Anyone around - being admitted tomorrow.

[fluffydressinggown]

Sorry again for more depressing stuff from me.

My self harm has continued to get worse and I overdosed (as self harm) on Tuesday and I have attended A&E twice this week for cuts which needed internal stitches. I feel compelled to hurt myself as much as I can and unable to stop myself and I know that if I carry on I will cause myself a serious injury or kill myself.

And so tomorrow I am going into hospital, for a short assessment (3 days we think). I am really really worried and scared but I know it is the right decision. I am going in voluntarily so I can leave if I want to. I am utterly utterly exhausted, I am so tired of feeling like hurting myself, I am so tired of feeling compelled to hurt myself. To the point where as I am doing it I don't want to. I am so tired of going to A&E and shocking the nurses with what I have done to myself. I am so very tired of everything.

They think I might have OCD, where the obsession is the damage I can cause to myself and the compulsion is the self harm. I am not triggered by a specific event or feeling, it is just constant intrusive and upsetting thoughts about harming myself in increasingly horrid ways that I feel compelled to act upon.

I am so scared. I wish this wasn't me :(

Sorry you are finding things so tough fluffy. Has anyo spoken to you about your diagnosis to give you insight into the condition? What you are saying is very common in bpd thought processes.

I think you are putting yourself down a bit. You are a bit ill that is all.Lots of people self-harm. I agree with the last post: you need to know why you are doing it By the way I saw an article in a journal about self-harming and it is now thought that some people do it to release emotional pain-it is not as bad as you think We all have to find ways of dealing with feelings we have after all

I didn't get discharged, the plan is for the week after next with lots of support from crisis at home. I am not doing brilliantly, I have some stitches in my leg (unaccompanied leave home) and my arm is really painful from burns so it is hard to do stuff.

I wish I got an emotional release, I wish I could find what I was looking for in self harm. I know lots of people do it, but most people don't have my drive to do damage (lots of MH professionals have told me this) which makes it hard for me to manage. And I suppose I mean, it is hard for me to manage my SI and hard for people to support me in managing it.

I have some understanding of the BPD stuff, I get that I don't feel anything most of the time but actually I am probably quite distressed even though I feel very flat, not ok, not bad, just, am.

I hope you are ok schezerade - have you been discharged?

My sh is (was) very similar, in that I planned it, I didn't do it in reaction to anything, just because I wanted to do as much damage as I could. But I didn't have your reasoning skills, I was acutely manic each episode.

There are specialist facilities for people with BPD and SH issues, called therapeutic communities. Psych hospital often isn't appropriate as it doesn't help with all the psychology behind the behaviour.

You might want to look at the mental health board on recoveryourlife.com

BPD and mental disorders aren't a life sentence. Once the right medication/therapy/coping strategies are found you can recover completely and put all this behind. I have quite a few friends who have recovered completely from it :) and one has had a baby and both doing brilliantly.

I was discharged on Monday, thanks for asking :)

I have felt ok today but all of a sudden I am really scared, and really upset I need to calm down before DH comes home. All of a sudden I realise that I am still really not ok and all of this crappy SI is in response to that, I have felt so calm for weeks.

My burns are infected and my hand is swollen today :( Been prescribed anti-biotics. I hate this, I hate this cycle of pain, this endless endless injury that makes my life harder. It is hard to use my hand, it hurts to walk, it will hurt to walk as I cut more and more and then I will take another overdose and feel so sick and vile. And I am at the centre of all of this horrible pain and fear and I am not sure what to do because not doing it is not ok :(

They talked about therapitic communities but because of some OCD traits I have they felt it would not help me ot get better - changes to my routine make things very hard for me and actually most of my routines enable me to be pretty functional in terms of cooking, cleaning, managing money etc.

I have posted my dh's name by accident is there a way to have it changed?

Report your own post fluffy and ask I think

I'm sorry you're struggling fluffy

fluffy report your own post and MN will delete it x

Thanks I have reported it.

