desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Hi Lela, I'd like to second what everyone has said on here already and give you some of my story too. I had therapy throughout my pregnancy which was an unplanned pregnancy. I was shocked to find that the pregnancy woke in my so much awfulness which I thought I had buried in my past, things about my childhood and thoughts about my mother who I lost at a tender age. I too was suicidal and couldn't really bond with the baby. I had lots of thoughts about not being able to be a good mother and it being best for all if I just disappeared, best for the baby too not to be born. However, I didn't do it somehow and I did survie the turmoil and although I am sad that the romantic experience of pregnancy was denied me I am happy I am here and am a mother to my dd. Its been hard work but it has been worth it. Did you know that having a baby is one of the most stressful things you can ever do? There's a lot of us out there who hasn't had lovely pregnancies and who found being a mother really hard, both in the beginning and who see it as a continuous journey. Whatever you think about not being good enough - its not for you to say though is it? Its for your child to decide in time. And I can guarantee that your child will love you unconditionally. If your afraid that you wont love him or her then at least you are mature enough, which this thread shows you to be, to be able to articulate that to people around you and be supported in learning to love. Deep and meaningful relationships are really scary, I am still scared stiff, but if you meet me today you wouldn't think that I had such a hard time of it when I was pregnant. Hang in there and talk to us. I am thinking of you.

It seems to me that you need to trust one of the professionals you are involved with, with the deep seated reason that you mentioned in a previous post that you are very ashamed of.

I would imagine that try as people might, they will be of limited help to you unless they know the picture 'inside you' more fully; otherwise it's like going along to the doctor without your right leg, and saying "Dr, can you help I have a pain in my right leg"!!

I do wish you all the very best, clearly you are poorly right now but lots of NON depressed mums are terrified and regretful when they get pregnant even if it's long planned. Me included. I felt we'd made a horrible mistake. It's very, very normal to feel that way.

oh, and someone as thoughtful as you in my opinion is far more likely to be an excellent mum - your anxiety, fear etc stems from you thinking about the child and it's life etc etc. The truly crap mums do not think that way.

in my personal opinion right now ALL you need to do is think about getting through each hour - again, personally, I think your only and most important task right now is to comply with psych appts and with medication - take it, go to it, and do it regularly, make it your routine. It's that way the days pass.

Heartfelt good wishes x

sorry I'm tired & can't post in full, but well done for reaching out. There's a lot of knowledge, kindness & support here.

From my own experiences with mental heath & emotional issues (In life & in early pregnancy anyway) please try & get into that pool at every opportunity. Keep swimming for physical, mental & emotional health - it will be helping you (& baby) even if you don't think you can feel it.

big hug

Lela, I will post again in the morning. I am thinking of you and sending you love.

Hang in there.

Post again please.

Please listen to all the other posters on here, you are not alone in this.

Lela, I will post again in the morning. I am thinking of you and sending you love.

Hang in there.

Post again please.

Please listen to all the other posters on here, you are not alone in this.

Lela - just wanted to add my story here.

I don't have depression, but I do have epilepsy, which means I had to take medication throughout my pregnancy. I was told from the off that although they 'thought' it was safe, it was a very new drug, with less than a hundred women having had a full-term pregnancy on it. Throughout my pregnancy I kept dwelling on the fact that they had 'had' to tell me that the risk of something going wrong had increaded because of my medication, and that once I'd had my baby I wouldn't be able to breastfeed because the medication would pass into my breast milk. I know what it's like to spend the entire pregnancy dreading something going wrong because of your health - I felt like an utter failure, because my body wasn't good enough, I was polluting it with chemicals, and even my milk wouldn't be safe for my baby to drink.

My baby was fine. I'm now pregnant again, and I still take the same medication. It's hard, not knowing what the meds might or might not do to the baby, but believe me, they wouldn't be offering you tablets if they thought it would seriously harm the baby. Please, please don't beat yourself up for needing the medication - you haven't failed, and you aren't harming the baby by taking tablets that medical professionals give you. I don't know why that second doctor said what he did about the tablets, but it was very unprofessional of him to worry you like that.

