Why do carers assume the woman will handle elderly parents' care?

[Ghostlyglow]

Why do all staff (nurses, carers, all of them) always think the woman present will do all the caring? Dealing with these people in regard to my partner's parents is a nightmare because they direct everything to me. Obviously my partner will intervene if necessary but it just seems to waste so much time. I've had to start turning away, or even walking away, when they talk to me instead of him all the time which feels really rude but it's the only way sometimes.
Anyone else experiencing this? It's driving me mad because of course I'm interested and of course I care but these aren't my parents!

It’s quite obvious isn’t it? Unpaid care work is overwhelmingly done by women. Globally.

I'm guessing it's because in the majority of cases it is the woman who's dealing with it - although I agree that they shouldn't assume that.

Rather than just turning or walking away, you need to say to them that they need to be talking to your DH not you, as they are his parents they are dealing with - that might make them think about it a bit more.

Are they your parents or your partner’s?

if it’s your mum and dad, and you’re there with the nurses and carers then why wouldn’t they expect you’re the right person to talk to?

The OP clearly says 'my partner's parents'.

It's just misogynistic isn't it OP, assuming a woman is going to be more involved in caring for her male partners parents.

Because they usually do!

Patriarchy. Sexism. Misogyny.

This. It’s not just carers -l think most people just expect it. I just decline point blank. Like OP l would literally walk away, after saying in a very pointed way “best you ask Steve as they are HIS parents”

My partner's. I said this.

You think it's ok then? I should just expect it?

Patriarchy, sexism, misogyny, as another poster put it. Social services in particular will happily wash their hands of anyone in need who lives with a woman because it’s assumed that she will provide the care, regardless of her situation (working FT, health issues of her own, etc). A man who offers care will be told he’s “so good” for doing what’s assumed to be part of a woman’s natural duties.

So do you correct them? Say ‘I won’t be doing this you need to talk to John’.
I imagine many carers are told ‘oh don’t talk to John I’ll be the one doing it he’ll forget’ so default to the woman unless told otherwise.

Completely normal because 9/10 it’s the women who get shafted with the care responsibilities. Patriarchy/Wifework.

Can you avoid some of these meetings so they get used to dealing with DH rather than you?

Aside from that, I would just point to him wordlessly…

Because to a lot of women that is what women are for caring for everyone and kids and grandkids

That is their role

I'm going through this with my dad. I've told them I have health issues which means I can't take on his care, plus I had surgery 2 weeks ago. Not to mention the way my dad has treated me all my life; I always know when he wants something because he rings me- he never rings otherwise.

No it isn't ok, doesn't mean it isn't true.

Agreed.

It's the same kind of ingrained sexism which used to, and possibly still does, see car salesmen talking to the man even when they had been told it was the woman who was buying the car! I've been car buying solo for a number of years now with no problems so I don't know if that would still happen if I took a man with me.

Do I think it’s ok that the global economy, in many ways, rests on the shoulders of (unpaid) women? No. But that’s not what you asked. Are you genuinely confused as to why you are assumed to be the default carer? Or are you frustrated that the assumption is made?

And oddly enough, the nurse, carer, social worker, person in charge, is usually female, and still expects the female family members to take over the care

Don’t go to the meetings. I have stayed out of PIL care issues completely. I listen, I care, we make decisions about finances together but actually be there? No way.

but as PP above. Sexism patriarchy misogyny…

That is a pretty common message from other women too. It is an unwritten social rule that women will provide this work.

Because someone has to care for the old and vulnerable. Why is your husband not stepping forward?

Both really @W0tnow
I kind of hoped we weren't still stuck with those stereotypes but honestly we seem to be moving backwards as a society.

But how did your partner react to that @NChangeorama ?Mine pretty much insists I'm with him at all times. Drives me mad tbh and sometimes I'm pretty sure it actually slows things down and complicates matters.

He gets it. He knows I support him but I’ve done end of life care twice and my mother is frail and his mum and dad are his. He has sibs so is not doing it alone.

Just be clear up front. I just said “Hold on please, you need to speak to my husband they are his parents”. They apologised and after that it was clear and no issues.