Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

I totally agree with thatsnotmymonkey and zam - this is too much of a burden to carry on your own. You need to tell him.

I doubt very much it will ruin the birth for him.

We knew the sex of our baby and it didn't take away at all from the experience. In fact we felt more prepared and in control.

I know exactly what you are all saying. If it was someone else in this situation I would have said tell him 3 months ago instead of putting yourself through all this torment just because he wanted a surprise. I'm just so ashamed of how I feel - there is now no positive way for me to tell him this, but if he finds out at the birth it can be a happy moment for him rather than realising having a boy is the root of my illness iyswim. I guess I just want him to have the happy expericences I'm not able to.

Its very kind of some of you to say I am brave and strong, but I'm really not. I'm in a very dark and frightening place today. I had a growth scan this morning and they told me the baby is now measuring bigger than average. I'm gutted, I'm so so scared of the birth now, I couldn't imagine being able to push out a small baby let alone a big one. Then i spoke to a dr who was so negative about the homebirth. He said about 6 times "as drs we don't advertise homebirths" which annoyed me irrationally because thats not even the right word for what he meant. He said we see all the things that can go wrong and how quickly they can happen and if your baby gets in distress you will have a delay getting to hospital from home. Then dismissed the fact that there is no evidence to say that homebirth is any more dangerous than hospital. Kept saying "of course its up to you" as if I was just some silly selfish little woman. Someone once said that childbirth is a women's thing which has been totally overtaken and medicalised by men and now I see exactly what they meant.

I called my midwife when I got home and she said oh they always say that, please have faith in yourself and lets prove them wrong. I like and trust this woman, I'd like her with me and not to be in a place that makes me anxious and upset so what the hell do I do? (its ok not expecting anyone to answer that). Now they have told me the baby is big my fear of ripping is so much worse maybe i should just go in and get a bloody epidural and give up on everything i wanted to try and do for a birth I could maybe cope with.

Sorry about all this I'm on my own as usual here and I need to get this off my chest. Dp called when I was at the hospital and said "come on now, you're a big girl". You know what I dont feel like a big girl, i feel like a terrified child and I've never been so alone in all my life. I would give anything to have a mother who I could talk to about this, but that will never happen- I'm the mother now and I've realised way too late that I'm really not up to it. Even if dp was here but he'll be away for the next 2 weeks. I have no one.

The icing on the cake was when the dr said of course the baby could come any time after this week, then what will you do if you havent made your mind up yet? I didnt think it could come that early so i just hung my head and said I dont know.

No sorry the real straw that broke my back today was the scan photo I requested for dp which makes the baby look so grotesque it actually scared me- like a hideous shrunken deformed adult in profile.

Sorry, not in a good place.

the thing to remember is that the doctors only ever deal with women who have been passed to them because they have complications. All the straightforward births are dealt with exclusively by midwives.

Therefore because the doctors only ever see the complicated cases - their impression of childbirth being a scary, complex process riddled with potential medical disasters is highly exaggerated.

Go with your instinct, and your midwife.

also... just to add, it's a good sign that your baby is a good size - prob means he is healthy. They worry a lot more about small underweight babies

And a big baby isn't necessarily harder to deliver. It's all to do with the way they present down the vagina.

One of my NCT group had her second baby last year - an 11 pound baby. She had her at home, and delivered her naturally - didn't even tear.

If the head is delivered slowly in a controlled way then it's possible not to tear.

and all scan photos look distorted and weird. My baby looked like an alien! But came out beautiful

thanks, I'm really pleased to hear that.

However, I should probably be in that unit as I'm feeling right now that I'd like the baby removed by caesarian, taken away before I have to see it and then put up for adoption so I can just disappear. would it realy help me to be having these thoughts in a hospital room when I am phobic of hospitals?

This is incredibly childish and manipulative but I wish I had someone who would call my sister and my dp and tell them to please help me as neither of them really take me seriously and I just canty do this alone anymore I'm going out of my mind.