I really do wish you all the best, and I hope that the mental health services can help you more than they are right now. If you've already told your sister how things are, maybe you could ask her to make phone calls for you - sometimes you do need someone else to do some of the legwork. I handle my DP's appoinments and consultants for him because he can't, and they often seem to take me more seriously than they do him. it's utterly wrong, but if that's how the system works, then that's how I'll play it to help him. if you can find someone who can help you, that might relieve some of this pressure. The Samaritans and the Citizens Advice Bureau offer help there if your sister can't help you.

just wanted to post and tell you that pre-natal depression is more common than you think - worth a google.

Someone else may have mentioned this as I have not read all replies but I have a friend who also suffered from terrible depression when she was pregnant. It is not as common as Post natal depression but anti natal depression is something that really exists. You may be able to google it. My friend's depression lifted as soon as the baby was born. You do need to talk about it. your midwife may be able to help. It's not uncommon for raging hormones to make you depressed.

Dear Lelarose, just wanted to say there's one other person out here touched by what you're going through. You sound like lovely and have depth which in my view will make you a great mother. A work colleague told me when I was pregnant that she didn't bond with her baby straight away and warned me for the first few months just get through the feeding and care aspects and don't be surprised or hard on yourself if there isn't that instant bond. Just take one day at a time. Just focus on the practical things when the baby is there.

I've suffered from depression in my life but found having a child took that away - having a baby focused me and gave my life some meaning. He's the best thing that ever happened. I, as well as a lot of mothers, worry if we're any good. Life changes, it has its ups and downs. The way you feel now will not be forever. I hope you can sort out your insomnia (I've had it too, not nice) and I think this might be one of the first steps to you feeling a bit better.

Please keep us posted. Look after yourself and don't be hard on yourself. Take each day as it comes. You can get through this. Perhaps it is a chemical inbalance and you need medication to help (I've had that too). Whatever, it's not your fault. Not sure if my words are any help. Hope they are.

Lelarose - I've just been looking at this thread and found this via an old Guardian article: positivelypregnant.co.uk/default.aspx - it might be worth a wee look

Call the Samaratans asap (I think someone else suggested this too?) - it means you can say things to complete strangers without prejudice rather than them whirling around in your head stressing you out.

What about NCT? www.nctpregnancyandbabycare.com/info-centre/getting-help/helplines

I am not judging you, however, you are most definitely putting too much pressure on yourself. You are halfway through the pregnancy - you have done really well! If you have to take small amounts of meds, it should not damage baby but always check. Can you stay with a friend for a few days? Maybe a change in environment might help a bit?

Lela can you post a life sign please - two words will do.

Morning Lela, please post x

Lela, please hang on. You are not your mother. I hope you get the help you need ASAP xx

hi lela, i have the same insommnia problem for years and years, i was taking almost 40mg of zolpidem a night at one stage and was 5 weeks pg (i didnt know) i beat myself up through the whole pregnancy and i wouldnt take any kind of tablet again until ds was nearly 3. my mother abandoned me and my sister to bring up 2 other girls of similar ages when i was 7 years old and i too also had no bond so i was worried that i would fail as a mother especially as many people saw my as a joke and though that i would fail miserably, i was still with h then and was suffering from domestic violence, i shall always remember sitting in the corner of the room sobbing and wishing i was dead. i went to the hospital as often as i could and listened to his heartbeat as i was prang something would happen to him as i had tried 4 years and years to fall pregnant and was told i would need ivf. i had a horrendous labour and ds was dragged out by forceps, but the minute he was put into my arms, everything changed, i stopped beating myself up about my mother, because at the end of the day i am not her and will never will be, i still went through some serious shit and eventually fled h and moved 2 a refuge, i have needed help and things have not been easy but they are also not as hard as they were iyswim. sorry for long post but i just want you to know, its not always gonna be like this you have the ability to break the cycle of sadness and begin your life as a mum my in every sense of the word xx

