Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

He has tried to be supportive- he left a long message saying how he loves me and believes I will get better this afternon- but how can he possibly understand how I feel about having a boy?

What I wanted to do today is finish the baby's room, which is full of stuff I need to sort out and store in a cupboard which needs cleared out before I can do this- my house is chaos and I cant possibly have it like this when the baby arrives.

But I have no energy to tackle this even though its adding to my stress. I went out to the shops to see if I could find ANY stuff for decorating the room which isn't fucking baby blue with cars etc but couldn't find anything, and I've decided to stop leaving the house anymore as everytime I see a little girl I have the urge to come straight home and kill myself. I've been depressed before but could always find some tiny ray of hope. Now I cant and death seems like a blessed relief but I have someone elses life I am forced to stay alive for. Its like being in hell.

Sorry for being so hopeless, i promise I will try and tell the psych how I really feel tomorrow.

Well done for getting out today though, even if it wasn't successful. Shopping can be rubbish if you can't find what you like, regardless of whether it's baby-related. When I get frustrated like this I just tell myself that I'll see what I like when I see it and, for you, it just wasn't today. My DS's room is not blue. We painted the walls white and he has mainly Winnie the Pooh stuff, though he has a duvet cover with ships on that I'm quite fond of, but that was my choice. Remember that, though the sex of your baby isn't your choice, everything else is. If you don't want blue, you don't have to have it. My DD's room was yellow with red and green for years and she loved it. It was bright and happy. (Now it's just a trashed mess!) If you only buy lovely things that YOU like (let's face it, babies express few opinions about decor / clothes etc) then maybe it'll help.

I wish I could help you get the room ready. Tidying other people's things is always more appealing than tidying my own! How much time is DP planning to have with you when the baby arrives? Could he or your sister help you with the room? Your sister or best friend might find it easier to do something practical to help you. For anyone in the final stages of pregnancy doing anything can seem impossible so please don't beat yourself up about it. You have actually done loads today.

When your baby is out and about, as it were, you may feel lots better and you will be able to put him nice and safely and sleeping in another room from time to time and do a bit of tidying or relaxing. It may seem that that day will never come but it will.

I'm probably saying all the wrong things, but it's so clear you want the best for your child, even though you think the best isn't you. He will disagree, of course! I do hope you are able to get some more RL support soon x

lelarose Nathan has something like this on the walls of his room - just over the white paint. They have changed the design since he was born.

Please try to print some of your posts for the psych. You've been brilliantly honest with us, and it's all out there in black and white for him to read, with no additional effort on your part.

fwiw, dd's room is blue because I hate pink, but we're going for seasideish look. I prefer neutrals for children - yellow, rainbow stripes, the works. Anything other than the relentless blue and pink. It's easier to do it online anyway.

On a practical note - can you afford to get a cleaner in to help you get on top of things?

My sister has not spoken to me for well over a week, amd sees me only occaisionally, always instigated by me- the last time I tried to contact her she ignored my message, not for the first time. The situation with her is very difficult- she has huge issues of her own to deal with which mean that she cannot relate to how I am feeling, amnd she is so sensitive that she growls and snaps at me and takes things i say or try to say completely the wrong way. I understand this and why she avoids me but this doesn't stop it hurting terribly. In the beginning I wanted her to be my birthing partner because we were so close she was the only person i thought I could feel safe with in labour, but I cant even contemplate that now, I'd literally rather do it alone than with someone who makes me feel this shit there.

I saw a cousin yesterday who hears from my mother regularly, and my mother has never once even mentioned my pregnancy to her. I cant bring myself to talk to my mother since her initial reaction to my pregnancy (before I was depressed, which I would never have told her about anyway) was just horrible (she implied I may want to terminate it for absolutely no other reason than she is a vile human being with no care or respect for anyone elses feelings) and we have always had a very difficult relationship.

It doesn't matter how old you get or how objectively you can see things, rejection from your own family is emotionally devastating. I expected it from my mother but my sister is breaking my heart. I'm so lonely and vulnerable and really struggling with being this depressed combined with being so heavily pregnant and terrified of giving birth and I have no one to turn to, nowhere to go.

Dp will be away for another 2 weeks.

can anyone just tell me what to do right now? I know you are not experts or in anyway responsible for me but what would any of you do?

Bearing in mind it is sunday evening and I cannot get put in hospital right now, I dont feel able to leave the house, my best friend is at work, dp at work and no one else is speaking to me.

