Anyone else struggling with regret despite doing reasonably well after childhood trauma and ACEs?

[Stillstanding1]

I have 7 adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). In spite of this I went to uni and got a reasonably ok job. But a lack of confidence has held me back throughout my life. I think I have ASD and ADHD as well. I think my parents did as well which is why my upbringing was so bad. Sometimes I feel that I am doing well, I have a job and family and am doing ‘ok’. Other times I have so much regret for missed opportunities and not fulfilling my potential. In spite of bad background I have a high IQ, went to a top uni and was identified gifted and talented at school. I tried therapy but it wasn’t that helpful and I can’t really afford it. Just wondering if there are others like me?

What’s your personal life like though? You tell us your career are you happy in your relationship? Children ? Friends?

I have a husband and kids. Family life ok. I feel I’ve missed out a bit at work due to lack confidence. I have trouble with exec functions like driving and keeping a clean home.

If you think you has ASD and ADHD… it might be an idea to explore that further for your own understanding (and possibly meds)

when you say “family life is ok”… can you elaborate? Happy?

Severe childhood trauma can of course present like ADHD and ASD.

I feel similarly to you. I am sure I should have done much better in life but trauma has led to me having a complete lack of self belief.
I do however find therapy useful - but I started after having a complete mental breakdown so have very specialised trauma therapy.

Yes, I could have written so much of your post.

Currently awaiting a ND diagnosis, already have a C-PTSD diagnosis from childhood. I've also started some EMDR treatment so waiting to see if that has any impact. However, it's not going to change the past or a doubt really impact the future. I did well at Uni but never had a decent career. Full of regret and not much I can do. The menopause has come along and made everything worse, I don't think I fancy retraining even if I felt 100% better within myself.
ScaredAndPanicky
What type of trauma therapy are you receiving?

Same.

I have childhood trauma. I'm definitely an underachiever - I've done well, I just know I could have done so much better, and it should have been a lot easier. Diagnosed Autistic in my 50's, and ADD (I don't have the hyper part).

I really struggle with executive function. Can't keep my house tidy etc. Logically, I know this stuff isn't hard. But my brain just doesn't allow for it.

Failed completely at school.

Find making or just having friends hard, I always assume everyone hates me (probably because my parents did and always told me noone would ever like me, etc etc). Never married, no kids. Have a weird relationship with sex to be honest (my parents were overtly sexual, which in itself is abusive).

I possibly have cptsd. Probably have attachment disorder (lots of reports from relatives about how my parents never picked me up, just left me sitting around on my own all the time).

I've read that ND children are more likely to be abused and it fascinates me as to which way round it is. I've read that abuse, particularly attachment disorder, can shorten the neural pathways and elasticity in the brain. Which is similar to the brains of people with autism. So - does autism cause the abuse, or does the abuse cause autism?

I'm pretty sure both my parents were Nd. So there's the familial links too. And their lack of empathy, emotion etc caused trauma on its own, separate to the physical, sexual and psychological abuse.

I try not to dwell on it though. It's not my fault. I can't go back and change anything. I'm 58 now so, essentially, I've survived.

In what way do you feel you haven’t fulfilled your potential? What stopped you? What’s stopping you now?

I’m an underachiever and I know that someone else with a stable background and a stable brain would’ve probably gone much further. I also know I could technically do it as well, I just know that for various reasons I don’t have the capacity (mental and emotional, not intellectual)to go there. I’m ok though and that’s enough, because I haven’t been for so long. Tbf, even the fact that I’m still here, alive, kicking and functional feels like an achievement because for a long time I thought I wouldn’t see past my 20’s, hence the wasted potential because what was the point?

@polavadrama I had 18months therapy with a specialist CSA & R*pe therapist where she taught me (amongst other things) how to manage flashbacks kind of by rewinding them and alter images to things that are less scary.
But now I see a dissociation specialist as having cPTSD I dissociate a lot. She is helping me try and stay present and not dissociate when I feel anything (whether good or bad) and when I can do that, then we will very slowly start discussing the trauma I went through.

