Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

I can't say it any better than Habbibu so I'm going to quote her in bold, please keep her words close to you, especially when you see the psychiatrist tomorrow with DP you are not your own mother, you are loving and caring and kind, and you have consistently taken the path of what is best for your son.
On a practical note of what to do with a 4 month year old who doesn't like to be put down, I found the FisherPrice Jumperoo

here a godsend. You might be able to get a pre-loved one on ebay. I used to have mine in the kitchen and would put DS in it for 20 minutes at a time, then play with him, gradually I could make dinner in steps. Also I had a Mai Tai type sling and I would tie him onto my left side, turn so I was side on to the cooker and cook with my right hand.
All the best for tomorrow, thinking of you..

Going to bed now, lela, but just wanted to say I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can.

Hope all went ok, Lela. Thinking of you.

Hope you are ok Lela? Just wondering how things went on Friday, and hoping seeing the psychiatrist has helped you come up with a plan you feel comfortable with.

Hope you are ok lela

Hi there, I am fine thank you so much for asking.

Am still at home, offer of M&B unit alone has lifted a bit of pressure for me, just taking one day at a time.

Lovely of you to be thinking of me, you never cease to amaze me with your kindness xx

Glad to hear from you, lela. Take it easy, and talk whenever you need to. You're an easy person to be thinking of - you bring kindness on yourself.

Just checking in to say hi, lela. Hope you're ok.

Hi there. Am ok. Have finally taken her advice and started tackling my childhood with psychologist, and can see pennies dropping for her iyswim.

Comfort eating like you would not believe and feeling very fat and ugly.

How are you? how is your ds sleeping? xx

Oh, good - must be hard for you, but well worth it in the end. I do wonder - and I think we talked about it earlier - whether this is in a way ds's "gift" to you - maybe if you'd had a girl this all would have stayed under the surface, but still needed to come out, and doing it now while he's so tiny is probably easier - at least in terms of his needs from you, iyswim? Sorry if I'm talking nonsense.

Don't worry about eating atm - make sure you have the good stuff alongside to keep healthy, though, and get yourself off for a haircut/manicure etc when you get a chance, just to give yourself a treat if you can - think a little image treat helps from time to time.

ds asleep atm - still has never yet slept a night - wee bugger did 10-4 3 nights running last week and we thought he was on to something - alas no! But he's cracking - on fine form and funny as anything. I do love this age (17mo) - tiring but rewarding, as this real little personality emerges. He's getting really into books - insists on lying on Aliens Love Underpants to fall asleep.

Something to make you laugh from dd - wrote this on blog for grandparents:

dd has recently become more TV obsessed. This is largely due to the Octonauts and our resolve being weakened by sleep deprivation. A recent conversation in the car is rather indicative, and worth recording for posterity:

dd (apropos of nothing, if I recall correctly). "Children need television to relax. grown-ups don't"
dh and I, in lax-parent-guilt mode: "Well, there are lots of other things you can do to relax, like read books or play with your toys"
dd, after a short pause "But Mummy, what if all the toys and books and everything was broken, and only the TV was left?"
Me: "well, um - we would write you a book" (triumphant)
dd: "No, Mummy - all the houses and everything is broken"
Me (increasingly wondering where this is going) "Well, in that case, we would go out and help the people rebuild their houses"
dd, now very amused with herself "No, Mummy - the people are all broken too".

There follows a short pause while we contemplate this apocalyptic scenario, in which all lies devastated, save one television, standing amidst the rubble, miraculously still showing Octonauts, plus one 4 year old glued to it.

Me, attempting to rescue the situation "But we would be sad if our friends were all broken".
dd, witheringly "Oh, Mummy. Our friends would not be broken"
Me. "Oh. Well, we could go and play with them, then".

dd sits back at this point, satisfied. "Yes, mummy. That's what I was trying to get you to say".

