Stuck in limbo while declining

[NotQuiteUsual]

So my mental health is complex. I regularly suffer depressive episodes that tip into psychotic.

I was discharged by the early intervention in psychosis team as I timed out from thr service. Left under gp care. Now im declining rapidly and stuck waiting for a referral to the community treatment team to go through.

Im told im having delusions, I might be hallucinating, might not it's hard to know whats real right now. Coping mechanisms arent helping. All that helps is diazepam and I dont like relying on that. GP won't help as im too complex, crisis team isn't appropriate as im not a danger to myself or others. Im just stuck in limbo while declining. Today I haven't been off the sofa, just laying here panicking everything is made from paper. Dh says its not but can I trust him??

Any support or hand holds would he greatfully recieved.

Yes it will help. These scary thoughts can and do get better, by the way.

Today has been better. Im really tired on thr 10mg of diazepam, but everything feels less scary. I'm worried tomorrow will.be bad as its thr weekend and the lack of routine gets to me.

Use the tiredness to have a good rest. You deserve it. Lack of routine = relaxation time. We all do it.

Bad day today filled with urges to hurt myself. Dh hid all the sharp things. Sulking in bed. Im not getting out of bed for anything when crisis team comes they can just visit me in bed. I dont give a fuck its all just bullshit fakery anyway. They can get fucked. I dont want to see them anyway. Its all stupid. Its all pointless. I wanna go shopping but the shops are too scary everyone looks at me.

Are you still taking diazepam?

Yeah im taking it. I had a nap and felt a little better. I was really cross earlier. The lady from crisis team was actually helpful. She talked about my ptsd and showed me a new breathing technique. She made me feel better about my suicidal idealation. I liked her. She has glittery shoes and she crochets too. I love crochet.

Its my wedding anniversary in a week, we booked tickets for a metal band. Live music always cheers me up. I won't drink though, I dont like drinking at gigs.

That sounds positive. Small steps each day x

I managed to go out and have a decaff coffee with a friend today. It really helped. She dresses eccentricly so no one was looking at me. I had such a nice time. Maybe this reality isn't so bad.

I had an ecg today for my referral to the community treatment team. My heart beat was so fast they nearly didn't let me leave. I wasn't even anxious like I normally am. Id had such a good day I felt normal. That alongside the low blood oxygen reading with the oxomitor a few days ago and the chronic unexplained arm pain ive had for a few weeks had me panicking. Im probably just anaemic or something. Maybe I should contact the Dr.

My heart rate goes really high if it’s checked, it’s because I get so anxious leaving the house. It’s noted on my records now. Well done for going, it’s so hard when you’re riddled with anxiety x

I did my annual health check todsy too. Had a blood test and BP done. As always low blood pressure. And ill get the blood back soon..but theyll be fine theyre always fine.

I feel fucking amazing today like I could do anything. Its amazing I haven't even bothered with my diazepam cos I dont need it. Im only thinking good things. Ive been making plans with friends which is nice.

Long may it last. I was gonna tell crisis team to discharge me but dh said not to. Spoilsport lol

I did my annual health check todsy too. Had a blood test and BP done. As always low blood pressure. And ill get the blood back soon..but theyll be fine theyre always fine.

I feel fucking amazing today like I could do anything. Its amazing I haven't even bothered with my diazepam cos I dont need it. Im only thinking good things. Ive been making plans with friends which is nice.

Long may it last. I was gonna tell crisis team to discharge me but dh said not to. Spoilsport lol

That’s good news x

I crashed a bit. This fast heart rate is bothering g me more than it should. I used dhs smart watch to see my heart rate after sleeping and it was still too high. Its a known side effect of my meds. The meds ive been asking to change for months. But crisis team won't touch my meds and community treatment team won't touch me while under crisis team. So im stuck. I dont think a fast heart rate is a problem short term. But mixed with my low blood pressure its probably whats been making me feel so dizzy and exhausted.

Do crisis team spy on you? Feeling really suspicious of them