Anyone around - being admitted tomorrow.

[fluffydressinggown]

Sorry again for more depressing stuff from me.

My self harm has continued to get worse and I overdosed (as self harm) on Tuesday and I have attended A&E twice this week for cuts which needed internal stitches. I feel compelled to hurt myself as much as I can and unable to stop myself and I know that if I carry on I will cause myself a serious injury or kill myself.

And so tomorrow I am going into hospital, for a short assessment (3 days we think). I am really really worried and scared but I know it is the right decision. I am going in voluntarily so I can leave if I want to. I am utterly utterly exhausted, I am so tired of feeling like hurting myself, I am so tired of feeling compelled to hurt myself. To the point where as I am doing it I don't want to. I am so tired of going to A&E and shocking the nurses with what I have done to myself. I am so very tired of everything.

They think I might have OCD, where the obsession is the damage I can cause to myself and the compulsion is the self harm. I am not triggered by a specific event or feeling, it is just constant intrusive and upsetting thoughts about harming myself in increasingly horrid ways that I feel compelled to act upon.

I am so scared. I wish this wasn't me :(

Did you not tell them you had intentions of DSH when you would be at home?

Madmouse is right in what she says. You have said you wanted to be at home and you are an informal patient. You can do as you wish.

When you recognise the need to dsh, what skills have you been taught to utllise?

I don't know to explain it, I can't cope if I don't, it just is something I have to do.

I have nothing positive no. Well my husband, friends, family usual, but it doesn't matter any more. I just can't see a way forward.

I feel really really low tonight, so sad that I don't know how to change it. So sad that this is me. Today it just clarified that I will kill myself because I don't know how to live like this and everyone says it is my fault (in a nicer way) because I am not making positive choices or whatever. And it probably is but I have nothing in me to give any more. I am so very very tired and maybe things should be different but I don't know they can to be. I just feel totally out of control.

How long have you been like this? What kicked it off? What were you like before?

They know my plans to SH, they know that I will do what I say I have in my head, they know that my SI is (supposedly life/limb threatening). They just said they can't contain me and they have to positively manage my risk.

And that's fine, I have no fight in me. I know now that nothing will change, certainly not in the next 6 months or so, so I will continue on and see where it takes me. They basically said today they could not help me because I don't self harm like anyone else. Oh and that they think I do have a personality disorder (not bpd).

So I will wait and get a CPN, and wait the months for the psychotherapy I need (apparently CBT isn't appropriate for me)

I know all of the tricks, ice cubes, red pen, food die, ringing the crisis team, going for a walk, talking to my husband or friends, watching TV, going online, having a cig, writing down how I feel, holding my hands under warm water, squeezing a stress ball. None of them do anything.

My SI is about damage, nothing else will do (which is why I want to immediate help to help keep me a bit safer) and I am not triggered and nor do I get any sort of emotional release from it. I feel sad doing it because I don't want to, I feel frustrated doing it because I don't want to, I feel resigned afterwards because of the inevitable A&E hassle, I don't want to externalise my pain, I don't want to communicate my distress, I don't want to distract myself from my internal pain, I don't want the rush of endorphins, I don't feel anything afterwards, it fucking hurts but emotionally I just feel fed up. And apparently nobody else self harms like that, so I will have to continue because they don't know how to help me :(

Sorry, you don't have to answer me if I'm being nosy and intrusive!

the staff will be extremely experienced in this. You just tell them you do not feel safe being on your own as your urge to self harm is great,. tell them that you have plans to dsh, not just thoughts.

Once you open up and begin a dialogue you will find it easier. Is there a primary nurse or any other nurse who you have a bit of a rapport with
? Sometimes it is easier to talk to certian members of staff.

Believe me, there is very little which would shock them. They will have seen and heard it all before many times. And those people in your position have got through it, but it takes alot of honesty and hard work all round and you have to want to get better.

Its ok, I left a job under difficult circumstances but my instinct is that any sort of situation where I felt out of control and down could have kicked it off.

My self harm re-started after a long time about 6 weeks ago. In the past 4 weeks I have attended A-E 8 times with self harm, and the week before I was in hospital I cut twice and overdosed once in a week.

I am normally very functioning, I am a teacher and have a normal, healthy social life and I swim a couple of times a week.

BakersDozen - they know and they know I will do it, they just said they can't help me so I can go home with the HITT. I have told everyone, I told two doctors today but one of them literally said 'we can only help some people and those are the people we help' They have repeatedly said they have not met anyone like me before :(

The crisis team, A&E and the inpatient unit are shocked at my level of self harm, they told me today that they had not seen someone as rational and calm as me with such severe self harm before, they would associate cuts like mine with people lacking capacity due to psychosis.

Fluffy I am so sorry about this. I can't claim it's something I understand but please do keep fighting for some kind of treatment, even if it just tablets in the short term.

I am on trazodone, they do fuck all.

I have a treatment plan, CPN and then psychotherapy. Which will take forever. They have said that low intensity nurse led therapy will not give me the help I need. CBT is not in depth enough apparently. So um, I am rather stuck.

well i am flabberghasted that first the doc said they wil only help some people. and also that they have never seen such severe self harm before. Particularly from an inpatient unit.

I am wondering what sort of hospital this is!

The doctor bit, I can only presume what he was saying is that some people dont want the help and therefore they are unable to help them?

