Anyone around - being admitted tomorrow.

[fluffydressinggown]

Sorry again for more depressing stuff from me.

My self harm has continued to get worse and I overdosed (as self harm) on Tuesday and I have attended A&E twice this week for cuts which needed internal stitches. I feel compelled to hurt myself as much as I can and unable to stop myself and I know that if I carry on I will cause myself a serious injury or kill myself.

And so tomorrow I am going into hospital, for a short assessment (3 days we think). I am really really worried and scared but I know it is the right decision. I am going in voluntarily so I can leave if I want to. I am utterly utterly exhausted, I am so tired of feeling like hurting myself, I am so tired of feeling compelled to hurt myself. To the point where as I am doing it I don't want to. I am so tired of going to A&E and shocking the nurses with what I have done to myself. I am so very tired of everything.

They think I might have OCD, where the obsession is the damage I can cause to myself and the compulsion is the self harm. I am not triggered by a specific event or feeling, it is just constant intrusive and upsetting thoughts about harming myself in increasingly horrid ways that I feel compelled to act upon.

I am so scared. I wish this wasn't me :(

I have been on my unit for 8/9 weeks now, this is my first week leave at home. You CAN get better, you just need the right tools, for me it is lithium. I tried other meds which didn't work/made me worse. But lithium is a wonder drug for me. It could be that there is a med out there which (combined with therapy perhaps) will help you.

Can you plan something nice to do with the money, a treat for yourself/something to look forward to?

It has been a very very difficult two weeks in hospital. I have been banging my head and trapping my hand in heavy fire doors which has resulted in a very bad headache and a very sore hand. I can type but my hand is very very swollen so I can't write or do any sort of fine work like cross stitch or art.

Had a meeting today and I am here for another four weeks

I am so so frustrated, they keep saying they are getting it wrong but then they get it wrong again and that is not my fault. They are trying but time and time again they miss what I am about. So I am sitting down with the manager tomorrow to try to sort something out again.

I am so beyond tired, I have not been sleeping and everything is so so hard, I just feel utterly uterly stuck.

I am having specialist psychotherapy and that will help, but my God, this is just so so hard

I don't know what I want really but prayers and thoughts would be appreciated.

And I tell you what, mental health is so beyond all bounds of reason. And when you go to bed tonight just tell yourself 'there but for the grace of God go I' because if I could stop feeling like this, if I could stop feeling so utterly bereft I would. I am traumatised by how incredibly incredibly awful I feel.

They don't think it is chemical so drugs like lithium and other medications won't work, which is just so hard. It is hard that this is me.

sending you a big hug fluffy (unless that makes you uncomfortable). It's going to sound weird but from where I'm standing you have made progress. You are now fully focused on getting better. When you first started posting you were rather ambivalent about wanting to stop SH or not.

You say 'It is hard that this is me'. And I understand what you are saying, but there is much more to you than the part of you that bangs heads. You are still the loving, warm, compassionate, funny (insert whatever good friends would say about you) person that you always were. When my PTSD was really bad I also felt it was me, it was all there was of me. It's not true.

Keep at it with the therapy. It will be hard, but it will help you for the rest of your life.

Thanks Madmouse :)

I am sick of myself today, I am trying to do things differently tonight but I know that tomorrow I will have to shut that door on my hand and it is just so very hard. How can I do something again and again that I am so terrified of :(

I have been prescribed mirtazipine today to help with anxiety and sleep so we will see how that goes.

Having an ok day, I feel ok and then suddenly from nowhere I am overwelhmed with saddness and worry. I am cross with myself for letting them help me to stop SIing, feel like a failure for that. There is a new patient that is quite pushy about asking for cigs as well which is difficult.

Do you think this could be progress - at least now you are filled with dread/sadness at the thought of your SH, rather than the buzz you used to get?

Can you mention the other patient to staff?

I hope the mirtazapine helps you.

I never got a buzz :( I have always felt pretty scared about my self harm when it is bad, so for me nothing has changed in terms of the process. Still lots of planning and lots of distress around it, but hopefully will get support to manage not doing it.

