Mum can no longer live alone, advice please

[Loveheartsandlockets]

You know how wedding magazines publish the step by step guides for planning and event organisation? I wish there was a magazine that published a step by step guide for how to care for elderly relatives.

My mother is 85 and has always been fit and independent. She has deteriorated rapidly during December and now can’t hide how incapacitated she is.

I am convinced she has had a stroke but she wont go to the GP. She is lucid first thing in the morning but disintegrates during the day so much so that by 8pm she can barely function.

I live a 2 hour drive (100 miles) away and she won’t move closer to me. I still have DCs at school so I can’t move closer to her.

As a newbie, how do I go about getting help? She will refuse daily carers, I know, as she will make allegations about how carers mistreated her own mother.

Apart from Help The Aged, please will you give me some websites and details about how to start the care journey? I am also going to have to go against my DM’s wishes for care - not in a bad way but for her own good. I fear that she is going to fall down the stairs and have a terrible accident.

Thanks.

What sort of care are you thinking of? If she won’t have carers? And I assume has capacity to refuse them? She has the right to refuse help, even if you think she needs it. If she understands and is prepared to take responsibility for the risk then you have to grit your teeth and wait for the crisis.

There are many threads on here about refusenik/denial parents - its a tough road.

Can you get her to use a Careline/emergency alarm, so if she does fall she can summon help? Check her council website or google careline/lifeline.

Otherwise step 1 is her finances - does she have savings over £23k? If so she will be paying for her own care. If not it will be council funded care, and she will need a care assessment first.

Subquestion - do you envisage her moving home, and if so does she own her home?

We got DM to have a care alarm fall pendant thing by having the one from Age UK - she was happy with that one as I think she felt it was more of a donation to charity to help "the elderly" rather than a service for the elderly, IYSWIM? And carers come in to help her with the washing and household things and just happen to make her some dinner, or put her to bed, whilst they are there after they've emptied the kitchen bin kind of thing. Subtle differences that mean a huge amount to DM.

I have a lot of experience with my own family. The advice I give will not be good to hear but will be echoed on the Elderly Relatives threads.

At the present time you cannot do anything that is ‘against her wishes’. Once you contact her LA elderly care department, they will contact her. She will say she does not need help and they are powerless to enforce her. You have to wait for the inevitable crisis. The fall, the wandering or what ever it is.

The only time they step in forcibly is when she is deemed a danger to herself or others. Their interpretation of danger to herself will be wildly different to your own.

It seems harsh and cruel but while she has even limited capacity, she isfree to make her own choices.

If she is agreeable,there are some practical things you can do.
Power of Attorney
Change her address to yours so that you can monitor bills and appointments
Key safe
Personal monitor

AgeUK do exactly this, they have guides and support lines for all kinds of topics.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/arranging-care/

The link above takes you through how to arrange care and what assessments will be needed.

Thanks, everyone.

She has an alarm but she leaves it around the house and can’t find it. One example is just a few days ago when she was going upstairs to bed and got her arm stuck in the bannisters. She’d left her alarm and phone downstairs and was there for about 3 hours until she managed to free herself.

I do know what you mean about letting her lead her own life and have stepped back so far.

She needs help with washing, dressing, cooking, shopping, etc. She has a cleaner who comes in once a week by my DM uses that as chit chat time so, no offence to the cleaner, the cleaning doesn’t get done.

Thanks for the links. I will trawl through this section. Usually I’ve been on the teenage threads!

If she has a cleaner that she trusts and you can’t check in on her often enough, what about getting her to come in say three times a week but making it clear that you expect some household jobs to be done in that time, but some level of chit chat is ok and presumably helpful to your mother’s mental health. She could then call you if any concerns.

my parents are a bit younger but live many miles away and as an only child, I worry about this a lot. Sounds very difficult.

What sort of alarm has she got? My DM continually forgot her pendant alarm but was much better with a wrist one.

She also has some sort of magic box in her kitchen which monitors her activity - the company give me a ring for all sorts of things as it can pick up if she hasn't moved about like her normal routine, to tell me the house has gone cold, it's amazing.

I'd strongly recommend you post on Elderly Parents, the advice there is great.

I'd also plan to get LPA done and register a letter with her GP that they can talk to you about her medical issues (she obvs needs to agree). Officially they can't talk to you without her consent but I found bursting into tears on the phone usually shifted this - but it's not exactly a long term strategy! The surgery wanted a letter signed by her and it has made both our lives a lot easier.

My Mum was the same with the alarm. She only started wearing it all the time when she fell down the garden steps and had to drag herself to the house to call for help. You can’t do anything if they have capacity. My Mum’s doctor would never see her in person, it was always a phone consultation. He dismissed a pain in her chest and shortness of breath as a pulled muscle for well over a year. When she had a stroke and ended up in hospital, she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I’m not saying the outcome wouldn’t have been the same, but her quality of life might have been better had she been diagnosed and treated earlier.

My cousin and I tried to persuade my Mum to get someone in to do a bit of cleaning, to be in the house when she had a bath, more as company for her. She refused point blank on the grounds that she couldn’t afford it. And died leaving £1 million, some of which could have been used to make her life more comfortable. I genuinely thought she was hard up as she lived very frugally. If I’d known she had had a fraction of that I’d have had her brought home with24 hour nursing for her last days/weeks rather than dying in the hospital that she hated.

Good luck. It’s such a difficult time.

What about an Alexa, you can ask it to call someone or to call 999.