My hand is very sore and very swollen :(

Hi fluffy
I have been following your thead for a while and wanted to say hi

Like yourself i have been in and out of the units since April :( i also have SI issues cutting is my down fall

Just hope your doing ok tonight are you on home leave?? Hope the hand is feelingbetter is it hurting due to infection?or more SI ?

Thinking of you x

I have infected burns on my forearm so lots of pain and my hand is all swollen up as well which is painful. I hate the pain and discomfort.

I am going back to hospital in a bit, I spend about half my time at home now in preparation for discharge next week.

There is a little voice in my head starting to say you can't do this. And I know I know I have to find the strength to do this, but, I really don't know if I can, not yet anyway :( Hate this.

Oh fluffy, i have just stumbled across this and was on your thread at the begining (as goawaybob), i just wanted to say that you are so very brave to be still fighting this - i cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now, but you must know that you are a strong person. The "voices" in your head are scared now, they know you can do it so will be nagging you and telling you you can't, but you know that you can - you have to find a way to silence them, until they become no more than an irritant, get bored and fuck off to fuckville, and yep, when they get there, fuck off some more. YOU WILL beat this - stay strong lady, im in awe xxxx

I was talking about stuff with my psychologist today, I said I wished I could be erased, I wish I could just be rubbed out. He is obsessed with me feeling empty, and it is not emptiness, it is a nothing.

Like if you took a tree from a wood it would leave a big hole, but I feel like there should never have been any tree to remove for me, only there is and it would leave a hole, and if I could disappear and leave no hole I would. And sometimes, sometimes, I don't really care that there would be a hole, because, I think it would be worth it. I just want some peace, some space, something.

My marriage is struggling, I am struggling, everything is hard. And all around me everyone is saying how brave I am, how strong I am, how alright I seem. Well, I am not ok, I am not alright. I am so self destructive and at the moment, I feel so out of control. But my stupid stupid head won't let me show it, I smile, I laugh, I talk, I look so calm, and so nobody listens to my words.

I so want to be well

Fluffy your last sentence is really positive. The very fact that you want to be well means you will get there. Hold onto that. You are strong enough to beat this!

If you really want to be well, the voices in your head that tell you to self harm are not the real you. Do you understand? There seem to be two persons in your head - the one that self harms and tells you that you will self harm and that wants you to believe that your smile and calm are fake - and the one that really wants to be well and hates the pain and stress of the injuries. Your real you is the latter. Try to focus on that. You really want to get well and the other voices are not the real you! Keep fighting, Fluffy!

I have been discharged today, really upset today, just feel scared which is normal I guess. No follow up until Tuesday which feels like a very long way away.

Keep posting fluffy and we will be here to help you get through the few days.
Can you get a place in the psychiactric day unit to ease the transission. May be just go in a few days a week.

fluffy we are here for you. Keep posting whenever you like. I'm sorry if I've missed this bit but do you live with anyone? Can they help take care of you?

I live with my husband, he works full time though. I have just slept all day, too scared to do anything, too dodgy, too much. I am so worried about how I will manage, I wanted to take an overdose this afternoon. Can't eat, can't focus, keep crying :(

Ok. You need small targets, perhaps. I'm not in the same situation but I am dealing with depression - I wrote myself a list of stuff i could do today. Even making that list was good because I'd achieved something. I have decided I'm not going to set myself time targets but even if one thing gets crossed off in a day that's good.

You could maybe try this and see if it helps? It could be as simple as getting a glass of water, cleaning your teeth, brushing your hair. Put one thing away - a pen, a book. Sit outside for five minutes. Then acknowledge your achievement - post on here if you like. Give yourself a pat on the back. If you feel like doing something else, do it. If not, don't. Very small steps.

And have a look at babyheaves's Gettibg used to Life thread - useful stuff on there

And (sorry!) remember two things - you still want to get well (keep repeating that one) and even though you thought about taking an overdose you didn't do it. That in itself I an achievement. (see my thread about the lamppost from yesterday...)

I have my hair and make-up done, always do, I have OCD as well so I have to look a certain way.

Not sure what tomorrow will hold.

None of us do ever! Plan one thing - then there's one bit of certainty and you have some control.