Fed up - realising I am not normal

[Nothingbutaloser]

Don't really know where to start.

I am a total loser or waster. Take your pick.

I am a housewife/Sahm to 2 teens.

I have not worked post kids. Thats 15 years.

I have followed my husband around with his career and never gone back to work. I use our regular house moving with his career as an excuse but the reality is I am too frightened to get a job.

The reason is because I don't think I am worthy. I don't think I am good enough. I am terrified I wont be able to do a job. Any job. Even cleaning or something simple, let alone a job that could have prospects.

Its not just work and employment. I am scared of most things. Anything that involves any responsibility has me terrified. Buying house insurance or anything remotely official scares me. I dont trust myself to read the small print. I dont trust myself to make a decision and I live in fear that I have made a mistake or done something wrong all the time.

I used to be normal. Never had a wonderful career or anything but worked in banking and earnt an OK wage. Looking back even then I always felt I was not as good as my colleagues and doubted myself and would never volunteer anything. My sales were pretty shit too as I was frightend to sell. But it was not like how I feel now.

I went to college in 2010 and did a course in something that in theory was towards a career I had always wanted. I did OK in it passed most exams with a merit or distinction. However I never found work. I started another course but it went wrong i was kind of bullied and I left Xmas 2011. Since then I have not applied for any jobs because I am so shit and unworthy.

My life is an existence. I am not living my life. I cope with all the family shit although pull away from doing household admin where possible or at least taking sole responsibility for bills etc anymore. I used to do it all.

I spent my days sat in the house. I have stopped doing housework recently. it seems pointless because the house is such a mess. I have to clean everyone elses mess before I can vacume or dust. I am sick of it no one listens unless I shout and cry and only then they rally round then revert back within days.

A typical day I get up after everyone has left the house so no one can ask me to do things for them. Maybe I am lazy but in my mind its because I am frightened it will a task out of my comfort zone, that I will cock up. Sometimes I just sit in bed and watch TV until lunch time. Most days I get up. Load and unlad the dishwasher. Take a load out the washer and hang it our/on the airer. Then watch TV, mumsnet, surf the net etc. DH usually comes home for lunch. He gets whatever he wants and we watch TV/news little chat about nothing. I feel sick when the postie comes about 1pmish. I always fear bad news. i expect things to be or go wrong even though logically there is no reason to think this. In the afternoon. I may do a simple task like ironing or prep evening meal although recently I just sit and do nothing maybe TV or internet. On an evening everyone just does there thing I just clear up tea stuff deal with letters from school etc. The I have a bath then go to bed.

For the past year I have distanced myself from friends. BUT my best friend who lives an hour away has distanced herself ffrom me. I try and make the effort with her but she never calls me back or on the rare occassion she does she is also texting/messaging on her mobile and just not actually engaging with me. I have come to the conclusion this is because I am a boring uninteresting loser.

I no longer socialise and although I check my FB page every day, I have not posted on there since October because I have nothing worthwhile to say.

The past 3 weeks I feel like I need to cry but no tears come. I had a few tears today but they stopped before they properly started. I feel like I need to have a good cry but it wont happen.

Up until this past year despite my fears I led a normalish life. Out and about socially, would take myself off to the pool or gym, shops etc. Now I dont. As I gradually withdrew last year (not deliberate just randon 2 or 3 weeks here and there where I could not face people) I began to notice that no one missed me. No one called, text or asked me out. I have come to realise that actually I have no friends. I have acquaintances who I was always on the outside of the social group. Another words OK to go out with in a crowd but not for coffee around someones house on a 1 to 1.

I must have always been a shit boring person and I feel embarrassed I have only just at the age of 40 realised this.

My kids need me. 1 is having a crap time at school at the mo and this is what is stopping me from just getting into my car and driving off to the arse end of nowhere.

Sorry its so long once I started it kept coming.

[narmada]

I am so sorry you feel this way. It ts NOT your fault. Personally I would guess your abusive husband is culpable here. Bullies grind you down, cut you off, and infect you with their misery.

Could you set yourself one small challenge for tomorrow? Eg, go out for a coffee with one of the DC? Or something smaller - fifteen minute walk? If it comes to it and you can't do it Don't take this as evidence that you are a failure. Just keep your goal for the next day. And same next day.

Hugs to you.

[Nothingbutaloser]

Yes I think I may try that tomorrow Narmada. I have to get a grip. Its not good to carry on like this.

I will try and get out with DD tomorrow.

Thank you

[narmada]

How u feeling today? Xx

[Loveleopardprint]

Please go to your gp. I felt like this 4 yrs ago. Ended up crying in the middle of pc world because I couldn't explain what was wrong with the stupid computer. I drifted on til I was actually sat rocking and crying on my dd's bedroom floor. Anti-depressants and counselling (though I resisted that) have really helped me.
You deserve help, please find the strength to ask for it.

[narmada]

Wise words loveleapordprint

[emma123ab]

Hi OP, how are you doing? Hope you are okay. A lot of the things you were saying sound like me.
I have to name change some times so no one recognizes me. I haven't worked in years and even back then I couldn't stick at them. So I felt a loser, just like the way you describe.
M ds starts P.1 in September and I'm already dreading the thought of school runs and having to speak to people. Feeling like this sucks and its okay for people to say we are in control of our thoughts but I don't think it's that easy.

[mrsspews]

Hope you are having a better day. I went to my GP and was prescribed antidepressants. I am also doing a course of CBT online and that has really helped me. I felt crap I because I couldn't seem to cope with the smallest thing but the CBT really helped me break things down into small steps. Now I feel a sense of achievement if I manage to phone the bank or pay a bill. I am slowly getting back on top of things.