Please help, I'm a total mess after counselling

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

My second counselling session was this morning and it has totally floored me. I am shaking like mad, can't think straight and have spent the last hour vomiting.
I hate talking about what happened, actually that's a lie, I CAN'T talk about it. I hate dragging it all to the front of my mind and ending up like this. Does it get any easier? I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.

Good morning Cuppa. Hope that you managed to get a little sleep last night . . . It doesn't sound stupid, managing to get into pyjamas and get the bed ready. Each thing that you manage to do for yourself or for your dd is one step further into the future and away from those b*stards . . . .

Thinking of you

Thanks Longtallsally, I managed an hour, better than nothing I suppose. Poor dd has woke up loaded with cold and a high temp so it's a day on the sofa fur us.

sounds snuggly. Sympathies for dd - I've got the cold too - seems to be doing the rounds of MN! Off to find my not-very-well-blanket and curl up on the settee, too.

Hope you feel better soon longtallsally x

Hope you feel better soon longtallsally x

Mmm cold here too, sympathies to your DD and LongTall.

Have you looked through PTSD grounding techniques yet? Getting pj's on and bed ready is a great step forward. I was thinking earlier it was only 18months ago I stood where you are, now 90% of my nights are "dream" free without medication and now I can cope when it happens, so I can confirm it DOES get easier.

I think the coping strategies are the most beneficial, as you can face anything when prepared.

Have you thought of Rape Crisis for help?

Natural, I have had a read of the links you posted, the grounding techniques were very helpful. Even if I can just get an hour a night without ending up vomiting it would be lovely.
I have managed again to get pjs on but not feeling great. I have 'stole' one of dds teddys and a blanket to put on the bed, hopefully that will help.
I am pleased you are finding it easier now x

When using a teddy and blanket it helps, if you feel like you are back to being your 16 year old self, to hug and talk to the teddy, wrapping you both in the blanket and saying "it's ok, you/we are safe now" over and over, whilst not reacting to the flashback iyswim.

Therapy will help to discuss everything but when it's just you, doing the grounding can help to get you through, even if you have to squeeze tight to the teddy.

Fingers crossed for you tonight, x

Morning cuppa, hope the teddy and blanket gave you some comfort.

Also hope that DD feels a bit better today.

Good morning Cuppa and Cuppa's dd. How's the cold this morning? Mine's really dragging on - bleeeuugh.

Thinking of you both

Thankyou for the kind messages. Dd is still loaded and feeling very sorry for herself. I am not doing much better. I feel awful this evening, I just do not want to be here anymore. It's too much, it's too hard. I hate this existence I have just had enough of everything.

I can not do this. Flashback after flashback, I am still living this nightmare, why won't it end.

Cuppa, I know only too well When did you last see a gp/crisis team?

They should be able to help with meds. The grounding techniques do work, I wouldn't be saying so if they didn't but it takes time to learn how to do it.

Hugs, ginger beer is supposed to be good for colds.

I have the number for the crisis team, I just don't want to phone. I want it to end. I want it to go away. I am in such a mess.
Natural, I am so sorry that you understand how I feel, nobody should have to feel like this. Nobody.
I can't carry on like this, I've been running on empty for too long. I can't do it

Cuppa just read your thread. Things won't just go away by themselves....seriously....phoning the crisis team could help- just making contact with another human being can sometimes bring you back to reality. You need to be supported through this terrible time and people are there for you.

PS I had nightmares/flashbacks (only physical not sexual abuse) that were made a whole lot worse by counselling. It was like opening a Pandora's box that wouldn't shut. However, it was completely necessary....though it didn't feel like it at the time! If you work through it- you will get better. Please be honest with those around you and offering you help.

I truly wish you weren't going through it too. If I had one wish it would be to take it away for you.

Do you know if anything is triggering the flashbacks? My triggers were spoken words so I had to ditch the tv and music with lyrics.

What rl family/friends do you have?

Are you struggling financially? ie having to take time off work.

Are you exercising?

Are you eating properly and what are you eating?

Sorry if the q's feel invasive but you might have some practical stuff that can be easier.

Sillymummy, I can't phone them, I am just too much of a state
Natural, thankyou, that really does mean a lot x
TV is a big no for me, as is reading now, I used to always have my nose in a book. Not now.
I am very close to one side of my family but they don't, and never can know what happened. My closest friend knows that something happened, but not the truth.
I am struggling to eat at the moment. Making do on a tin of soup or sandwich a day. Anything more makes me sick.

