have another DC.

She took meds through 2nd pregnancy as advised by pysch and various HCP. No problems with DC2.

If you have to go in hospital it is not the end of the world - you are not a failure. Mental health is an illness and needs treatment. You wouldn't laugh at someone for going in hospital for treatmet for a broken limb.

Please take very good care of yourself x

Hi Lela, I havent read all of the replys but I wanted to point out that your worry about how you will cope and how you will servive which is what every mother to be feels(just in different ways) I am trying to let you know that your worry as a mother is what we all feel because we CARE. Sometimes it takes time.
Do you have a hospital near by where you can have your appointments?
Please keep your chin up as high as you can and keep posting, you have support here.

To me from my own experience you sound down and a little parinoid. Like I said from experiencce.

You sound sooooo careing and worried which is every mother I know.

Please give yourself a break, spend 10 min sitting still eyes closed and just listen to your breath which you and your baby share. Sooorrrry if this sounds lame, I am just trying to help and YOU DESERVE ALL THE HELP AND SUPPORT YOU RECIVE.
I am comming out of a deppresion myself, I think you are brave and caring and you do care about yor baby. XXX all the best

I'm scared of hospitals though. Loathe them. I imagine getting admitted then being desperate to get out immediately.

The psychiatrist I see talks to me like I'm a rather stupid small child. I know exactly how that makes me sound but I have had psychs in the past who don't make me feel like that so its just just my illness talking. If I was to say anthing they would just dismiss me, after all I am the mental pateint and she is the professional. I don't think it actually matters who I see anyway, they do not have the answers for me. The only answer for me would be to turn back time and not have got pregnant. So there you go, I've said it. Before, when I thpught I could never have children I felt like my life wouldn't really be worth living without that experience. I literally ached for a child. Now I cant face bringing one into the world and ruining their lives and wrecking my partner's because I cant cope with my feelings about the baby already. This is destroying me.

I've had 2 texts today from close friends asking how I am which is lovely. I decided that for once I was going to be honest and replied that I cant get out of bed get dressed or function today. Pretending to be ok all the time is just too much effort now. I haven't heard back from either of them. I'm not whingeing, people owe me absolutely nothing and what can they possibly do anyway but I just feel so incredibly lonely, even though I am blessed with wonderful friends, a partner I adore, a sister who is has basically kept me alive and a healthy child on the way.

I keep thinking ok you are that bad now, call the hospital. But then I dont because I go through it in my mind, imagine being admitted and I know fine well I'd be begging to leave again immediately.

Lela, I have no advice for you, just support and the knowledge that I've been through depression like that and it does fade. No matter how unlikely that feels.

If you aren't comfortable with your psych then you can ask to change them, you need someone who you feel safe talking too.

And you know what, reading your thread, I think you will be a wonderful mother. You are caring and sensitive. I can imagine how terrifying it is, having no kids myself and TTC, my depression does make me wonder how I'll cope. And makes me imagine the worst. But that's the depression talking, and trust me, the depression lies.

It will all be ok. We're all here for you.

If you are scared of the hospital, you should go and ask to be admitted. If you get worse or something bad happens and someone else makes that decision for you - then you won't be allowed to leave until 'the professionals' decide you can leave.
If you ask to go in yourself, then you change your mind you should the be able to leave at any point (I think).

And I don't think the answer would be to be able to turn the clock back. The answer is to make it through to october and be able to look back and say 'god, I was fucked up - thank god thats over'

AND its not wrong to feel lonely in your position. You are doing this alone because all the people you have listed are a long way away. I think you'd be weird if you didn't feel lonely with your partner away such a lot and no family close (can't remember if you said most friends lived a long way away too - i think so - 2 texts from friends means they are thinking about you, but its not the same for you as having people in the house with you, so don't tell yourself you are wrong to feel lonely)

hi lela yes I did end up getting admitted but this was after my baby was born.

Although at the time it felt like my world was crumbling around me, hospital was actually the only safe place I could be. I needed protecting from myself

Unfortunately it's not 5 star, but the staff I encountered were all warm, wonderful people who really cared. And I was not the easiest of patients!!

So, yes I believe it is the best place, when you reach crisis point and cannot be trusted with yourself any more.

I just called the hospital and was told to call NHS24 to speak to someone, which I'm not going to do. I do feel suicidal but the baby is preventing me from acting on that, and what are they going to do to help me anyway?

I'm also just too tired. I took one of those sedatives last night and could feel myself getting really sleepy but for some incredibly bizarre reason I fought it til 3am this morning as i kept saying to my sister I was too scared to go to sleep because I didn't want to wake up the next morning feeling like this again. At least when I've taken the drugs it gives me a short period of calm.

I tried to sleep this afternoon but i just lie there thinking that I dont want my baby anymore because I've now got it in my head that I wont love them for a very fucked up ad horrible reason which is killing me inside and making me believe I want and deserve to die.

I had depression and insomnia before pregnancy but nothing on this scale-is this hormonal? A woman at my work told me she was even worse than this, interestingly due to precisely the same fear, but what saved her in the end was that the fear never came true, which it already has for me, so I'm no longer reassured by that, which in my darker moments used to get me through feeling like such a freak.

