I'm a regular poster but have changed my name for this embarrassing post.
I don't know what to do from here or whether there may be something wrong with me mentally.
I'll try to explain. Dh and I have never had a great relationship - at good times its ok and we have a reasonably light hearted existance together but no great closeness emotionally ( we've always seen things differntly - a sort of man/woman different approach to issues magnified 1000%) and at bad times horrible fights and long periods of not speaking to eachtoerh.
If truth be told we'd probably not still be together if we didn't have kids but we do and we're both committed to eachother very solidly for primarily that reason ( dh would also say that he loves me etc and that he wouldn't stay iwth me just for the kids - my feeling is probably different).
My primary issue is always that I don't think he's much of a dad - he's always busy for other people or sleeping ( he gets up early each day but, hey, so do I!!) and as the kids have got older and more of them ( we have a big family) I've felt the strain of trying to keep on top of their arrangemnts ( homeowrk, friends round, parties etc) more and more. My kids are very lively and border sometimes on the disobedient. Like any kdis, a whole day of running around can sometimes result in bad tempers and frayed nerves ( on my part and theirs).
Often by bedtime things are fraught ( dh usually doesn't help with bedtimes very much).
Last sunday was a differnt story entirely however.
I had a particualrly trying day running around with the baby and the kids taking them to and from parties and social arrangments whilst trying to facilitate baby's feed and sleep times ( not much help from dh).
My ds played up constantly and my little dd tantrumed on an doff all day. To cut a long story short it was the day from hell. What was different was my reacitons.
By the time bed time came I was so desparate not to see my kids again till morning that I began shouting and the mroe I shouted the mroe they refused to settle and wanted drinks, toilet , dummies etc. As the befrooms are in close proximity they were all disturbing eachtoerh and then began to cry and fight beacuase none of them could go off to sleep due to the screams of the other. It beccame a vicious circle.
I hit my eldest daughter when she refused to go downstairs to get a bottle for the middle dd and ds then hid dd's dummy. Dd had a screaming tantrum and flung soemthing at ds . They began fighting and i hit them both. They all went to bed crying.
Dh then had the bloody cheek to tell me to calm down. He had planned a bbq for bvisiting family that night and baby wouldn't sleep so I coudln't help. I was stuck up in the dark bedfroom with baby trying to get her down for one hour. Dh came up to moan about why I wasn't dressed and down with every oen else and i exploded.
Totally exploded. I began to scream like a complete maniac. No sounds came out of my mouth - just a complete shriek over and over again. Dh kept shouting "shut up, shut up!" and i scremed louder and louder. I told him I hated him and wished he were dead ( and I did). I told him I hated being a mum and was going to leave the next morning ( I honestly felt that I was). he told me to leav and left the room with the baby.
Later he came back and asked me if I'd calemd down yet. He wanted and deamneded an apology for "how I'd behaved". FFS!!!! He wasn't at all concerned at my feelings of desparation or of sanity slipping through my fingers just that I'd crossed the line and he no longer thought I was sane..
Maybe I'm not , I don't know.