I have adhd diagnosed and possible asd. The 2 are quite different but knowing has helped a lot. There are tonnes of hacks I now use as a 46 y/o and have read a lot of books. My adhd and asd are areas where I feel more confident now. My problems are more caused by other people not taking self responsibility.

It is also possible you have related traits like perfectionism. Kindly your life sounds v successful but you cannot recognise your strengths and are focused on your flaws. I found the book Smart But Scattered Guide to Success for Adults to be really helpful.

I also had NHS EMDR and an NHS group course on coping with acceptance and commitment therapy techniques, both really life changing. I had to fight really hard for them.

Good luck.

Can relate to some of these posts. Had childhood trauma and have spent all my adult life with ongoing depression/ anxiety. Had relationships when younger, but were never v healthy. Have one DC and have given him v stable childhood, which is all I wanted. But now DC will shortly be independent and I regret my life hasn’t been happier. I have moments of contentment and joy but relationships of all types are very hard. Got a v good education and good career but have been capped because of MH and often had to move on from jobs as too much. My ability is there 100%, so have been promoted but then get overwhelmed with relational side. Career stuff bothers me less than lack of strong relationships.

I like what a pp said about seeing self as a survivor. Am interested in radical acceptance, trying to make things a bit better but ultimately accepting how things are. Feels sad but maybe more realistic.

Op...you are me! I had a simlilar childhood and underachiever. Full of regret, pain.

Some of it depends how you define success.

Have you broken the cycle and given your children something better than you had?

It is sad you had to be the one to do that work, but don't diminish the scale of your achievement if you have given your kids a stable life.

I can relate. Childhood/ya trauma, autism and inattentive adhd. Did very well, 3 degrees etc but struggled badly once I started working and made some poor choices from school onward. Failed at relationships, jobs, finances, housekeeping, although not as badly as I could have. My longest period of therapy ended in disaster (although partly due to an unethical therapist). Underachieving badly at work and really struggling to support my tween/teenaged children both practically and psychologically. I find basically everything stressful and have huge regrets. Perimenipause has made everything worse - I'm struggling increasingly to find positives. I feel like i need a very quiet life and domestic support but I can't afford that.

I feel the same. Multiple ACE's, parents who had their own troubled starts. Very academic at school but have failed all the way through adulthood. Can't earn enough to look after myself, fortunate to have married well and to have a DH who is willing to handle that. Mental health isn't great, tbh. Very poor at relationships because I don't really trust people. Low tolerance for stress. Haven't been able to cope in a normal work place and so am self employed, but not earning at my potential though I cling to the hope that it will happen. I suspect ADHD. I've also struggled with very poor physical health for basically my entire adult life, have had multiple surgeries, am taking so many medications. Chronic pain. I try to hang on to hope and remind myself that in some ways I've achieved a hell of a lot. But I feel the weight of failure, of what I should have been. But I can't change what happened to me, I can only do my best with what I've been given.

I hope my children do better than I have. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Yes! I feel exactly the same OP.
Not sure how to articulate my feelings further, but yes, I definitely know what you're talking about.

Identify with so much on this thread. Severely emotionally neglected as a child and have spent vast majority of my life feeling lonely, confused, sad, stressed, and an overriding feeling of not achieving my potential.

Did very well at school and managed to get a degree. Everything fell apart once that structure was removed. Held down one career type role until early 30s by the skin of my teeth, then had a child and never really made it back. Been self employed since, to varying degrees of success, but now at nearly 50 the wheels are coming loose once again due to peri-menopause.

Have had all sorts of therapy over my life and been medicated and diagnosed with ocd and anxiety disorders years ago. An autism and combined type ADHD diagnosis (plus meds) in my mid 40s, has been life changing.

The thing I am most proud of is that I consciously broke the generational trauma and have the closest bond with my child, which is truly beautiful. I also managed to find a caring, calm and attentive man (their father).

My life is now very small and very quiet by design. I am low contact with my wider family. Currently in therapy with a great therapist who is helping me to unmask and navigate this stage of life.

I feel less regret these days now I understand my limitations better. But it's still a very bitter pill to swallow.

Most of us have done ok given what we went through but I guess even if I won the Nobel peace prize I would feel like a failure.