I have a wonderful DH (together for 13 years, married 5) and a DS (3).
I have failed as an individual all my life, I was bullied in school, I’m a complete average, I haven’t managed to achieve anything as I just drift from one job to another (I have reasonably long term jobs but by ‘drifting’ I mean none of them have been fulfilling in anyway and I’ve always found myself unhappy). I have failed as a mother, I struggled to bond with my DS when he was born. I felt depressed already when I was pregnant as I struggled with the change in my relationship to my family (parents, sisters). I’ve always been very submissive in my relationships and allowed others to define my happiness.
I had to go back to work when DS was 10 months old, which I thought was too soon. I feel like I have missed out on his life, I feel distant from him most days. As a matter of fact, I don't feel like his mum. I have felt like a provider only (first milk, now money – as my DH is a SAHD). I feel like I am not a parent, an equal parent. I suffered from PND, never officially diagnosed but I was very down and suicidal. We moved to a new city when DS was 10 months as we wanted something better for him and us as a family. I found a better paying job and my DH has stayed at home since. I know that this has been both wonderful (to get to bond and spend time with our DS) and stressful for him, as he’s trying to find work. After we moved, our relationship was under a lot of pressure and it changed. I felt like my DH changed. I tried to discuss our issues many times but felt like DH ignored me and distanced himself from me. I felt betrayed and alone. I considered suicide many times and in hindsight; I wish I had killed myself then.
Instead, I go and fail as a wife. I started an affair which lasted many months. My DH eventually found out. I had been a loyal wife to him from the very beginning. To me, I was ‘married’ to him as soon as I fell in love with him and I was never interested in even looking at anyone else. I have always been strongly against cheating. I never needed that paper, that ring, to be his ‘wife’, but was so happy and proud to marry him. Our relationship hasn't been without problems over the years, we had years of pressure and problems from his ex. Our sex life was affected by my loss of self-confidence and interest in intimacy. But I was loyal, that was something you could not take away from me. Now I have completely ruined everything. I have woken up to this nightmare, which should have never happened to us. It is so out of character for me to do something like this. I cannot emphasize this enough. I feel like I must have been possessed by evil to have done this as I would have never even considered doing something like that and would never do anything like it again.
I know my DH and DS will be better off without me. I know I am a coward to be considering suicide as I have committed something so terrible and now I’m considering leaving my DH to deal with it all. I wish I never existed. My only accomplishment is to have carried that child for my DH to cherish when I am gone.
The only reason I keep going for now is to continue to save some money to help my DH and DS carry on when I’m gone. Also, I guess, I’m not too certain yet on the method I wish to use to kill myself. I don't want it to be messy and wish I could just disappear without leaving a body as I don't see the point in all those unnecessary arrangements when I’m dead (funeral etc). I think now is a good time to go as DS will have limited memory of me and his whole life ahead to grow up without me. I used to be so scared of dying but now I look forward to it.