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Mental health

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Original poster

Christmas with no extended family

21 replies

ssd · 07/12/2017 08:20

its been just us ever since the grandparents all died

I have siblings but we're not close and they never travel here at Christmas and dont want us to go to them, live 100's of miles away

I just feel so bad now the kids are older and we have no family to see at Christmas

dh has siblings he never sees and the one he sees goes to the in laws every year as they do all the childcare

I just feel so utter shite I have no family to share my Christmas with or the kids with

OP posts:

Viewofhedges · 07/12/2017 08:31

Don’t feel sad. Celebrate what you do have. Christmas “just with you” will probably be lovely, and far less stressful. You can fully concentrate on each other.

You could always look at some of the charities that help older, lonely people at Christmas if you want to include another generation. (I couldn’t have children so that’ll be me one day though I’ll be drinking gin by myself and swearing at the telly so they probably won’t take me)

TanteRose · 07/12/2017 08:31

{{{hugs}}} sdd

I think really, you have to just make your own traditions. The DCs won't miss what they don't have - they will enjoy Xmas the way you do it!

I live 6000 miles from my family - in 20 years we've spent 2 Xmases with my extended family. My DH's family don't celebrate Xmas (they are older Japanese people who don't do all the modern stuff).

So its always been just DH, me and the DCs.
We make it special in our own way!

DD (20) just yesterday said "When are we putting the tree up?" - we live in a flat and have a small artificial tree which we love!
I try and make it a bit of a British Xmas with a roast dinner etc.

I kind of know how you feel - but don't feel shite about it. I bet if you asked the kids, they will say they have fun each year

TanteRose · 07/12/2017 08:32

ssd sorry

Original poster

ssd · 07/12/2017 09:37

thats just it, ds1 said to me why dont we have any family to visit at Christmas, why dont we go to (my siblings who live 100's of miles away), how could I tell him its because we never get invited as they are all too busy to be bothered with us? I cant tell him that and I feel so very very shit. He said Christmas day with just us is a bit boring, he wasn't being rude, just honest. The kids are older teens, we had traditions when they were younger but they don't want family walks or board games now.

OP posts:

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 07/12/2017 09:47

I have no immediate family and cousins live miles away, so Xmas day is just me and DC. I had a chat with one of them the other day, about how I wished I could give them all a massive family Xmas, like I used to have, when I was DCs age, and before parents/grandparents died. Her reply stunned me a bit. She said she absolutely loved Xmas day, and the way I did it every year, with so many of 'our' little traditions. She was sad I felt like I did, but it made me realise that because they've known no different, I'm making new memories for them that they will take into their adulthood. I hear you op, and I feel the same as you, but I genuinely hadn't realised just how much my dc love the xmas traditions that I put in place. Rose has summed it up perfectly

happyfrown · 07/12/2017 13:48

I get this with b-days too, my DD who is 7 asks excitedly every
year, whos coming over? then I have to say no one its just us although she cant miss what she don't have - I think its the school class partys she goes too where she sees hers friends smothered in family and friends.
I don't have any family and this year dd is with her dad so i'll be on my own. I understand your sadness, kids aint numb - they see the adverts on tv where theres happy large families gathering around a festive table. it makes it look so warm and special.

Original poster

ssd · 07/12/2017 19:09

yes the adverts don't help

I think as well as all their friends having a lot of family at Christmas, ds1 has a lovely girlfriend and her house will be full of aunts and uncles and cousins on Christmas day and ds is wondering why we never have this, when my siblings are alive but totally uninterested. What makes it worse is when their kids were growing up myself and mum and dad were very involved with them and took an interest in them, now my parents are dead my siblings arent interested in us at all

it makes me angry and sad on equal measures, but the fact it's now affecting my kids hurts me more than anything, for them.

OP posts:

happyfrown · 08/12/2017 09:44

its an awful feeling aint it?
I have loads of family alive, I also have a brother, sister and 3 half sisters. my kids have aunts, uncles & cousins out there, but same case as yours they don't want to know.
Im hoping when my kids grow up (I have 2 teenage boys live with their dad) they will meet loving partners with large families to make up their loss growing up.
sorry to hear about your parents.

buggerthebotox · 08/12/2017 13:31

I get you. I have no family left, and dd is an only, as am I.

