Don't want to see my friend

[BraveButShaking]

She is waiting for me to set a date for me to visit or her to visit me, and I just don't want to do it. I haven't seen her for a couple of years. I have given her the impression I really wanted to see her, and tbh I really did, but I don't now.

I have an appt for the secondary MH team (MH worker and ED person) later this month (thread in Eating Disorders).

I don't know what to say to her. It's not that I don't want to see any one at all, I have good friends, but the only ones I want to see are those who know more about what's been happening with me recently.

Can someone help with a text message?

Do you not want to see her because she isn't aware of your MH difficulties?

Have you been in contact with her in the two years since you've last seen her?

I totally get that it's difficult to see people when you're unwell, so those questions aren't mean judgementally at all (if they come across that way).

Thank you for your reply.

She is not aware of the difficulties I'm having.

She knows I've had a difficult divorce, but thinks that everything is calm now.

She is from my 6th form and Uni days and our friendship is still really on that level if that makes sense. A close friend, but our lives have drifted apart in adult hood due to time and distance.

It's not that I don't feel I can't tell her...I just can't be bothered with it all. It's engulfing me as it is. And yes I realise I sound entirely self-centred.

Hey, I'm currently in a place where I don't want to see or speak to anyone other than close family and my very closest friend - so I do get it.

How important is it to retain this friendship? Say, for when you're feeling better?

If you do what to keep that relationship on some level - and you're not objectionable to her knowing in any way that you're struggling at the moment - just text her and say things are a bit tricky at the moment, so getting together isn't an option right now, but that you'd be happy to arrange something in a few months time.

If she pushes for details (I wouldn't if someone sent me a text saying that, to be honest - I'd probably respond with a, "sorry to hear things are difficult, let me know if there's anything I can do"), just say that talking about it doesn't help at all, but you appreciate her concern. Then leave it at that. Maybe send a few texts over the next few months just saying 'hi'.

It may well be that when you're feeling better about things, you'll feel you can explain what's happening at the moment and will be fine with doing so. A friend would understand why you wouldn't necessarily have said anything at the time.

Ultimately, you don't have to disclose anything about your health to anybody - if you feel you can, great! If not, and you have other people around you who you can talk to, then that's okay too. Feeling overwhelmed is horrible and reduction in pressure and stresses should be the aim. That's not self-centred, it's just looking out for yourself.

How would you deal with it if you had something normal like going blind, a heart attack or a thyroid problem and was seriously ill? Would you say it as it is?

Thank you both, your advice was very helpful to me.

I have just txt her. I told her enough to let her know the issue is with me and not our friendship and I am confident she will understand and be there for me when I'm ready.

My friend has sent me the sweetest reply. I did the right thing.
She understands, says she is always there for me but not putting any pressure on at all.

I am blessed to have such good friends.

Thank you again for your advice. There is no shame in mental illness, I know that, but by the very nature of it, it can complicate personal relationships.

I'm so glad you sent your friend a message and had such a positive response - it sounds like she could turn out to be a good source of support for you.

There is no shame in mental illness, but it doesn't make it easy to talk about. However much we know that more people understand that mental illness isn't a choice, to me there is still always the risk that someone will say something along the lines of, 'pull yourself together' or 'you'd be fine if you wanted to'.

Or is that just me?? I think it may be a contributor to some of my difficulties actually...

Anyway, great news again with your friend - hope your appointments go well this month.

Very few people know of my MH problems. I got so used to slapping on my happy face (much of this due to self-denial anyway) during my divorce that I am very used to it.

There is one local friend who I have told of the MH problems not the ED, but even that wasn't face to face but via email. Some people know I am struggling, but not to this degree.

I have had a few instances of people thinking everything would be hunky dory once divorce was over, but I was able to tell them that while it would indeed be the end of certain difficulties, I would then have to deal with what had happened. No one has told me to pull myself together - probably because I look together anyway!

Really struggling.
No one is reading my post on the ED board.
I can't get away to cry, call Samaritans...not till later, but I just want to not be here.

Good friend isn't replying to my txts.
Feel confused about psychiatric help I am (was?) getting, Freedom programme haven't got back in touch despite me chasing and them saying they would.
Feel alone and let down. I'm trying to get help.

I'm hiding this thread. MN clearly not a good place for me to seek support and keep checking back for any response is not healthy and causing me more stress. Strangers on the internet bla bla.

Hey, I've just read your thread. How are you doing? I don't really know how mumsnet works (I've only just joined) but I'm always here to speak to anyone who could do with it. I hope you're okay x

Hi OP
How are you today ?
Hope you're feeling better.
Have you had any contact with your friend ?