Anyone around - being admitted tomorrow.

[fluffydressinggown]

Sorry again for more depressing stuff from me.

My self harm has continued to get worse and I overdosed (as self harm) on Tuesday and I have attended A&E twice this week for cuts which needed internal stitches. I feel compelled to hurt myself as much as I can and unable to stop myself and I know that if I carry on I will cause myself a serious injury or kill myself.

And so tomorrow I am going into hospital, for a short assessment (3 days we think). I am really really worried and scared but I know it is the right decision. I am going in voluntarily so I can leave if I want to. I am utterly utterly exhausted, I am so tired of feeling like hurting myself, I am so tired of feeling compelled to hurt myself. To the point where as I am doing it I don't want to. I am so tired of going to A&E and shocking the nurses with what I have done to myself. I am so very tired of everything.

They think I might have OCD, where the obsession is the damage I can cause to myself and the compulsion is the self harm. I am not triggered by a specific event or feeling, it is just constant intrusive and upsetting thoughts about harming myself in increasingly horrid ways that I feel compelled to act upon.

I am so scared. I wish this wasn't me :(

Have you got anyone MH wise you can ring? Take care fluffy

I can ring crisis, I have appointments for next Tuesday but nothing in between. I want to trash myself and die. Ringing crisis is pointless, I burn myself with cups of tea, I have been for a million walks, and the only thing they can do is listen or admit me and I don't want to go back :(

Hugs fluffy

I have been on quite a few meds you have mentioned.

Do you feel they are helping at all ?

Baby steps all the way, when you wake just focus on getting out of bed, then the next thing, try to do one thing each day you enjoy.

I cannot imagine what you must be going through, the mind is a very strange thing and mental illnesses are dealt with badly ime. Thank goodness you have people on this thread who can understand you and understand how you feel.

Can I ask scheherezade what helped you stop doing this to yourself? I wonder if it may help fluffy.

I feel really really flat. Just want to sleep all day, every now and again have a huge crying fit and want to kill myself. Haven't really done a lot because I am not right, too many thoughts of horrible things, thinking that it seems quite reasonable to cut body parts off again :( I will have to do a deep cut tomorrow, I am seriously thinking about dying, just not right.

Not on any medication now.

I am having some strange thoughts, bit scared. Seriously considering breaking my arm with a hammer and cutting a chunk out of my boob tomorrow (shaving my legs yesterday it seemed pretty logical to cut my nipple off - I resisted). I don't think I am very well :( It is hard to know how much of this is a reaction to being 'free' and discharged and how much is unwell.

Saw my care person today, she was concerned but ok with me at home etc.

Cut today, needed internal stitches which is not a good sign. Not offered any support at hospital, I think they are bored of me now, the nurses/ (regular) doctors know me by my first name or my funny ways ("oh you don't like the needle do you? but you do sit still").

Fluffy did you tell your care person about your thoughts?

I am now actively self harming, feel a bit bizarre tbh. Took a hammer to my hand today but no joy in breaking it so the cycle continues. Got stitches on Thursday and cut a chunk out of my chest today.

I feel, switched off or shut down.

Community team just want me to ride this out in the hope I get it out of my system. I am not sure if this approach will work or not, I am still hovering around ODing but have not done it yet. I am unsure if I am escalating or winding down, surprised at the pain, all of me hurts. Had to see plastics about the burns on my arms. Days feels impossibly long, am trying to stay busy.

Could a couple of hours a week volunteering or something help? Just so that you have other things to think about, and your mind is not whirring around your own problems so much? Just a friendly suggestion.

That is the goal. At the moment I can only speak to my DH without crying, I sobbed when someone asked me my post code today I went to the shop today which was ok, first time since coming home so progress! Find walking down the street hard because of thoughts of walking in front of cars.

I am really not well and have some mega sensory issues going on at the moment and they want me to do some work on that before I volunteer. The team working with me do want me to do some volunteering but they have said I am just not in the right place yet.

It is hard though because it is a bit of a chicken and egg thing - when I get out and about self harm might not be so huge but self harm is so huge that I can't get out and about.

Best wishes for continued recovery. x

Hi fluffy, sorry I dropped off your post. How are you doing?

I'm afraid me and fluffy have different diagnoses Tam, so for me it was just finding the right medication.

How are you, fluffy? I've just read this thread and have been so upset for you. I hope things are a little better for you.

fluffy's new thread

Thanks very much, mummylin.

Been lurking for ages, going to to the other thread now.

Thanks mummylin.
Have not crossed your path for a long time. Iwas slim22 and 5 years ago i left he Uk the same day my best friends was sectionned for an extreme manic episode. You gave us so much support at a time when I had absolutely no understanding of what was going on and you kept me going for many many sleppless nights and thanks to your precious guidance i was in turn able to have a more informed view and support her DH the best i could.
Hope life has been good to you and your daughter

Why thankyou so much for that. I hope things turned out well eventually.My dd is fine thankyou for asking x