Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

Kind of at the end of my tether here-now EXTREMELY sleep deprived and would really value some advice: What exactly do you do with a small baby day to day? I mean in between the baby groups and having coffees with other mums etc, I do all that.

I mean when you are at home just the two of you? I read to him , sing to him, try and play with toys (he's not really interested) but he still seems bored and whinges if I leave him alone, unless the tv is on and I dont want to just dump him in front of that all the time?

I know they dont need to be constantly stimulated but when they do how do you keep them happy? I am worn out and cant take the whingeing sometimes.

What is your routine, how do you get through the days with a 4 month old, who will not sleep during the day unless in the car or pram meaning I can do nothing for myself).

Any help hugely appreciated I am cracking up here.

Lela - am making dinner, so will be back later, but this would be a good topic for a thread on its own - you'll get advice from people with children the same age right now - I can't remember half of what I did. But why don't you post in parenting or something about daily routine with 4mo? Might be really helpful.

Agree with Habbibu - Lela if you get time to start a new thread on this (maybe just copy and paste your post above) I'll certainly jump on!

Its really funny you should say that as I was thinking today about starting a new thread trying to be more positive- with a name change as well as i am starting to feel quite exposed by his one as i have given away too much personal information I think.

Just had a meltdown as I tried to put ds in his sling to get to shops so that just for once i could have dinner ready for dp when he came home (trying to improve our realtionship haha). Dp got hysterical for no apparent reason, I am too tired to cope and actually ended up calling samaritans because I was scared of what I might do to myself and had no idea where else to turn.

The saddest thing of all is I literally cannot remember why I ever wanted a child, I cannot think why it was so incredibly important to me or what I thought would be more enjoyable about this than having my time and my life to myself, only having to worry about myself. I think I had some ridiculous romantic ideas about having a special bond, giving all this love I thought I had inside me, being loved stuff I never had in my own family. I should have known a depressive insomniac really wasn't going to cope.

I have tried so so so hard to have a good day today- I took him out, played, sang, read etc all afternoon. Wanted to have him bathed and ready for bed with dinner on when dp came home. He came back froma really hard day himself to find me rocking back and forth like a maniac barely able to speak. He is now bathing ds who is giggling and smling away for him. I feel like a complete and utter piece of shit and all I want is out of this situation.

ds got hysterical in the sling, not dp btw- hope that was obvious

I have a suggestion - start a thread about 4 month olds or whatever else under a new name, and if you need to have a safety valve with people who know your story, start a new thread in Off the Beaten Track, and PM those people who you'd like as your cheer squad with a link.

It breaks my heart to see you beat yourself up over things that we all do. DH has come home to me in a right state more times than I care to count, and had the kids laughing instantly. And days you plan and work so hard for only to end up wibbling on the floor? Oh, god yes. You are not a crap mother or woman at all, you've just lost the ability to rationalise what's happening to you as really quite normal , but instead heap the blame on yourself. You poor old love. Deep breath, give dp a hug and keep moving forwards. And badger that psych - if you can't rely on her, she really should help you find someone you can rely on.

And don't you doubt the love you have inside you. It shines through your posts all the time, believe me.

lelarose it is still incredibly early days. I know that when my DD was 4 months it felt like it was going on for ever and some days seemed like a year but honestly it will get better once he can sit up and play, I think around six months is a big turning point as they get far more interesting and when they start eating that takes up a bit more of the day and gives you both something else to do.

I sometimes have found the worst days are the ones where I set out to make it a good day then end up feeling I've failed. I've practically thrown DD at DP when he's got home. Other times I've adopted a grim 'just need to survive the day' mentality and my low expectations have led to a better day.

You will also find it much easier in the summer. If I ever have another baby (not likely at the moment!) I will aim not to have it in the autumn as the first winter stuck in with a newborn is horrendous.

I feel that my expectations of myself as a mother were wildly unrealistic and i feel really inadequate but hopefully we'll be better as they get older.

You are right in the middle of the hardest bit and I promise it gets much better. DD is 15 months now and running around and starting to talk, it's so different, and you will be having a completely different experience of parenting a year, even three months from now. little babies are boring and if they don't sleep well it is torture.

Going back to work has been a godsend for me despite a stressful and difficult job. I love handing her over to nursery!

Hi Lela

How are you doing today?

Hi there, am bit anxious tonight but kind of ok.

Became very unwell on tuesday night and eventually called the psychiatric crisis team as was very very scared. Kind of hit rock bottom, but upshot is I am getting some help, appointments have made for me today and tomorrow.

Cant say too much more here right now as feeling a bit vulnerable to talk "publicly".

Thanks for asking habbibu, you are very kind indeed.

I'm glad you're getting help. Thinking of you, and will keep checking in.

Really struggling today. Have been up literally all night- first because I couldn't sleep then ds had me up rest of night.