It is what it Is, though. Your dcs won't miss what they've never had and will have fond memories of whatever you do.

Original poster

ssd · 09/12/2017 11:42

it is an awful feeling

OP posts:

StupidSlimyGit · 09/12/2017 11:49

It's only DD, her dad (my ex) and me this year. From there after it'll just be me and DD (hopefully moving out after Christmas) the family who are in contact regularly don't celebrate Christmas or approve at all. The rest never invite us to even see them, she's one and though they've been invited they've never even met her.
I'm trying to feel Christmassy but if I'm honest it feels rubbish. No suggestions just buckets of sympathy from me

debbs77 · 09/12/2017 12:24

Could you help out at a local shelter on Christmas day? I know there are a few Christmas dinners happen g at shelters and homes near me

Original poster

ssd · 10/12/2017 10:15

no, I have my dc's and dh here...its just theres no one else

OP posts:

ginandtonic324 · 10/12/2017 12:25

I sympathise OP. I am from a country where the whole family gets together at Christmas. It's busy, it's a party, and it goes on and on. It's noisy, and full on.

Since I came to the UK, I found it so sad that my DH's parents want to spend Xmas by themselves, even though they only live about half an hour from us. I used to get terribly depressed that it was just us for Xmas. His siblings live far away so it was more understandable not to spend it with them.

But after a few years, I now learned to enjoy a quiet Christmas. It's just us and our two boys. We watch TV, play games, cook. I listen to the radio and read. I now love it!!!

The worst thing for me now would be for my extended family to come over or to invite us over on that day. Enjoy the quiet! No stress, no fuss, no having to please anybody. In my books now, my best Christmas ever!!!

happyfrown · 10/12/2017 13:31

i enjoyed staying at home xmas day/ boxing day when the kids were toddlers and having no one join us or having to go didn't bother me as much now. but the older they get the less festive it feels, once all the presents are opened (20mins!) it feels all over and lonely and that's when i feel we could do with company? actually the older the kids got then that's when they ask if were go anywhere, doing anything.
last year for xmas it was so un-festive here we had pizza and bbq chicken wing for xmas dinner.

this year for me its a microwave curry!

rainbowstardrops · 10/12/2017 13:39

I know exactly what you mean. When my mum died twelve years ago, the family just all went their separate ways.
At first my dad and brothers (and partners etc) would come round for a celebration but that’s dwindled over the years and things have changed.
I’m also kind of separated from (d)h now and it’ll either be just me and the kids or him here as well and with me waiting for the inevitable argument.
I wish my kids had the lovely Christmases that I knew

Howlongtilldinner · 11/12/2017 07:14

I understand completely OP. My mum died in 2012 and my eldest sis died earlier this year. I too yearn for what you see on TV and what I hear people are planning.

I despise Christmas for all these reasons. I want to go to sleep on Christmas Eve and wake up on January 1st.

I want what I can’t have..that’s basically it.

Original poster

ssd · 12/12/2017 22:16

me too

OP posts:

Izzy24 · 12/12/2017 22:23

I’m sad for you that you feel this way OP.

But growing up it was always just my parents and two siblings. I look back on those Christmases with huge affection.

My parents always made it a lovely day with our own traditions, special food and silly games.

We do have extended family Christmases now but I truly never felt anything was missing growing up with just us.

RandomMess · 12/12/2017 22:27

I get it, DH doesn't like his parents very much but we're going there 4 hours away because staying with just us feels unbearable. Twice we weren't invited and it was horribly sad.

sillywitch · 12/12/2017 22:29

I don't miss it. We have solo Christmases every year and love it. No politics over where we are going every year. We do exactly what we want every year - presents, go for a walk, lunch, play board games, watch a movie. The last time we spent Christmas with my DH's family, there was drunken brawling, crying, police called.... I don't bother with them anymore and I certainly don't miss them at Christmas.

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