desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Oh lelarose! So many women feel as you do!! honestly it's nothing to be ashamed of. I always imagined me having a DD, and that's what I actually got. I don't know how I would have reacted if I'd had a DS instead.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. When you see your baby I really believe none of this will matter anymore.

Hey Lela
I have had a dreadful relationship with my mother and that is what hit me hard when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I had longed to be a mother but when it actually happened I couldn't cope with it. I was so afraid of having a girl as I didn't want to recreate the same life that I had just come from. I never knew the sex of my first until she was born and when she came I have to say I found it so hard to bond with her. I never had that feeling of love that I had expected and to be honest I struggled, but now I truly believe that it was the best thing to have happened to me.
She made me confront so much stuff that I had been carrying around and in reality so much has improved with my own mum. I can never forgive her for what she did to us but I have learned to accept it and move on from it. I can no longer let her hurt me as I have new priorities now - my husband and my children are what is important.

While I was pregnant a friend said to me that the only way I would recreate my own past was if I was my mum and my baby was me which is impossible. It was this knowledge that got me through. I kept thinking it and willing myself to believe it was true.
It is so ok for you to be scared about all this but sometimes things happen for reasons we cannot even comprehend.
Thinking of you more than you can know. x x x

I just wish more than anything else I had discussed these fears before i found out the gender and maybe prepared myself for it better so I didn't feel so bad knowing it now. But I got in such a state I took some bad advice and found out. I've been horrifically depressed ever since, and my partner was right it is better not to know. Now whenever anyone asks me if i know i lie and say no and they go oh its so much better to have a surprise, specially when its your first, an it makes me feel physically sick. I literally ran out of my work the other day halfway through a shift when someone said "oh I can just so see you having a...." which is what i was praying for, came home and cried hysterically. I hate my life right now. (sounding like spoilt child sorry)

I have, as you may have noticed, huge problems with forgiving myself when I make what i perceive as mistakes in life, ie decsions that backfire on me.

This will be my only child you see, and try as I do to deny it, it just feels totally wrong.

I think you need to tell your partner that you found out , and also tell him what sex the baby is.

You cannot carry this burden alone for the rest of the pregnancy.

Telling him, you will be able to come to terms with it together.

I can't see it working, you trying to pretend you don't know

I could not imagine having a boy before I had DS. I hoped (and still do) to have 2 children and really hoped that DS would be a girl so that I wouldn't be disappointed with number 2 if it were a boy as I would already have had "my girl".
I found out at 21 weeks he was a boy and was really really surprised, although happy enough.
I didn't have that huge rush of love when he was born, although I loved him, IYSWIM. It took a little while longer to look at him and feel that rush of love.
But I cannot imagine having a girl now, because DS is, well, he is him IYSWIM and I love him as a little person in his own right not as a boy or a girl.
I'd like another baby and I can honestly say that this time I wouldn't mind at all, because I'd know it's the relationship with the child that is magical and that is where their gender is irrelevant.
You will find this in time too. You will love them more than you thought possible. But I still think you need some help dealing with these feelings of fear and guilt.

I really think you are being far far too hard on yourself. You have to accept that you do know and move on from it. You have to harden yourself to other people and not let their comments etc upset you - easier said than done, I know. It's a bit different but my sister is getting married and wants a really low key wedding and everyone she knows just can't understand why she doesn't want a meringue etc. She said the other day that she wishes she'd never gotten engaged but what she really means is that she wishes other people didn't have opinions, but they do and she just has to let them gloss over her.
My first pregnancy felt totally wrong too and I would have given anything at the time for someone to take it away from me - I would now hate to think that my child would ever know that, but I think you have to be brave to admit it, and brave is what you are. But what can you do - you are pregnant and you have to accept that. Just wait and see where it takes you in the long run. Nothing in the future is set in stone. If someone had said to me that I would eventually love my daughter I wouldn't have believed them, but I do.

If i didn't know I wouldn't be torturing myself like this about it and there may have been some hope that I could have continued my pregnancy with some kind of peace of mind. Instead its increased my anxiety and depression so much its now become unbearable. I spent all day in bed today with the blinds shut writhing about the bed wanting to get out of my own skin and separate myself from the baby.

I do see me ending up in hospital. Before finding out the gender I was looking forward to seeing friends I've not seen for ages this weekend, then today i couldn't even go into my own garden to take the washing in for fear of even seeing a neighbour and I haven't eaten anything but toast as I cant get round the corner to the shop. I dont want to talk to anyone or see anyone while I'm pregnant now because there is no happiness or pride in it for me now.

