Anyone around - being admitted tomorrow.

[fluffydressinggown]

Sorry again for more depressing stuff from me.

My self harm has continued to get worse and I overdosed (as self harm) on Tuesday and I have attended A&E twice this week for cuts which needed internal stitches. I feel compelled to hurt myself as much as I can and unable to stop myself and I know that if I carry on I will cause myself a serious injury or kill myself.

And so tomorrow I am going into hospital, for a short assessment (3 days we think). I am really really worried and scared but I know it is the right decision. I am going in voluntarily so I can leave if I want to. I am utterly utterly exhausted, I am so tired of feeling like hurting myself, I am so tired of feeling compelled to hurt myself. To the point where as I am doing it I don't want to. I am so tired of going to A&E and shocking the nurses with what I have done to myself. I am so very tired of everything.

They think I might have OCD, where the obsession is the damage I can cause to myself and the compulsion is the self harm. I am not triggered by a specific event or feeling, it is just constant intrusive and upsetting thoughts about harming myself in increasingly horrid ways that I feel compelled to act upon.

I am so scared. I wish this wasn't me :(

You poor thing, you must feel like a ping pong ball!

Glad to see you safely back in hospital. And that it sounds like your therapy will start very soon x

MDT today.

It was all very serious, they all agreed I need to be in hospital because of the risk which is what I expected. I am just frustrated that it took them fucking up to realise it. Basically told me if I had not agreed to come in, or wanted to discharge myself I would be sectioned. Which I know, but hard to hear and I know (and they know) I really really want to be informal. Also told me that unaccompanied leave would be unlikely and again if I tried to take it they would assess me under the mental health act. They said the reason I was 'missed' before is because I am so calm. Ironically one of my therapy goals (decided prior to discharge) was support to help me to be less calm because I just don't really feel many emotions. So the reason I seem so calm and serene is because I am unwell, not because I am hiding something or because I am ok. They seem to finally get that the distressing stuff I talk about is actually distressing to me, I just don't know how to explain that other than giving facts.

They have started again with me, so new assessment, new key workers etc. It is still very hard for me to trust them though, I have been so badly let down. Someone said to me that this was not the right place for me - but actually it is, ok I might not be their usual patient but I am unwell, a serious risk to myself and at risk of being on section if I refuse to stay, so it seems to me that I am in the right place.

I have been pretty upset since I came back in, trapping my hand in doors and ++ head banging, I just feel so frustrated and distressed. It is hard that I have had a month in hospital already and only now are they starting to provide the care that is right for me.

I spoke to my new psychotherapist who I have met 3 times now, he said I will need therapy for two years. It just feels like such a huge long road :(

Sorry for such a long post.

Scheherezade - I hope you are ok, are you still inpatient?
madmouse - thank you for your reply, I hope things are ok for you at the moment.

Fluffy the two years is to the end of the road. It won't take that long to start improving. Once you get started, get work to do, you may feel better.

I hope you find strength to get through this.

I hope you dont mind me asking- When did your self harm start? Sometimes when my daughter has not behaved well and I talk to her about what she has done she says she hates herself and hits her head and pulls at her hair whilst calling herself stupid. It terrifies me what this could develop into

Chocolate that must be very upsetting.

I think I first started to hurt myself at 12ish, I developed quite disordered eating and used to bang my head.

I first cut myself at 19.

I think it is important to let your daughter know it is ok to feel, my parents (who are really lovely) did not really give me that as a child. My feelings were dismissed as silly or dramatic, so over time I just stopped feeling. So I have no real way to feel big emotions so I SI. It is different for everyone I guess. I would remind your daughter how much you love her - even if she has done a naughty thing. And let her feel, acknowledge when she is sad or worried and help her to manage feeling those emotions.

My self harm is extreme though, self harm is not a brilliant coping mechanism but most people manage and control it much better than myself.

I don't know how old she is but if you are worried you can speak to your GP about a referral to CAMHS?

Hi fluffy. I have been on the ward for 7 weeks, though allowed home this weekend. Like you my self harm is severe, I have had operations under GA to fix the damage.

I have been inpatient for 5 weeks now. I have so far avoided surgery but was at the point where A&E were struggling to manage it, I also overdose and try to break bones so they feel the risk is too high to manage at home. They are worried I will cut through an artery.

What help are they giving you? Do you feel like you are making progress? I feel very stuck in the middle and I feel like I have this threat of a section over my head so it is very stressful :(

Fluffy - I have been thinking about you a lot and I appreciate your reply. I will take you advice and monitor dd who is 8 nearly 9.

Do you have children Fluffy?

My diagnosis is bipolar I so it's all about finding the right meds, which for me is lithium. They tried me on an anti-psychotic to bring me up from the terrible down I was in, but it sent me manic/psychotic for a while, I don't have any memory of that time, I was very, very ill. I'm much better now I'm on the right meds.I tried to SH last night and wasn't able to, which I guess is a good sign. I go back tomorrow afternoon.

