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Original poster

Please help, I'm a total mess after counselling

384 replies

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 14/08/2012 12:40

My second counselling session was this morning and it has totally floored me. I am shaking like mad, can't think straight and have spent the last hour vomiting.
I hate talking about what happened, actually that's a lie, I CAN'T talk about it. I hate dragging it all to the front of my mind and ending up like this. Does it get any easier? I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.

OP posts:
MontBlanc · 23/08/2012 21:48

I'm saying a prayer for you Cuppa that you will have peace tonight and sleep well. I'm sorry if this doesn't help at all, but I just want to know there are people thinking about you, you are not alone. Please look after yourself, your DD needs you.

tazzle22 · 23/08/2012 21:48

Cuppa .. I once thought that too..... I even believed that my three DC would actually be better off without me as I could not be much of a mum to them. I considered other ends sometimes just out of the blue like driving inot a bus Sad But you know this... your DD would rather have her mummy even if she was sick for a while.

Even if you "chose" this path Cuppa, even if you think you made a conscious decision, you also chose to leave that path to go down the road you are on now. Its a rocky one for sure but its not impassable and yes you CAN change things....yes you can live through this even if its just a minute at a time !!!

Maybe just choose on thing from all the suggestions made her..... one thing that the "adult" you thinks the little child needs or can cope with and do that one thing. We here can nurture from afar and suggest things but your "adult" needs to be the one to persuade the little inner child ( we all have one ) she is valuable and not let her physically self destruct.

wanttomakeadifference · 23/08/2012 21:52

Big huge hug cuppa.

What happened was really really really not your fault.

I understand why you don't want to tell your family. I'm not saying you should tell them, but I'm sure if they new how much you were struggling they would desperately want to help you.

Just get through this evening, take it half an hour at a time. Deep breaths. Do you have a picture of DD to hold? If you are able to try the grounding exercises.

I know we all all strangers over the Internet Cuppa, but we do care about you and I think we all feel you should call the crisis team and tell them that you are at breaking point (but we will be here to listen whatever you decide to do).

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 23/08/2012 21:59

The prayer does mean a lot, although I am not worthy of it. I could have ran earlier, I could have told somebody, I should have got my brother help. We don't speak at all anymore, yet I don't blame him. Possibly being stupid, I miss him. I miss that we were the only really close ones of the whole messed up family. I hate the fact that I miss him.
My dd is my whole world, but I am not good enough for her. She is an amazing little girl, and deserves amazing parents. I am not one of them. If I can let this happen to me, how on earth can I protect dd.

OP posts:
NaturalNature · 23/08/2012 22:00

I was the same, like tassle, but your DD needs you.

Would you be able to contact MIND? You don't need to discuss details just say you are struggling. Keep talking, it is not your fault even if you think you chose it, the fualt lies entirely with the people who choose to abuse you.There would havebeen no abuse if THEY hadn't have chosen it.

It is not your fault.

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 23/08/2012 22:16

I know that I shouldn't blame myself, but I torture myself with it. I think I am going to try the diazepam, if it can only give me an hour or two, maybe I will feel better. I can't stay awake all night tonight, I will do something stupid. I do not trust myself.
I am terrified of being put to sleep with tablets in case I can't wake up from the nightmares.
Oh god I just want to sleep Sad I feel sick with crying so much.

OP posts:
sillymummy11 · 23/08/2012 22:49

Cuppa of COURSE you can protect DD- you know what happened to you is wrong and would be more aware than most. I expect your DD already thinks that you are an amazing parent....but the point is, that at the moment you don't have to be. You just have to be 'good enough' which is keeping her fed, warm, clothed and sheltered from the elements- but it sounds like you love her to bits so I expect you are surpassing 'good enough' already. Give yourself a break- save being amazing for another time!

tazzle22 · 23/08/2012 23:17

Cuppa .... whether or not you will 100% be able to stop anything bad at all whther human abuse or being teased at school) ever happening to DD is not the relevant thing atm. What IS relvant atm is that you are her mum and the most important thing in her life.

I know the fear of the nighmares... I still have a "habit" insomnia which I might not have developed if I had taken something to help me sleep. The actual "dreaming" part is actually a very short part of the whole sleep process despite it appearing otherwise so try to engage "adult" a little ( I know how hard that is for sure but that is what we are trying to help you to do) and rationalise that if you take the tablets for a bit that will actually keep you physically more resiliant .... and that will help you to deal with the other stuff better. Low blood sugar and tiredness make everything worse !

Longtallsally · 24/08/2012 08:44

On Cuppa Sad I wasn't on MN last night, so have just caught up with this. Just logging on to see how you are this morning.