I need to stop going on like this soon I'm just being self indulgent now, not used to being able to admit all this to anyone.

My partner wants a surprise, always has. He'll be overjoyed with what it is, and I dont what to take that momemt away from him, my feelings and behaviour have ruined so much of this experience for him already.

I WISH I'd never found out and cant get past it right now.

You are NOT sef indulgent!

And from the sounds of it you are still getting over the shock.

Give it a bit of time

lela, I don't know if this will help, but:

We lost our first baby - she was a little girl, and had a fatal brain defect we discovered at 21 weeks. We were devastated, and I promised myself that if I could just have a baby, I'd never complain, never anything. Then we had another baby, a girl, and all was lovely.

A couple of years later I had a molar pregnancy and spent most of the year in follow-up. The odds of both things happening to us were ssometjhing mad like 1 in 12 million. I really wanted just one more baby, and was lucky to get pregnant a month after finishing follow-up. All was fine, and yet I had this relentless niggling worry about having a boy. I don't know why - maybe I just wanted my two wee girls to both be here, maybe because my sister has two - what I'm trying to say is that you think I'd have had some perspective after all we'd been through.

When our baby was born it was a wee boy - for a second I thought "oh no", tbh. But then I looked, and there he was, so wee and so beautiful and so mine. And now he's sitting next to me (yes, not sleeping) and trying to drink the dregs of my coffee. And I would not change him for the world.

I'm lucky not to have suffered mental health problems, but I just wanted to show you that issues over gender can affect the most balanced of people, for all sorts of reasons, even if you know that what really matters is a healthy baby. Your mind has taken a normal odd feeling and run wild with it, but that doesn't make you a bad or offensive person.

I think i better go for now, i was feeling calmer for a while their and now the awfulness is creeping back in and I can feel myself starting to not cope again. I cant get past this I've made a terrible mistake and made everything so much worse i cant stand it.

Thank you all so much for listening you'll never know how much it helps.

Please god i get better, this little life inside me is all thats keeping me alive right now I'm just incredibly unhappy.

Thank you all you have been amazing x

lela, don't go. Please. Everyone wants to help you through this.

sorry habbibu I cross posted with you there, just so sorry for what you've been through and so glad you have your lovely boy now.

I should only care about my babys health not their gender I do really hate this.

Lela you must be exhausted seeing what you've gone through tonight from being adamant you couldn't talk to telling us. Try to rest and check in with us tomorrow x

I know, lela - but so should I have! I knew first hand just how much could go wrong and still, still I felt anxiety over having a boy. It's very common, and in your case in wildly exacerbated by the fact that you are ill.

do you know how bad I am? I have spent hours researching how often they make mistakes about sexing in ultrasound scans and praying that is the case. I cant get over this its my every waking thought.

And if I'd just left it theres a chance I wouldnn;t have felt this way when the baby was born and spared myself 4 more months of this horrendous depression. I just dont know how to forgive myself even though I know theres no point I did it and I cant undo it.

BTW, what you're feeling so bad about is miles off something anyone here would think less of you for. It seems like your partner really wants to support you. Might it not be a huge relief to tell him you know now? My DH and I have a habit of not telling each other stuff we're worried about and it was pointed out to me I'm not allowing him to support me when I need it. It is difficult to ask for help when things are tough, maybe it's worth giving him a chance to help you though.

yes I will do willsurvivethis. you've all been amazing. Goodnight and all the best to you all xxx

Lela

Just wanted to add my support and share my experience in the hope that it will help a little bit.

You already are a good mother, you are worrying about how to protect and nurture your child. Do not be ashamed of your feelings, they are perfectly natural and very commonly shared by countless women. We cannot control our thoughts.

I have 3 children, 2 of one gender and one of the other. I have not bonded with my bump any time.

I really wanted my third child to be the same as the first 2 due to my past. I spent the last 20 weeks (after finding out that number 3 was not the same) obsessively and miserably trawling the internet trying to prove that the sonographer was wrong and feeling dreadful about this.

Well as soon as DC3 was born all the worry evaporated and I have bonded brilliantly and all the guilt has gone away.

