Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

No it really is my fault. The responsibility for this whole mess is entirely mine I'm afraid.

I wish I could just end the pregnancy now without anyone getting hurt. But I'm full term now, so too late.

Am seeing psychiatrist on monday. Have decided if I'm not feeling any better I'd like to be admitted to the mother and baby unit. However, I dont think this will happen unless I say I am suicidal. I'm not planning to kill myself now but I dont think I can actually carry on living if my feelings dont change once the baby is born. If I tell them this then they are going to be breathing down my neck afterwards, when all I want is help now. So its a bit of a catch 22 situation. In my experience, it is pretty imposssible for people to get admitted into psychiatric care unless they are threatning to kill themselves there and then.

Can't believe this is happening to me.

Lela, it is not your fault. It is not.

Well its doesnt even matter now, I've dragged an innocent child into the mess of my life and now I'm paying the price. I thought this was the one thing that would make me happy and now I'm struggling just to be in my own skin. Everywhere I go, baby girls. Its torture. I would really like to have ECT, seriously, if it could change my feelings. If anything could make me want a son, I'd do it.

This is persisitant metal torture, it never goes away.

Oh, lela. Let's just see if we can get you through the weekend for now. We know, rationally, that there's no "fault" here at all, but the fact that you can't see that if part of your illness, and that's very cruel.

Can you print out any of your posts from here to show the psych? Or maybe write stuff down, like you did for the counsellor? Sometimes it's hard to say what you really want to, in a face to face situation.

I will try.

I wish to god dp didn't have the job he does. I need him here. I want to call my sister but I cant bear her attitude to me right now.

I cant go on like this can I.

You don't have to, lela. when the baby is born you won't be carrying your big secret, you won't have pg hormones slushing about, and the baby won't be some randon boy you don't know, but your baby, yours and dp's flesh and blood. He may well look a lot like dp, which I think may help you deal with him.

I'm so sorry you feel so alone. I know it's a poor substitute, but we are here for you.

No you are a huge help believe it or not. There is nowhere else I can admit my real feelings.

The hardest thing sometimes is knowing that if I still didn't know the baby's sex at least the idea that I could be having a girl could have got me through the thought of labour ( I know thats a terrible thing to say), but I had to go and willfully mess my head up like this. Makes me feel like smashing my head off the wall until I pass out.

I also dont want dp to know how bad I am because then he will never agree to trying for another pregnancy, so then I will definately never have a daughter and the only thing that makes this bearable is kidding myself on I might be able to try again. Which is mad because I never really want to be pregnant again as long as i live. I just have to have a daughter, I need to, I cant explain it.

Well, I think at some point in the future you will need to get to grips with why you feel such a powerful need for a daughter - because, even if you could, say, have some kind of implantation that guaranteed a girl, that still doesn't really get to the bottom of why, and I think that in order for you to be properly happy and healthy, it's that which needs to be examined and healed.

I don't know if I'm making sense - I'm worried that it's going to sound like "oh, you want a daughter to make yourself feel better", and I want you to know that I know it's not like that, it's not so simplistic, it's so complicated and painful. But; your desire for a daughter is so caught up in all the pain of your childhood - before you got pregnant you didn't know just how deep this ran, or how painful it would be, and now you do, and it's brutal.

After the baby is born you need to ask the psych for a referral for psychotherapy about this, as he suggested a while ago. This isn't really about the baby you're carrying, but about the weight of expectation and hope you were unconsciously placing on having a girl, and why that is, and how you can deal with it.

Try to set that aside from this baby, and treat him as a new friend, a tiny companion who may well have so much to offer in helping you along this road. And let your dp in - what people say or think in times of pain and stress is not set in stone, it's not forever, and things can change. Don't shut dp out through what-ifs. hang on to the fact that he is a good, decent and rational man who loves you through your worst pain and illness. Let him in, and let him help you through.

Are you still on-line Lela? What are you doing tonight? What are you doing this weekend? I guess you're on your own?