You will only be sectioned if you threaten to leave. I was assessed for detention and got the confirmation from 2 doctors and 2 social workers to detain me under S3, unless I agreed to stay. If I tried to leave again, they had already agreed to the section so it would happen automatically. As long as you agree to their terms (taking meds, staying in, adhering to the leave agreed) they will keep you informal, as it's less paperwork for them!

The best advice I can give is to try be as open and honest with them as you can. Even if there's only one nurse you trust, try to talk to them about your needs, what will help you etc.

Well basically I suppose I am in a similar position schezerade, they have said that they will section me unless I agree to stay in 24/7 at the moment - the psychiatrist confirmed this at my MDT. So no leave and if I try to take leave they will then section me under a section 54 which will turn into a 2. So here I stay!

I am pleased you felt unable to SI, that is brilliant :)

I have been SIing in hospital since re-admission but they are aware, head banging and shutting my hand in the doors. My head hurts and my hand is swollen and bruised but I suppose that is just where I am right now. It is hard to accept that I am unwell. I know if I was at home I would be cutting or overdosing so I am safer here. I am on 15 minute obs which is helping to keep me safe as well.

I talked to one of the nurses and she was lovely and really listened to me which was reassuring so I have calmed down a bit since this afternoon when I was very upset. It is hard because I don't know why I am upset or what they can do to help me, other than give me time to talk it out.

They are reducing my medication and giving me PRN larozopam and zopliclone. The Dr said he wants to go back to basics with me in terms of assessment which is a positive I guess.

Chocolate - no children, which is probably for the best right now, but we are keen to TTC (which is how I found Mumsnet) so it is difficult not being able to do it (if that makes any sense?) You sound like a lovely lovely mum :) I could nto and would not tell my Mum when I was younger about my eating or head banging because she would dismiss it as dramatic or silly, the fact that you recognise that this is distressing for your daughter is a really important thing

Ok, but that won't be forever, my docs try to give you as much leave as they can. So fingers crossed you will get some, even if it is escorted by staff.

I'm glad the nurse helped you, hopefully she is a regular member of staff, so you have someone you can go to for help. Sometimes my CPN works on the ward which is great for me as I really trust her and she;s lovely, so I can speak to her when she's on.

Ok to preface this - I don't want harsh truths, or reality, or any of that. Just acknowledgement of the crappness. I am obv unwell at the moment, and this is not my first choice of events which have led to the newest trauma so please. Sympathy.

I have an MDT tomorrow and I have a horrid horrid feeling they will section me and put me in PICU.

Let me think of a list of places that I don't want to go to:

1. Hell
2. Benidorm in summer
3. FUCKING PICU

Maybe they won't, yay :) But there were dark mutterings about it today and lots of knowing looks and phrases like 'lets just get through tonight shall we.' Followed by continuous obs for 2 hours. And um, honestly I kind of can't continue this and they don't have the staff to support me and I can't stop. Fucking fucking stupid girl.

Bollocky bollocks. Maybe I am just having a drama day today, I don't know, probably tomorrow in MDT they will say you have made great progress, fluffy, YAY! Only they won't, they will talk to me about my risk and about staying safe and how staff here are struggling to keep me safe :( They won't let me go home I know that. I just want to die. I really do just want to die.

Hi fluffy, how are you now? Have you been admitted to PICU?

Fluffy what is MDT and what is PICU and how are you now x

No to PICU (psychiatric intensive care), still inpatient in normal unit.

Feeling pretty low at the moment so not many words about myself. Went to A&E today because my quest to break my hand continues (unsuccessful so far - utterly frustrating). Only allowed out with staff at the moment. Still informal.

Had some amazing news tonight, so why do I want to die so very much :(

It is not my choice about going to PICU, they discussed it but decided against it.

They are aware (obv) about me harming my hand and as ok as they can be about it, trying to break it is not enough risk of harm to warrant a section and the intensity of PICU. I think they want me to take responsibility for myself but I am just not there yet.

Just taking it an hour at a time I guess. I do feel very very low.

I am soooo tired, not sleeping well (despite sleepers), I fell asleep downstairs at 3am this morning and went up at 4am and then got up at 9am. The days feel so long.

My hand is swollen and sore and I can't grip well so doing things is harder (can type tho!)

I am exhausted. I want to die :(

You want to die because you see no way out or forward right now. Hang in there. Any word on when the therapy starts?

I am seeing him Monday. I am starting the therapy IP I think, still very confused about the plan tbh. Well I mean I know I am having psychotherapy but I am pretty unsafe at the moment and so I am not sure how the two cross over because the therapy is being done by the recovery team which is community based.

Everyone keeps saying I have to look forwards and try but God I am tired.

If looking forward is too hard just hang on and deal with today.

Really low, had a terrible day yesterday. Just really struggling :(

Just read entire thread, I can't even imagine how you feel but hope that you feel just a tiny bit better each day. What was your amazing news?

I am still inpatient and still struggling.

I can't believe it has been 6 weeks :(

My amazing news was some money, my Grandma left me a chunk in her will, very unexpected and a nice present I guess.