I've posted here before. I know I'm a pain, so please, feel free to just ignore this.
I'm wondering if there is actually a point to anything. How existential, I know. I spend so much time just wanting to be dead, and I don't know if what I'm feeling is depression, or just a knowledge that my life is utterly pointless.
I despise myself. I am worthless (objectively so, I have no job, no children, nothing about me that makes me interesting or worthwhile).
I have severe anxiety; mostly manifesting in social anxiety and agoraphobia. I can't go outside on my own/use the phone/have conversations with people. I am fundamentally useless. My sole goal is to have a job and be a functioning member of society. This seems completely unobtainable as I am unemployable.
I have made so many suicide attempts, and I can't think of a reason not to make another. I just, don't have any hope left. I can envisage the rest of my life, and it is so utterly empty and pointless that I might as well give up now. What am I supposed to do when there is nothing positive in my future? Even if I made some miraculous recovery tomorrow, I would still be unemployable and defunct. I want to be dead but I'm scared of what might be on the other side.