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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

How would you respond?

38 replies

Salukigirl · 20/11/2015 23:21

I received a letter today from the daughter who lives next door (think she's about 21/22).
Our walls are very thin and we can hear everything that goes on in the next room. Her bedroom is next to our bedroom. Her complaint is that at weekends we wake her up when the "whole family " (me, DH and DS) gather in our bedroom and shriek, laugh, sing and generally make noise. This wakes her up. She says she likes to lie in at the weekend as she's up at 6am everyday in the week. (We are well aware of this as she wakes us up!). The final straw apparently was last weekend as she'd not gone to bed until 2am and we woke her up at 7.30am! She has asked us to be more considerate and not make so much noise so early in the morning.

My initial response is to tell her to eff right off. Tell her she's very lucky it's 7.30am and not 5.30am like most toddlers I know! Also to tell her to make the most of the relative peace at the moment as DS2 will be arriving in February!!

Alternatively I'm thinking about not responding at all and just ignoring her. I'm not changing anything just so she can lie in with a hangover! They have a 4 bedroom house so she could go and sleep in another room if it bothers her so much.

We have history with the parents also being very intolerant and writing us letters to complain about our dog barking in the past.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 20/11/2015 23:24

Ignore but perhaps try being slightly quieter until say, 8am?

I too would be tempted to tell her to fuck off but as the family have form for sending notes etc I just don't think it would be worth going down that route. They'd probably try to get an ASBO slapped on you or something.

Original poster
Salukigirl · 21/11/2015 06:46

Ha ha ha! I'd like to see them try!!!

How do you keep a toddler quiet.?

OP posts:
GloriaHotcakes · 21/11/2015 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PandasRock · 21/11/2015 07:07

You presumably have more than one bedroom too. Why can't you all gather in your toddlers room to do the shrieking (not acceptable at any time of the morning, really) and singing?

Or how about encouraging a quieter get together, such as reading books?

Yes, small chdren wake early. That does not mean they should be waking everyone around them. Time to start teaching your toddler some consideration and manners (and remember yours too)

takeapictureframe · 21/11/2015 07:12

I completely agree with others. I think your huffy response about her being 'lucky it isn't earlier' goes to show you have missed the point - she doesn't have a toddler, and your toddler is not her problem.

Shrieking and singing is just really inconsiderate. This should not be an ethical dilemma at all: the only polite response is 'sorry about that, we will try to be quieter.'

Eminado · 21/11/2015 07:17

I think your huffy response about her being 'lucky it isn't earlier' goes to show you have missed the point - she doesn't have a toddler, and your toddler is not her problem.

I agree with this too.
I am not sure where you are going with this but you surely dont think shrieking at 7am is ok just because you havr a toddler or baby?
Being a parent does not give you a free pass to be a twat, sorry!

I have a toddler, btw. Early riser. That is my problem to deal with - it's MY child. I think you are being very unreasonable!

SouthYarraYobbo · 21/11/2015 07:19

I would ignore then send a letter in a few weeks time asking her to be considerate to your family when she's getting up at 6 am (if you can seriously hear her).

SouthYarraYobbo · 21/11/2015 07:21

It's 7.30 not 7 and what the ndn calls shrieking could just be the sound of a toddler's voice.

Enjolrass · 21/11/2015 07:24

When your toddler wakes up, take them downstairs.

I have two kids, I always did quiet activities first thing. Yes it's difficult and not what I fancy doing as soon as I get up. But shrieking that early needs tackling. If you can't prevent the child doing it, take them elsewhere in the house.

ecuse · 21/11/2015 07:44

If your neighbours tell you that your shrieking kids are waking them up then you need to try to keep them quiet. Granted you won't 100% succeed, but there's no need to be a dick about it. She has every right to quiet enjoyment of her hangover :)

steppemum · 21/11/2015 08:01

hmm, I am a bit on the fence with this.

I think if you are waking the neighbours, then you should take the noise downstairs, singing , if you know they can hear, is pretty anti-social.

yes you can teach toddlers to be quiet, it is a good time to learn about quiet indoor voices etc, but it isn't an over night process, and 7:30 isn't that early.

Equally, she wakes you at 6 during the week, and there are other rooms available in their house.

Add to that the possibility that she will be disturbed by the new baby, I think I would reply.

