Hi OP,
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. You've been through an awful lot, it would break anyone. You've done the hardest step, speaking out.
I am a MH professional and this is the advice I'd give to any client in your position.
If you feel as though you aren't safe tonight and will do harm to yourself, call 999 or go to A&E. They will help you.
If not, get in touch with your GP first thing. Whether via E-Consult or phone. Explain everything and say that you are at a point of desperation/that you feel as though you don't want to be here. Be brutally honest and don't hold back, even if it is about dark things - they can't help if they aren't aware.
The doctor will do everything they can.
In the meantime, text/call the Samaritans. They are a fantastic service, they will listen and talk things through with you.
Remember, everything seems so much worse at night, it feels so lonely and dark - but the morning tends to feel a bit easier.
Do whatever you can to feel safe. Some of my clients revert to childhood comforts (cartoons/films, cuddling teddies, drawing their feelings) it may sound silly/infantilising but it does have results.
Baths, showers, hot drinks, cold drinks, rubbing ice or something cold on the wrists, temples and back of the neck. The change in temperatures can break up the pattern of thought.
Please keep talking here too if you feel that helps. We are all here for you. 