Hi. My mum has just gone into care. I was in the same situation as you mum refused any help apart from a cleaner. Anyway at aged 88 she fell and broke her hip, she had a bad time being mobilised and spent 12 week in rehabilitation.
They wouldn’t let her home unless she had carers. She’s hated them from the off. Things went from bad to worse she had two more life changing falls. and at 92 after a long stay in hospital the social worker decided she needed full time care.
Has your mum got the wrist pendant. My mum couldn’t get on with that one, preferred the one to wear around the neck.
If you could get her to the GP he would probably send her to the memory clinic which would get the ball rolling. Other than that if she refuses everything, it’s just a horrible waiting game. Hope she’s seed sense soon . Good luck.

You may need to get tough with your DM to get her to see the GP - and not alone, you need to go with her.

I had an absolute slanging match with my DM when she was getting iller and iller. Eventually she realised I wasn't backing down and reluctantly came with me. GP fixed her problem there and then. I'd had months from her of 'you can't get an appointment anymore, what can they even do for me, and so on and so forth'

She was so embarrassed after and hasn't done it again.

As others have said, it’s very difficult if the person is in denial or refuses help. I recently found some old emails about my aunt. I’d forgotten a lot of what went on. She had no children of her own and as the nearest female relative it fell to me to sort things out even though her nephews did not have small children and had been very close to her growing up. I did it for my dad’s sake really and because I knew I would not be able to help my own parents much when they needed it due to
living far away.

There were multiple occasions of her going missing, falls, flooding her flat, etc.

Alarms etc are not much use if there is no one nearby to respond.

It was only when she was hospitalised after a fall that a proper assessment was done & it was acknowledged she needed help. And only when the organisation running her block of flats said she could no longer stay there that the LA agreed to her going into a home.

Oh Power of Attorney! (Elderly Parents Bingo winning wild card advice).

Tough Love. When things go wrong ask “well what did you expect?”, when she has a problem say “oh dear, how are you going to deal with that?” This strategy forced PIL to acknowledge they needed help, which has made life a little easier.

Save your energy for dealing with crises. They are inevitable however much you put in place to prevent them.

OP, my dm was determined to stay in her own home and lived a long distance away.

We organised a cleaner, a gardener, farm foods delivery, a weekly home hair dresser, a weekly taxi ride to the shops, and one to a community centre for an old folks exercise class & lunch.

One thing each day meant she had something to get up and dressed for. Someone to say hello to and make a cuppa for. All of them had my mobile number so they could ring if something didn't seem right.

Monthly home foot care. Occasional home optician. Plus family visits.

Often, old folk deteriorate through loneliness and lack of stimulation. We were able to keep dm in her own home which is what she wanted until her last few weeks. And it was less expensive than a care home, although it took quite a bit of organising.

You can contact adult social services for advice but ultimately if your mum has capacity she can refuse. Would she allow an increase in the cleaners hours so she can come round a couple of times a week? Would she accept a home delivery for food or something like Wiltshire farm foods or meals on wheels? Does any local charity offer a befriending service? You could discuss your concerns with her gp so the next time your mum sees her gp they can asked some questions.

Even when they have dementia getting them to accept necessary help can be a nightmare. It's obvious to anyone who goes to mum's house that she isn't keeping on top of cleaning, especially the loo🤢 but she is absolutely insistent that dhe cleans it every day. TBH I'm not sure I'd even believe every month! But she is ferociously opposed to me organising someone to come in who will clean/ change light bulbs/ do a bit of admin etc.
All of us live at least an hour away, the 2 closest work full time and mum never calls us with a problem but thinks she can sort it herself which means we turn up on our regular visits to find a massive job we aren't prepared for rather than a small job we could sort easily with the right warning.

I would also receive care line with a wrist pendant they seem more difficult to leave around

You can write to her gp with list of your concerns
Some practices have elderly care nurse who csn drop in for a home visit and go thru a checklist.
Ask the cleaner to come 3 x week including ond evening and do shopping, cleaning etc

I second the idea about asking the cleaner to do extra days. We have been thinking along similar lines for DM.

Also, as previously mentioned, she may find it easier to wear her alarm on her wrist and see if she would keep it on 24/7.

@AnnaMagnani can you tell us more about the magic box?!?! Sounds interesting. Do you have a link???

@FaithfulorTraitor I thin my mum has a Taking Care wrist alarm with the Taking Care Sense home monitor.

Had no idea about the monitor when we subscribed but it's been very helpful. It keeps an eye on the temperature - they rang me to tell me her house was too cold, turns out her boiler had gone and she was trying to fix it herself.

It also learns how active you are in the house - hers is in her kitchen and knows what time she gets up as again, when she had a cold and stayed in bed all morning the care company gave me a ring to check she was OK.

https://taking.care/

Apply for Attendance Allowance on her behalf

I have professional and personal experience.

Firstly does she have savings over £26k? If so she's likely to have to pay herself.

If she has under £26k or close a social services assessment is a good first step (you can request it even if your means are higher.

Consider what help she needs? Preparing meals? Personal care? Housekeeping? A good cleaner/housekeeper/home help could be a good first step to getting your mum used to help, many will do laundry, fetch shopping, prepare simple meals, change sheets.

If needs are very high, her house isn't suitable and/or she needs company is residential care what she needs.

Finally, does she have capacity to decide?

Pm me if you need more information or I'll check back tomorrow

Thanks @AnnaMagnani that looks very useful.

Hi,

I have my mother in hospital about 10 days now, she can't walk and lost speech.Doctor is coming to see her but I don't know what to do as she lives alone and she can't go back to her flat as she is unable physically and mentally. She is not able to think about herself.

Hi @Agapielpidha I'd recommend starting your own thread.

The hospital will need to consider how she will manage on discharge, whether that means equipment, a care package or not going home.