'Sorry that you are being disturbed, it is difficult when the walls are so thin. We hear you getting up at 6 each morning. Unfortunately toddlers do not come with a volume knob and so it unrealistic to expect her/him to be quiet, but we will stop singing in bed, and try and go downstairs on a Sunday morning.
You may like to know that we have a baby due in the next few weeks, and babies do wake up and cry in the night, and there is nothing we can do about that. You may want to consider swapping bedrooms if this is going to disturb you.'

cosmicglittergirl · 21/11/2015 08:10

I think steppemum has nailed it.

The PA note thing is probably worse than a face to face chat, but if you can't bear it then the outline above is good.

I know how you feel, I live in a flat surrounded by people and can hear them coming and going at all hours, but I try not to overly disturb them with my two little ones and take them in the back room when they wake up. I want to be a good neighbour.

Scarletforya · 21/11/2015 08:22

steppemum's response is perfect. You do need to make efforts to be quieter. But you also need to make her aware if she's being noisy at 6 every weekday morning.

ecuse · 21/11/2015 09:26

Incidentally, do you think she's trying to subtly point out she can hear you shagging?

DoreenLethal · 21/11/2015 09:37

I would probably say 'We know you get up at 6:00 as you wake us up every day - I'd say 7:30 is jolly good with toddlers. Pot>Kettle. Notice we have never written to you to complain, we just get on with it'.

PandasRock · 21/11/2015 10:28

There is no point being passive aggressive about the neighbour getting up at 6. She needs to, tongi to work. The walls are thin (not her fault) and I assume she is not dancing about shrieking and singing, but rather it is general noise and movement the OP hears. General life happens, and it is nobody's fault that even the tiniest of noises can be heard.

But that is no excuse to be loud, shrieky and sing songs early in the morning. Some consideration for others is necessary when living so close together.

I know full well that toddlers wake early (my dd2 was queen of the early risers, and ds is currently competing for her title). But there is no reason to be loud and make intrusive noise which is otherwise unavoidable (note I not talking about a newborn waking at night - neither was the neighbour!)

NoahVale · 21/11/2015 10:34

i had a big row with my neighbour when she wrote me a note that my toddler woke her at 6.30 banging the stair gate. well, we got up at 6.30, i dont think he banged the stair gate, just opened it, we got up early.
in your position i would ignore.

NoahVale · 21/11/2015 10:37

I bought my toddler a toy drum but I would not do what I did, my neighbour didnt speak to me again.

Lweji · 21/11/2015 10:41

I would try and be a bit more quiet, but ultimately, if the walls are too thin and she has a problem with normal noise in the morning, then she could insulate her side of the walls.

I suppose the question is if the noise you make is normal for day time, or it's really loud.

sparechange · 21/11/2015 10:41

We have history with the parents also being very intolerant and writing us letters to complain about our dog barking in the past.

Err, not wanting to be disturbed by a barking dog isn't 'intolerant'. It is normal.

It sounds like you have got a long history of being neighbours from hell and not respecting their right to some peace and quiet.
If she came in at 2:30am and started playing music, would you move to another bedroom, or be annoyed that she was disturbing you?

I think given you have a history of disturbing this family, you can take your toddler downstairs to do the early morning shrieking and singing, and thank your lucky stars that you are getting notes and not a retaliation late night DIY habit from them.

PenelopePitstops · 21/11/2015 10:46

You sound intolerable. Dogs barking and kids shrieking.

We live in a block of flats, every weekday we were woken at 7 by a baby and his parents chatting to him, this was fine. At the weekend they were quiet until at least 8. They were incredibly considerate neighbours. When I had a party and they didn't get to sleep until 11, they said "don't worry, our baby probably wakes you at times".

This is how you should be, your toddler isn't her problem and nor should it be.

Lweji · 21/11/2015 10:54

Also pointing out that it is possible to have quiet toddlers, at least for long enough to get out of bed.

justfivemoreminutes1 · 21/11/2015 10:56

You sound like a nightmare, glad I don't have to live next door to you!

How would you feel if she started having friends round late at night and kept your newborn awake? No more or less unreasonable than singing and shrieking at the crack of dawn imo. Why should she have to forgo her lie in because of YOUR dc?! I suspect you enjoyed a lie in too, once upon a time...

Apologise and make an effort like normal people would.

FellOffMyUnicorn · 21/11/2015 11:00

She gets up at 6 and also wakes op at 2am when she gets in from a night in

I think if you can talk face to face and make the the thin walls the common enemy and see if you can both agree to try and keep the noise down in unsociable hours that might work

FellOffMyUnicorn · 21/11/2015 11:02

Oh no my error
Op didn't put that she wakes them at 2am

730 is quiet early, can't you go downstairs?

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