I'm sorry to make this impossible but I dont want to talk to the Samaritans or a crisis team as it doesn't help.

I'm just sat here rocking and wailing to myself half the day I'm too lonely for words.

Hi Lela
I don't want your post to go unanswered but I'm just about to do bathtime so only have a few minutes. I'm sure there are others here with better advice than me but why don't you just focus on one minute at a time to get you through tonight. Why don't you run yourself a bath. Have you eaten properly today? Even beans on toast or similar would be good if you haven't. I just wish I could come sit with you a while, have a cup of tea and a hug...
xxx

maybe you need to let yourself rock and wail. Might sound crazy but in my desperate times I set my self a time to wallow in it all, be sorrowful, scream shout , whatever for say 15 minutes then I write down on a piece of paper one or two achievable things I am going to try and get done that day. Maybe nothing more than putting in a load of washing or having a shower, doesn't really matter what it is as once I have done it I can say to myself no matter what misery I am feeling I have managed to do this and that. Does that make any sense?
I think you have done really well to go out and try to get stuff for the baby's room. You do in the room whatever you like, the baby is not going to care pink, blue or otherwise! My DS1 had no room as we lived in a titchy one bed flat so was in a borrowed cot with us until we moved when he was 8 months old. Maybe you could try and sort one or two things in the room tonight? Might make you feel slightly less overwhelmed with the task tomorrow?
I realise you might be feeling beyond any of the things I suggest but wanted to reply to you, we are here with you and willing you on x

Hi Lela,

No real advice either but as domesticdisaster has said try to find something to do. By keeping yourself busy will take your mind of your worries. Your hormones are all over the place and you should only be focusing on you and your baby.

I can stay and chat if you want.

Lela, how about you write some stuff down again. make it a letter - to your mother, your sister, anyone that you really need to get stuff out to. Write it all out - a big long written wail. then fold it up, put it away, have a bath and try to sleep, or find some junk on tv to watch.

I think the situation you and your sister are in is brutal, for both of you, and although it seems a bit of a dead end atm, you've both been through a lot and will find a way back to each other again. Maybe you could point her to this thread one day, so that she sees it isn't just you, it is an illness, and that you have been trying so hard to get better.

And on a trivial note, if you want distraction, read some MN classics threads. I hope you don't think I'm trivialising what you're thinking - I just think "enforced" laughter is sometimes a good way to get through a pian crisis. when we got dd1's diagnosis, we came home, cried and cried, and then both couldn't stand to be in the house, so went out and spent £200 on comedy DVDs. It sounds macabre, but was the right thing to do - just to make us laugh, get a bit of a shot of different hormones circulating and stop us thinking, however briefly.

Just hugs Lela, and wishing you some peace of mind.

(((Lela)))

Right now I would:

-make a list of things that I want/need to talk to the psych about. You need to be completely honest about how you're feeling. Let your emotions and pain out while you're there. (My stubborn Gran was in pain with what turned out was a broken hip, she was literally crawling around the house. But everytime the Dr came around to look at her she walked fine. Went on for 2 weeks. Eventually she let on and we got it sorted - but not before she had 2 weeks of life with an untreated broken hip!) Maybe you have already been no holds barred frank with him about how you're feeling. But if not, then really really talk to him.

-watch something mindless. Preferably a comedy or X factor or something. Just to let your mind rest for a bit.

-look at old photo albums of happier times.

-where is your favourite place or what is your favourite memory. Lie relaxed, close your eyes and breathe deeply and recreate your little scene. How did you feel? What were you wearing? What did it sound like?

-cry. Sometimes you just have to. Its the only way. But this too shall pass. It will....just got to get yourself through the next wee bit.

Sorry the convo with your DP didn't go too well. Sounds like he wasn't as supportive as he could've been. Trouble is he doesn't know the full story - just a glimpse. I wish you felt comfortable enough to let him in. Slightly less of a surprise won't ruin it for him at all....not in the slightest. Given all the facts, the true extent of your feelings, the background, warts and all he'd be able to give you the support and security you desperately need.

I really do think the M&B unit would be a good safe haven for you at the moment. Somewhere where you and your baby can be safe and not alone. Its not going to be a magic wand...but its a good start. Good Luck at the psych tomorrow. We'll all be there with you in spirit. XXX

I'm so sorry you feel so bad. If you feel you can't do anything, then just say to yourself you'll do nothing and you'll have achieved your goal and can feel positive and not guilty about that, if nothing else. It's a horrible way to spend the time though and it can't help now the nights are darker and no one's around for you (except us wherever we are).