Sweetheart, you must be sooo tired. That will be making the flashbacks even more powerful. But you are doing so well, too. Hang onto the fact that each day you survive is a day further away from it all. (And by the way, you will be better prepared than most to protect your dd from anything serious happening. Your family knew nothing - you will know all of the signs to look for.

Echoing others encouragement for you to phone the Crisis team if you can today, or email them, if they have an email address. The Samaritans certainly do - will find it for you.

Let us know how you are. Thoughts and prayers coming from me too. x

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 24/08/2012 09:04

Thankyou everyone. I did manage a couple of hours, thanks to the tablets. I am not right at all. I am going to get dd and I ready and phone the crisis team. For the first time in ages I cut last night. I can't carry on getting worse like this.

OP posts:
Longtallsally · 24/08/2012 09:59

Glad that you managed to get some sleep, Cuppa, and that you are going to call the Crisis Team too. It's what they are there for. (It might be worth asking them if they know whether you should persist with counselling, if your counsellor is not truama trained)

Have you got any CBeebies style DVDs which you could watch at night to distract you? Favourite programmes which you and dd have watched together? I'm having a clear out of Ds2s old videos and dvd's soon, so if we can let you have a bundle, you are very welcome to them.

x

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 24/08/2012 12:12

That is very kind of you longtallsally x
I have phoned them and somebody is coming out to see me this afternoon. She did say who she was but I couldn't hear properly, I just can't stop crying Blush

OP posts:
NaturalNature · 24/08/2012 16:28

Are your cuts cleaned and not deep? I cut at my worst but my DS saw them so I started using an elastic band on my wrist instead, it was a way to cut without the damage or stress to my DS. Hopefully the crisis team will help you a bit more and don't worry about their name, they'll tell you again.

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 24/08/2012 16:54

Thankyou Natural, they aren't too bad. The lady that came out was nice, gave me coping strategies, asked a few questions and that was that. I think I'm just beyond help tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 24/08/2012 16:54

Thankyou Natural, they aren't too bad. The lady that came out was nice, gave me coping strategies, asked a few questions and that was that. I think I'm just beyond help tbh.

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NaturalNature · 24/08/2012 17:16

You are not beyond help but there is only so much other people can do, the biggest person to help you is you.

You are already doing that so well.

Learning to use coping strategies is really useful.

Basics self care is good too, washing, bathing, eating, exercise really do help.

Once you have those coping strategies in place councelling will be easier to cope with

I agree with the others that you'll be able to protect your DD better than most but she needs you here to do that and you can do it

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 24/08/2012 17:49

I haven't managed to eat today but we are both showered and dressed so I suppose that's something. I will try to have something when dd goes to bed.
I am not sure what to do tonight. Probably just give up on the hope of sleep and find something to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 24/08/2012 17:49

I haven't managed to eat today but we are both showered and dressed so I suppose that's something. I will try to have something when dd goes to bed.
I am not sure what to do tonight. Probably just give up on the hope of sleep and find something to do.

OP posts:
NaturalNature · 24/08/2012 18:23

Sleep deprivation is horrible so trying to get sleep is important.

What meds do you have? Take the prescribed doses and try to sleep on the sofa with some music on.

Have a warm bath beforehand and do some exercise after your DD is asleep.

As longtall says, I have a couple of moderate/easy exercise dvd's you could have.

Doing puzzles can help to distract your brain aswell.

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 24/08/2012 18:33

I have 50mg of sertraline and diazepam to take if necessary. I am going to try one hour at a time tonight, hopefully that may help a little.
So first of all get dd to bed. Then decide what to eat.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 24/08/2012 18:33

I have 50mg of sertraline and diazepam to take if necessary. I am going to try one hour at a time tonight, hopefully that may help a little.
So first of all get dd to bed. Then decide what to eat.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 24/08/2012 21:46

I think I have come to the end of the road. I can not see a way out of this. I have tried all of the coping strategies and they are not working. I have had enough Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 24/08/2012 21:46

I think I have come to the end of the road. I can not see a way out of this. I have tried all of the coping strategies and they are not working. I have had enough Sad

OP posts:
wanttomakeadifference · 24/08/2012 21:50

Hi Cuppa, hope you are doing ok this evening and have managed to get something to eat.

I think if you often, and every time I do I send you positive thoughts and vibes.

wanttomakeadifference · 24/08/2012 21:55

I wrote my previous post before I saw your most recent post Cuppa.

Please hold on, there is so much hope for you. Your DD needs you in her life, she really does.

Call the Samaritans, you don't have to explain anything to them but they will help you.

Just get through tonight Cuppa, and then deal with tomorrow when it comes.