Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

But Lela he loves you and he needs you. If you weren't there for him it would effect his life so so much.

Lots of posters on this thread have said what an amazing mum you are. You are having a terrible time, but you have to believe you can get through this. You need help Lela, so you can stop feeling like you do.

I want to stop living and for dp to meet someone else who can take on ds and cope better and not get in a state about stuff calling him the wrong name etc.

I just keep thinking how dp has just lost his mother and how much stress me dying would cause him.

I loathe hospitals and I'm scared of being admitted.

But Lela you know you need to get help for your son. He needs you. He needs you tonight and he needs you forever. You are his mum, you have to do this for him.

Please please phone the mental health team. I will stay here if you want me to and talk all night, but I think if you are feeling so bad, you need professional help. If you were honest and told tham you feel like harming yourself, they will help you.

Sorry also meant to say your DS doesnt care that you worry about his name. He just cares that you are his mum.

I know you are scared of being admitted but there have been so many on MN who have said the units helped themm so much. The nurses will know you will be scared. My friends DD works in a unit and she such a lovely kind person.

Are you ok Lela?x

Sorry, you dont have to talk to me all night.

I just went and held my baby to remind me why I need carry on living and now he is crying as it woke him up.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry Lela, I was hoping you were with DS.
I used to do that-wake them up for a cuddle. The crying is worth it for a cuddle.

I don't mind talking to you for as long as you like Lela.

Are you feeling a bit less anxious Lela?

I feel stuck. I feel like every decsion i make makes things worse and life is too complicated to sort out. every time I say his name i feel sick inside, everytime someone says "oh another (his name)" I feel sick to my stomach. I dont even think its a nice name anymore. I'd do anything to go back to the time when I chose it and stop myself. Yet if I change it now it will be so complicated and humiliating and anyway dp doesnt like the other name I want to call him as much.

I dont think tonight or tomorrow, but i do think one day, all this will end in me commiting suicide. I find it very very difficult, almost impossible now, to live with the mistakes I make, I'm not vey good at letting things go or forgiving myself. I dont believe its a weakness or an easy way out, i think its about accepting that I'm just btoo damaged to have a happy life.

I'm here too Lela; I posted on your thread before but have had to namechange because of irrelevent reasons.

Please, please don't feel that you are worthless. You have gone through so much and you are great mother even if you can't see that now.

Don't be afraid of the M&B unit if that's where you need to go. They can support you, give you a respite from your son (it's really, really tough when you are having to cope on your own without support) and then help you build your self-confidence and enjoy life and your son again.

Hugs xxx

Lela can you remember all the posters on your thread who have said they felt like you and after getting help felt so much better. Lots and lots of people do get better.

I think you said after visiting the mother and baby unit that you felt glad it was there if you needed it. [sorry if I got that wrong] I think you need it now Lela, please give them a ring.x

I just wont ever be happy.

A few weeks ago, me, dp and our beautiful son were all lying in bed together and I realised that this was the exact image I had always fantasised about for all the years that i desperately wanted children.

It wasnt winning the lottery, having a fabulous career or travelling the world. It was belonging to a family. Being in love and having children. Thats all I ever wanted.

I have it and I'm thinking about death pretty much every day.

Lela you sound so sad. Is there anyone you could call tonight just to talk things through; a friend maybe?

I don't think it is at all unusual to have second thoughts about a name. Sometimes names just don't 'fit' a child; and sometimes babies just grow into their names. There are a number of things you could do; - I think it is fairly simple to change a name within 12 months of the birth; and perhaps the other name that you prefer could be a first name and his original name a second name; but maybe first make sure you are feeling better as every little thing is magnified when you are feeling depressed.

It's a cliche but if you really want to talk to someone else, and for them just to listen unjudementally Samaritans/ are really good to just talk to.

Is your ds asleep now?

But Lela darling how can you know you wont ever be happy? You owe it to yourself to try everything. You deserve to be happy.

Do you think you could phone the unit? They have said you can have a place so must think they can help you, make you fee better. If you don't feel like it know could you do it tomorrow?

Sorry X posted. I think Notjusta is right. You should phone sameone tonight.

yes hes in the bed with me.

Dp wont let me change his name and anyway I would feel totally ridiculous telling people to start calling him another name now and couldnt face all the comments but this is really affecting me

I'm pretty certain i will always regret it and never feel entirely comfortable with it. I know that saying always and never when you are depressed isnt always accurate but this has been a creeping feeling since the day we registered it and its just grown and grown, and he just does not suit it at all and I feel sick to my stomach that I cant put this right.