I'm sitting watching people outside in the blazing sunshine leading normal lives and I've only just managed to have a wash at 5pm. I cant get dressed or dry my hair I feel like zombie. I had a huge amount of things to do today and have achieved precisely nothing.

My friends arent far away btw they just don;t know what to say or do. I don't begrudge them at all, I'm responsible for myself. I feel exactly as if I am at the bottom of a black hole in the gound. I can see and hear people above and around me but I cant reach them. Every so often the hole gets filled in a bit more so thatI'm slowly suffocating and being buried alive.

Lela, What has come true? this is not a judgmental thread, I'm wondering if a stay in the hospital may be very beneficial for you and your baby right now, i hope that you are getting some support from ppl close to you

anyway sending my love and best thoughts xx

Lela, What has come true? this is not a judgmental thread, I'm wondering if a stay in the hospital may be very beneficial for you and your baby right now, i hope that you are getting some support from ppl close to you

anyway sending my love and best thoughts xx

I have a very specific and severe psycholgical problem to do with my baby.

I cant admit to it because I think people will judge and attack me for it. It is the kind of thing you cant possibly begin to understand unless you have experienced it and I cant even explain it myself, I feel it is horrible and unnatural and offensive to feel like this.

This is precisely the reason I dont feel like I want or deserve to live anymore. I am deeply deeply ashamed and distressed by this.

I am just existing through each day to keep the baby alive because its my duty. think probably best to do ths at home rather than in hospital but cant imagine feeling ok anywhere really.

Lela have you heard of postpartum psychosis? It can exist prenatally have any of your health professionals discussed this option with you?

you do not need to be ashamed of this, as being ashamed will only make you feel worse as not only will you have to deal with your own issues but the perceived issues you may face it is very important that you are honest with your care givers to the extent of you feeling and emotions so they they can give you the appropriate treatment.

I kind of hope this is a form of psychosis, maybe then I can get treated for it?

Lela I can't help but feel that your shame is not necessary. Even if you would have elaborate fantasies of cutting your baby out or killing it after birth or whatever - that's what my fantasy can quite easily stretch to - it's your illness talking not you and you need to talk about it to safe people so they can help you not to feel that way.

In that case Honeymum may not be far off with psychosis - psychosis makes that you don't see it quite so clearly.

lela honestly no one will judge or attack you on here. You are ill most of us on here know what it's like to be in that dark place.

The fact you are horrified by it yourself just shows that you do not really want / accept that thing - it is alien to you, because it is part of the illness, and the illness is lying to you and telling you awful things about yourself.

When I was in hospital I made an attempt on my life as I was having awful dark thoughts, even tho part of the real me was crying out against them. Looking back I can see how very ill I was, only being better do you realise that those accusing thoughts are part of the illness, they are a delusion.

Please share what's on your heart, it may help you to get it out and have some reassurance that no one will judge you for it.

oh god willsurvivethis thank you so so much for what you just said..its so helpful to me that you admit thinking like that, no with meit isn't about harming the baby its about an aspect of the baby I feel incredibly upset about and I'm terrified this means I cant love them enough.

Its hard to admit to because its about an innocent child and my feelings are not fair or right. I try all day long to convince myself I dont feel like this but I do extremely strongly and its breaking my heart.
My partner knows nothing about this and I dont ever want him to. As I said before I have tried mentioning it to the psychiatrist and she just changed the subject and glossed over it, but its the root of all my feelings.

I have experienced this kind of depression where you lie in bed all day and cant get dressed or leave the house, I always functioned somehow, so I think maybe this is some kind of breakdown?

I have no one to talk to tonight, my sister who is the only one who knows how I really feel is having her own problems and spent all night last night with me, I'm not putting her through it again. I'm not going to hospital tonight so I'm just taking it 5 minutes at a time and hoping to get through the rest of the night here on my own somehow.

thanks to you as well getdown i know some of you might not judge me but I'm too vulnerable to face anyone telling me how I feel is bad I know it is I seriously cant help it.

If I thought I could have ECT to try and get this feeling to leave me I would but the idea terrifies me. Its just all I can think of.

thanks to you as well getdown i know some of you might not judge me but I'm too vulnerable to face anyone telling me how I feel is bad I know it is I seriously cant help it.

If I thought I could have ECT to try and get this feeling to leave me I would but the idea terrifies me. Its just all I can think of.

Lelarose I've never thought like that myself about my own baby - my illness came later. But I wanted to show you that such thoughts are not as far fetched as you might think.

I'm actually wondering whether the psych glossing over it might simply mean that what they heard you say was not actually such a big thing and that they did not recognise it as a huge thing if that makes any sense. It is possible that you have made these things very big in your mind and have lost perspective a bit.

I doubt very much they would give you ECT lela - it's really only used as a last resort.

It's a nasty thing - the only thing that appealed to me was the general anaethetic and the thought that I would be unconscious for a while.

But it messes with your memory and does who knows what to your brain. Please don't start thinking about ECT...

Sorry I hope I didn't offend you there. Whats upsetting me is that big a deal because its something that cant be changed and since I realised I felt like this it has completely changed my feelings about the pregnancy. If I'd had any idea I was capable of feeling like this I'd never ever have got pregnant.