desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

You absolutely did not offend me!! I feel any woman who falls ill during pregnancy could end up with thoughts like these, or other extreme thoughts. You are so crazily vulnerable when you are pregnant - this new life grows inside you, you make lots of hormones, you need to look after this life because it can't live without you etc.

sorr y for saying it out loud but you make every impression to somehow struggle with the sex of the baby. Did you find out at 20week scan? Again there is no need to be ashamed. It happens all the time. And it doesn't mean you won't love the child. Mother feelings are waaaaay more complicated than that.

If you don't want to deal with what I've just said the easy thing to do is to ignore my post, I won't push and won't be offended.

Your baby is blissfully unaware of whatever is going on in your head. You have not harmed or scarred him or her.

Honestly you will probably feel so different once you get through this awful pregnancy.

getdown you're right its a horrendous thing and it terrifies me its just so does the way I feel.

I miss my partner so much I pine for him. I was getting better last weekend when he was home and he said he was so proud of me, then I did something the middle of this week behind his back in an attempt to help me bond better with the baby- my intentions were positive- but it totally backfired and I completely fucked myself up worse than ever. I have to get better now before he comes home again because it would devastate him to see me even more unwell. He is so stressed and just wants me to get better. We argue all the bloody time cos of me being like this but really he is what keeps me going because I never felt like this about any man in my life before

hey, slow down, slow down! You are piling sooooo much pressure on yourself.
You can't say things like "I have to get better now before he comes home again" - you are just going to make yourself worse.

If he loves you he will stick by you. He should be able to see that you are ill (we can see that on here and we are not even with you physically). You should ask your psychiatrist about "carers support" - he could be put in touch with other partners to talk about how he feels, it would help him understand and support you better

Hes not going to be my carer I dont want him to deal with this he does love me but its putting too much strain on our realtionship.

He will be away a lot over the next few weeks so I have that time to try and really deal with this. Honestly, I know exactly what you are saying but this is how i need to deal with this as my problems are wrecking everthing for us right now. I've had to deal with other people's mental health throughout most of my life and I want to protect him from any more of this, i really believe thats for the best. He should be allowed to look forward to the birth of his first child even when I cant.

willsurvivethis I'm crying my eyes out here now because I do want to deal with what you just said I'm just very very scared to open up about it.

Lelarose it's his child you are carrying - you need to do this together. Getdown with her usual wisdom is totally right - you can't tell yourself to be better before he comes home, it's a surefire way to get worse.

I understand a little bit in terms of gender. I have a ds, dh keeps talking about wanting a dd, but I'm worried I will cope really badly with a dd because of my own past.

That may be totally different from your own experience.

You can CAT me if you want, or you can write it down and let someone read it - psychiatrist, psychologist whoever you see.

yes willsurvive's idea of writing it down on a piece of paper is a good one.

It will get it out of your head and on to the page.

You then have a choice to show it to someone or you could burn it?

Hi Lelarose
I have been reading your thread and feel so worried about you.
I do understand what you mean when you say you have to put a good front on at work.
People have given you lots of good advice which I can't add much too, but I think a caring person, which you obviously are, is going to be okay and you will bond and love your baby, more than you can imagine now.
Can you get some nice books to read out loud to the baby bump? Things like the Gruffalo, Gruffalo's child, Each Peach Pear Plum, the ones that rhyme are best. The baby will recognise your voice and it will be his/hers favourite sound in all the world, I absolutely promise you.
Take care of yourself as much as you can, lots of people are rooting for you.

I have written stuff about it in my diary, but the feelings of shame are unbearable. I had no idea I would feel quite this strongly about it. The other big issue is my partner absolutely didnt want to find out and I went behind his back because I felt at the time (in the middle of the night after an entire week of practically no sleep- fantastic time to make big decisions)it was something I needed to do. It was a huge mistake really because now I know something I not only feel I shouldn't, but also feel so negative about its just overwhelming me. I had told him i thought knowing might help me bond with the baby as it just seemed so unreal to me and I hated referring to them as "it" all the time, and his words were, it will not help you, you will do that then just find something else to worry about, then say you wish you hadn't found out and be upset about that. To say that he was right and I was wrong is an understatement but hindsight is a wonderful thing. We had made the decision as a couple not to find this out, he thought it would be a wonderful surprise at the birth,, but I was worried it wouldnt be so i have betrayed him and in an attempt to help myself made things a million times worse for myself as I now have to deal with my feelings about this as well. Although to be perfectly honest I think a lot of my worries about this from the start were based on this issue I was just in denial about it as it was too painful. You cant turn the clock back, I know now and wish so much I didn't.

