Please help, I'm a total mess after counselling

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

My second counselling session was this morning and it has totally floored me. I am shaking like mad, can't think straight and have spent the last hour vomiting.
I hate talking about what happened, actually that's a lie, I CAN'T talk about it. I hate dragging it all to the front of my mind and ending up like this. Does it get any easier? I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.

Hey Cuppa, how are things now?

Long has a good suggestion with the milk, eggs are a good food too, light on the stomach and good for low moods.

Can you sleep on the sofa with your DD's photo and some cartoons on?

I've done it again why can't I just be normal. My whole life is one big failure.

Sweetheart, you are normal. Any normal person would struggle to cope with what you have been through. You are hurting enormously, but you have held your life together and had a beautiful dd. Up to the point that you went for counselling, you had tucked a lot of the hurt away inside you, where it was manageable, but where it was also a heavy weight inside of you. Now that you have opened the lid on that hurt again you are having to cope as if it was a fresh and new hurt in your life.

By being alive, by loving your dd, you are showing that you are a survivor. But you are a survivor who hurts. No-one can take that away for you, at least not quickly. But with appropriate professional help, over time, it will get less and you will go on to survive for yourself, for your dd, and for other people, whom you will be able to help too.

And whatever happens, remember that you are worth 10,000 of the lowlifes who did this to you.

Now, on a practical level, are your cuts clean? Do they need a trip to A + E for someone to look at them for you? Take care of yourself. Have you managed to eat anything today? Is dd home with you again now?

Thinking of you

Longtallsally, thankyou for a lovely post, it really does mean a lot.
I have the pills in front of me, the urge is too much

Cuppa, you have to be sensible for you and your DD. Put them away, clean the bathroom/kitchen, run round the living room, anything to stop yourself doing something stupid. Get a red pen and draw on yourself where it hurts, bake some bread and beat the crap out of the dough.

Get angry at the shits who did it, punch a cushion, scream, stamp your feet. Anything.

Check you cuts are clean and plastered and throw away the tool. Eat ice, rub it on your skin, have a hot bath.

Beat it/them not YOU.

You are NOT responsible for what happened.

Oh god I feel rough today. I can't even remember how many I took. I have another counselling session tomorrow, I don't think I can do it.

Cuppa, I'm not sure if you mean you took too many tablets last night? I hope you are ok this afternoon.

Please think of your DD, she loves you and she needs you. Consider calling the Samaritans if you feel suicidal.

Sorry yes I mean I took too many tablets. Still feeling a little shakey and wobbly but not been sick anymore.

Sorry yes I mean I took too many tablets. Still feeling a little shakey and wobbly but not been sick anymore.

I do hope you are ok. You have the numbers for the Samaritans and crisis team who will help you if you explain what happened last night.

Cuppa, if you take too many tablets is there is a chance that you won't be able to function well enough to care for DD? If she wakes in the night for example, or when she wakes up in the morning?

Thinking of you.

I can't care for dd at all. I'm just not good enough for her.

Can you call the crisis team to explain that you can't cope. You have to call someone and tell them you are actively attempting suicide.

The worse thing you can do is od and have your DD find you.

Call someone now or pick up your DD and take yourself to a+e.

Do not do that to your DD.

I don't know what to say to the crisis team. Oh I don't know what to do. People must think I'm such a damn idiot.

I think you need to go to A&E (or perhaps an 'urgent treatment centre' if you have one) as this is escalating xxx

Cuppa, you can tell the crisis team that you are confused/panicky and may have accidentally overdosed last night and that you do not feel safe looking after yourself at the moment.

Remember that you don't have to go to the counselling session tomorrow - you are in charge, it is supposed to be there to help you!! However, you could go either to this session or the one in two weeks time, in order to get some control back. If you want to, you can tell the counsellor that you strongly feel that it was too much, too soon, and that you cannot continue. However, if you don't feel up to it, that is also your call. You don't have to go.

Thinking of you.

I am hiding in bed, as far away from the tablets as I can. I have managed to write down, well scribble really, what I want to tell her tomorrow, I just need to get through another night. If I try to say it out loud I know I will go back to "I'm fine".
I'm worried about what will happen. I feel like a lost cause atm.

Take a note pad and pen with you so you can write rather than talk in the session. Ask him/her not to push you, I know it's difficult.

Call the crisis team if it gets too overwhelming tonight.

Well done for hiding away from the tablets, Cuppa. And well done for writing it down for tomorrow. That's really sensible.

I know exactly what you mean about going back to 'I'm fine' when you are with someone. It's amazing how we do this - look and even feel positive about ourselves when we are with other people, even if we were screaming when we were alone. However it is also why counselling should progress very slowly indeed - we put up that front for all sorts of reasons, but we can't just make it disappear. We need to prepare for exposing the real us - and that can take a lot of time and trust.

Great idea from Nature, to take your pen and paper with you. Perhaps you could jot down something like "I am not ready to talk about that yet" so that if your counsellor is taking you into dodgy territory, you can use that as a way of making sure that you are moving at a pace which suits you and no faster. If s/he asks why you can't talk about something, you could always tell her how the last 2 weeks have been for you, and see what she says about that.

Thinking of you tonight

Hope you are getting some rest Cuppa. As Longtall said, you've done really well to write down what you want to say tomorrow. Please do not feel pressured to discuss anything that you are not ready to with your counsellor.

I do think that you should let him/her know that you have been feeling suicidal to the point that you have found it difficult not to overdose, and that last night you may have taken too many pills. She / he will not judge you and will be able to help you once they realise how tough things have become.

You are absolutely not a lost cause, Cuppa. It is possible for you to move past this, with the right support.

I do think that for your own and DD's sake though, that you must be honest with your GP / Counsellor or Crisis Team about how bad things have become for you.

Well I made it to the counselling and it was a total waste of time. I wrote everything down, including feeling suicidal and taking too many tablets.
I was in there 20 mins at the most and she said "I don't know what to do so I will have to speak to me supervisor". That's it! Oh and another appointment in two weeks time. She did also ask if I had done my 'homework', well no I haven't, I find it impossible. I was supposed to write down all of the details of one of the nightmares. I can't do that, I really can't.
So now I just feel totally lost. If they don't know what to do then how can I

Well I made it to the counselling and it was a total waste of time. I wrote everything down, including feeling suicidal and taking too many tablets.
I was in there 20 mins at the most and she said "I don't know what to do so I will have to speak to me supervisor". That's it! Oh and another appointment in two weeks time. She did also ask if I had done my 'homework', well no I haven't, I find it impossible. I was supposed to write down all of the details of one of the nightmares. I can't do that, I really can't.
So now I just feel totally lost. If they don't know what to do then how can I

Your so-called counsellor is clearly utterly out of her depth.

Please go back to your GP or a different one and see if you can't get an urgent referral to a psychiatrist with experience in trauma.

Thanks AuntAda, I just felt that I'd made a really big step in writing it down (sounds stupid, I know) but then, nothing.

You have made a really big step. This is not the right counsellor for you but there is someone out there who will be able to help. Please call your GP again and ask for another referral.