Pregnancy can be truly dreadful, I am so sorry you are having such a terrible time. Please try to be a little kinder to yourself, no one is judging you as harshly as you are. Keep talking, I have a bit of a history with depression myself and always find that telling someone you trust your darkest thoughts can really let out the poison for a little while.

huge hugs and support

x

Hi guys,

Just wanted to let you know that I slept last night (drugged admittedly) and although I feel depressed today its not as bad yet and I'm going to try and get dressed as there I things i need to do and I'm going to try and actually get out of the house, so wish me luck.

It has helped me more than you can imagine to admit how I feel here and not have you all turn on me like I was expecting because I'm so ashamed of my feelings. Being told there are other people who have felt like me about the same issue makes me think maybe I'm not as bad a person as I thought.

My first thought when I woke up today was still to torture myself about finding out the baby's sex though and I need to try and convince myself this was not such a terrible mistake- maybe now I have the opportunity to try and deal with how I feel about it before they are born? I dont know. Know what you are saying about telling dp, but feel I have let him down and he would be horrified at how upset I am about it.

The pressure is intense because I wanted this baby so much for so many years, and this will be my only child so never any chances to have the one I felt was "right" and natural for me to have. As someone has suggested yes I guess it is about issues with this gender from my past to some extent, but thats not really how I see it as human beings are not all the same due to gender and there are people of that gender who I love and adore. Its much more than that it just feels totally wrong for me to not have a daughter (big step to admit this but there I've said it). I know its irrational I just CANNOT get past it. I saw a tv show about women who keep on having babies because they crave to have girls so badly and befoere i was in this situation I would have said oh for gods sake you are so privileged to have any children at all stop being so spoilt and ridiculous and accept what you have already been blessed with. But now I see its like a very deep psychological urge that it is very hard to deny.

I'm not going to go on and on i just feel dead inside now about the baby and its not easy to cope with this. Hope i can get through the day without breaking down again, thanks for your support x

Well done Lelarose - you're doing as well as you can right now. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it.

Just because some woman on tv goes on having babies until she has a girl doesn't mean you won't love your little one - not at all.

We are here whenever you want to talk.

How are you today lela? We're still here and will listen to you whenever you want to talk. Hope you can get a little rest and have something to eat.

lela I'm so glad you got some rest last night. You sound much calmer and more rational today.

Remember that every child is an individual. I always wanted a girl because I loved the idea of dressing her up, doing her hair, doing "girlie" things together. However, she has her own very strong personality and can already see she is unlikely to be a "girlie girl". Very independent and not clingy with me at all. It has been a big adjustment for me to get round this pre-conceived idea of what having a girl would be like. So, what I'm trying to say is even if you were having a girl, it may not be what your expectations are.

Similarly I know friends who have had a baby boy, who has been the most cuddly, affectionate gorgeous little thing you can imagine. Often mums and little boys are closer emotionally than mums and little girls.

So, I guess I just want to comfort you - each child is unique and all the things you fear / regrets you may have, may never materialise.

lela stop beating yourself up! (easy for me to say, I know). You are not an evil person, this is how you feel and you have to deal with it so you can enjoy your beautiful baby boy once he is born. Because he is yor beautiful baby boy who you will love more than life itself...no matter how you feel now.

I can understand a little of what you say about a boy feeling wrong. I couldn't imagine having a boy and if I'd been told I could only ever have one child I'd have been really upset to think I would never have a girl. But now, if i had another boy I can say I wouldn't mind in the slightest. I wouldn't have believed this before having DS. I also thought I'd want that mother daughter relationship and that there would be something missing in my life without it, but the mother son relationship is just as wonderful.

I'm wittering on, but I just hope to try to help you see that it will all be OK if you can try to ease up on yourself and get some help to process these feelings. It will all slot into place and you will love your baby and they you.
xx

Lela, I have read through this post, and my heart goes out to you, depression is horrid and exhausting and all consuming.

I would say that, because you mentioned that you will only have one child, it must be a kind of grief you are suffering. You know, the shock of knowing you will never have the sex of baby you wanted. I can relate to that in that when my first was born, and he wasn't a girl, I felt such shock. And suchc confusion. I wanted this baby, but not a boy!

He's now 11yo and I haven't thought about this for so so long - he's my son, and I am incredibly proud of him.

I am sure that, until you meet your baby, your feelings are all over the place. It honestly will be different when you have the baby. Until then, I can appreciate that the waiting is awful. Depression is awful.

Wishing you all the best. Please keep posting, there is some excellent advice here.