My levels of anxiety are directly linked to how much sleep I can get, so me and dp were going to try and work on his sleeping pattern this week, on advice from a lady from the mother and baby unit who very kindly came out to see me last week about this issue. She said not to try and do it alone but to have around to support me but I dont think this is going to be possible now due to his work.

I have a list of important things I really have to do today and also have a decision to make, but I cant do anything because I am so so sleep deprived I am just sat staring at the tv while ds is lying on his play mat. Its a beautiful day but I cant move to get out. There is no one who can help me out.

I feel pathetic complaining about lack of sleep when I have small baby- i know everyone goes through it, but its been the whole night and I am also on the point of being admitted to the mother and baby unit- I saw psychiatrist last week and had a look round it, I can be admitted if I so choose now, but I thought yesterday (after good nights sleep) that I could beat this without it coming to that.

I just cannot cope with this level of sleep deprovation, its like everything has just caved in today.

It's a vicious cycle, isn't it? You don't sleep, so you don't feeli like you're getting anywhere, so you get more anxious, so you sleep even less... It's horrible, and you've every right to feel rotten. It isn't the same as normal new baby sleep deprivation, so please don't call yourself pathetic - I'm kind of chronically sleep deprived atm because of ds, but I do sleep well when I get the chance, and that's the fundamental difference between what everyone goes through in general, and what you're going through.

I don't think there's anything to be gained by beating this in a more difficult way than you have to. I absolutely understand that there's a psychological leap to be made before you can choose to have yourself admitted, but if you feel that having constant support without any requirement of emotional or any other reciprocation from you would really help you start to feel better, then it's certainly not something you should dismiss because you feel somehow you should be able to do without. What are the pros and cons?

Hi Lela,
Sorry you're having a bad day... didn't want your post to be unanswered.

I really sympathise with lack of sleep, I think some people who can get by on very little don't really understand how debilitating it is and how much it messes with your mental state.

Don't really know what to suggest to be honest, just try and have a quiet day, can you put off your tasks/decisions until another day? Would a sleep nanny (or whatever they're called) help if you'd be in a position to hire one? Sorry I can't offer anything more helpful.

Hope you get some rest and please don't say "i know everyone goes through it" as if you ought to be able to cope - some people are just better on little sleep and some aren't - simple as that.

Please take care of yourself.

lela I haven't posted on your thread for a while now, but just wanted to say I still think of you.

Like you I found the sleep deprivation totally unbearable. It did really send me in a downhill spiral.

The good thing about being admitted for me, was the fact there were night nurses who did the night feeds. Even though I still felt terrible and had insomnia, the relief of having staff who could look after DD during the night was immense. As you get better, you can do more and more of the baby's care. But you don't have to do it until you are in a better state.

If that door has been opened to you, I would seriously consider it. I know it feels like a defeat, but try to see it as a positive step on the road to getting better. x

Thank you all for your kind posts.

I can see that if I were you I would probably be saying just get admitted and get the help. I would never, ever judge or think badly of anyone else for doing so or anything like that.

Why am I so reluctant? Well, I guess firstly my hatred of hospital environments- they have tried to make the place nice but its still essentially just like a hospital and I don't know if just being in one will keep me feeling depressed and like shit about myself. And mainly because well, my whole entire life has been blighted by mental health problems- my parents, my siblings and my own. I dreamed of having my own family, was obsessed with having a baby all these years, thought the main reason I was depressed in the past was because I had convinced myself that I would never be able to. Having my child should have been a fresh start in my life, a way to some kind of happiness at long long last. This was my ambition and already the pregnancy and the birth were a bloody mess, i dont know if I can face ending up in psychiatric care with my son.

Getdown I am worried in case I offend you or something by saying all this, but please believe me its not about there being anything wrong with going into a mother and baby unit at all, its just I cant believe I'm such a fuck up that I wanted this so badly and now its come to this. How is your new pregnancy gong btw? I am so thrilled for you, to think how far you must have come to be having another baby- its just great. If you dont mind me asking, what was it that eventually made you decide to get admitted when you were unwell?

Hi lela you haven't offended me at all!! I just wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that everything is going to be ok. I know it's so hard to believe that when you are so low, but believe me I have been there!

I know what you mean about hatred of hospitals - me too. I'm not saying it was like a holiday being in there - it was not pleasant exactly - but just the relief from stuff like looking after the house, night feeds, all that extra burden was lifted. Also having staff on hand 24 hours a day, meant that if you really started to go downhill, there was always someone there. You were never on your own. The staff were actually amazing - very very experienced. I thought I would be the worst case they'd ever seen, but they were not shocked or horrified by me, as I'd feared. They just kept telling me I would be ok - of the hundreds and hundreds of women who'd passed through their doors, EVERY single one of them had got better.

Also they are not like a normal hospital ward. The one I was in was decorated in a very "homely" way - with home-type beds (not hospital beds) and I had my own room, with my own sink. Just being able to wash my face, brush my teeth in privacy was a comfort.

