Anyone around - being admitted tomorrow.

[fluffydressinggown]

Sorry again for more depressing stuff from me.

My self harm has continued to get worse and I overdosed (as self harm) on Tuesday and I have attended A&E twice this week for cuts which needed internal stitches. I feel compelled to hurt myself as much as I can and unable to stop myself and I know that if I carry on I will cause myself a serious injury or kill myself.

And so tomorrow I am going into hospital, for a short assessment (3 days we think). I am really really worried and scared but I know it is the right decision. I am going in voluntarily so I can leave if I want to. I am utterly utterly exhausted, I am so tired of feeling like hurting myself, I am so tired of feeling compelled to hurt myself. To the point where as I am doing it I don't want to. I am so tired of going to A&E and shocking the nurses with what I have done to myself. I am so very tired of everything.

They think I might have OCD, where the obsession is the damage I can cause to myself and the compulsion is the self harm. I am not triggered by a specific event or feeling, it is just constant intrusive and upsetting thoughts about harming myself in increasingly horrid ways that I feel compelled to act upon.

I am so scared. I wish this wasn't me :(

Thanks :)

I have been out for lunch today and went home this evening. I still feel 'off' thinking a lot about cutting my wrists on Sunday night at the hospital. I don't know. It all feels something of a mess.

I had a chat with a nurse today about some rather strange thoughts I have been having. I feel like I am here just to put it all off so I can do something big when I get out.

She said I need to think about what I want but I don't know what I want other than to do a decent cut.

Do you want the intrusive thoughts to stop so that you can get back to being "you"? Do you mind if I ask how long you have been ill for?

I am at home overnight tonight because my parents are here to visit, finding it much harder than I thought, feel really twitchy :( Will be ok tonight because I don't want to spoil things.

Planning for Monday, I feel like I am so overdue something decent. Hard to focus on anything else.

Try not to think of it as 'being due something decent'. Start by calling a spade a spade. You want to do some dangerous self harm because the pressure has been building why you were in hospital. Whereas it is not your fault or something to be ashamed, labelling it as a treat doesn't help.

You are right. I want to cut myself deeply so it bleeds and bleeds and hurts, I need to do enough.

Hard to find the right place and time in the hospital. Hmm.

what would happen if you didn't do it?

Nothing. The world wont explode and I won't die. But ill do it all the same. I have to. The panic and agitation and endless ontrusive images are what let me know I have to do it.

Nothing. The world wont explode and I won't die. But ill do it all the same. I have to. The panic and agitation and endless ontrusive images are what let me know I have to do it.

Nothing. The world wont explode and I won't die. But ill do it all the same. I have to. The panic and agitation and endless intrusive images are what let me know I have to do it.

Sorry my phone had a paddy!

They don't let you know anything, certainly not that you have to hurt yourself.

I'm not at all saying that you can just choose not to do it and it will be easy, I'm not that naive and have issues of my own.

But I am saying that this is an illness talking and that it is time that you fully open up to the professionals trying to work out how to help you rather than duck, hide and do it anyway like the naughty child you are not.

I am open and honest about it. I have tild them that I feel like I am building up that I have a plan for Monday. They don't get it they talk about choices and appreciating my husband all of which are not really things which stop me. I dont know what can.

To an extend it is about choices. Until you make the choice that you really want to stop this nothing can change. You seem very ambiguous about it at the moment. You don't really seem to want to stop.

Well I dont feel I am done yet, but the sensible part of me is exhausted by ut all. I dont know. I am in hospital because I am.unable to stay safe at home because I dont think I am ready to stop

I have talked and talked and come to the conclusion that actually they don't give a flying fuck which all leads me to believe that I am here to build up to something.

I have told them how I feel, I have told them again and again and all I get is the same old shit about making choices and thinking about my husband and I really don't know which part of me not making choices and my husband not being enough they do not get.

They have asked how my overnight leave went but they really don't want to know so what is the fucking point.

Hi, I couldn't read and not reply.

It feels like I am reading about myself. Right now I am in hospital (but a mother & baby ward). I too self harm badly, not for the pain or release or as a reaction to anything, but because I want to do as much damage to myself as possible, and the thrill of knowing what I can do. The visual impact of a bad wound. Almost pride in the worse the cut is.

All I can say is talk as much as possible to the nurses and be honest. Try not to lie, or keep things bottled up.

Hi Scheherezade sorry to hear you are in a similar position to me - so frustrating isn't it. I hope the Mum and Baby unit is nice :)

I had a big chat with my named nurse yesterday and talked about everything.

I still feel really keyed up and anxious and dangerous.

I had some lorazapam last night to help me calm down. Planning something for tonight, so frustrated with everything.

I am at home at the moment, going back for 9 (I get 3 hours leave at a time), feel bad because I am being so ratty with DH.

Going home I think. They have said I have not changed and so I may as well be at home. So I will carry on where I left off I guess feel really let down and I dont understand why everyone eants me to hurt myself because that is what I will do at home and they know that. Dh is upset.as well

OK time to sound harsh - ignore me of you like

Don't you think it is time that you take a bit of responsibility for what is going on?

If they admit you to hospital all you do is shout that you hate it and do your best to still self harm

And when you are sent home it is also not good.

What do you want them to do for you?

Sorry - to clarify that post was triggered by you saying you don't understand why they want you to hurt yourself. They don't want you to hurt yourself.

fluffy - what do you want to happen?

I don't know what I want, I am so frustrated with everyone asking me what I want because I don't know.

I am torn in two, I am so full of self harm but I also want help :(

My DH was really upset about them discharging me and asked for a second opinion, they have decided not to discharge me until Thursday when I can have another meeting. I am at home now because I am going to a funeral all day tomorrow and they felt I would be safe with DH at home.

I am trying to build up to cutting down to the bone, I know it is totally illogical but I feel like I have to :( I don't want to but I do have to.

It is just hard. I am just full of anger and frustration at myself. I feel like nobody can help me and I just feel really let down by everything that nobody can help me. And I know I should help myself but I don't know how to.

You can help yourself by planning to do something else, other than "cut yourself to the bone". You don't have to do it.

Have you anything positive to focus on?