panic/anxiety attack & now voices in my head!!!

[PainForLife]

had another one of these attacks tonight.( happened twice before)... I take AD's (sertraline) twice a day but even my evening dose is not helping. during the attack I was rocking my body back & forth crying and muttering "bad mother, bad wife, bad daughter" over & over again!!!

now I've got 2 voices in my head 1being kind to me the other repeating the above to me. it's like there are 2 people in my head fighting for me.

I feel really scarred & think I'm going NUTS!!!

[PainForLife]

finding it hard to deal with suicidal thoughts... I guess the good thing is that I have family around so I couldn't act on my thoughts or even if I did they would get help straightway.

I feel like I'm such a burden on everyone esp my parents. they've had to look after not just me but my daughter as well. what kind of daughter am I? they are in the age where I should be looking after them but instead they are looking after me. I gave birth to a beautiful angel & I've not been a mum to her even for one day. nappy changes, bathing, feeding and playing are things every mum wants to be able to do with her child but I'm soooooo unlucky that all I can do is just give her a cuddle. my dad all those duties for her. what kind of mother am I? I can't look after my own child.

I'm ashamed of myself. the voice telling me to end it all has good reason to say it. I'm of no use to anyone least of all my family or my child. the voice of reason in my head is doing it's best to argue my case for living but little does she know what a useless person I am. ending it all may be the best for everyone.

I can't spend another year popping pills to just give myself enough energy to just get myself out of bed every morning. I'm depressing everyone around me & making their lives a misery. someone like me who can't even do anything for herself is of no use to anyone else. maybe that is why my childhood was so traumatic it was my punishment for the suffering I'm putting others through now. all that happened to me as a child was deserved and right. I usually question God and think why me but it's all clear now. God knew what a useless person I will become so punished me for it beforehand. I don't deserve to be so loved by everyone they all should be angry with me for the way things are. everyone I look into their faces and see the loved their I break inside. it tears me to pieces to see them all rally round me. I feel so guilty of being so disabled and useless. I don't deserve any of it.

[ophelia275]

I have just started reading a book about mindfulness and it talks a lot about the "voices in your head", the good and the bad ones. It has an interesting take on it all as I think a lot of us are prone to have extreme thoughts and wonder if that voice is us or where it comes from. The book is called "The Untethered Soul". I too have that constant voice in my head which is always negative and it drives me mad. I'm really sorry you are going through this. You are not alone!

[PainForLife]

thanks for the suggestion ophelia275 I will try reading the book.

I feel like the voices are controlling my every move from sleeping to eating. I've lost my appetite completely now, I feel physically sick when thinking about food. I just want to be left alone all the time. I don't want to even make the effort to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone... easier said then done with so many people around me! this morning my little one climbed in bed with me & gave me a big cuddle but I felt nothing!!! it's like I can't feel anymore & I feel like absolute shit because of it. how can I not feel anything when my child hugs me. it's like I'm not here.

[NanaNina]

Oh PFL so sorry that you are in such a state, with physical health problems as well as signs of mental illness. You really do sound like you are very depressed and surely your disabilities and restricted life are enough to make you depressed. I'm glad you have a supportive family around you. Depression makes us want to hide under the duvet and withdraw from life. Did your physical/disabilities begin after the birth of your daughter.

I think you're last line "It's like I'm not here" is on with which I can identify because I feel that way when the bad days set in - it's like a stranger has come and got in my head and the old "me" has gone....

[PainForLife]

exactly NN I feel like that everyday there r no good days. I'm not me anymore, the old me has definitely gone...

yes my disability started after I gave birth to my daughter. it's been 2.5 years & no sign of improvements... my life has turned drastically worse since. I no longer recognise myself anymore...

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

Oh PFL I dont know what to say. That sounds tough BUT I am pretty sure you are needed and need to stay around for your loved ones. Do you have or have you had counselling. It can really help. Not long until you can see GP. Keep posting if it helps.

[Mylittlepuds]

Thinking of you x

[Yassmina]

Dear PFL,
I am thinking of you and wishing you a lot of peace.

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

Hi
What did your GP say? Hope they were helpful.

[SnowyMouse]

Take care, thinking of you.