God if anyone could identify me on this I'd just die. But it is a kind of relief to admit it as well. Just please, if anyone reading this thinks I'm a bad person for feeling like this just dont bother telling me I'm way to vulnerable to take that right now. If I offend you please just dont read this.

Lela I just feel really sad for you - it makes sense now you saying you did something that you thought would help you bond. It's not the end of the world that you know and he doesn't - it disappears of its own accord once the baby comes out and you both know the sex.

Babies are enormous in terms of the space they take up in your life and these things are really not so important.

You are not a bad person.

And who knows it may help you know this now - if you can tell a psych or counsellor they may be able to help you work through some of it before the baby comes.

Sorry to rant on and on but the other thing is if I discuss this with my psychiatrist properly then she will put it on my medical record for my gp to see and the thought of anyone esle knowing I felt like this once the baby is here is so awful I cant allow this to happen. I know I sound paranoid and neurotic as hell but the idea that my child would ever for a second feel any kind of rejection from me is something I cant risk

The idea about reading to the bump is lovely and I was doing this before, I just cant bring myself to at the moment. It occurs to me all the time that the only time that poor wee baby hears my voice is when I'm deeply upset an crying etc which is not nice for me to live with either.

I've been reading your thread and I feel so desperately sorry for you, I wish I could just hold you and stroke your hair and make it all better.

I have no real experience of depression myself, although my mother has suffered anxiety and depression on and off for many years.

But I don't think you should feel guilty about your feelings over the sex of the baby, that's your illness talking, not you. You need some expert help with this though. You will love your baby more than you can ever imagine (maybe not right away, but you will later). And your baby will love you. But you need some help to get through this stage now. Are there previous issues in your life which perhaps have sparked these feelings over the sex of the baby? maybe you need some help unwrapping deeper issues too?

Don't stop posting here. Nobody will judge you, but we'll listen to whatever it helps you to say.

Thinking of you.
xx

Lela keep it straight. There is no way your child will EVER get to see what is on YOUR medical records.

If you talk about this now you may be able to process it, give it a place, deal with it. That is a much better way of making sure your child never notices.

And anyone who looks down their nose at you for this doesn't have a ruddy clue how lucky they are that it hasn't happened to them!

totally agree with willsurvivethis...your child will never know any of this if you can deal with it yourself and make peace with it yourself.

willsurvivethis- thats exactly why I did it, I figured that if I was goung to have any negative feelings I wanted to work though them now, because the idea of the wee soul coming into this world and me feeling bad about their gender made me feel really scared for them.

I never bonded with my mother and I have to say its affected my whole life. I know very well that I'm nothing like her (she has a personality disorder and an alcohol problem)I just wanted to avoid any risk of my baby having to experience this. My partner had a very "normal" safe happy and secure childhood and has no reasons to feel fear or negativity about having either gender so it isn;t the same issue for him.

I hope I'm not boring you now you have been so good to keep wit me like this it is helping me.

boring??? no way

I think I've told you before I have attachment issues too and I worry about my bond with ds but actually it is really strong.

I worry about having a dd as I worry I won't be able to stop her being abused. Stupid I know as boys get abused just as much, but I worry already about friends' dds when I see them so gorgeous, innocent, pure. How will I cope when a dd turns 7 I don't know. These things are sent to try us they say.

thank you pipoca, you ladies are being here for me and I do feel a bit relieved. My sister said exactly what you did about me getting help to work through this an dI clled a private counselling service on thursday after my disaterous atempt to speak to the nhs psych and am waiting for an appointment to do just that.

I cant tell you all how much I want to beat this. Being a good (not perfect) mum who makes my little one feel loved, wanted safe and secure is everything to me.

And- I know they will never see my medical records I just dont want the dr to know i felt like this after they are born and think I didn't want them. Silly i know, but thats why I'm going private even though I cant afford it.