Stressful day. One of the fucking patients came into my fucking room and took my eye shadow (Dior, Clinique), my watch, my face wash, my hair brush. Yes I should have locked my room but she shouldn't have fucking taken my fucking stuff :(

I got it back but my stuff has been touched so I can't use it now :( Like as in fingers put into it.

And I had a fucking difficult psychotherapy session, fucking fucking pissed off and upset and frustrated and lots of other cross words.

Sorry you're struggling, fluffy. I know I don't post, but I have been thinking of you.

Psychotherapy is hard. Keep at it. It is worth it xx

I have not posted for this in ages, I am still here, 2.5 weeks until discharge. I don't know I still feel very self harmy (wanting to bleed at the moment). Psychotherapy is going...I don't know if well is the right word but I see him twice a week. So.

I am fed up I think, fed up of not doing enough. Fed up of feeling like this.

I am still quite suicidal I think, it is hard to know, I know I want to cut through arteries and veins and bones and given the chance i would have a good go, so I don't know.

Hey Fluffy, I haven't posted before, but I didn't want to let your post go un-replied-to. I have spent the evening reading the whole thread and I think you are making slow progress.

Don't beat yourself up though for not doing enough. There isn't a quick fix for an illness as serious as yours, so please don't expect yourself to be able to snap out of it. Focus on the little steps forward instead. Are you still sticking your hands in the door? If not, that is a little step forward.

Do you have new make-up now and are you still making an effort to look good? Remember that made you feel good about yourself when you were first admitted?

Thinking of you. Hang on in there.

Thanks for your reply.

I do still hurt my hand yes, I have a care plan in place to reduce some of the harm in the evening so I am doing less damage. I tend to bang my head on the wall outside now.

I hurt my foot again today. I am just so so so fed up with myself, with everything.

I did get new make up and I still take care of myself and you are right, that is somehting to be positive about :)

A brainwave, Fluffy. Have you asked yourself what would happen if you didn't put your hand between the door or bang your head against the wall? Would the sky fall in? Would your heart stop beating? Would your husband stop loving you? Would you not get attention from the staff? Or would you scream?

Perhaps if you could ask yourself this question just before you selfharm, "what would happen if I did not do this now?" and answer honestly. As a way of trying to introduce rationality and choice to your actions. Or as a way of finding out why you are doing it in the first place, perhaps.

I think it is very likely that nothing bad is going to happen if you didn't do it, this one time. And then the next time again.

What would happen if I didn't do this now?

Goodluck, fluffy. You will get better, trust in it!

I am sure I replied to this.

I have asked myself that, everyone has asked myself that. But I feel compelled to self harm, despite the damage it does to me. I know that it is the right thing to do, despite feeling scared and not wanting to do it. It is very very difficult and I feel utterly trapped in my own head.

Sometimes I don't SI when planned but in the end, I always do because to not do, is unbareable.

That sounds so negative :(

I think we did talk about this before - the similarities with an eating disorder in that there is one person who knows it's not a good idea and another person who still does it.

Yes madmouse - that is it. I know it is a very very silly/unsafe/stupid idea to continue to hurt myself and it causes me great distress that I do. But I still do.

So sometimes you plan to SI but you don't! That is good!

Build on those occasions that you don't do it, and don't beat yourself up if you do. Take every time you feel an urge as one incident. Don't think about what you did yesterday or what you may do tomorrow. If you can resist the urge NOW, then you're going forwards!

If NOW you can't resist it, don't think that later you can't either. After all you may! Just work on the NOW and try not to do it NOW. Even delaying may help, because if you can keep on delaying, after a while you will have been without SI for a while, perhaps longer than you thought you would.

Are there rewards you could give to yourself for not self harming? Preferably something that occupies you for a while, like going shopping. To help make not injuring yourself a more positive experience, and not just a struggle filled with the thoughts of when you did or will do it again?

I have not done the proper cut I have planned in nearly 8 weeks because I have been in hospital, I still know i need to do it. Very frustrating.

