Anyone around - being admitted tomorrow.

[fluffydressinggown]

Sorry again for more depressing stuff from me.

My self harm has continued to get worse and I overdosed (as self harm) on Tuesday and I have attended A&E twice this week for cuts which needed internal stitches. I feel compelled to hurt myself as much as I can and unable to stop myself and I know that if I carry on I will cause myself a serious injury or kill myself.

And so tomorrow I am going into hospital, for a short assessment (3 days we think). I am really really worried and scared but I know it is the right decision. I am going in voluntarily so I can leave if I want to. I am utterly utterly exhausted, I am so tired of feeling like hurting myself, I am so tired of feeling compelled to hurt myself. To the point where as I am doing it I don't want to. I am so tired of going to A&E and shocking the nurses with what I have done to myself. I am so very tired of everything.

They think I might have OCD, where the obsession is the damage I can cause to myself and the compulsion is the self harm. I am not triggered by a specific event or feeling, it is just constant intrusive and upsetting thoughts about harming myself in increasingly horrid ways that I feel compelled to act upon.

I am so scared. I wish this wasn't me :(

You sound much calmer now you are being taken seriously.

I also note that you are now more worried about SH rather than looking for opportunities to do it.

I think the ambivalence they talk about may well be in the wanting/not wanting to stop rather than the wanting/not wanting to cut.

I feel twitchy, like, Thursday - Saturday I felt pretty calm and although I had my moments I felt a lot better. Since Sunday I have felt, like I am slipping a bit, more distant from myself, like, I am trying very hard not to think or feel. And the self harm stuff feels more intrusive again, more, there. More likely to happen. Been having thoughts about ligatures which is very silly. Feel like I am starting to build up something but I suspect this is linked to the fact that I know it is nearly time for me to go home (and it really really is). Just. Wish I knew what made me tick. Wish I could stop these urges and thoughts and this funny feeling inside.

I am frustrated with myself, I know I am a lot better than when I was admitted but I suppose I want all this to go away, to not be me and it is :(

Its hard because I seem so 'well' and then my head lets me down and I wonder a lot if I am just making it up, if I feel like this because subconsciously I want to. Like someone who makes up an illness for attention.

Saw the recovery team today (which is the poncey name for the community team that works with people that are not psychotic) and they said they will have me, so that is good! They want me to have 1:1 long term therapy based around DBT but with some bits added and some bits removed. I asked if I had bpd because I know that DBT is often used for bpd and they said def no, just they think I need help to feel emotions (as opposed to feeling too much I guess?). He said when I talked about myself the stuff I described was very distressing but I sounded like I was talking about someone else because I was so calm. Hmm.

I feel twitchy and self harmy which is a worry. And ironically in me, being calm and feeling weird inside can = big self harm. I have told them this. They are also going to see if I can start on a more regular benzo which is not ideal but evenings and nights are difficult for me so they think a low dose, less addictive one for a month or so and then tapered off is better than the lorzepam prn I have at the moment. I do feel like they listen to me here and see beyond me looking ok and realise that I do do some pretty shitty things to myself which means I am not ok.

I have a big meeting on Monday with:

• my keyworker from the unit
• psychiatrist
• my IAPT therapist
• the recovery team
• DH
• the crisis team

Will be like a big mental health party. I think the plan is to discuss a way forward for me while managing the risk I still pose to myself.

I'm so glad they are offering you long term therapy.

Oh and not feeling emotions is a classic 'reason' to sh, so making you a bit less unusual (I know that bothers you)

Yes, I def think the self harm is a huge huge distraction and also a bit of a sign to me that I feel bad because I am so switched off.

I had overnight leave last night and I am a bit frustrated.

I so desperately don't want to feel like this but I do, and I want to go home and be fine and not think about self harm. But instead I rooted through things to find a razor blade for when I am discharged (didn't SI, so that's a plus I guess) and had increased intrusive thoughts about SI and felt pretty wibbley wobbley. And that makes me feel like a fucking failure. So frustrating.

I have felt more iffy this past week or so and I am so fed up, I want to feel better and I know it is probably going to be a long way to get better but you know, I just don't want this. I don't want upsetting intrusive thoughts, I don't want to feel compelled to SI.