Lelarose

1. yes scan pics make babies look weird

2. 'average' is only 7lb4 and scan pics usually over estimate size of baby

3. the golden rule with first births at home is that if things go wrong they go wrong slowly and there is plenty of time to get to hospital. Certainly was the case for me. stick to your instincts

Hey Lela,

I will call them. Serious! I know how random would that be though. I would have to say, yes this is thatsnotmymonkey calling...would be an odd thing to do.

From what other posters have said M&B units are not scary sterile hospitals and they are done out to be as welcoming as they can be.

Call you make an emergency call to see if you can be admitted?

I know you have your reasons for not telling your husband, and as much as I respect them, it is skewed thinking. He will not care.

getdown speaks the truth, Drs do not know much about homebirths and so they are not the best informed people to help you make your birthing plan. I say do it. I think you will feel secure in your own home and MWs are able to help you not tear.Do not forget you can have lots of Gas and Air!

What are you doing this eve?

I'm going to my bed because I just want to make today end. I cant stop crying.

Just spoke to my best friend and told her I cant cope anymore and asked her if she can please help me get through this next wee while so I feel a little less isolated.

You are all right, I should go with the homebirth. I hate drs and hospitals.

Sorry to go on and on like this everyday I just need help to get through to the birth and at least you ladies know what you are on about.

Thanks all for your support yet again, hope you not sick of me xxxx

Lots and lots going on here, lela.

Firstly, these fears are really quite normal - maybe exaggerated by your illness, but normal. Trust and confidence have a lot to do with the kind of delivery you have - your mw sounds good, you don't have additional risk factors, and most doctors are not at all familiar with hbs.

Secondly - scans are notoriously inaccurate for predicting size. My consultant (who was generally very anti-intervention) was the head of u/s scanning at my hosp, and says it's good at predicting the size of average babies, but pretty rubbish at very big or very small.

Third - if you don't have gestational diabetes, you tend to have the baby the right size for you. I come from a family of big babies - dd was 10lb 11oz, and ds felt like a right tiddler after her, at 9lb 1oz. I had a few stitches with dd - didn't even notice a tear at the time, and barely a scratch with ds.

fwiw, I was born at home (in the 1970s!) - I was 10lb, and no problem at all. And my mum is very little!

Big babies can be easier to deliver, as you've more gravity on your side. They are also generally quite robust and so, so cuddly!

Late scan photos are just weird, and always look like aliens, even more so than the 20 week ones. The end result is very different!

Now - about you! We say you're strong because you are. Strength and bravery aren't about not feeling fear - far from it. they are about feeling bloody terrified and just hanging on - finding the strength to just get through the next hour.

Remember, by reading these posts again, that much of what you are feeling now is because you've dropped your medication, and so your brain chemistry is not where it should be right now. You've done this, despite the fact that it causes you so much pain, because your instinct to protect this baby is tremendously strong. And that is all he needs right now. He doesn't need you to gush with love for him, to have a sudden amazing bond. He needs you to protect him, just as you have been doing, by keeping yourself well enough to see through the pregnancy.

I know you want your DP to have this "surprise", but honestly, it's like you're worried he'll see the wrapping paper on a present, so you're frantically hiding it in a cupboard. It's just the extra - it's nothing, really, and it is NOT worth this pain. Your DP loves you - your happiness is what motivates him, so don't deny him a chance to help you. Letting him in matters more than any surprise.

Lela, not sick of you. Really. Just glad you're still here, and still talking.

Still catching up, but

1. those growth scans aren't very accurate.

2. Not strong? Look how far you have come. At the start of the last thread you didn't think you'd get through another day and now you're nearly there. Being brave is not about not feeling fear, it's about carrying on despite the fear, and you have.

3. My cousin just had her first - 8lb 11oz, only gas and air and TENS, by her own choice, so there you go. My cousin is a small woman.

4. That doctor was a knob jockey of the highest order. You get them. Don't let him bother you.

5. You will be absolutely the mother your baby needs. He won't know if you're not the greatest mum.

6. If it's hard to be on your own after the birth, everyone is still going to be here to offer advice, and by everyone I mean all of us on the thread and the rest of Mumsnet too.