Its a final straw thing really.

I tried calling my friend and her phone is off and I know shes out anyway.

I should try and sleep but scared to just be with my obsessive thoughts.

I think the samaritans do a great job I just really really dont want to call them, I could not verbalise all this even if I wanted to.

I'm sure the Samaritans would help you verbalise your thoughts.

Could you shorten his name Lela? My DD was named after a suggestion from my MIL. I'd had such an awful birth I didn't bond at all and tbh I didn't care what she was called at first. After about 4 weeks I really resented the fact I hadn't chosen her name. It took me until she was about 6 months to decide to do something. I shortening her name. I didn't really tell anyone, I just started to call her that.

yes I can do that and have tried but it still doesn't suit him. I just cant stand the name now.

I'm not calling the Samaritans. sorry I know exactly why you think i should but I'm not going to, I really dont want to talk to them.

Please dont feel like you have to stay up talking to me.

I don't Lela. I'm just worried about you.

Is Ds back to sleep now?

I'm glad that your ds is now asleep next to you. I still secretly like it when my ds wakes in the night and I am too exhausted to put him back to his cot and we snooze together.

If you have had lingering doubts about your ds's name then maybe listening to your inner voice is the right thing to do (I'm finally listening to mine). If you didn't want to formally change, perhaps you can agree to use your preferred name as a nickname / second name (I know a suprising amount of people named one thing but affectionately known as another).

Don't feel you have to call Sams, but they are there if no-one else is to hand. And one of my closest friends is a Sams and after going through something unutteringly bad, I have never called the Sams even when desperate - althought that is what they are there for - but for reasons I couldn't explain I have never thought to call them.

Try and get some sleep then Lela xx

Hi lela... haven't posted for a while but think of you often.

I really like your DS's name.

I think the focus of your depression has shifted/is shifting from his gender to his name. You may be looking for a reason to explain your feelings; to explain why you don't feel like you thought you would when you got everything you wanted. When things get this bad, searching for a reason to 'hang' the feelings from is pretty normal behaviour IMO. it doesn't mean his name is in any way significant, or is actually causing your feelings. Quite the opposite.

Having a child was a somewhat bitter experience for me, especially at first, as it was nothing NOTHING like the fantasy I had had.

Letting go of the fantasy will be a long, slow and panful process, but in doing so you will allow yourself to feel the joy an actual- not a fantasy- family brings. You're just not there yet. And you need some help until you get there.

Let me know what I can do to support you. PM me if you want.

yes he is asleep, sucking his imaginary dummy god love him.

The problem is also that dp is not keen on the other names I like and doesn't want to change it.

You know the kind of feeling you might get say, if you had just taken off on a long haul flight and realise that you had left the gas on full blast at home and your house keys dangling out of the front door and the bath overflowing? (bear with me here). Its like a combination of sick, curdling fear, remorse and horrible helplessness, you're never going to be able to relax and enjoy the journey and your holiday will be ruined.

Well this is the only way I can really describe how I feel, over and over again on a daily basis about my son's name. And its really not healthy.

I've just read the last few posts here, could you call him a nickname instead? Lela, I'll no doubt be up for hours yet if you need a chat, pm, or I'm also on Facebook (faster chat), if I can help in any way.

lela, to extend your analogy- were you to get those feelings on a plane but none of those things were actually happening back home, you would be experiencing an anxiety disorder.

What I mean is, your feelings are navigating your thoughts, not the other way round.

Thanks thats really very kind of you. I could no more facebook you than post naked photos of myself on here though, as i'd be horrified if anyone knew who I was. The longer I stay up the worse tomorrow is going to be i guess so I will need to try and sleep.

The only things i am proud of today are that I have not a) drank the bottle of wine that is in my fridge even tho i would really have loved to b)smoked (havent smoked for years and am totally sickened by it am just that stressed I feel a bizarre urge to do something like that) or c) called dp in hysterics which would only upset him and fuel my self loathing

I have to sort this name thing out. I hate my child having such a generic name I really cant live with it.

I really know that feeling. And it's usually when I should be listening to my gut feeling as it's trying to warn me; but tethers is right; sometimes what you can feel about something is off because it is hiding something else (I cannot really articulate this as my meds are really kicking in and it's hard to follow a thought let alone type).

x