Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

Hey lela, did you get my last message on the old thread? It was just to say what my sil said about the m&b unit...

Hey lela - just checking in.

Just in case you missed my post, here it is...

I gave her a brief outline of your situation and she said this...(I didn't direct her to the thread, just enough info to assess the situation)

If she goes in voluntarily it'd be better, and no, they wouldn't section her unless she was a risk to herself or others and was refusing treatment. Mother and baby unit will probably be best place for her now-better to try and get help before baby comes. Good that she's involved with mental health services anyway, they will do their best to get her well and home quickly.

I think you should consider it as an option, please don't be ashamed or worried, the people there will not judge you and will just want to help you, that's all.

Thanks for starting the new thread.

dalrymps I did read it and thank you, its very helpful. I suppose better to go in now than when the baby is here and more people will notice.

When I get to this level of depression I find it really hard to do anything, ie pick up the phone to speak to anyone so I dont know if I can go through with it. Feel like I'm made of lead, everything is too much effort.

I miss my sister and the relationship we used to have so much, she would always have been the person Id have turned to in the past. Now she would just ignore my calls or sit here grudgingly, sighing and telling me Im being ridiculous.

Just let me accept this, stop hoping there s a chance its all a big mistake because I know thats not possible.

Maybe the next person who suggests adoption could also be so kind as to suggest the quickest and most painless method of suicide for me once Ive lost everything and everyone knows I rejected my own child. sorry to sound hysterical, am actually completely calm and serious.

Lela, I understand your last paragraph, I really do. And I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Can you just will yourself, one limb at a time, to get over to the phone and make the call? Or at least to the chair nearest the phone, and then work on the next step.

People get hospitalised for all sorts of things in later pregnancy - suspect people would just assume that if you went in now.

And don't give up on the relationship with your sister. It's not working for you now, and that's really sad for both of you, but hang on in there.

If you can muster the energy as habbibu says you should really try and make the call. It's the best place for you right now. Remember, it's better to go in voluntarily so if you can manage to do that please do x

lelarose is there anyone on Mn who could come and give you some support whilst you make the initial phone call ? If i lived nearby i would do it for you.Please take all the help that you can,you can get through this eventually.

Lela,

I've been following your thread since the beginning, and feel so desparatetly sorry that you are going through this. I hadn't posted until now as you were getting such good support, but I noticed you asked about Mother and Baby Units. I was admitted to one when DC2 was 8 weeks old for PND (St John's in Livingston, if you happen to be in Scotland.) I went there voluntarily, although in something of a rush (things had got pretty bad, very quickly). I spent 6 weeks there. It was an absolutely wonderful place, with the most amazing and caring staff. I had my own room and bathroom. There was a cot for the baby in my room, but also a nursery where the babies could sleep (and be cared for by nursery nurses so I could get a good sleep.) There was a day room with a kitchen, TV, toys etc for the baby. Only patients and staff were supposed to use that room (to provide some privacy), but there was also a family room. They made a real point of giving as much support as possible to the entire family, and were very welcoming to my DH and DD1. Once I felt a bit better I was free to come and go as a I wanted - down to the shop in the hospital, for walks around the grounds or to the local shopping centre. Although it was the most distressing time of my life, I remember my time in the Unit was fondness. I honestly don't know where I would be right now without their help. There was always someone to talk to (and I made a couple of good friends with other patients who were going through the same thing.) As I got better they made plans for me going home - it started with one night at home and gradually built up time. They also had a meeting to liase with mental health services and HV in my home town to make sure that support was there after I was discharged. There was someone admitted with AND just before I was discharged - I remember thinking that she must have been a little bored as she didn't have a baby to care for (which obviously took up a lot of time otherwise.) There wasn't exactly masses of things, and my DH could only visit on weekends. (I watched a fair amount of daytime TV, read a lot). I didn't mind, though as I knew was better off being a bit bored in the Unit than at home where I could barely cope. (Once I got to the point of feeling bored and wanting to be home, I knew I was getting better!) I really think you would benefit from being in a Unit. At St John's they had lovely nursery nurses who were there to help care for the baby--show you how to bath, feed, change etc. They would also take the baby to give you a rest/break when it got too much. Although I was OK as it was my second child and knew what I was doing, I'm sure it must be a relief to have that support 24/7 when you're really poorly. Anyway, I'm sorry I've written an essay (hope it makes sense ). I just wanted to try to give you a sense of the ins and outs of a stay in a Unit. I know that people have visited St John's before deciding whether to be admitted - perhaps you can ask to see your local Unit first? Take care.

I should have said feel free to send me a message if you want to ask any questions, but don't want to post them here.

Lela, You've made such a stalwart effort and progress getting to this point. You are really brave. I think the mother and baby unit sounds like a good option right now though. You have been sounding better on and off but I think the fact you're isolated in RL with these feelings and with the birth and everything imminent and trying to reduce your meds...I think you'd be better off with real hands-on support.

