I suffer from depression, anxiety, ptsd. I try really hard not to let my issues affect other people. I'm struggling at the moment and I want to put my needs first but I feel like I'm being selfish if I do.
I have children, late teens. Good kids, not really doing anything wrong just wanting to live their lives like normal people. Sometimes they want to have friends over to hang out or to stay the night. Nothing wrong with that at all and is a perfectly normal thing for them to want to do.
But I hate it. I can't cope with there being people in my house. It gives me so much anxiety. I know I shouldn't let my issues affect my kids. My anxiety and ptsd is my problem to deal with and it shouldn't stop them from living their lives. And I try so hard not to let my issues affect them. I've always put their needs first and made myself do all the things I needed to do to take care of them and do all the things they wanted to do even when I really struggled to do some things, even when I just wanted to curl up in bed and die, I never let it affect their lives.
But after so many years of doing that I'm just so tired. They are grown up now and don't need me to take care of them, they can do most things for themselves. I don't have to drag myself out of bed and do everything for them. I want to rest. I want to stay in bed in bed all day if I feel like it, I want to lounge around in my pyjamas all day if I don't feel like getting dressed. I don't have to be up early to feed small children or get kids ready for school, I don't have to get up and dressed and out of the house every day taking children to activities and playdates and days out, I don't have to force myself to socialise with other mums so my kids can have friends.
I've done all the things I needed to do and taken good care of my kids and now I am tired. I can't do it anymore. I have nothing left to give.