I feel so stuck, I am safe in hospital but I still feel weird and so maybe hospital can't help me so I should go home but then at home it is so so difficult but then I can't stay here forever and at some point I have to go home and face it and I wish I could just be better. I mean, I am better for being here, I am calmer, I have a bit more insight, I am starting to tell people when I feel shitty, but. I don't know, I feel like prior to admission I had stopped trying but now I am here and calmer I am trying but I still feel really really bad and that's just not fair/ Before I came in I thought maybe I felt so bad because I wanted to feel bad, because I couldn't be bothered to try any more. And now I am here I suppose I realise that that's not true. But that makes it so much worse.

Why do I want to be so unutterably vile to myself? Why is it not enough? I wish I knew what was motivating this, but I really don't.

You are asking all the important questions that in due course need to be answered in therapy.

And as for still looking for razors, hun if it was so easy to stop all this you would not need a psychiatric team, you would just do it.

You are making huge strides from when I first read/posted on your thread.

Try to hang in there.

I've not posted on this thread so far, but I've been reading and am glad you're a little bit feeling better.

From my experience, leaving hospital has resulted in things getting temporarily worse whilst i adjust. It's a big jump going from being secure in hospital to having to take greater responsibility for your own safety. Just because you felt safe in hospital doesn't mean to say that it's all gone away. Perhaps being aware that it's a transition might help.

dontrunwithscissors and madmouse - thank you for your replies :)

I am worrying about the meeting tomorrow, we shall see, feels like it will be a big meeting (if that makes sense). I am a worrier anyway.

I had a big cry with a nurse this morning, I feel like such a huge failure for not being able to get better. Like I am just not trying hard enough. I am getting better at looking for support when I feel rubbish and the support in hospital is better - less suggestions of having a cup of tea to distract myself.

I know that I need to go home but I can't shake the feeling / urge / thoughts (call it what you will) that I need to do something decent and then I won't feel like this any more. I wish that wasn't in my head. I wish I wasn't me feeling like this. I am struggling more with intrusive thoughts and feeling unsafe and it is exhausting.

I feel really resigned. Like if I see out the therapy I will be OK but I think in reality I will do something before then. I want this not to be happening but seeing the crisis team didn't help, and being in hospital hasn't stopped it all, and I have wasted so much time and money from everyone helping me :( What a waste.

You haven't wasted any money!! Or time! You are worth all the time and money it takes to get better!

And yes, you will probably SH again before you start therapy, and before you finish therapy. You need to fight hard to keep yourself as safe as possible while treatment kicks in. You can do it x

Yes I know I will, so what was the point of me being in hospital :(

I am worried/scared (and planning to) I will do something they can't fix. And that is scary but then the other part of me is totally calm and ok with that.

The point of you being in hospital is not to stop you SH ever again, it's to have the time and space to figure out what exactly is going on and to plan treatment.

Another shitty discharge meeting.

Apparently now my working diagnosis is BPD because I self harm but don't have depression, so frustrating.

They want to discharge me on Monday which is fine BUT that will be the first day I meet my new CPN and at some point in the week after that I will meet them again. I requested support from the Home Intervention Team for the first week after I am discharged and they said that wasn't necessary BUT to ring them if I SI/feel like SI - um I know I will so why not plan for the support?

My husband said he was worried and then they just started to talk about me if I wasn't there 'fluffy needs to take responsibility, she could self harm any time in hospital and she hasn't so she doesn't have to at home' it was horrid.

My IAPT therapist was there and was AMAZING, he totally backed me up and supported me and agreed that it was unhelpful to meet the person who was supposed to support me for the very first time on the day I was discharged. He is going to speak to some people and see if he can help me get a more comprehensive support package for my initial discharge.

The Dr kept saying I needed the community team to support me in the long term and I need therapy but I am not disputing that, I am saying I think I need some intensive support on discharge because I am planning a cut that will kill me but nobody seems interested. Frustrating.

I feel like the Dr thinks I am stupid, he was explaining stuff that I understand, I am an educated woman, I understand how to research things and how to sift through and evaluate information. I have worked in the NHS and I am a qualified teacher. He was just not listening to my concerns because he thought I didn't understand what a community team was. I do.

So there we are. I feel really really suicidal because I can't manage this.

I got a visit from the psychologist from the community team on Tuesday was because my keyworker from IAPT had rang him about me because he was so worried about me. He then rang the unit I am in and is going in tomorrow to see my key worker. They are also now planning to involve the crisis team with my discharge so that's good I guess. I am frightened of what the next few weeks will hold.