As Habib said lots of people get hospitalised in later pg so you wouldn't have to tell the majority of people anything if you didn't want to. I know you'd have to tell your DP and your sister and your best friend probably. But its not a failing on your part that this is happening. Its circumstances and the fact you're not well at the moment. And its not a failing to seek help - its the opposite of that. And from their perspective would they prefer you to be in this much pain or would they prefer you to be somewhere safe and getting support? They love you and just want the best for you...even if the relationship with your sister is a bit harder at the moment (its not damaged forever).

One minute at a time though today...take care.

Ack....sorry just thinking I'm being stupid....talking about telling them is bound to scare you. You could go into the unit (or speak to them, visit etc) first and then deal with telling them with the support of the unit. You and the baby are the most important thing.

You are in a massive slump and I am not surprised, you have had your DH with you and now he has gone, and you really pregnant. It's all just so much to deal with. In all honesty, you are doing so so well.

I think you need to be really gentle with yourself. You are ill and vulnerable, and just making a phone call is a huge deal. If you can make that call today then that is a BIG step for you.

You are going to get through this, and little by little the fog will lift for you. You just need support.

Your sister might be away now, but you know she could be there for you down the line a bit. Just leave the lines of communication open for now.

Stay with us.

I didn't manage to get through to my psychiatrist today and to be honest I dont know if I can really go through with this as I know I'll have to really push to get admitted. I asked the cpn I spoke to last night what it would take and he said if I wasnt eating or sleeping at all or if I was a danger to myself or the baby. Im not any of these things and the psych has refused to even entertain the idea of hospital admission with me in the past.

Plus this is now ENTIRELY about the baby's gender and nothing can change my feelings about that. I sicken myself and would do anything to feel differently i just cant.

I dont blame my sister at all she has terrible troubles of her own. I just do not trust her to look out for me in any way anymore and its like a bereavement- we only ever really had each other.

I just try to survive one hour at a time, cant make this stop as even though my life seems ruined anyway I cant be responsible for hurting this poor innocent baby. So on I plod.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low again. I don't know how it must feel so I'm sorry if what I say is unhelpful. You wouldn't be giving yourself such a hard time if you had flu - you are ill and you will get through it, even if you can't imagine feeling better. You didn't ask to be ill, and you clearly really want to love your little boy - you haven't asked to have this fear / stress / longing for a girl.

I really hope that when they wrap your little bundle of baby in a snuggly blanket and hand him to you that your life won't seem ruined. There will be a day when you make him laugh, when you (and only you) will do, only you will stop him crying, only you will make him laugh and dance. Think of snuggling him in his towel after a bath - boys can be very snuggly. Don't compare the thought of him with other boys you know, because they're not yours and obviously they won't be anywhere near as lovely / gorgeous / cute as yours will be. And what's to stop him loving you totally? You're his mum, and that's all that will matter to him for a long time.

You are doing more than your very best for him. Please don't feel bad.

And, if all else fails, imagine the time in a few weeks when you can hand him over to your DP and say, "You have him for an hour or so, I'm having a cup of tea!"

Sorry if I'm being flippant; I just wish I could help you more.

Well done for getting on the phone, that was huge.

It seems so unfair, a real catch 22 that you need to deny yourself food or sleep in order for your Psych to admit you, when you have it seems to me a great need to be given more support that you are getting now. In NO WAY am I suggesting ti

I know you will plod on and keep yourself safe. I really hope tomorrow brings you some relief.

When is your DP back?

He wont be back for another 2-3 weeks. I really dont think I can handle bringing up a boy on my own most of the time, as his job is not going to change.

Its such a wierd feeling wanting to die but knowing you cant. I dont believe suicide is a cowards way out at all, but thats just me. However I have to give this child a chance, even if he ends up just with his dad. He'll be a great dad and he has a nice family. He has more to offer than I do because he really wants a son. I can't find anything to look forward to about having a son so I dont deserve one. I had a shit mother and I would have been better off without her- she has cast a shadow over my whole life.

Lela....just because you can't find anything to look forward to about having a son today (and through pg perhaps) in no way means you don't deserve him. Bottom line is you were desperate for a little girl and you don't really want to entertain the thought of a boy for various reasons....this has led you to all sorts of grief and pain and feeling suicidal...and yet, you have kept yourself safe, you have taken medication prescribed by the Dr's but that in all intents and purposes was to keep you - AND HIM - safe. You deserve him and he deserves you.

Thing is after he is born - yes, he can go to his Dad BUT you still need to keep yourself safe - he still will need you. I know you're so scared at the thought of bringing him up when DP is away such a lot...and that would be hard for anyone. But the feelings you have now may change. The support and medication available to you WILL change. You've heard stories on here from people who've had that happen. Maybe not overnight, but it did. You did have a shit mother...she really did a number on you. But you are not your mother and whilst you may have been better off without her...you're still here and a survivor and a caring loving person. Time need not repeat itself. You are aware of things and you know the many mistakes she made, and you're aware of how your toxic childhood has had an effect - so you can address that with medication/counselling/etc. Life won't be like this forever and there's a positive way out of all this....I know its difficult to see at the moment, but there is.

