What’s reasonable to expect from siblings?

[alladvicegratefullyappreciated]

I (youngest D of 3) live close to ailing DM (Alzheimer’s) and DF (cancer currently well controlled). Both 80. Carers x twice a day for DM. DM is early late stage so things are getting hard to manage. I cover a lot of appointments for DF as he can’t take DM with him. Plus see them at least for an afternoon each weekend. Work FT, 2 teenage DDs one Y11 both dance so lots of driving around in eves. DH getting very angry re input from DBs who live 2.5 hours away and come for a night about every 2 months. Both work FT and no kids. DH and I having arguments on repeat. What’s reasonable to expect of sibling contributions living further away?

It sounds like your DH is making things more difficult for you. How much of the running around and caring (like cooking, shopping, admin) for your DDs does he do? Is it that he thinks you should do it all and is pissed off that helping your parents is getting in the way of that?

In answer to your question, I don't think you can expect anything of your siblings, it is entirely outside of your control. It would be worth suggesting that they increase the frequency of their visits, but being 2.5 hours away means that they are not going to be all that much support.

It's times like these I'm somewhat grateful I am an only DC.

There is no normal here and your DBs may be doing as much as they feel they can manage with a 5 hr round trip, Maybe you could ask them to take on some admin tasks if you're doing that.

If your DH is angry because he feels you should be doing less, can you up the carers, or sometimes your DF could use other transport- age concern may be able to give details about volunteers- for his appointments.

In a perfect world, the load would be evenly spread. 2.5 hours isn't realistic for day to day care but even coming to spend a weekend once a month would be the very least they could do. Maybe every three week, so you can all have a turn doing a weekend as often as each other.

Did your dp ever help out with your dc when they were younger?

Is the issue how much they visit or that they are pontificating about “what needs to be done” ie what you (muggins) need to do?

You can't expect anything. You can ask, but they have a right to say no - as do you.

And it's absolutely none of your DH's business to be starting arguments with you about it. How does he think that will help?

I am the sibling in this scenario and manage to make the trip home once every 3 months but can’t afford to do it more as I have to stay in a hotel when I am there.

it sucks not being able to help more I don’t think the feelings of guilt will ever go away. I do however organise the weekly meal shop and manage all of the finances so there are things your brothers can do remotely to help out.

as far as the you have 2 kids and your brothers have none this comment is unkind and irrelevant. Just because you have children doesnt make you any more important or any busier than someone without.

Expect nothing

it would be fair and reasonable to share support of your parents amongst the three of you, eg by your sibs taking turns to cover weekends and anything that can be done at a distance while you do the weekday jobs. But families don’t always work like that and one person ends up doing more.

Is it realistic for your DM to be at home for much longer? Have you had discussions with your siblings about this?

It’s not reasonable to decide what is reasonable for someone else at all. It is not for your DH to decide what his in law are able to provide in the way of care for your parents, it is up to them.

If he wants to do less, then that’s up to him but he doesn’t get to decide it for other people, including you.

They could visit for the afternoon once a month each , meaning that you could then cut down your weekend visits to twice a month and get back some family time and downtime.

Also is your DH angry because he feels you are doing too much, or because of the knock on impact on him. I suspect it's the latter. Even if you weren't looking after your elderly DPs the driving teens around at the evenings and weekends would still remain.

Having seen how badly let down my mum was by her 3 sibling RE my gran’s care and all the work dumped on her and me, I am glad I am an only child.
Now she is dead and I can’t see the relationship ever going back to how it was.

Can your parents get extra care/support in? Do you have to do the travel to medical appointments?

I'm the sibling who is 2.5 hours away. So much depends on individuals - some people are happy to do five hours driving in a day plus a load of jobs when they're there. That's more than I could manage in a day. A lot depends on how demanding or physical their jobs are, what their own household commitments are. You can't make them do more. But you can choose how much you do!

I'm the "local" sibling, as my DB is even further away! Is your DH fed up because you aren't getting time together as a family or because he doesn't want to pull his weight with household tasks?

This is probably the time to make a list of all that you do for them, work out what you realistically can do. You could explain to your siblings what you can't do any longer but acknowledge that some will need to be taken over by carers.

Nothing. It’s up to each of you individually to decide how much to contribute. Don’t contribute more than you are willing to, and then you won’t resent siblings for lesser contributions. But that doesn’t help as it’s not you doing the resenting, it’s DH!

If you are spending a lot of your non-working time running around after other people how much quality time do you actually spend as a couple?
It's easy for the work load with elderly parent to creep up and before you know it you might as well just be housemates. When my DH was doing a lot of running around for his parents I got very concerned about the impact on his own health and even without teen DC to run around there were weeks we barely spoke face to face. Take a moment to think about what can be outsourced for your own sake before you are run into the ground.

I think you can’t control their level of input only your own. You can tell them you can’t do xyz and ask them to help source additional care. This might bring home to them the level of care needs. Reality is this is a good time to source additional care that can be scaled up when necessary.

Exactly this.

At 2.5hr they just arent going to be that useful

The question is what is 1 per month vs once per 2 months giving you
If its 2 weekends off pm with your family which you desperately need yanbu

But you need to clearly position it that way
"I can provide this level of support on your behalf but i need 1.weekend per month from each of you in return"

You could ask they each do 1 weekend a month, 2 nights each.

Plus are there admin things that can be done from a distance you could share between you?

But if they won't, they won't.

Are there POAs in place?

If your brothers could do a weekend per month each it would be ideal. But how do your parents have stuff set up ? all bills on direct debit, stuff like that. MIL doesn’t and faffs about paying some stuff every month and quarter.

Put yourself first! In the same way that others in family can’t be made to do more ( though you can suggest), you too can set boundaries of how much or how little you want to do. You must have things you want to do that aren’t caring for others? Even if it’s just to sit on the sofa and flop. How much time do you have for yourself? It sounds like 0 to me..
you are going to burn out if you continue at this pace - for most people looking after your own children is more than enough! If you burn out you may become ill and then some thing else would have to be arranged for DM and F. ask DBs and yourself to imagine that actually happening. What would be done in such a case? Then you will have your answer. Be strong.

As others have said, you can’t make your brothers visit more frequently if they are not interested. I tried to get my male cousins to help out with our aunt & they just made excuses not to (I had 3 small children & theirs were grown up, all lived a similar distance away)

I’d maybe have one more serious conversation with them, laying out how things are & how much time is needed to support them.

Do they have the kind of jobs where they can work remotely for even part of the week? Then maybe they could come for longer and not have to do a long journey in a weekend.

If they won’t get involved more, maybe ask for a financial contribution to make things easier for you - eg pay for taxis to take your dad to appointments, pay for a cleaner (for you or them).

Re your husband’s attitude- it does not sound very supportive but can you change visit timings so you have more time together? A whole half day each weekend is a lot.

Unfortunately you can't expect your siblings to do anything and your husband is being unreasonable putting even more pressure on you when you are already under stress. What, if anything, is he doing to make your life easier? He should already be doing 50% of household tasks, life admin, kids stuff.

If he has issues with your brothers, he should raise them directly with them.