Sillymummy, I can't phone them, I am just too much of a state
Natural, thankyou, that really does mean a lot x
TV is a big no for me, as is reading now, I used to always have my nose in a book. Not now.
I am very close to one side of my family but they don't, and never can know what happened. My closest friend knows that something happened, but not the truth.
I am struggling to eat at the moment. Making do on a tin of soup or sandwich a day. Anything more makes me sick.

I have just read all this thread cuppa and about 15 years ago I could have been writing this thread !

First of all like others have said ....... however bad it seems now ( and yes those nightmares are just sooooooo really they can physically hurt) it is definately possible to get through this and with support get to the point where it does not hurt this way.

I am not gonna kid you, it might seem like forever at the time, but life can indeed be well worth living. My DD3 was a toddler when I was where you are and looking at a medicine cabinet that had more than enough in it to do the job several times over. My DH was working away at the time and telling anyone, even him, that all this gunk was surfacing was the hardest thing I ever did.

Like others have said I can only reiterate that grounding is the most important thing you can learn to do .... the most important thing for you to do is to be gentle to yourself just like you would do with your DD if she was crying and upset. Like others I had a teddy that even came to sessions with me and this teddy was little ME .

Finding the right person ... be it counsellor or psychotherapist or specialist organisation .... for YOU is the key. I started off with NHS psychiatrist but because I could not verbalise exactly what the issue was he just sent me for "anxiety" therapy sessions !!! Thankfully the CPN there actually listened and "read through the lines" and agreed that was inapproriate !!!

I got access to a specialist counsellor and oh boy did that make a difference for me ...... but even if there is no NHS specialist in your area you can get that sort of support vias links such as nurtures. This will also reassure you I hope that you are not alone by any means in feeling the way you do right now at this stage.... reassure you that yes it may be tough but that we can survive this .

I look at my five grandchildren now and so glad I did not open that cabinet .

Please Do try to eat ..... little but often ..... low blood sugar will only be making things worse ..... theres the practical mothering bit of advice lol

So sorry that you are having a really difficult evening.

Cuppa, the crisis team are there to help you. I really think you should seriously consider calling them- its fine to call them regardless of how much of a state you are in. The more severe your state, the more reason to call IYSWIM.

I still find reading a bit difficult, still haven't got my concentration back.

Can you say to the family you are close to that you are struggling? I don't know you're situation but you could say something along the lines of, I'm a bit lonely being on my own could you rally round for a bit, or I have to get out a bit more, or I'm thinking of college but don't know if I'm confident enough to do it??? Just ideas to try and get them to support you a bit more, you could say you have depression, that would cover any issues relating to flashbacks without having to say what it is iyswim?

Eating is important, can you have a couple of small meals, half a tin in the morning, half in the afternoon. Could you make your own? I say that as some foods have a lot of added stuff and not many nutrients and the actual task of cooking can help to distract from things. A chicken noodle soup or leek and potato or pumpkin etc will be good for you and your DD.

A half hour a day of exercise as well can help to expel some energy and stop your brain working as much, that really worked for me, either a run out if your dd is at nursery/school (I've forgotten how old she is, I have very bad short term memory still) or pilates/yoga in the living room, or skipping.

Repetitve games are good too, solitaire, mahjong, minesweeper, just to focus your brain on something else.

Please try and call the crisis team as well, mine were great even though the main psychiatrist looked very similar to my attacker and left me literally climbing the wall, the psych nurse was great and spent a long time trying to ease my worries about the tv I was having psychosis with it and believed I was being sent instructions They will have heard everything, including stuff like I don't/can't be alone.

The samaritans are good too and will listen or talk to you. I found talking on the phone too difficult so emailed people instead. I was triggered by words which made it hard but SillyMummy is right, sometimes just being around other people does help.

sorry, that's an essay nearly

I thankyou for all of your messages, and apologise as I can't reply to them separately, I am just not capable.
I have well and truly had enough. I can't change things, I can't live with this.
If my family ever found out what happened, it would tear us to bits. My brother hasn't told them, I can't either.
It's my own fault, nobody else to blame, I chose this path.

It's not your fault. Keep posting, there is lots of support here for you. Can you get into bed now with the teddy and blanket?

I can't even think about getting into bed, I am honestly too scared. I need a rest from it, I need some sleep. I still have the diazepam from the gp to take but I'm too scared to open the medicine cupboard. What if I start and can't stop. Would that be a bad thing. God this is such a mess.