[PainForLife]

hi all,

thanks for thinking of me.

tried getting to my G.P yesterday but no appts so had to go to out of hours G.P who sent me to a&e straightaway. went there & waited 8 hours to finally be given one small stupid pill & sent home. at least I had a bed to lay in. had blood tests etc....

whatever they gave at least got me through the night I just woke up & straightaway the voices started telling me to cut myself... couldnt find anything to use in my room so broke one of my clips & tried using that, no luck just some red lines appeared on my arm. went to the kitchen & was about to pick up a knife but my brother got to me & broke me out of the stance....

got some people from mental health team coming around in an hour to assess me.

I'm scared now because I have never tried to cut myself like this before. I can't fight the voices anymore.....

[NanaNina]

Hope you get the help and support you need PFL.

[SnowyMouse]

I hope the people have visited and offered you some help.

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

Hi PFL. I'm so sorry to hear that you have tried to hurt yourself today. It must be so difficult for you at the moment. I'm so glad that you have been on to give us an update though as I have been worrying about you.

How did your assessment go? I hope they came and could help. Can you get a prescription for the meds that you were given at A&E if they have helped.

You CAN fight these voices. Please don't give up

x

[PainForLife]

hi all,

just had the psych Dr round for an assessment. yesterday only a nurse came & gave me a sleeping pill so I got some sleep last night.

Dr has decided best to change medication from sertraline to venalfaxine (I think that how u spell it) & quetiapine 50 mg dosage. someone will be coming to drop the meds of later. he said I will be on it for about 6 weeks but they will review every 2 week's. he said the quetiapine will help with the voices but I don't know.

I wanna trust them but the voices are telling me not to!

I've taken my usual sertraline for now as the Dr said it's not a good idea to stop it straightway.

voices are getting strongest but family are around me so I know I'll b ok.

[PainForLife]

I don't feel anything anymore. my little one just hugged me & I didn't feel anything! I can't explain what is happening. my mind is whizzing round &round.

it's like I'm already dead.

[Yassmina]

Hi Sweety,

I hope you are doing okay. I have been thinking about you.
Wishing you much better days!

[PainForLife]

thanks Yassmina it's comforting to know someone is thinking of me. I'm doing ok I guess. had a bad moment yesterday where I cut myself, funnily enough I now understand what it means when people say it doesn't hurt as I didn't feel anything when doing it. they started me on sleeping tabs yesterday so I got some sleep last night.

voices are still strong but I'm still here so the meds must be helping. everyone keeps saying I'm better than a week ago but I don't feel it. just taking it day by day. not done anything crazy today so it must be a good day by that account!

[Yassmina]

I see hun. I do hope you will also start feeling like you are getting better, without others saying it.

I was hoping your new meds will help with the voices too. Do they take a while to kick in? Or maybe your dose should be adjusted?

I am sorry...I am no expert at this, so I know I am not of much help.

But I will continue thinking of you and wishing you peace. We can all use some.

Take care!

[PainForLife]

yes the meds take a few weeks to kick in but the dosage was doubled today so the whole process starts again.

seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow who will more than likely change the dosage again. I guess it's just a waiting game to see when I will feel the difference :(

u don't need to be an expert to offer kind words so thankyou for that.

[PainForLife]

I'm doing ok I guess middy thanks for asking.

had a run in a few days ago with one of the crisis team nurse. she mentioned that children of parents who self harm/commit suicide tend to do the same. the comment completely threw me off & since then I keep picturing my daughter doing the same!!! been waking up every night in cold sweats as I'm having nightmares about it. h medication has been increasing steadily I'm on 300mg quatiapine & 150 veneflaxine & sleeping pills. I just spend the day being drowsy/dizzy. can't even look at my baby girl in the same way anymore :(

I wish I'd never had met this nurse, I feel like I've gone 5 steps forward and taken 10 steps back. I'm further back them I started :(

[PainForLife]

taken a further step back tonight..... got a razor & cut my arms & legs! cuts are not deep so brother has just cleaned me up & put plasters over the cuts.

feel like a failure tonight as have been trying so hard not to self harm for the past few days & finally the voices got the better of me. I hope this won't be a start to self harming again & again. this isn't me at all its like someone else has taken over my body. I didn't feel any pain at all & I dont feel anything right now either.

I really am loosing myself & it's scarry! it's also weird that I'm laughing away with my family right now like it didn't happen. it's like it was just a normal thing to do.