Is anyone else going through house clearance after death?

[ClearingAHouse]

I'm not sure where to put this and 'Bereavement ' doesn't seem appropriate. Is anyone else struggling with this?

Oh yes me. Mum died in May I've only just finished clearing the house,with the help of Dh. We still have the loft to go but it is on the market now.

I've found it harder than I ever imagined, I've had no help from my other sibling. I could cry with the stress and distress of it all.

How have you been? Have you run into many problems?

I cleared my parents house with my sister; my mum died first and then my dad couldn’t bare to get rid of her things he felt it was getting rid of her so when he died it was a double whammy.
They had so much stuff it was beyond mental but the best advice I got was to clear the larger furniture out first and then you can see what there is so we got a load of clear plastic clip and lock boxes for “sorting” and got rid of all the big furniture items first. The beds and sofas were old and we just got rid but the old wooden furniture we had some each and sold some but clearing this out meant we could actually see what there was and we moved it all into the lounge/diner and it wasn’t as overwhelming.
we had a local hospice come to the house to collect bags and boxes of stuff which was helpful but there was a lot of paperwork and photos so we boxed them and I kept them in our garage and we worked our way thru it all.

note to self - we try not to hoard as much stuff now (me and my sister) this was so difficult we vowed to have regular clear outs and label stuff in boxes so it’s easier to sort out.

I'm sorry you're both going through it too. It's very hard getting rid of things.

@MissFancyDay like you, no sibling help. Only just started but I'm sure there are hurdles ahead.

@Besidemyselfwithworry I didn't realise a charity could come out, so that's good to know, thanks.

They were really good we had bags of clothes and all sorts of bits and bobs they were very grateful and it made it easier for us.

So sorry for you, it is a very tough job. I am an only child and it would have been good to have someone to share the load. Although being alone probably made it quicker and no-one to argue with!

I think I was lucky when I cleared my Mum's house because I live in NZ and the house was in Lancashire. This made the decisions easier in that if I wanted to keep things I had to ship them to NZ. I kept hardly anything and have no regrets. Most things went to charity shops, some to a vintage shop and lots to a charity who needed bedding and towels etc.

It is very hard to see the things go and you have my sympathy 💐

Well I'm up this early on a day off because we're about to do the three hour drive with DH to FIL's house. BIL still lives there but will be moving out so our job today and tomorrow is the loft and the shed. Other BIL has done lots of hard bits so feel we need to contribute too.
Sympathy to all going through this with the emotional ties to the objects.

Yes, I'm doing it at the moment - we live around 300 miles away and I don't drive (although my husband does) so it's not been easy. We had a couple of weeks in July around the funeral where we sorted through things and came back with a car load of 'sentimental and definite keeps'. Now back again doing a basic declutter to get the house market ready. We just don't have the capacity or inclination to take items to different charity shops etc so a lot of stuff we're just moving to the garage and then I'm hoping we can just get a house clearance company in to remove everything when the house is sold.

I’ve been clearing my parents house for the past few years. One parent still living in the house which I think ages it harder. My sibling and I could sort things well between us, but every single thing has to be checked by parent to see if we can skip, sell or charity shop.

Plus both parents were horders, one still is, my sibling and I stand amongst the mess saying we will have to resort this all when the remaining parent dies, it’s heartbreaking and draining.

British Heart Foundation will take large items - if they're in good condition and sellable. They will come and collect as do some other charities.

If you can face registering for gift aid at an accessible charity shop it’s very satisfying. Towels, bedding etc. went to an animal sanctuary.

Yes, it's fucking shit. I feel like I'm erasing her life and it sucks.

I also feel panicked that i'm going to accidentally give away something important

Oh yes. I'm on Mumsnet right now as an avoidance tactic as I started sorting my mum's bedroom out yesterday and it's horrible. She was a 'war baby' and kept everything she ever owned. As well as my dad's stuff, and her parents stuff, and a couple of aunties' possessions.
As Lardy says, it feels like I'm erasing her life, and our family history.

When Mum died I found sorting through her clothes the hardest bit. In the end we bagged everything up and drove about 50 miles to take it to a Heart Foundation shop. They were glad of it as she had good quality clothes and handbags. We didn't take it to local shops as we didn't want to see someone else wearing her clothes. My niece had sofa. My sister and I kept a few cooking things like rolling pin and cake tin because Mum loved cooking. We couldn't keep large furniture as we already had our own so Heart Foundation shop came to collect beds, dining room table, chests of drawers, bedside chests etc.