and hugs.. that's all I have x

LELA ROSE I had depression and severe anxiety when I was pregnant with first dc.Please remember your body is going through huge hormonal changes etc, this has a massive impact on your mental state,things will NOT feel like this forever,when your baby is born things will settle down.Please tell your midwife how your are feeling, perhaps it is an underlying axiety that even you do not realise what it is iyswim.With regards to the insomnia ,I am so sorry you are suffering with that, it is not nice,Have you got all th practical things into place ie room right temerature, dark enough zer caffeine eic.I have found that chamomile tea has really helped me I have a cup at 6 and then one an hour before I go to bed.An old wives tale is to have a lettuce sandwich before bed as there is a chemical in lettuce and celery that is sleep inducing,these are worth a try.I think once you have cracked the insomnia other issues will not seem as bad.Paul Mckenna has a book "I can make you sleep", this may be worth a try, along with some calming tapes.Lavender bubble bath is also supposed to be good.It is easier once you break the cycle.Good luck

Thanks everyone who has posted their stories. I hope Lela is reading them.

Your kind words and sharing of your experiences are overwhelming to me. Thank you all.

It does help but the root cause of how I feel is still so immensely shameful I can't talk about it. If it has been so much as hinted at by other people on here they have been totally judged and attacked. I am sicker than I ever realised. I have tried to talk to the psych and the nurse about it but they both changed the subject. To be fair the pych did me why I felt like that specifically but I cant have it on my medical records, I really cant its not fair to the baby to have anyone read that I felt like that in years to come. So I'm going to go for private therapy. I've even considered asking for ECT to try and get these thoughts out of my head.

My sister had to come and stay with me last night. Even on medication I was up til 3am ranting and shaking and crying and we talked about getting me admitted to hospital as this is getting too much for my sister to deal with. She loves me and cant listen to me talking about throwing myself in front of a car (to make it look like an accident)after the birth so that my baby can grow up without me around.

Its a beautiful day outside and I cant even get dressed. The only positive is that my partner isn't here to witness this.

Lela - big hug

Thanks for posting

sorry you feel so cr*p

But there is nothing you could have done that is so bad that you must suffer for it like this. Nothing, nada.

Dear Lela,
So much of what you write I can relate to and I just wanted you to know that I had ante natal depression with my first child and there really is light at the end of the tunnel. He is a wonderful six year old and have gone on to have another who is now two. That first pregnancy was the worst thing I have ever experienced and it was such a shock to me to not only not enjoy it in any way but for it to turn me in to an irrational person who planned ways of disappearing once the baby was born and was convinced that my mood would harm the baby somehow. I took anti depressants, Sertraline from around 28 weeks and had counselling which really set me up for when he arrived. Once he was born the relief was huge and the reality of him being there and caring for him was far easier than all my fearful and anxious expectations. I was convinced I would have post natal depression but in fact really quite enjoyed the early months. I never thought I would get through it but I did and you will too. By being open about it I have learned that many women find pregnancy far from easy and it is nothing to be ashamed of.
You are in my thoughts

Its not what I've done its how i feel about it. I went on another website which I realise now if full of extremely damaged people and took their advice over something to do with the baby and its made everything so much worse. I did it because how I am feeling is such a massive taboo and I didn;t feel I could tell anyone un RL.

I cant bear to be in my own skin.

Hey Lela
If you say it's how you feel about it then have you tried CBT? It might help you to rationalise and think about things differently.
I think there is so much pressure on us all to be these perfect people, particularly perfect mothers and I'm sure that no one can ever live up to this. You talk about taboo but I think that because so many of us have the same feelings and can express them here, that you have to think that there isn't such a thing as taboo really. It's so hard to admit that you are struggling especially when you think that everyone else is breezing through it, but really they aren't and if they say they are then take it with a pinch of salt. I think that most people just aren't honest about how hard it all is and the fact that you are being honest shows how much inner strength you have.
Thinking of you. x

Oh and I called the NTC perenatal depression place last night and the woman I spoke to just said she didnt know what to say to me. Everytime I reach out for help in the real world it makes me feel a bit less hope, hence why I'm talking to strangers on a computer.