How much should I do when my ex's mental health worsens?

[LovelyRooster]

Hi all. My ex has a history of very very serious mental health problems and is under the care of mental health services. There is also a history of domestic abuse (verbal, controlling etc to me and children), which is why I need to maintain some distance and can't simply go and check on him myself.

Recently he seems to have deteriorated quite badly. He’s drinking heavily, struggling to get out of bed or look after himself. Not washing for a week etc. He was told to stop drinking but couldn't seem to manage it. He also refused the suggestion of addiction support, saying he doesn't have a problem and only has a few beers.

I’ve asked him directly if he’s thinking about harming himself and he says no. I also know he is very unlikely to seek help himself, so I’ve contacted his mental health team and asked them to contact him. I've no idea if they will.

I’m not sure what else I should reasonably be doing. I’m worried about him, but given our history I also don't think it is safe or appropriate for me to become responsible for looking after him. He also has family around him but they take him to the pub fgs.

Has anyone been in a similar position? Where did you draw the line between alerting professionals and stepping back? I've had enough therapy now that I no longer feel a pull of guilt when he messages but on a human level - and we have teenage children - I can't just shut myself off completely.

He was abusive, you owe him nothing. You’re not responsible for him and can’t fix this. You’ve alerted him mental health team which is as much as you can or should do. Just focus on your kids and the other people who matter to you.

You have done all you could reasonably be expected to do. It is up to his mental health team to either act or not act on your information.

You can't fix him. He's not your responsibility. He's clearly unwell - you wouldn't presume to bear responsibility for his physical health, would you? If he had a chest infection, you wouldn't be diagnosing it or treating it, would you?

You want to do something because a) you are a decent person and b) it gives you a fraction of the sense of power/control that he took from you with his abuse.

The healthiest thing for you to do is step back and let the professionals deal with him. Nothing he says or does is your fault.

Been there and done that.
do not get involved, you must put yourself and your children first.
if he has a history of abuse he will manipulate and get you tangled up in his messy life again. He is responsible for himself.
mine who also didn’t have a drink problem died from too much alcohol related complications. It was always everyone else’s fault or responsibility.
please put your energy into yourself. Only he can save himself.

Gosh, thank you. This is much needed perspective. I guess when he messages me and sounds increasingly desperate my instinct is to wonder what I can do to help. I just have to remind myself that he didn't care much for my mental health when he made our lives hell. When I had therapy they asked who is best placed to help him, you, or his mental health team? So that is something I keep coming back to.

I just heard back from his outpatient team who said he was discharged because of disengagement. So I will instead contact his GP and leave my involvement there.

I have also told him to contact his GP today but I think he won't. Not much I can do anymore. He's intent on destroying his life and not taking any accountability for anything.