Anyone around - being admitted tomorrow.

[fluffydressinggown]

Sorry again for more depressing stuff from me.

My self harm has continued to get worse and I overdosed (as self harm) on Tuesday and I have attended A&E twice this week for cuts which needed internal stitches. I feel compelled to hurt myself as much as I can and unable to stop myself and I know that if I carry on I will cause myself a serious injury or kill myself.

And so tomorrow I am going into hospital, for a short assessment (3 days we think). I am really really worried and scared but I know it is the right decision. I am going in voluntarily so I can leave if I want to. I am utterly utterly exhausted, I am so tired of feeling like hurting myself, I am so tired of feeling compelled to hurt myself. To the point where as I am doing it I don't want to. I am so tired of going to A&E and shocking the nurses with what I have done to myself. I am so very tired of everything.

They think I might have OCD, where the obsession is the damage I can cause to myself and the compulsion is the self harm. I am not triggered by a specific event or feeling, it is just constant intrusive and upsetting thoughts about harming myself in increasingly horrid ways that I feel compelled to act upon.

I am so scared. I wish this wasn't me :(

Hi fluffy just wanted to add to your post. I am thinking of you, and know how hard it is to be where you are right now. When I got admitted I instantly felt sick and like I wanted to be home. But the truth was I was too ill to be at home, and I think you realise that you are too. Being in hospital sucks, but at least you can't cut yourself or worse there. The first few days are horrific, I only survived because they plied me with lorazepam to zonk me out. It will get better though, you will get used to it.

Please force some food down because not eating will only make you feel worse. I couldn't stomach the hospital food so my DH brought me in cereal bars and that kind of thing and I forced myself to eat them to keep a bit of strength up.

I know this is a really hard time for you but please believe that you will come through it. You've said before that you have a lovely husband and a good life. Once you are over this illness you will be able to appreciate those things again and get on with your life. For now, you just have to keep yourself safe and concentrate on getting through hour by hour, day by day.

Thanks for the kind replies, I sounded a bit deranged yesterday. My husband has bought me a dongle so I have the internet on my laptop now which has made things a bit more bearable. My phone is awful to type on and I couldn't be bothered to keep going back to edit my posts.

I am ok, I have felt more settled today (I think I would do well in an institution because I like routine!) I have watched some DVDs on my laptop and I have read some magazines. Most of the other patients are men and have drug and alcohol problems so I am a bit scared of them so I stay in my room which locks so I feel safer in here. I have got my make up on and the watched me use my hairdryer and GHD so I feel like I look 'nice' which matters to me a lot.

My lovely friend dropped off some chocolate and magazines for me as well which was very thoughtful. I have still not eaten and I would like to but at the moment I can't really let myself. I never thought the day would come when I had a huge packet of Malteasers to myself and I ignored them.

I have spoken to a nurse today properly and I have a meeting about me tomorrow, I think I will be in for longer because I still want to hurt myself and will if I go home. It is hard to be honest with them because I want to go home but I know if I go home and continue I will be sectioned so I may as well stay here now by choice (if that makes sense!) I think they are starting to understand how compelled I feel about it and that is not about choices or triggers or emotional release for me. Its about the compulsion to damage myself. I am getting sick of people looking horrified when I describe the way I self harm though :( Very demoralising.

My Nana died yesterday which has made everything a bit more difficult.

GetDownYouWillFall - they have prescribed me lorazepam as well if I want it, I am a bit worried though, does it knock you out, I don't think I would like that.

Sorry about your nana

I'm glad you're feeling a bit more settled. Take the lorazepam if you feel you need it. They will probably only give you 0.5mg or 1mg at a time, which is a small dose. It helps you just feel a bit warm and fuzzy and calm. It is not like a sleeping tablet.

I feel for you, I was only on a MABU so it was all mums. I can imagine it must be scary with men around, and their unpredictable behaviour with their drug and alcohol issues. At least you have your own room. Some places are just like regular wards with curtains round the beds. A friend of mine said she got her stuff nicked in a place like that and it sounded horrible.

You've got to force yourself to think of the positives in your situation. Have you got a notebook and pen? I forced myself to write down positives every day, even if I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel, I would always try and write something even if it was just one thing. For today, maybe you could write down that your friend came, or that your hair looks nice.

Take care of yourself, you are safe, you will get through this.

Oh no what awful timing to lose your Nana

Don't let the reactions demoralise you. It's not disgust with what you do but concern for your safety and welfare.

Oh and I'm so glad they let you do your hair properly under supervision rather than just take the tools away - it makes all the difference

See I don't mind being zonked out to sleep but the idea of warm and fuzzy freaks me out a bit.

