Elderly mum interfering with chores and hygiene in my home - unreasonably angry??

[WingsTingle]

Not sure why but I am feeling really angry with my mother this morning.

She lives with me and two of my children. She has some mild chronic illnesses and mobility issues.

Ive posted about her before - she is generally unhygienic and careless with other people’s things around the house, yet insists on taking over when it comes to household chores - heaven forbid I try to use my own washing machine!

Generally, for the sake of peace, I let her get on with it, although I have been noticing a decline in the level of cleanliness around the house - to a point where I’m not happy. If I try to do a deeper clean of anything, she becomes really nasty, mocking me and saying I’m in a ‘cleaning frenzy’ or that I am a ‘neat freak’.

Today, I decided to take the bin inserts out and clean them thoroughly as they have been smelling bad. I added bleach and water and left them to sit outside for a short time to start lifting some of the dirt, intending to then scrub them all thoroughly before leaving them to dry. In the meantime, I scrubbed all the inside of the cupboard. All the time, mum was watching over my shoulder, making comments like, ‘I do clean that, you know’ - which she does, but only ever a cursory ‘wipe’.

I stopped for a drink and to make a phone call.

Came back to mum putting the bins back in the cupboard.

Told her I’d not finished and she said ‘I’ve done it’ - she’d dumped the bleach water on the lawn, brought them straight back inside and put new bin liners in.

So, no proper scrub and still wet.

I had to walk away, as it made me so bloody angry! I don’t know if I’m being ridiculous, but this is just one similar example. Why shouldn’t I want my home to be properly bloody clean, tidy and smelling nice?? It’s not like I’m criticising her - I’m happy to do these things but she just cannot let me get on with it, has to interfere them do a sub-par job and I’m meant to suck it up and be grateful for… in lots of ways it would be better if she didn’t do any of it.

Why is she living with you and not in her own home?

Why is she living with you?

It myst be so gard to assert yourself. She is quite nasty to you. But you don’t have to accept her domination. Go back now and finush what you started. Go ahead and have a fight about it.

Just be direct: “no mum you don’t clean to an appropriate standard. I will do as I please. Don’t comment on me.”

If she's capable of wiping down a kitchen, why does she need to live with you?
I couldn't stand living with my mum, different standards of food and cleanliness as well.

"Thanks Mum but I was going to give them a good scrub as they were starting to smell" then take the bin liners out and carry on as you were.

If she makes comments like "I do wipe that you know" just breezily reply "Thanks Mum always appreciated but I can clean my house too, why don't you go and put your feet up and I will bring you a cuppa in a but"

She seems to have forgotten it's your home.

She is a ‘professional victim’ and will villainise me to the rest of the family - it makes life very uncomfortable and adds to the amount I hate myself…
Lives with me because she didn’t want to be alone after my dad died, felt that she couldn’t cope, didn’t want to be responsible for bills, utilities, house repairs, etc, etc.
She cant drive so didn’t want to be isolated. Doesn’t have any friends, family all live a distance away or can’t be bothered…

All those reasons are hers - none of them are your reasons for why you agreed to this, except to avoid being bad mouthed to other family members.

Coming to live with your mother will do nothing to lessen how much you ‘hate yourself’, so if that’s going to be the case either way, why not move her on and focus on your children and yourself?

People do have different standards of social hygiene . It seems you and your mum have different standards on this. When adults live together this has to be dealt with or it wont work.
Communication is key.
If you said to your mum ,i appreciate we have different standards regarding cleaning. I wont tell you what to do regarding this if you don't tell me what to .
If you dont reach a solution this will make you both unhappy .
Are you thinking it isnt working out with your mum living with you generally.would you both be happier with alternative living arrangements?

This is really good advice.

Move her out . It’s only going to get worse . Two adult women in the home is a disaster .

How old is she? I’d be looking to move her out again, you could have years of this and it’s only going to get worse.

Also, she poured the bleach on your lawn?? That's a good way to kill the grass.

She needs to move out. Things ardn't going to change. Either that or be prepared for constant stress and arguments.

It is not sustainable to live with someone like that. She needs to move out and if she wants to complain to family that agree you are awful, she can live with them instead.

Make enquiries with your local Council about vacancies in sheltered housing and other supported living. You cannot let her continue to make your life a misery.

I don’t think you’re unreasonably angry given the bin, leaving it wet and putting bin bags back in is horrible! Saying that I think you’re both grating off each other- her calling you a neat freak etc isn’t nice and then you’ve called her a professional victim which I understand but also not nice.

I think you both need to figure things out. You need to talk to the rest of your family, you can’t spend your time gritting your teeth and biting your tongue in your own home. This might be an agreement being put into place with her or her moving nearby or going to live with your siblings, at least for a while. (If she starts being dramatic just say mum you have to admit we’d have a better relationship if we didn’t keep rubbing off each other!)

Tell her that if she carries on like this you will have to reconsider letting her live with you.

Just tell her that you don't like her cleaning, because it's not to your usual standards. Say you appreciate her help, but she's actually just giving you more work to do, so you prefer to clean yourself.

Time to consider supportive living or a care home. She's acting as if it's her house.

It is your home, remember that and start taking small steps to take back control. Use your own washing machine, you don't need her permission. I feel like she's putting you back in child mode by taking over certain things, but you can take them back. She can then accept it and show respect, or she can move out. It might be best if she does anyway.
Meaning this with all kindness - if she has always been difficult, given her relationships with the rest of the family, it won't get any easier in old age. They are just older versions of themselves. Loved my nan to bits, but the way she controlled my mam's daily life and played the professional victim card when challenged on appalling behaviour has stayed with me.

It could be good to start the process of discussing where she will live in future, maybe supported living. Try one of the carer charities, perhaps the carers trust. You may not define as a carer yet in your mind but it sounds like it's going that way to me, and it gets harder so try to think about what support you'd like for now and for the future x

How old is she? It doesn't sound as if any of her illnesses would currently stop her living independently and in terms of " not wanting to be alone", well huge numbers of widowed people get on with it. Obviously don't know her financial situation, but public housing availability for the over 55s is better in many areas than eg houses. A 1 bed flat near transport and shops is something to aim for. This won't work.

Not wanting to be alone is not a reason to inflict yourself on family…it doesn’t sound like you actually wanted the move yourself?
and to then make herself bloody rude and dictate to you in your own home?
why on earth are you putting up with this OP?

She will live on forever and you will become ill and depressed, which will impact not only you, but everyone in your family.

I think you have to suggest something like sheltered housing or a flat nearby. You can still do all her admin and visit, but there will be a sunset clause on it. By the sounds of it, there is nothing wrong with her at all that warrants living with you forever more.

I had my mother living with me for a year before she went into full time care. That was 8 years ago now, and I am still a bit traumatised TBH. Don't be me.

She needs to move out. Anyone who has a pop at you about it can have her move in with them.

Does she pay rent and her share of the bills?