Oh Titania. I was feeling exactly the same a few weeks ago. Not sure what changed but the really tough stage passed.
A few weeks ago I was in freefall, completely, I was genuinely suicidal for the first time in a long time. I clung on with my finger nails and it;s got better. I've thrown myself into trying to make positive things happen, and Ido feel better.
Is there anything specific that's happened that you feel bad about? I can sympathise so much, I really wish I could do something to help, have a few more (((hugs))). I know it feels really hopeless at the moment, but it's not, it's really not. You have friends here whenever you want to talk.