It is pretty nice in terms of surroundings, my room is really secure, it looks behind me and if I am in it with the door shut it is locked. I have my own sink and the bathroom is opposite my room. The men don't shout or anything but they are a bit overly friendly and I just feel a bit uneasy, they were discussing how to bring drugs into the hospital today and that freaked me out a bit. They have said I can eat in my room but I can't bring myself to.

I feel very disconnected from my self harm, like my brain is in two parts. One part is all about the self harm and the other part is normal me who can see the positive and enjoy them. I just wish the self harm bit would shut up.

LOCKS behind me, not looks!!

I am worried they won't ever let me out though because I know when I leave the cut I need to do and I can't see that changing :(

I know they are worried Madmouse but it gets old when you horrify A&E, the crisis team, the inpatient assessment unit - all the people I expect to have seen far worse :( It is hard because what I do is enough enough, to me it is the same as superficial scratches in terms of severity, I feel like I am faking and dramatising the way I cut and to that end they should stop being so dramatic about everything and let me do it. And then my sensible head points out that they don't admit people for self harm unless and it really bad, and they are shocked because it is really bad :(

fluffy, i just wanted to add my support, i used to self harm, but not the extent you do, there was never a reason why i did it .

What strikes me is this - you have people who love you, your DH and your lovely friend who bought you the chocolates and magazines. Proof then, if you need it, that you are a nice and loved person.

Stick with the assesment and see what plan they have at the end of it - you know this has to stop, and you CAN make it stop with the right support.

Thinking of you xxxx

I think the illness manifests in different ways, and in your case it is the self harm. Once the illness is treated and starts to get better the part of you "about the self harm" will diminish and the "normal you" will take over again. The fact you can recognise the two as distinct is very positive, I think.

The lorazepam is ok, really. And I am someone who does generally get freaked out by drugs. I would take it if I were you, just for a day or two whilst you get settled.

I had a bad night last night and I told the nurse but she said I was settled and reading and sent me back to bed where I scratched my arm and now I have a lovely little hole where I jabbed my earring and a red patch. I am nto convinced about their obs because I just lay with my back to the door and did it even as they looked in. I am a bit like a duck I think, I look fine on the surface but underneath I am struggling to keep up. Today I feel really urgh about everything, my head is just full of crap and I feel shakey and horrid. I keep thinking about cutting my wrists over and over and over and it is hard to focus. I slept really badly and kept waking up thinking about it :(

I have managed to shave my legs, and have my shower do my hair so that is good because I would not cope if I couldn't look right. I feel really shallow and fake saying that but it really really matters to me. I have impressed them with my 5 minute hairstyling (I have very straight hair and a bob so it dries quickly and takes no time to GHD into shape). I feel like if you are unwell mentally you should stop caring what you look like but that is not true for me at all. I am more concerned not less. This is a control thing I think.

I am seeing a psychologist today apparently and I have a meeting at 3.30pm. DH can't come and I am worried they will think I am unsupported by him. Thats not true, but the reality is that my DH is the only one earning and he has a senior role that requires him to be in work at the moment. I know that sounds trite but it really is true. He is delivering a huge training package today and people are travelling for it and he can't cancel with less than 24 hours notice because you know, he lives in the real world and not the hospital world where nobody appears to work!

Hope your meetings went/go well today. Please try to tell them how you are hurting yourself. They do need to know.

All the best.

I had my meeting, I am going to have to stay in for a while yet :( I am going to be transferred to a longer term unit because this is the assessment unit. They said they I would still have my own room and I can still use my laptop and stuff.

But on the plus side I can start to go out with my friends and my husband :) They said I can go whenever I want (within reason!!). So that is a massive massive relief, I feel like a huge wait has been lifted because I don't feel so trapped.

I am a bit scared that they think I am unwell enough to need to stay into hospital, I suppose I thought they would say I was fine and it had all been a mistake :( But it isn't :(

Fluffy, you know, this is good news - you have said upthread that you felt a fraud, you are not, no one here thouht that and im sure the medics didn't, its just a way of seeing how they can help you. Brilliant that you can keep your lap top and go out with your DH and friends. Im so glad you are feeling a bit more happy today, of course it is scary, challenges are scary but so worth it xxx keep well

Fluffy, I can't say I understand, because I don't. It seems such an awful, pointless, painful thing to do to yourself. But I wish you all the best; please take all the help that is offered to you, stay positive, and I really hope you recover soon.

I just feel scared that this is endless.

I know that if I am home alone I will hurt myself again, I know it is not sustainable and I know that I am exhausted by it. But it is still really scary. I just don't want this to be me :( I don't want to be unwell you know?