I guess not. My best suggestion for tomorrow assuming you don't have loads to do, is take an i-pod or a walkman for a long walk in nice surroundings, like a riverside, and try not to think too much. Try to take in somewhere you can get a cuppa and a cake. If it was me that would be the best way to try to relax. Get a stack of trashy mags for the evening, or a DVD. Try to be kind to yourself.

You're never alone, we're here, you can ring Samaritans too. Speak soon.

BTW Lela, I asked my group and several of them had been on ADs either during and/or after pregnancy while BF - they are taking Zoloft - which is Sertraline (Lustral??). Their consultants were fine that it was safe for pg.

I think Habbibu's post speaks volumes of sense too. Poppymouse's too about a plan for tomorrow.

Its not giving in to call in for the mother and baby unit either.

XXX Hope you sleep better tonight.

Hi Lela, can't be of much help but I wanted you to know that I totally identify with everything you are saying. This is exactly how I felt in the late stages of my first pregnancy - I desperately wished I could end it but knew I couldn't, and I couldn't bear, as you say, to be in my skin. The only thing that kept me going, too (apart from the idea that I could kill myself after the birth), was the hope of another pregnancy. Despite the utter utter trauma of my first pregnancy, my DP agreed to try again three years later. Habbibu is right, though, about having psychotherapy in between, to help you get things straight.

As you know, I'm still pretty miserable and very anxious. But I promise, I feel nothing like I did in the pregnancy. I function, I love my DCs and I enjoy a lot of things in my life. Most of all, cuddling the DCs.

When I was at my worst, shortly before giving birth, and really dreading it, my best friend said to me, whatever happens, soon things are going to change. It may not be great all at once, but things will not continue as they are. This helped me, because it seemed a modest expectation!

In fact I felt a bit better as soon as the baby was born. She kept me busy and I felt very protective of her, as you do of your son. Also, I went out for a drink for an hour without her (to the pub just 2 mins down the road!) about 10 days after she was born, leaving her with DP. The relief I felt, just being separate from her for 60 minutes, was enormous. Soon you and your lovely baby will be two separate things. Don't think of him as the baby you always wanted/the failed answer to happiness/the end of your chances/proof of your unworthiness or whatever. Just think you have a lovely (I'm sure he will be) little baby in your house to look after at the moment, and maybe your life's fulfilment will lie with him, maybe it won't, right now that doesn't matter. Think about your potential next pregnancy. Think about your relationship with DP. Think about your job/decorating your house/whatever - just try and take your mind off it for very short periods and see what happens to your relationship with DS while you're not looking, if you see what I mean.

I got through it alive with a child I love and I believe you will too.

.

Thanks so much. Jane it really does help to hear from someone who has been through as bad a pregnancy as this. And habbibu yes I will be having psychotherapy, but I could already tell you exactly why I want a daughter in minute detail. I just wish I didn't.

I'm not of an age where I can take another pregnancy for granted, and then obviously I risk having another boy so its all very scarey.

Someone likened me telling dp we're having a boy to letting him see the wrapping on his xmas present and its such a good analogy. I feel like in the run up to xmas I knew I was getting either something I had wanted deserately my whole life, or something I really wouldn't know what to do with and would struggle to actually like or enjoy. Wondering which it was was eating me up, and to make matters worse, ppl kept telling me they could see throught the wrapping paper and tell it was the thing I was dreading receiving. I started to feel tormented by this so one night I peeled back a bit of the wrapping paper and there it was. I will never forget my reaction when I realised what was really happening, how my legs collapsed from under me and wouldn't stop shaking as I lay awake all night consumed with fear and dread and grief far worse than I could ever have imagined.

My dp doesn't know what he is getting for xmas, but he will be happy with either kind of present, and I so want to see his face when his is opened and he gets the amazing surprise he deserves because he had the grace and the self control not to go interfering with his wrapping before the big day.

Some of the people close to me aren't getting any presents this xmas and though they kind of try to hide it, they are full of resentment that I am getting anything at all and would be sickened to know that I am feeling so devastated with mine. Everyone knows you should be grateful for whatever is given to you and only bad people get upset over things like this.