Had a weird appointment with IAPT today, he said it sounded like I was trying to talk myself into things. Like I was saying maybe my SI is not really that bad and I am being dramatic and he was like, um, Fluffy it is bad. And I say how do you know? And he said they had checked with A&E. So that's that I guess. And I wondered if maybe I am making things up, maybe I am just faking all this for attention or something and he was like, um no. And I suppose I want a quick fix, I suppose I want it to be something I can change easily and, it isn't is it? And this might be something I work on for a good few years and that is difficult to live with. And I don't know if I can do this.

It was my last therapy session with him today and at the end of my appointment I gave him a card to say thank you, and he was v.appreciative. And then he said I usually give a card when I have finished seeing people but even though our therapy has finished, we have not finished because I will be working to make sure you get the help you deserve. Sob!

And then I came home and cut myself because I am a massive huge fucking stupid twat.

you are not a massive huge whatever you called yourself. Stop that nonsense.

You cut yourself because you had a very emotional session and you don't have the emotional literacy to deal with it. Roll on DBT.

You are just so sensible.

Sorry that sounded flippant.

I just meant, you make it seem so sensible and rational and it isn't for me.

He asked me about staying safe and I told him I wouldn't and he said he had to tell the Unit (I am on leave until tomorrow evening) and I felt so sad, so frustrated that this is me. And I know I have to be the change but I don't know how to be.

It's painfully hard earned wisdom

it's not a matter of you having to change now all by yourself. Throw your weight into the therapy when it starts and you will start to change.

I think I am just frightened. Frightened of feeling like this. Frightened about my self harm. Frightened of being discharged because I feel calm and safe in the hospital and there are people there to talk to and support me. I am just scared and all my confidence is gone. I know I can't stay in hospital but I suppose I wish I could be safe in my own home :(

I am being discharged tomorrow I think, I have a review meeting at 2pm.

I am really struggling with thoughts about breaking my arm/wrist/fingers or cutting my finger off (weird). I have told them about this, it is difficult to function because it feels very overwelhming and all-encompassing. I feel very distracted and unfocused. I am a bit frustrated. The doors here are heavy and when I stick my hand in between the hinge it hurts which does the job for now I guess.

I am also worrying about tomorrow (which may well be why the above is happening), DH will be there and I find it hard because I naturally want to shield him from things and some things are just so personal and so weird and he is lovely but he doesn't understand. I don't really want him there but that's not my choice and he will be upset if I say I don't want him there so there we go.

Part of me is very much over being in hospital, I am a bit fed up of the inconsistency, I have had my foundation in my room for 2 weeks (and they checked my bag with it in when I brought it in), tonight I bring a new bottle back from home and they take that and then search through my make-up in my room to find other glass bottles. Just frustrating. They have taken my mini hair brush with a mirror in it as well even though I have had it since I was admitted! Grr.

And they keep saying do the DBT, work with the community team, and I am and I will. I feel like they think because I feel very dodgy now and am asking for help I don't want the long term support I am being offered and that is just not true.

I slept a lot of today because sleeping = not being awake and upset but it is not the best solution.

Anyway sorry so long.

I have been discharged. They have upped my (useless) trazodone to 100mg and given me a short course of prn lorazepam.

I am seeing my new care co-ordinator tomorrow at my house at 12.

Tried to break my hand last night, fed up with myself at the moment tbh.

After one full day at home I have been assessed by the community and crisis team to not be safe to be at home.

I am pretty fed up tbh, the staff at the hospital have not done their job properly, I was discharged without a risk or relapse plan, without planned support from the crisis team (crisis support was initiated by my community key worker after I told her yesterday about my current SI plan). During my time in hospital I had no care plans at all.

The community team are pretty annoyed at the hospital because they have just not listened to me, or really properly assessed my risk. So I am going back to keep me safe because they are basically worried I am going to kill myself with the level of my self harm.

I feel like the community team and the crisis team have listened to me and are as frustrated as me about the care I have been given. They are going to start the psychotherapy I need in the hospital and the community team will stay involved to plan a safer, more appropriate discharge.

They are also going to try and sort out my medication to help me manage my anxiety.

DH is relived that I am going back and writing his complaint about things as we speak

Oh fluffy, you must be feeling so worn out.

I'm glad your community team and the.crisis team are listening to you, let's hope they work as advocates to the ward.