And I HATE the restrictions, I hate the fact I can't have my GHDs in my room. I hate having to ask someone for anything that I want. I hate that I want to break my arms I hate that I want to cut my leg to the bone I hate that I have cut myself in here with a razor blade they don't know about. I hate that I have these thoughts in my head all the time :(

Thank you by the way for te really kind replies on here, I know I must sound out of my head :(

Pointless and painful sums it up. I hate doing it, I hate having sore legs, I hate the scars but somehow I need even more :(

I have been out a few times now, we went to the pub with friends and I have been shopping with a friend this morning :)

I feel weird, like i am building up to something big, I feel all anxious and knotty inside but it is hard to explain and I worry they think I am being dramatic. I am scared they will stop me from going out.

I have found it harder than I thought to be be out, I don't think I realised that being in hospital did make me feel safer but i am worried if I go out too much they will tell me off and then I won't have a bed and then I will have to kill myself :( This is weird I know, I am worried I will kill myself although I don't have the means really and if I am out it is on the understanding that I am not allowed to be alone for any length of time (apart from to go to the loo!) I am scared about what I am building up to when I am discharged.

I am going home tonight for tea which will be nice because I have missed watching TV in my living room!

I suppose I feel like a fake because I can go out and because I can see friends and I am functioing pretty well - I am dressed nicely and doing my hair and my room is tidy etc.

I did my hair this morning and they left me alone with my GHDs but I have had to ask them not to do that because I don't want to burn myself with them but I have to :(

I just feel really twitchy :( I feel like such a failure for not being able to cope.

I hope nobody minds me ranting on here, just nice to have an anonymous outlet.

You remind me of myself when I started to remember child abuse. I convinced myself that it was all in my mind and not true and that the PTSD symptoms I had were really not that bad. The whole world had accepted the truth of what was going on with me before I did. My friends were so relieved when I started to face up to things.

Fluffy you make deep cuts in yourself and if deprived of the opportunity you pour hot water over yourself. Ergo you are ill. They would not have bothered admitting you if they thought you were dramatic, they would have put you on a waiting list for CBT to be seen in 6 months.

You have a serious problem and they are trying to figure out the best way to help you. Help them by being open and not being ashamed x

I know I know. I know if I was at home I would hurt myself, but it just feels so. I suppose wrong that I can now come and go, I mean it is LOVELY to walk out and have a mosey round the shops and a coffee (I can eat away from here!!) just feels like I am using this place like a hostel or something. Like I am worried they will tell DH to take time off work and look after me instead of me being here. But if he is off I will just do it in the night when he is asleep or kill myself to get it all out of my head. I suppose I feel like why can't I just manage this at home with DH supervising me even though I know I am determined and destructive. I feel so torn by it all.

fluffy I am so glad you got out for a bit today That is really positive that you felt able to go to the shops. Don't feel guilty about doing "normal" things, you need to do everything you can that is good for YOU and that helps you. There are no prizes for martyring yourself by staying in and feeling miserable all the time. If they are letting you out, grab the opportunity for a bit of normality. When I was in, all I got was an escorted walk around the grey concrete hospital grounds

How are you doing this evening? What meds have they got you on?

I went home this evening as well. had a good cry about things with one of the nurses this afternoon, felt scared that because I could go home they would discharge me and scaredabout everything I guess. Still feel really down and tearful tonight.

One of thr male healthcare assistants who searched my bag when I came back was asking me all these questions but I felt really uncomfortable because we were alone in my room and I didn't want to talk to him. He is a nice guy just felt uncomfortable.

There are no other women here now so I feel a.bit.weird about that.

I don't know why I feel so upset today. I have enjoyed feeling normal and going out just feel really stressed. X

fluffy - what sort of treatment have you had until now?

In the past two times doing transactional analysis with a self harm nurse specialist for about 6 months each time.

Then I have had transactional analysis lite from cbt since december from iapt. I have also been supported by nurses from the crisis team at home for 3 weeks prior to admission.

I was on citalopram 20mg but that was stopped because it did nothing for me. Been on trazodone since the crisis team first saw me but didnt always take it.

Not sure what the treatment plan is now.
Some sort of community based cbt and a cpn I think.

This is so long! Sorry.

I started speaking to one of the nurses but she had to go and do obs but she said she would come back but she hasn't. Hmm.

fluffy I can't pretend that I understand the need to self harm. I don't. But I know an awful lot about intrusive thoughts that won't give a nanoseconds peace when you're awake. You CAN escape the thoughts, but I think it will take more than 20mg of Citalopram to do it. For me it was a heavy duty course of ECT, but in the 30 years since then I'm sure that there are many more sophisticated drugs available than there were then.

Stay strong. You're not alone in this.