Hi Lelarose I am a few years down the line from you but with a similar experience

I had a difficult and at times abusive childhood. I had denied and buried it until the day my ds was born five years ago. I had subconsciously dreamed of having a girl all throughout the pregnancy and imagined all the lovely mother/daughter times we would have and how it would make up for the lack of a mother in my own life

I too had a traumatic birth and when they handed ds to me, I loved him but something was triggered deep inside me and I felt very depressed. At times when he cried and cried I wanted to go to sleep in the river behind our house

Somehow I just couldn't relate his maleness to the experiences I had had and to what I needed myself. I sought therapy and began to unravel my childhood and what it meant.

My ds is five now and I am depression free. He is the light of my life and now that he is more of a person I can really see how our relationship is developing. Tonight we chilled in a nice deep bath together and reflected on the days happenings (he is deep like me!). Every day I thank him with all my heart because he made me face up to the past and I could find my true self and start to live rather than being opressed under the legacy of a terrible childhood.

I have read your thread and so much resonates with me and you sound like a fighter to have come this far. Do not underestimate how much your childhood has been a cause in your depression and gender preference. Do not be ashamed, there are many who have felt like this but you are brave enough to admit it to yourself - you have incredible insight

It can be done lela, I am happier than I have ever been but at one time I was so, so low that I thought I was going to breakdown.

Have you read any of Alice Miller's stuff? Very good about the link between childhood and depression.

Thinking of you as you keep on your journey and how lucky your ds is to have a mum who wants to fight to give him the best

What a lovely post, lysithia.

Yes thank you lysithia, you have given me a bit of hope. So few people admit to the gender preference thing it makes it so much worse feeling like you are the only "bad", "ungrateful" person that feels this way.

I have also thought what you said, habbibu about ds coming into my life to make me finally sort things out. However, I have very mixed feelings about going through all the childhood stuff again. I will do it, as I will do anything to try and beat this, but I find it very hard to take that I have got to this age and have my own family and am still having to harp on about the past. You may not recall but when I was pregnant I saw a counsellor and wrote her a long letter trying to explain what it was like for me when I was growing up. She told me she found it very upsetting to read. Nothing was really resolved by doing this, and I have not seen this woman since I had ds as I was referred to the hospital psychologist just before the birth. The counsellor still has this letter and I am not very comfortable with that.

Do you think she will have kept it or thrown it away after she stopped seeing me? If she kept it, do you think it would be wierd if I contacted her and asked her to send it on to me?

Just want to boast a bit and say my son is actually heartbreakingly beautiful, and very good natured- I'm just watching him on his playmat babbbling to himself and concentrating intently on his toys. The woman from the M&B Unit came out again this week and she says he seems happy and well attached to me so at least I havent completely messed things up so far.

Gosh, no, not weird at all. I'd definitely contact her and ask for it back - it took a lot for you to write that. And yes, I absolutely do see that it's an added cruelty from your childhood to have to go over and over it again - it may well be necessary, but that does not at all make it pleasant.

Your son sounds ace - you are such a fab mother, and you're doing it against all the odds. Be really proud of yourself, lela. you're already defeating your childhood - and the evidence is right there in your wee boy.

I got in touch with the counsellor and she is sending me the letter.

I am sat here on my own and kind of losing the plot. I am very upset about something which I have tried to share with dp and my best friend and they both think Im just being silly- it's the kind of "oh here we go, she's upset about something else now" type response (I deserve it but doesn't make it any easier to take.)

I am fully aware of how pathetic this sounds after all the other shit I have been through but I need to share it somewhere, so please, please dont judge me even if you think I'm being ridiculous, because this matters to me.

I really regret ds's name. Like, properly, deeply regret it. I had a lot of difficulty finding a boy's name I liked, but there were 2 others I could have called him, although dp wasnt really into the other two. So we settled on this name, but unfortuneately, as I dont really know many kids or have had reason to have anything much to do with them before now, I had no idea that this is a VERY common name in this part of the country.

Had I known this, I would never have used it, as I always, always wanted my child to have a slightly unusual name. I used to read the baby names threads on this site and think that the people who harped on about names being too popular were a bit stuck up, but now I really get it. Because quite literally every baby group I have been to has had another child in it with the same name and nearly everyone I tell his name to says "oh I have a nephew/ friend's child/ son called that" and its upsetting me more and more.

