Elderly mum interfering with chores and hygiene in my home - unreasonably angry??

[WingsTingle]

Not sure why but I am feeling really angry with my mother this morning.

She lives with me and two of my children. She has some mild chronic illnesses and mobility issues.

Ive posted about her before - she is generally unhygienic and careless with other people’s things around the house, yet insists on taking over when it comes to household chores - heaven forbid I try to use my own washing machine!

Generally, for the sake of peace, I let her get on with it, although I have been noticing a decline in the level of cleanliness around the house - to a point where I’m not happy. If I try to do a deeper clean of anything, she becomes really nasty, mocking me and saying I’m in a ‘cleaning frenzy’ or that I am a ‘neat freak’.

Today, I decided to take the bin inserts out and clean them thoroughly as they have been smelling bad. I added bleach and water and left them to sit outside for a short time to start lifting some of the dirt, intending to then scrub them all thoroughly before leaving them to dry. In the meantime, I scrubbed all the inside of the cupboard. All the time, mum was watching over my shoulder, making comments like, ‘I do clean that, you know’ - which she does, but only ever a cursory ‘wipe’.

I stopped for a drink and to make a phone call.

Came back to mum putting the bins back in the cupboard.

Told her I’d not finished and she said ‘I’ve done it’ - she’d dumped the bleach water on the lawn, brought them straight back inside and put new bin liners in.

So, no proper scrub and still wet.

I had to walk away, as it made me so bloody angry! I don’t know if I’m being ridiculous, but this is just one similar example. Why shouldn’t I want my home to be properly bloody clean, tidy and smelling nice?? It’s not like I’m criticising her - I’m happy to do these things but she just cannot let me get on with it, has to interfere them do a sub-par job and I’m meant to suck it up and be grateful for… in lots of ways it would be better if she didn’t do any of it.

I don't blame you for being angry and frustrated but guessing she is in your home by invitation.

How do your kids find her?

I’m afraid, you are going to need to treat her like a child. “I’m cleaning this cupboard out today. Leave it alone, so I can finish it when I’m ready.”

You might need to make her uncomfortable.
“Shall I teach you how to do it properly?”
”Oh no Mum, you’ve done it wrong. Take it out and give it a proper scrub. If a job’s worth doing it’s worth doing well!”

So she will literally suck the life out of you, she is doing, this is abuse… she’ll probably live until 100 and genuinely ruin any joy or happiness you have in life and when she’s gone you’ll be old. Get her out of your home! She’s ruining your life!

Why do you care if shes a professional victim and would complain to other members of the family? They're probably know what shes like and if they didnt.... who cares? You could always ask them if they want to live with her.
None of the reasons youve listed say why you allowed her to move in with you and I dont really understand why you dont put her in her place?

How old is she? She is almost certainly old enough to move in to sheltered housing (I think they're usually for over 65). The trouble is you are a people pleaser so it will be hard for you to make her move. Would you consider having some therapy to help you stand up for yourself? At the moment it seems to me that someone wants something and so you just let it happen, but you have every right to have your own wants and needs even if it pisses someone off. It's particularly difficult to deal with your mother because she raised you to be like this, you have to overcome her programming while she is there doing all the emotional manipulation that made you like this in the first place.

If you can't bring yourself to force her to move for your sake, do it for your DC's sakes. Even if she isn't impacting them directly she is sucking your emotions and energy that you could be putting into your DC.

However much she bad-mouths you to other family members, it’s highly unlikely they will want her to move out of yours and in with them!

If she villainises you to the rest of the family, tell them that she can move out of your house and live with them.

She sounds utterly unbearable and I would make her leave. Who cares what the rest of the family think and say. She is horrible to live with and is basically ruining your life.

This!

A lot of the time it works out really well to have extended family living together, and is the norm in some countries/cultures. Many in the UK do it, and it can work brilliantly.
But you've got to agree on groundrules. So have a sit down and talk about it, and explain you have to find a way for it to work without constant arguments, or you'll have to seriously think if it's sustainable. Not as a threat, but a genuine need for your quality of life.

I had versions of this with my late dad...

I did the 'treat him like a recalcitrant child'..
It just led to even more circular arguments..

It was absolutely fucking soul murder.

Yes dad, you haven't cleaned down the table properly where you've just sneezed all over... And the reason I'm binning the roasties is same reason...

He'd insist that he'd cleaned the downstairs loo down... And he had made some attempt but frailty /perceptual difficulties/general not being good at cleaning... Ensured the downstairs loo was always a state of grimness...

I got sooooo fed up woth the circular conversations /levels of grumpiness..

Also, I just didn't want to spend large parts of my day cleaning /having tedious discussions about said cleaning.. Towards the last few years of his life, I was regularly having to clean down all the loo/the floor and sink... 4/5 time daily.. 😱 That's as well as all the other care tasks... Cooking /physical care and keeping his social life togethrr

You need to stop caring about what she says about you and what others think of you.

If any slander comes back to you, be mysterious. Say, "There are two sides to every story." Then leave it to their imaginations. If you are ever accused of any specific wrongdoing, say, "I'm sorry she feels that way."

Your trump card is to ask any critics to have her move into their own homes to relieve you of the burden.

When dealing with your mother face to face, say, "I don't remember asking for your opinion," (on decisions you make wrt your own cleaning). "I'm sorry you feel that way," will also serve to start building a wall around yourself.

Agree.

None of those are reasons for her to live with you! My god she's done a number on you, probably your whole life if you're still accepting her shit in your own home.
I doubt you'll be able to do this, but she should be moving out.

None of this explains why she lives with you, only why she wants to. If you can unpick that a bit it might help you to deal with the current dynamic.

If you had a normal relationship Id suggest bright and breezy and reassuring might be the way to go, but Im not sure you do.

Think practically.

Mum I've made you an appointment at the optician's. I don't think your eyesight is good anymore.

You can get this bus there.