Well done for calling the psych - I still think pursuing the mother and baby unit is a good plan. Could you print off this post (well the other thread) and show it to as many people as you need to to get them to listen. You aren't sleeping - getting a few hours kip is not 'sleeping'.

Oh and about the lonely element of bringing up your baby without DP there for large parts. There's also a flip side which is once the baby is here...you'll never be on your own again. Its you and him against the world. Yes, it can be lonely. But equally, its like having a little mate with you all the time - a very amusing, quirky little mate who adores you as the centre of their universe!

Big hugs Lela.

Thanks zam.

When dp called last night I was in the middle of trying to write him an e mail attempting to tell him honestly how I felt nd that I am thinking I may have to get admitted to hospital. It all came out in a tearful mess when I spoke to him, where I said I wished I hadn't got pregnant and missed how things were before- which is mad because before all I wanted was a baby.

He kept asking why is it so bad and I said because I want a little girl so badly, and of course he said but you dont know you're not getting one so why are you doing this to yourself. I just can't bring myself to tell him I went behind his back and found out it is a boy. My therapist says I was entitled to make my own decision about that which is true but because it was such an awful decision I cant admit I did it. Dp said at the time it will just give you something else to get in a state about (after I had convinced myself the baby might have downs syndrome etc), and he was right even though he couldn't possibly imagine how right he was and it hurts to admit this as well as take away from him the moment at the birth he is so looking forward to.

I think if I had people I could talk to like this in rl then I might not have to consider hospital, but the shame and the betrayal of my dp stops me being able to open up to anyone. Growing up within an abusive family, I always felt alone, and thats why having my own family was always such a huge dream for me, but I could never have imagined the incredible lonliness and isolation that pregnancy would bring for me and that I could ever feel such negativity about having my first child. I dont even know who I am anymore.

Hi lelarose just checking in - hit a bad patch of my own so not much to say but thinking of you.

One thing I did want to say is once your dp has gone through labour with you and seen baby being born the sex is not as important as he or you is imagining now. You are imagining it as some huge thing for him, but he will just be glad it's over and to have a (please God) healthy baby.

Hi Lelarose,
I am so sorry you have hit a set back after what appeared to have been a few slightly better days. I remember only too well that it was one step forward two back then another few forward and getting to a stable state will be like that but the better days will eventually get more frequent and last for longer.
I remember clearly planning to have my son then to give him to my husband and his family while I dissapeared (I never got as far as working out what dissapearing would entail). Once I had my son the bond wasn't instant but the sense of relief was immense, I no longer needed to fear this thing as he was here. Once your son is here his gender will be out in the open for everyone to know and yes you will have to cope with the reality of his practical needs and bonding with him but that will most certainly come at some point. I didn't feel instant love for my son but my instinct to protect him was overwhelming and I remeber saying to the midwife that now he was here I would never be able to fall apart in quite the same way again because I had someone else I had to think of before myself. I continue to have ups and downs but what ultimately anchors me are my two boys. There are many days I would love a break but I also love the fact they focus my energies on nurturing them and getting through the days which somehow takes the spotlight off me and my woes.
I don't know if this makes much sense, I think what I am trying to say is that motherhood has had for me some unexpected positives. I got through it and you will too even if at the moment it doesn't seem remotely possible. I think of you oftenxx

lela you are under a great strain and that is probably not helped at all by having to keep the sex of your child to yourself.Do you think it would help you at all to be able to actually tell your dh ? I understand that you didnt want to let him know that you have known for a while but maybe its putting too much pressure on yourself to have to keep quiet about it.be kind to yourself,i still think in spite of all your problems you are going to be a fabulous mum,your concern for your baby is showing ,even in your despair.

Tell him.

Just tell him.

Honestly, it has gone on long enough and look at the state you are in! This is just daft, you need to tell him. He loves you. He wont care that you have "ruined the surprise", that will be the furthest thing from his mind knowing how bad you are.

If you tell him, what is the worst that could happen? He wont be surprised, big whoop. No about-to-be-parent really gives a toss about that, it is a healthy baby that will come out that is the big deal.

Imagine it in your head- how will be react? Do you really think he will fixate on you going off and doing this on your own, or do you think he will more be like "Bloddy hell, a boy?!! Thats fantastic, wow, a boy, I am going to have a wee boy, my god!!" and so on.

Then he might say, "I would have liked the surprise, but is this why you have been so ill? Lela, I am so sorry that I could not support you, you have be dealing with this on your own. Lela I love you, we can get through this, we are going to have a wee boy, and I will support you know matter what!"

You are in a partnership with from what you say an amazing guy, he not going to up sticks and leave you cos you ruined a surprise.

Love xx

Absolutely agree! Its too much of a burden for just you on your own. And there's no need for it. As thatsnotmymonkey says its a surprise...but its not going to take away from the monumentous moment at the birth anyway. You almost had the email written out, go that last mile and tell him.

Totally agree, it's really not as big a deal as you think, honestly. Just tell him x