My brother and i did this about 20 years ago and it was hard. Mum had died about 18 months before and dad died unexpectedly from heart failure.

I wanted to keep everything; my brother wanted to skip everything and it did cause some conflict between us which was horrible.

I have come to accept that it is ok to keep things, as long as you have got somewhere to store them, and then go through them periodically when you will realise that you have lost the emotional attachment and things are just junk and can be got rid of, or that it is time for someone else to get some use or pleasure out of them. I've still got far too much stuff of theirs though.

I'm interested in the 'get rid of large furniture first idea.

We haven't been there yet, but most of the large furniture is useful, as it stores stuff, has surfaces, or can be sat on / slept in (which we will need as live some distance away). I was envisioning books & clothes / linen first then who knows.

@ClearingAHousemy sympathies, it's the hardest thing to have to do when you're grieving from the bereavement. Donating things to charity can be a bit of comfort.
If it's all too much house clearance is an option but not for everyone even putting the cost aside.
You'll get through it somehow though.

Yes I’m in it, too. Although DH sorted most of it so far to be fair. I’ve been pleasantly surprised at the things DS has wanted to keep which has made it easier as I know I’ll see some things again. So far all I’ve kept a bread knife she bought in the 1950’s. I wouldn’t trust it to cut anything but it’s nice to see every time I open the cutlery drawer.

Had to clear out a family member's place a while back. Very difficult, time-wise and emotionally. Harder because they'd left everything to other people, so I felt a bit stressed about the decisions that needed to be made re selling/giving away things (and a bit resentful that one person who had inherited was far too busy in retirement to do any of the work). And the deceased was big on the environment so it would have felt bad not to do my utmost to avoid landfill.

But the worst is that some irreplaceable historical family docs went missing in the process. I'm so embarrassed as they'd been promised to people who now can't have them, and gutted because they were of emotional value to us all. I still wake up regularly worrying about what on earth happened to them. Could they have been taken to the tip by mistake? How? Are they stashed somewhere in my own messy house? Where? I don't think I'll ever stop worrying about this. Perhaps they'll magically resurface if we ever move house. Feel like I've let down the whole family. Ugh.

Ahhh you haven’t let anyone down. You were really kind to take the load in its entirety off the retired person in the first place.

I had to do this ( along with my husband, BIL and SIL) for a relative. They were a hoarder. We did so much and then realised we couldn’t cope and got in house clearance. We had a zero quote from them, meaning they kept everything they cleared and we didn’t have to pay anything.
My mother is in a nursing home and we have told her it will be house clearance first her house. She has had years to get her stuff in order. It is not just her stuff. It is stuff from her parents too.

Holy shit yes! Totally outing but I am normally a very resilient person but this has almost broken me. Very big house, just my parent living there so not looking overly cluttered. OMG every fucking cupboard or drawer I open, more stuff. Today I opened a drawer and found 2 keys taped to the bottom. They were labelled which was good. They were labelled ‘freezer keys Sept 1974’. This was the freezer that they got rid of 30 years ago. I have found receipts from the early 70s. A membership card from 1956. I am spending 7 days a week there and it barely looks any different from when we started 8 weeks ago.

I can’t just bin the lot as there is lots of valuable stuff in amongst the detritus.

That was exactly how I felt - that I was pulling apart the last remnants of reminders that she existed and once that was done there it couldn't be put back together again. Not helped by the fact that DM lived in Australia, and after the funeral I only had a week to sort her stuff out. I went through boxes like the white tornado (largely because I didn't want SIL to have any of it that had memories).

Just to add, my Dm died 5 years ago and apart from clothes DF didn’t get rid of anything. My only sibling died last year and me and my dad had to clear their house which was 200 miles away, a lot of it (two Luton van loads) ended up in my dads garage. So I am now clearing mums, dad’s and siblings stuff. Some days I just want to cry. I really hope others are doing better.

This is a fantasic approach thank you! I am dreading when my in laws pass, they have an absolutely massive house and floor to ceiling cupboards bursting full in every room. I know DH will be of no help whatsoever as he is like his parents - doesn't even throw out supermarket receipts from a few months ago!