And I can put it off but it is inevitable, I have never not done a plan. It almost goes beyond me, regardless of what the sensible / sane bit of me wants the self harm will happen.

It is hard for me to do things like shopping because I am inpatient and relying on people to take me out and bring me back. I have a whole host of new clothes from shopping trips with my Mum, a new kindle, billions of magazines, new makeup (;)), new hair, nice nails - all of the things people do to treat themselves. But now I just look nicer when I self harm because the thing that self harm is tyring to fix isn't about things or people it is about me.

I sound so negative but my I am very very obsessive/complusive about my self harm and so far traditional harm - reduction strategies (delaying, distraction, alternatives) have not worked, which is how I have ended up here for so long. I don't feel urges as such, well I do, but it is all the time, sometimes I act on them, sometimes I wait until later to act on them. I have consant intrusive and upsetting thoughts about self injury.

I feel really trapped in my own head, in this cycle of knowing what I have to do and being terrified of it. It is utterly exhausting. I am upset today I think. And frustrated with myself.

Well done for not having done a proper cut. And well done for putting it off regularly. It doesn't matter if you've never not done a plan, what matters is that you don't carry out a plan NOW.

And pat yourself on the back for that, rather than hating yourself for having constant intrusive thoughts. After all, you have managed not to cut yourself, DESPITE the intrusive thoughts, so there is strength in your sane self!

You are so nice, the only reason I have not done my proper cut is because i have been inpatient since April, there is no great achievement there.

I had weird therapy today but just had a nice chat to one of the lovely nurses, I don't know if i feel better, but it is nice to speak to someone who understands, reassured maybe?

Spoke to my community care officer today who thinks I need to be sectioned and in PICU, only the consultant psychiatrist still thinks I am ok to be discharged in two weeks. Contrast. The issue is whether I have capacity about my SI and I don't know if I do, I feel compelled to do it, because I am looking for it to fix something it won't and can't fix but at the moment I don't even know what I want to fix.

I have burned my arm quite badly over the past few days so now I am dealing with the stress of that, I have a quite spectacular blister on my arm and it looks ugh, I hope it doesn't get infected.

I was threatened with the police this week if I continue to bring things on to the unit to hurt myself with (which is not unreasonable of them but still, hard to hear :().

I feel so trapped by this self harm, so trapped in myself. I really really didn't want to burn my arm again last night and yet I sat and did it in silence in the lounge when there were members of staff there that I like and I can talk to. But only when it was done could I talk. I feel so so trapped by my own mind, why can't I just let this go :(

I wanted to post about stuff because I am alone in room and stressing.

I am being dishcharged on Tuesday, the community team are very concerned and so on Monday a social worker who is an AMP is going to visit me to see if I need assessment under the mental health act. My care officer today said they would probably ask for a formal assessment under the mental health act prior to discharge because of their worry about risk.

I don't know, everything is so muddled up. I feel sick at the moment, sick at the thought of what my head is telling me to do.

I have large blisters on my wrists from burning myself and burst blood vessles on my face from ligature stuff. I am such a huge fucking mess.

And you know, in a way, I find the knowledge that I am going home a bit of a relief. I know what I need to do. I have known for a very long time now and I know more than ever that this is the right thing. I feel sick and scared and worried but increasingly it is clear that really I need to die and the way to do that will be my self harm or my self harm escalating to a point where I feel unable to manage it and I have to do something else. Oddly I am calmer today than in recent days, probably because i have realised that the battle is not going to be won. A lengthy hospital admission with twice weekly psychotherapy and lots of support has not stopped me feeling these urges/feeling controlled by my head. The community team (who are amazing) are saying they don't feel they can manage my risk. The psychiatrist who is managing my care is so blinded by the BPD guidelines that he will not see me, and just sees a BPD person. I just feel like all the signs are pointing to me needing to do enough, needing to make it enough.

Oh and despite the threat of the police I bought a razor blade in and cut my foot in the place I knew I would.

I read what I write and when I separate myself from it, it sounds, frankly a bit unwell. But here and in the moment, I just, know.