.

lela I spent 3 months in a mother and baby unit. It was not at all like being in hospital.

Obviously you wore your own clothes, not hospital gowns or wrist bands, and the staff all wore casual clothes too. Even the doctors.

There was a lounge with TV, sofas and swinging chairs for the babies - they were great at they sent the babies off to sleep really easily.

There was a nursery where the babies were looked after at night so you didn't have to do any night feeds if you didn't want to / were unable to.

There was a kitchen with kettle, toaster, microwave etc. You could have free access to make toast, tea etc.

There were (occasional) OT sessions like arts and crafts, creative writing that kind of thing. Which honestly did help me.

They are actually not bad places to be. I felt terrible there, but I would have felt terrible at home too because I was ill. Actually I would have felt worse at home. At least in the unit you didn't have to worry about cleaning, cooking, caring for the baby on your own etc.

I was told my son had a really big head but in the end he was only 7lb 4oz and his head was perfectly boringly average!

Also, he had quite cool scan pictures at 12 weeks, but definitely alien-type ones at 20 weeks and beyond! Fortunately he still came out looking like a baby :)

Someone earlier mentioned how having a baby can be like having a little mate with you at all times and I have to say I didn't expect that at all but it was very true. I'll be feeling down and blue and all of a sudden this little face will be staring up at me and I know I'm the centre of his world. I know it's hard to imagine feeling like that now, but there's a good chance you will.

Best of luck, and if you feel like you can tell your partner, go for it - I'm sure he will understand.

I had a 4D scan with DS2 and was quite mortified by what he looked like, even after being squished with the birth (homebirth I might add and 9 pounds 1)he looked far better than I feared. Trust your instincts and your midwife I say....good luck!

Hi Lela
I don't know if I can add anything to what these wonderful ladies have already said. I just wanted you to know I'm still here and thinking of you.

I think you should follow your instincts on everything. It sounds like your MW is wonderful and if you feel that a homebirth is for you then go for it.

We have a midwife led centre here which is very similar to having a homebirth and is set up to transfer you to a hospital if you need anything other than gas and air or you have complications. As that is an acutal centre I can't see how that is different to a homebirth - I'm probably not explaining what I mean very well here, but I'm just trying to say that as there are alternatives to hospitals this doctor is not speaking for the entire medical profession. You should do what is right for you.

These last weeks of pg are so so hard. I was in a similar position to you and even though I still find it hard sometimes, I have come through it. It took a while to come to terms with it but I did it and you will too. Hang on in there Lela.

You are all so kind. You've no idea how much I appreciate it. You and dp are keeping me going. I took hours to drag myself out of bed and face another day today and he called to give me yet another emergency number for his work and to say he has absolute faith in me and no doubt I'll be a lovely mother. Then I get all these lovely messages of support for you ladies, it helps, it really does.

I should maybe tell you that dp and I were only together for a year when I got pregnant unexpectedly so I guess considering how nuts I have been we have one well to stay together this far. I hate that his job keeps him away so much but I wouldnt change him for the world. Its not his fault he doesn't understand how I am feeling, I have kept quite a lot from him for the sake of our relationship.

Am just so exhausted, even keeping the house clean and tidy, even getting dressed is a struggle. I worry that the labour will start in the middle of the night and I will have no energy for it.

Does something come over you when it starts that makes you able to cope no matter how tired/ scared you are?

yes something does come over you. I got taken over by the whole physical experience that I didn't have a chance to worry all my usual worries, something there at that moment that you have to deal with. I knew I wanted labour to be over so was compelled to keep going until it was. The body is amazing, I felt I didn't have a clue what I was doing but my body certainly did. You will get there, you really will.

Hi Lela,

I suffered from insomnia, nowhere near as acutely as you and I didn't have anywhere near the level of depression you have, but I can tell you that something takes over - the whole world felt a bit sharper - I was induced and I could feel my body getting ready for the labour. Your MW sounds amazing and has belief in you and your body - as do all the lovely ladies who've posted - we all know you can do this, even if you know you can't iyswim.