Here's what I do if I'm really not in the mood to do anything and feel pretty bad. (It's not a terribly edifying list, by the way!) Here goes:window shopping on ebay or amazon; looking at houses on local estate agents' websites; jigsaws; forgetting the window shopping and buying something frivolous (but reasonably priced of course) on amazon or similar; playing solitaire endlessly on the computer. I do also have a stash of comedy DVDs but sometimes feel it's too much of an effort to put them in. Oh yes. Eating chocolate. Ahem.

Thinking of you. I'll keep checking in.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry to hear what you are having to go through...I've been reading all your posts but find others have much better info than I will.

Is there no way you would be happy to see / speak to one of the ladies on mumsnet? They could offer you support as we've been here with you and gone through it with you and just basically "get" you and what you are going through and would do anything in our power to take care of you and support you in the way in which you need.

You need someone close honey

I'm sending you so much love
x

Hi Lela, hope you have got through the last few hours ok. It's so hard for you being on your own. When I felt shit in the pregnancy I used to read trashy novels or get in the bath or watch endless TV.

There are lots of similarities between my situation then and yours (though I think you're doing much better than I did. I could never face getting the baby's room ready, for example, because I was convinced I wouldn't bring her home with me). My sister and I, who had always been very very close, fell out and I found this very hard. She copes with life differently from me - by repressing any negative stuff (probably a good thing!). I am sure your sister loves you and your relationship will recover, but you are very different people and it seems she's not able to empathise with you at the moment.

Good luck tomorrow. Lots of us MNers are thinking of you.

Lela,

Just keep breathing. Come back to the breath, in for 10 out for 10, long and slow and try and come out of this thinking.

You sister is in her own world for now. It is not your fault and although you feel alienated by her, I am sure she does not mean for you to feel so hurt.

You feel boxed in and that no one could help you. They could. YOur cousin, what is your relationship with her like?

I feel like this all comes back to your mum. She damaged you, and you feel undeserving? Lela, you deserve happiness, and you should forgive yourself.

IKEA- primary colours, not gilry or boyish, cheap and durable. Look online [http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/categories/departments/childrens_ikea/]]

Lots of Love.

Thanks all of you.

I've talked to my bf and dp. Bf coming to see me tomorrow night. Dp upset Im not eating properly due to inability to get to shops. He wants my sisters number, but she'd only know I gave it to him.

jane- how did you get through your labour and birth? x

sorry that was me as housesalehangup name changed for a diff thread!

lela - if you really feel you can't go out - then get a supermarket delivery to eat, at least for a few days. Get some strength up, get out of this dip and then you can move on.

I only saw my cousin yesterday for the first time in about 18 months and she knows nothing of how I've been, I wouldn't dream of telling her. we're not close. I put on an act for a couple of hours and prob wont see her again for ages.

Lela - it's Sunday night. You got here, you got through the weekend, and tomorrow is your appt. Bloody well done, woman.

Hope it goes well today, lela. Will check in later.

Been to appointment. Nothing has changed.

Told psychiatrist I am acutely depressed, struggling to funtion, wish I was dead. He asked me what I thought would help, I said being in hospital, he disagreed no idea why he bothered asking, presumeably he was hoping for me to ask for more drugs as this is his answer to everything.

They do not see me as a real problem because they know I wont commit suicide whilst still carrying the baby. He wants to send a nurse out to see me at home (i dont want this but will agree to anything, like a good little mental patient so they cant say I'm refusing help)and see me himself every week, then admit me to mother and baby unit after the birth.

Told him I was terrified of the birth and he said I shouldnt have a homebirth then and I just didnt have it in me to continue that conversation- the only person who supports me in this is the female midwife, not one of the male drs I have encountered will encourage it.

Asked him how I'm supposed to get throught the days lesding up to the birth feeling like this and he said well you already are arent you. It doesnt matter how low and terrified I am, as long as I dont kill myself, which I have no doubt whatsoever I would if not for the poor baby.

Wanted to be more assertive but I dont really have it in me. Back home, still in exactly the same position, except knowing the only hospital care I will get will be after my baby is born, which means everyone will have to know about it, rather than me getting help now when its just me and I could have hid it.

I'd have been as well not going today but I kind of knew that anyway,having worked in mental health myself. My partner was threatening to call and tell the psych how I was really feeling if I wasnt able to because he cant get his head round someine feeling this bad but not getting any actual help.

Well, I tried.