I understand what you are saying about feeling this should have been the culmination of all your hopes and dreams - having a baby was something I really looked forward to as well all my life. The truth is, the first year is FLIPPING HARD. It came as a shock to me that I wasn't a "natural mother" - I found it very hard to play with my baby, I found it difficult to use words like "darling" and "sweetheart" in relation to her and I was very ashamed about that. However, THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW. Getting through that first year, it was like that fog started to lift, and I began to become that mummy that I'd always wanted to be. And gradually the bond developed, and now I love being a mummy so much. It is frustrating, maddening, and exhausting, but also hilarious, heart-warming and fulfilling. I wouldn't swap my life with anyone, even given everything I have been through.

In terms of what eventually made me decide to get admitted? Well, I don't think I really did "decide" to be honest. I just got to the point of such exhaustion and despair that I couldn't really make any decisions, and I think it was pretty obvious to all concerned that home was not the safest place for me anymore. So I went for a "tour" of the unit, and at the end of the tour was basically told I was there to stay. It didn't really matter, because being at home or being there, I felt terrible. At least there I got support.

Thanks re. the new pregnancy. It is daunting and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of all that may be ahead of me. However, I have learnt so so much since those dark days. And I know that there is a way through, I will get better, and life on the "other side" is so worth holding on for. The pregnancy is going well thanks (I hope!) am 11 weeks now, and have had no medication whatsoever! Which I am taking as an achievement!!!

I think, lela, that bleak as you feel, you've missed out the one crucial point in your assessment - despite all the pain, and the crapness of your family and childhood, and the sadness over gender you have produced a beautiful healthy boy whom you love and look after really well. You are not managing to look after yourself as well as you'd like, but your boy is fed, warm, clean and cared for. That is a brilliant achievement against the odds, and as time goes on, that's the bit that matters - the pregnancy, the birth, the stress of the first year - it all fades, but your loving bond with your son is there, even though you worry and stress and have lots of issues to work through about having a boy.

I can see why your particular situation makes you so reluctant - as if going into to M&B unit is kind of like saying that no progress has been made in your life, and I can understand why it seems like it to you. But that doesn't make it true, either - you are not your own mother, you are loving and caring and kind, and you have consistently taken the path of what is best for your son - you may not think so, I know, because of things like feeding, but your son needs a mother who can sleep and function far far more than he needs exclusive or any breastfeeding, and you have again made the right choice for him. So the M&B unit may again be the right choice for your son - an environment where you and he can work towards getting to know each other better, finding patterns and habits that suit you both, and that you can carry on.

GetDown's post is very wise, and it just shows you how many people on here and in RL who are wonderful, wise women and mothers faced and overcame similar struggles to yours. And you can and will be that woman, in years to come, posting support and hope to other struggling new mothers.

GetDown - congratulations - I'm delighted for you!

If going into the M&B Unit would get ds sleeping through the night then I think I would do it, but thats not really what they are there for, I think I have to do that myself and go steadily even more nuts in the process.

Thank you Getdown-one of the things that stuck out most to me was that they had hospital beds in the rooms, don't know why it just felt horrible.

I was in a supermarket today and they had walls and walls of little girls clothes, it hit me harder than it has in a while to see them all.

habbibu- thank you so much. I am proud of how I have managed to avoid ds being too affected by my mental state so far. Independently of each other on different occaisions, I have had the doctor, health visitor, psychologist, CPN and various other people say how happy, alert and advanced for his age etc he seems. I put in the effort to act cheerful with him, but I am really struggling to do this now with so little sleep. I dread the toddler stage if I am still depressed and not sleeping well. I am just so frustrated I cant shake this depression and come to terms with just having a son.

I hate depression so much I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy and if my ds ever inherits it I will be devastated.

No, I don't think they would get your ds sleeping through the night (if so, I'd give you my DS to take with you), but they would give you time and space and support - a kind of respite from all the struggling and aloneness. I think you're in a tailspin because it just all seems so relentless, and need to find time and space to just breathe - and to sleep.

Can you write a list of pros and cons, and maybe post it here, so that people with experience of M&B units can talk some of them through with you.

No matter what happens with your ds and what he inherits, lela, he will be in a much stronger position than you were, because he has you and your love and guts and resilience - he'll always have you looking out for him, being on his side and being the mum he loves and needs. You can't control what genetics does but you can and have, against so many odds, provided a happy and loving home for this boy. you have so much strength, thoigh I know it doesn't feel like it much.

Hi Lela - just checking in to see how you're doing.

Hello my friend- your last post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. Am still weighing up pros and cons as you suggested, am going to speak to my shrink with dp on Friday and will let you know I get on. Hope you are well x

Am fine, thanks - ds slept 6 hours straight from 10-4 last night which is a first, and I feel amazing. Obviously I've cursed tonight by posting this... I walked the legs off him yesterday, which may have helped.

Hope Friday brings you some focus and decisions, lela. I'm glad dp is going with you.