I am not putting this very well, but your body will know what to do - if mine can get it's act together for labour I am certain yours will.

Also, 1) scan pictures are VERY alien like - my DS was alarming in the womb, but pretty great outside it. 2) measuring your bump and growth scans are not accurate, as others have said. Again, they measured me and said DS was mahoosive, but was a fairly reasonable 8lb 10oz.

Sorry if my post is not very clear or doesn't help - basically you are great!

Oh, yes, something takes over - your body suddenly sort of says "Right, this is what's happening, I know what I'm doing" - if you do what your body tells you, you won't go far wrong. If you can eat in early labour, then do so. Keep a stash of cereal bars handy for snacking on.

Meant to say, my friend had her v small dd in hospital, but her much bigger ds at home, and said birth with ds was much better.

Lela, you and dp have struggled together against the odds. And you're still together, still hanging on in there, and still cheerleaders for each other. That's a great sign. Stick with us, missy, and we'll help you through it - birth and beyond. You will be a lovely mother. you'll have bad days, you'll get things wrong, you'll doubt yourself. We all do. It's part of being a parent. But you are such a decent, kind and thoughtful woman - you absolutely have the makings of a fab mother, and you will be GOOD at raising a son. And he will adore you - he'll look up one day and grin, and take your breath away.

Hi Lela, today my HV told me, reading my DD2's large birthweight, 'You're obviously good at pregnancy.' (If only she knew about my first time...).

I thought of you when she said that. The fact that your baby is large for dates means that, despite what you think, your body has been looking after him fine.

Thanks all of you, such a big help.

Having a hard evening, really anxious about never being able to be happy about having a boy, like the rest if my life is ruined.

I dont think I can come off the drugs that make me sleep before the birth because I'd be even more out my mind with anxiety but I'm worried I cant breastfeed safely otherwise, even though its a really low dose.

I'm so scared of life in general right now. thank you so much for caring about me enough t keep posting, this is the hardest part of the whole pregnancy.

I'm on a forum with a group of mostly American ladies. I'm pretty sure some of them took ADs/sleeping tablets in pg or while BF. So I'll post and see what they took. I don't think you necessarily need to remove yourself from them all.

Taking yourself off the drugs was more what you wanted to do rather than a particular push from the medical profession, wasn't it? Which I can completely understand. But its cost-benefit really. The studies may not have been done on those drugs in pg as it would be unethical to do the necessary studies to provide the evidence. But that doesn't mean the drugs aren't safe or that many thousands/millions of women around the world have taken them and not had after effects on the baby. You've got to weigh it up against the toll its taking on you. I know you are trying to do what's best for your wee bab but sometimes the best thing for him is for you to take as good care of yourself as possible - physically, emotionally, mentally and that would include the continuing taking the drugs that are allowing you to maintain a functioning level (ideally sufficient that you're at a level above just merely functioning).

And about not telling him stuff for the sake of the relationship. I don't know...seems like it should almost be the reverse. The relationship will be stronger if you let him into your life fully, warts and all - not hold him at the periphery only letting him see the bits you feel are OK to be seen. I know its hard to trust people, especially given your background - but letting him in will ultimately bring you closer I'd think (and I hope you know I don't mean trust as in the trust him as a bloke, but trust him with your innermost feelings/past/thoughts - bad good whatever - allow him to love you warts and all...and I hope you know I don't mean you're warty ).

XXX

No its been my decision to come off the ads but I cant cope without the ones that help me sleep. I've been so depressed even with the ads I didn't see the point anyway.

I know in myself that I'm not well enough to be here on my own anymore. I'm quite heartbroken, I think is the word that there is no one I can call on for help. Or just to sit with me a wee while.

I dont want to frighten dp by telling him how bad its really got because he cant come home from work and look after me and he's been through enough because of me- its entirely my fault I'm even pregnant. I dont think he could handle this.

Maybe tomorrow is the day I give in and ask to be admitted to hospital. I really don't know.

Lela - it's not entirely your fault you're pregnant. It always, always takes two. No matter what. And it's also not your fault you're ill.

Call the psych again. Tell him what you've told us.