Thanks so much all of you for not judging me. I would never judge someone for anything like this, I guess we have all learnt the hard way that "there for the grace of god..." etc

making "my little one feel loved, wanted safe and secure is everything to me"
There you are, you have just proved to yourself that you will be a good mum

Lela, I just wanted to let you know that I suffered with both insomnia and depression in the past. I hated being pregnant, and even when the baby was born thought that she hated me and I was a terrible mother, would never bond. 2 years down the line and it's all changed. I sometimes wonder what all the worry was about now but at the time I had such terrible thoughts. I worried about people seeing my medical records too, and I still feel shame about it all but I realise I don't need to, and it's something I am getting past. I'm sorry you feel your doctor judges you, it's a real block in the way of being well!

Anyway I just wanted to say that you're not alone, and there is a way forward even if you can't see it now. This will all become the past for you as it has for me. Are you in the UK? Can you go to a Mumsnet get together? These ladies helped me through some tough times!

hi
don't really have any experience of your situation but just wanted to say generally hang in there and as far as bonding with the bump goes, by all means do read to it etc but I really didn't do any of that and when DS was born I thought he as very cute and everything but didn't really get that 'wow' moment for some weeks. It sounds like you do have serious issues that you are getting some help with but try not to think about the long term future and what your DC will know or "feel" from you, just get through this time and try to enjoy what you can. Keep posting on here too. Good luck

Thank you all.

My big problem is that I have dreamed and fantasised about having this baby literally all my adult life. And what I only just really realised is that all those dreams only ever featured one gender of child. I actually prayed that that would be what they were because the idea of the made me feel ecstatically happy. I am deeply ashamed to admit that I have no positive feelings really, just fears about me having the opposite sex of child.

Can I please point out that I am 100% aware that
a) I am incredibly privileged to be having a child at all. I am no spring chicken and I was convinced I was infertile which was so so painful, and to care about a childs gender would have seemed a total luxury to me before this happened
b) I am blessed that, as far as I know my child is healthy and this caused me so much anxiety (as you can tell from my big medication dilemma etc) I have no business quibbling about their bloody gender
c) babies are babies and their gender should be irrelevant, you should love them equally no matter what, we are so lucky to have them. I have friends who still cant conceive and my feelings would sicken them , as they would have me before I felt them myself.

I just feel so so sad I'm not having the gender I prayed for because I honestly beleive i'd be a better mum to them. I cant explain why I feel like this and I'm really not proud of myself I do know its not right thats why I'm suffering so much right now.

Don't beat yourself up for being a terrible person to think this. You are thinking it and you need help with that is all.
Is there any reason you can think that you might feel this way, something provoking these fears about being a mum to this sex of child? is there something in your past you could work through with professional help?

I think you need some help because from what you say, you will be a lovely mum to this baby, and you will love it more than you can ever imagine...but it sounds like you need some help getting there.

Keep talking to us.

I'm sure noone here thinks you're a bad person. If you've always assumed you're going to have a certain gender and it comes out "wrong" then it's natural that you're going to feel some unhappiness with that, and the guilt about the unhappiness. I was so very sure I was going to have a boy, I named him, decorated his room, chose clothes you name it. I so wanted a boy! Then when it was a girl I was thrown. Of course I was happy she was healthy, but she wasn't what I expected! I had no experience with girls, I wasn't sure I knew what to do. I'm not girly and I have had to LEARN how to be! It's not the nightmare I thought it would be .

Hi, so glad you're still posting, I was worried about you last night.

I wasn't sure whether I bonded well with DS to start with, it wasn't an instant rush of love thing like some women have and I felt a bit guilty about that. But you get on with caring for them and it falls into place. We've had some tough days but it's all good in the end if you stick with it. DH was at work a lot and when I was lonely I went to every group I could, it gets you out the house and you have to meet someone you get on with eventually.

Last night I made DS laugh blowing raspberries on his feet and I felt like the luckiest woman on Earth. I look back to the dark days now and it wasn't for long. You'll be making your baby laugh before you know it.

I'm glad you want to be a good mum and not a perfect mum, perfect mums don't exist.

I would almost say is that all you are so worried about? But that would make a mockery of your pain. Which is very real. But i had been imagining far worse things as you could tell from my earlier posts.

So you are beating yourself up over feelings that you haven't asked for and can't control. That's so hard on yourself!

I'm going to be patronising to you - horribly patronising. But until your baby is here and you have smelt, held and fed them you really do not know how you will feel and how you will bond or even how much the sex matters.

It's incomparable to anything else.

Not saying you won't struggle with it at all that would be naive, but once that maternal instinct kicks in wow.

And that may happen immediately or much later but it will happen.