The thing about this xmas eve is that in order to open my present on the big day I have to go through a day of physical torture. Most people dont mind too much because they just cant wait to see what they are getting or even if they already know they just want to rip that present open and love it forever. For me though, its just a day (or more) of torture as I cant feel anything positive about the end result. So now I'm really, really frightened.

I don't even want it to be xmas anymore. I want to give my present back and hope that maybe next year I will get something else. But I will probably never be allowed any more presents in the future because I've been so ungrateful for this one.

I wish we could help you to get past this conviction that you are bad and undeserving and I still feel that this is a nasty trick that your past is playing on you, turning things round on you to undermine your happiness, rather than you actually being a bad person.

You say only a bad person would get upset over things like this, but it is difficult to control our emotions at times, especially in pregnancy. But a bad person wouldn't see it that way, would they? They would be convinced they were justified in the way they felt and they might even take it out on the child. But in your right mind, you don't want to feel like this.

It's like when I felt guilty for fainting in hospital, I thought the midwives must think I was just making a big fuss and being a drama queen. When I apologised one of the midwives looked at me like I was mad and said "you didn't deliberately lower your blood pressure, that's not possible - it just happened, it's a symptom".

I know you are adamant that your feelings are not a symptom of depression but the cause, but try looking at it from the other perspective, even if it's just an experiment to pass the time and see if you can make life more bearable for a while. If you were bad you wouldn't have been putting yourself through this to protect your sona dn your DH, you wouldn't have cared how it affected them.

In the end of the day it doesn't really matter- the cause, how I'm handling it, anything. I don't want a son, I want a daughter, I've had over 3 and a half months to try and get my head round it and I still feel exactly the same, except now I'm also TERRIFIED of the birth. I'd rather do anything other than go through that now, I cant describe the feelings I have about it.

Just had a relative round, someone who was abandoned at birth by their mother. She said I'll never understand how anyone could leave their own child. And all I could think is how I'll be leaving mine. I dont want to bring up a son, every baby boy to young man I see leaves me cold and I don't want one in my life. I love little girls, thats the future I can cope with living in.

I want to give my child a name I actually like, to enjoy their upbringing, enjoy the things I can do with them, not have to pretend all the time that I didn't wish they were different. My mum didnt really want me and I would have been so much better off without her.

So there's only one way out, and nowhere else for me to go after the birth.

This relative also banged on about how wonderful it is not knowing your baby's sex before their birth- "it's all part of the magic" apparently.

I seriously, seriously, just want to die.

OK, slow down. Let's get through tonight and tomorrow. You are seeing the psych on Monday, and that will give you some direction, quite possibly the m&b unit, which will stop you being so alone. So just focus on getting to that appointment.

And pfft, triple pfft to all part of the bloody magic. It ISN'T. Thousands of people find out their baby's sex before birth - is birth any less magical for that? I asked too late with dd, and chickened out with ds (sonographer was being v brisk and efficient). It would not have made me love them any less, nor have got round to choosing names any sooner!

And let's think not about baby boys or young men. Just focus on your dp, who brings the "maleness" to your child. Think about what you like about him - you've described him as quite "manly" and yet gentle - there are clearly qualities in maleness that appeal to you, so hold on to that knowledge. you don't need to apply it to the baby yet, just calmly think about your dp, what he does to make you smile, what he looks like, the sound of his voice, etc. Focus on those things, and simply let that acceptance of one particular male person, your dp, sink in. And no more. Just that. See if that at least brings you a smile and some peace for now.

thanks I'm dying for him to call, I feel like i need to be honest for once, not about having a boy (not over the phone when I'm this distressed) but about how ill i am getting.

Was thinking all week that if i get admitted to hospital I wont let onto him, just pretend I'm at home. He always calls me on the mobile anyway so he wouldnt have to know where i was.

but right now i just need to speak to him and get through the night.

sorry, sorry for being like this and not having anyone else to talk to.