As for rational and calm, that is often the case, due to the relief of the SH/ I am honestly wondering about this unit that you are in!!

I get no relief from SI, I feel the same before and after.

It is an NHS assessment unit. I am at home now though, came home tonight because I have travel to a funeral tomorrow first thing.

My legs look worse than they are tbh.

I think they have seen worse but they can't marry up how I am with what I do.

yes you will feel the same after as before. but whilst doing it there is a sense of relief. sh folk are calm. I do not understand that they cannot marry up how you are and what you do.

Oh well, I hope you get the help you need. And in the right place x

Surprised at the sudden mention of a personality disorder in one of your posts. Are you willing to say which one they suspect?

It does sound like you are getting the right referral for a personality disorder. CBT won't help you here. It would be fantastic if you could get the long term intensive psychotherapy that can actually help with a personality disorder.

No I asked what type but she said she didnt know and wouldnt talk about it. So thats a bit frustrating.

I just feel really sad an resigned today just going to have to accept that nobody can help me in this crisis and I feel unablw to help myself so I.will just see where the road leads.

Oh.and it is a bit unclear but I have not asked to be discharged and I have talked to staff about how I feel during my time there. They are saying that because I still want to self harm they can't help me because hospital is for unwell people and I can funcyion and they cant.keep me there just to stop me self harming if I think I.still will when I am alone. My husband and myself have said that this is a crisis and.hopefully I.won't feel like this forever and we want support to get me rhrough it. But because I have capacity and know my self harm is shit but still do ut they cant help me.

One of the things you can do is seek company when you feel like SI. As soon as the urge strikes and becomes hard to fight make sure you are not alone.

Another update. Well yesterday was a very very difficult day (my Grandma's funeral + everything else that is going on). DH sobbed through the funeral because he is so scared I will kill myself accidentally because of the way I self harm. Not easy seeing your husband crying because of the things you do to yourself. I don't know really, I hate myself for making him worry so much. I went back to the hospital that night because I was having strong feelings about breaking my arms. I still do which is terrifying :(

My husband and I spoke to the team again and today they said that they think I do need inpatient treatment and I have been transferred to a unit. Basically we went through all the reasons they felt I should be discharged (had SIed on the unit - BUT had stopped myself and sought help, had been going out on leave - BUT always supervised and prior to admission I was not really socialising any time I spent with friends was spent with me crying about self harm, not eating on the unit - I have long term issues with food and eating around strangers). We also discussed the severity of my self harm and they seemed to understand more my need and push for damage.

We also established that generally I have been calmer and more functional on the ward and that is because I know I can be safe here. I was at home Tuesday night (before the funeral) and I was so distressed and it reminded me of the weeks of distressing nights I had prior to admission which have actually stopped for the large part. I am calmer here and probably in a better place to start to work on my desire and drive to self harm.

Still no diagnosis. Long term treatment plan is psychotherapy, they are all still very puzzled by me because my self harm is not like 99.9% of self harmers - not triggered, very 'male' in terms of the damage and methodology, I am very calm, the planning and ritual elements to it, the fact that I don't 'enjoy' or find it a release or calming. They are thinking of working with the eating disorder team to try to help me because my mind set about my self harm has a lot in common with an eating disorder, particularly in the way that I really don't want to do it but cannot stop myself.

Whew I feel relieved reading that - well done deciding what you need and taking responsibility for getting it. I really hope it's upwards from here. They could be on to something with the eating disorder thing. I'm two people, the one who worries about the eating issues and the one who does the disordered eating. And one cant always stop the other.

Yes yes Madmouse - I feel like two people. One of them is saying WTF and the other one is saying self harm, self harm and pushing for the damage. Difficult.

TBH I was surprised they listened to us because on Tuesday they were really pushing for a discharge even though me and DH were begging them not to. Thankfully some lovely nurses listened and helped to fight our corner.

I might be discharged from here tomorrow for all I know but it does feel like a step forward that someone acknowledged how unsafe and difficult I find being at home.

fluffy - it sounds like a step in the right direction. Thank goodness for experienced nurses, they're worth their weight in gold!

Thanks for asking about me :)

I am sort of settled into the new hospital. I am still spending most of my time in my room, but that's me as a person tbh I am quite quiet and keep myself to myself.

I am a lot calmer than when I was first admitted, still getting lots of anxiety and panicy feeling and still lots of self harm thoughts but I suppose I feel more supported in hospital to manage them.

Been out for a meal with friends tonight which was nice.

Talkee with the dr in this unit today, I think I will be discharged early next week. I feeel calmer and less chaotic now. I know I will need lots of support on discharge and they were talking about about a week of twice a day visits from the crisis team initially. Hmm. I am getting a cpn and she is going to come here to see me this week. The problem is that if I self harm again it could have a bad outcome so they are risk assessing like mad!

I suppose I am scared as well because I don't know what I will do or how I will feel and I am scared of feeling how I felt before I came in but then I know I can't stay here forever. Just worried I suppose because I think I will cut my leg, it all feels so unfinished.

In my notes from my MDT meeting it says 'appears quite ambivalent re self-harm' and I am not sure what this means. We discussed the fact that if I do cut it won't be safely because, to me, the point of self harm is the damage so...why would I try to be safe with it? Its either no cutting or deep cutting, nothing inbetween. I know that sounds defeatist but he asked me specifically if I felt I could make my self harm less risky and I was honest.