Please help, I'm a total mess after counselling

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

My second counselling session was this morning and it has totally floored me. I am shaking like mad, can't think straight and have spent the last hour vomiting.
I hate talking about what happened, actually that's a lie, I CAN'T talk about it. I hate dragging it all to the front of my mind and ending up like this. Does it get any easier? I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.

Sounds like it was a tough one. Actually the curling up in a ball (without the never waking up bit) is not a bad idea. Alternatively anything that sooths you right now. Sometimes counselling sessions that go deep leave you exposed. I used to feel like a tortoise who'd lost her shell.

Talking about it will start paying dividends as it lessens the festering that goes on inside. But it is important that you tell your counsellor how you felt today so you cna work out together whether you are going too fast and also so that your counsellor can help you with some self care strategies.

Oh thats totally normal. It takes me a week to get over some of the tougher sessions, its working, dont give in. You need to get it out there, hear yourself say stuff, let it hurt on the way out, then the healing comes. I have had a few tough ones, but its so cleansing after a time, keep a journal and keep it with you, write down what you think and feel.

Its all good. Keep going.xx

"Tortoise who'd lost her shell", that's exactly how it feels Madmouse. It's quite surreal. I just wish there was an easier way to deal with it than this, it's just too hard.

Agree with madmouse and numbertaker. If it feels so painful to get it out, imagine what it's doing to you if you keep it in. Well done, and give it time. It's going to be OK.

Counselling is a very vulnerable experience. It's totally normal to feel exposed and shaky at the start, but it should get easier. Try writing it all down (on MN if you don't fancy writing it privately in a diary or whatnot) and bring it up at your next session with your counsellor. Stay strong, you WILL get through this.

Thankyou for the replies. I am still feeling awful today, managed about an hours sleep then the nightmares started. I am a total bloody failure. Poor dd is still in her pjs watching cbeebies, I should be taking her out, or playing with her but I just don't have the energy. I can't see a way out of this hell hole.

You are not a failure at all. You are bravely facing up to something difficult. Look after yourself like you would if you were recovering from a physical illness. Rest, eat well, don't try to do too much, and most importantly don't give yourself a hard time. It won't hurt your DD to spend some time in front of the TV while you recover. xx

Thankyou Uberalice. I am failing at being a proper mum. She deserves so much more than me.
I am trapped in a never ending circle of nightmares, flashbacks, vomitting and no sleep. I have reached the end of my tether with it all. The counselling is just too hard to deal with.
I can't stop thinking about when "it" was happening, how scared I was that they were going to kill us. Now I wish they had.

I can't take any more of this. I am cracking up. Can't stop crying. I just want the pain to go away. Trying so hard not to open the medicine cupboard. Why did they have to do it to me. I am living in hell and there is no way out. Just need it to end.

Cuppa- pls call Samaritans or a friend before you do anything. Keep on here too? Yr dc need you, they only have one mum, YOU!

Are you being seen by a community mental health team? If not, get to your GP and tell him/her how bad this feels. Are you on any medication?
Call a friend or relative you can trust even if it just for some distraction. Don't take an overdose, your baby needs you and this WILL stop hurting, you just need to weather this storm.

I'm not on any meds, the gp didn't want to prescribe them until I'd tried the counselling. I just can't do it, I can't stop the flashbacks and I can't cope with them.

Cuppa. What r the flashbacks? Who wanted to get u?

I think you need to call your gp in the morning for an appointment. In the meantime Can you ring your drs mental health crisis team? If you need to talk to someone, rather than typing can you call your counsellor or the Samaritans?

Hi Cuppa, did your counsellor teach you any techniques to help with the flashbacks? A good one is to wear an elastic band round your wrist and when you feel a flashback starting to ping it. The 'pain' can help bring you back and ground you and help you cope a bit better.

It's a long story, it was to do with a family members "debts". They raped me at any given opportunity. I have posted about it before just under a different name and I have no idea how to do links, sorry x

Well cuppa, that sounds awful and traumatic and more than enough reason to feel (wrongly) bad about yourself. Don't let them win, yr baby needs you. Pla get some help, you deserve it!

Thankyou. I just need a rest from it all.
The counsellor has told me about the techniques to help with the flashbacks, sometimes they do work, other times I'm in such a mess I can't think straight to do them (sorry I'm not making a great deal of sense)

So sorry that you're having to deal with such awful stuff. The techniques the counsellor introduced to you do take practice so don't give up. The more you do them, the easier they will become. It's normal to be up and down for a while. Don't lose hope.

I just seem to be sinking deeper into a black hole. Everyday things are such a struggle as I just can't concentrate on anything. If I'm having a flashback or a panic attack I am good for nothing, the rest of the time I'm terrified of having them. I am trying so hard not to open the medicine cupboard but its all I can think of. Just to fall asleep and not wake up, it would be over, no more of this hell.

You are not good for nothing, you just feel that way because you are depressed. Please phone the Samaritans. They will help you.

Thankyou, I'm not sure about phoning the samaritans, I can't talk out loud about it

You wouldn't have to talk to the Samaritans about it, they are there to help and I think it would be a really good thing if you called them.

It sounds like you have had a horrific experience. I am so sorry.

Please hang on with all your might, your DD needs you and you WILL get over this.

Are you seeing a counsellor or a psychotherapist? I'm not an expert but I think you should be under the care of the latter as I think they are better placed to help someone in your circumstances.

I am only seeing a counsellor, and had to wait months for that. Unfortunately paying private is not an option for us so had to battle the nhs waiting lists. I don't really want to do counselling at all, its tearing me to shreds but the gp won't give me meds without the counselling as apparently that would be "trying to mask over the problem".
I desperately need some rest, I'm lucky if I get an hours sleep a night.

Does your doctor know that you are feeling this desperate? In my (unprofessional) opinion, he/she should have provided more help and support than a counsellor who you have waited ages to see.

You need and deserve more help and support. Honestly you do.

Get through tonight, consider calling the Samaritans, and use MN for support.

Tomorrow, make an emergency appointment with your GP. If anyone tries to make it difficult for you to get an appointment tomorrow, tell them you are struggling to the extent that you cannot go on without help.

Please don't be afraid that asking for help means someone is going to make you talk about what happened. They might ask, but you don't have to discuss it, not until you feel ready.

I hope I don't sound too bossy.....