Why am I whingeing about this on a mental health thread? Because to me this is just another example of how stupid I am, how I always make bad choices and how I have let myself down. Even the fact that I'm so upset about it upsets me iyswim- it seems so stupid. I cant stop thinking about it and I would love to change his name, but cant because dp wont agree to it and frankly I'd also be far too embarassed. However I am now starting to hate his name and this is making the whole having a boy thing worse yet again.

I am mentally crucifying myself over this. My psych says its just obsessional thinking, but I cant get past it no matter how I try to rationalise it. Its just another part of my dream of what having a child would be like has crumbled- I couldn't even give him a name I was proud of. It makes me feel physically sick that I cant put this right. I even find myself calling him the name I wish I'd used when I'm alone with him. I know, I know, I know how stupid this must sound to anyone who hasn't had these type of feelings so feel free to ignore me.

Sorry just had to get that out.

I am so full of self loathing right now I am having to stop myself from thinking about harming myself, just anything to make these thoughts stop. I was out on my own today and didn;t want to come home because I cant hide this from dp and he thinks I'm being ridiculous. I cant lok at my son without feeling horrible about it. Have tried so hard to stop thinking about it but cant. Really hate myself. Sorry am rambling and this all sound s so stupid but it really is the final straw I've had enough now.

Hi lela I don't think it's stupid for having feelings of regret about DS's name. If you look at the baby names thread, there are lots of people who have second thoughts about their choice of child's name. It does not make you ridiculous or a bad person. It is not too late to change it if that is what you really want - but is it what you really want? It does sound like obsessional thinking creeping back in, like your counsellor said. Like your anxiety is latching on to something, just like it did to the fact you were having a boy during your pregnancy. So maybe changing the name would not really get to the heart of the problem?

You say you don't like it partly because it is very popular - well firstly I would say, that probably means it is a very nice name. It wouldn't be popular otherwise. And secondly, you could choose a nickname or shorten it, if you wanted to make it more specific to your DS? Is there a nickname you could make out of his name?

Several things ring bells with me, which indicate this is not actually about the name at all, but that you are actually still ill with depression - "self-loathing", "thinking about harming myself" "really hate myself" "sounds so stupid". These are classic thoughts of severe depression.

Have you thought any more about the M&B unit?

Thanks for responding I'm really upset here.

I know exactly what you are saying and yes I am very depressed anyway but my feelings about the name are genuine. The reason I wont change it is sheer embarassment. I just want to turn the clock back and call him something else. I bitterly regret what we did call him and things like that are very important to me. No one will take me seriously and even if they did what can they possibly do to help?

I have thought about the MBU but cant face being in a hospital, I feel I am better being this miserable in my own home. I feel the fact of being there alone could make me even worse.

Saying that right now I am feeling quite suicidal. I dont love my child enough, I dont want to be a mother anymore and I have nowhere to turn. I cant kill myself but I do want out.

It doesn't even suit him, thats one of the most painful things about it.

What am I doing pouring my heart out on the internet? I freak myself out thinking about sometimes, I am so sad and isolated. I wanted a family in order to stop feeling so alone and yet I am dong this because I have no one who I can turn to who wont treat me like an idiot.

I cant stand to be in my own skin right now. I have very reluctantly text my best friend and told her I need help I cant contact dp he doesnt understand) but I know shes out and may not be able to respond and I feel terrible for bothering her but this is out of control now i dont feel right at at all.

Lelarose Im so sorry that you are feeling so sad.

Is there anyone you can talk to? Where is DH? I'm sure if he knew how you were feeling he would try to help. The same goes for your friend.

I really think you need to contact someone Lela, you will feel so much better if you talk to someone. Could you contact the MB unit?

My dp is 2 hours drive away visitig friends, having a hard time himself and thoroughly sick of my problems.

I dont want some mental health professional talking to me like I'm a tiresome child, last time I called them the woman just kept asking me what I wanted her to do about it and could only suggest i come and get asessed, which means they will ask me if I'm going to kill myself, i will say no and that will be that.

I'm so sorry Lela, I wish I could come round and give you a massive hug, I really do. You shouldn't have to feel like you do, it is so unfair.

Is your DS asleep? I hope so, I bet he looks so beautiful when he asleep. .

I dont want him growing up with me as a mother.