And Lela - you are NOT your mother. She is not the woman you are, she has not your kindness, your sensitivity, your wisdom or your courage. You will be a wonderful mother, and your baby is lucky to have you. I know you don't believe this, I know you're rolling your eyes at me. But it doesn't make it any less true.

There is another road for you to follow. It's the one that others on these threads, like Jane and BeerTricks have been down, and it's hard and scary. But you've been down the hard and scary road for so much longer than you thought you'd be able to already and you are STILL HERE. That tells us - and should tell you - so much about your extraordinary strength and tenacity.

I know you think that rationale behind your pain doesn't matter, and I'm not dismissing what you've said, but I think it's key - you are, in health, a very sensible and intelligent, rational woman, and this reaction is rooted in so much pain for you that it's something you know is fundamentally not part of the sane, bright, thoughtful woman you are - it's other, it's created by pain and it can be dismantled and destroyed, given time and help.

Lela - he needs to know where you are. he needs to know where to find you. You love him and you need to trust that he will still love you even when he knows how ill you are. Tell him that you're thinking of being admitted, tell him that you need more help and you know that the unit is a good place to find it. These are not the thoughts of some crazy lady, they are the measured plans of a woman who is ill and doing what she can to get better,

And, oh god, lela - don't you EVER be sorry for talking to us like this, y'hear? You have nothing to be sorry for - am glad to just chat to you, and wish I could do more. You really are fab, you know? And I'm a grumpy old cow who doesn't like people much.

Hope you're talking to him now. Will check in tomorrow. Try to get some sleep.

Hey lela - my dad and stepmum are here from abroad so not posting much but still reading your thread.

You've come so far - before you know it you will have your little baby in your arms and how you will feel then no one knows yet.

quite possibly better than now or with a spark of love and protection inside you for this helpless little thing that looks at you and asks for your love.

Hang in there xx

I talked to dp last night and it was really harrowing. At one point he told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and I just lost it and told him I dont want to be here anymore. I never wanted to tell him that but to have my feelings, this illness, reduced to self pity is just what my family would do and it pushed too many buttons. He tried to get me to promise that I wont do anything "stupid" after the birth, but i cant because I don't believe it is stupid, i believe a child is better off without a mother who is unable to love them properly.

He called back first thing this morning and said please please call your sister or your best friend and be honest and had a go at me for not being honest with the psych in the past, which is not strictly true. The problem is that he believes if I tell people how I'm feeling they will be able to help me and I know thats not the case at all.

I feel bad for him because he has no one to talk to about this as I am so ashamed I dont wnat anyone like hs family to know how much I am struggling.

I would love to call my sister but I cant. I need someone more than ever in my life and no one is here. So, I will try to tell the psych the truth tomorrow and see what happens. Just need to get through today somehow.

You do not know that you will be unable to love your child properly. Your illness is clouding rational thinking. You may surprise yourself at what you feel after the birth.....for now though try and be a little kind to yourself and accept that it is not 'wrong' or 'bad' to feel the way you do. You are scared and desperate and I felt VERY scared and desperate during my first pregnancy, If I could get through it I truly believe that you can too in time feel far more at peace with the situation and more stable.

Can you write down today what you want to tell the psych tomorrow? Can you persuade yourself to go out for a walk or swim or something today?

I feel very at a loss of what to say that will help, I know I keep saying this but I and many others have got through this and hope that this gives you some comfort.

How are you coping Lela? What are you doing today? What have you not told the psych that you have told us? Please print some pages you from the thread so you can show your psych, just in case you chicken out - it is really important. You could just hand over some paper and not utter a word. Sorry DH was not supportive, perhaps he thought he was saying what he said for the best. Remember you have had good days and you will have many more, and you have no idea how you will feel once you have the baby. You could formula feed and take all the AD's you need, it might not be what you want but it wouldn't be the end of the world (I was formula fed and I seem to have come out of it okay).

Maybe people will be able to help you if they know everything, they wont' be able to take all the hurt and the worry away immediately, but it might help get you into a M&B unit.