Mum can no longer live alone, advice please

[Loveheartsandlockets]

You know how wedding magazines publish the step by step guides for planning and event organisation? I wish there was a magazine that published a step by step guide for how to care for elderly relatives.

My mother is 85 and has always been fit and independent. She has deteriorated rapidly during December and now can’t hide how incapacitated she is.

I am convinced she has had a stroke but she wont go to the GP. She is lucid first thing in the morning but disintegrates during the day so much so that by 8pm she can barely function.

I live a 2 hour drive (100 miles) away and she won’t move closer to me. I still have DCs at school so I can’t move closer to her.

As a newbie, how do I go about getting help? She will refuse daily carers, I know, as she will make allegations about how carers mistreated her own mother.

Apart from Help The Aged, please will you give me some websites and details about how to start the care journey? I am also going to have to go against my DM’s wishes for care - not in a bad way but for her own good. I fear that she is going to fall down the stairs and have a terrible accident.

Thanks.

Sorry to hear this, I have been following dr elena music on Instagram and she has a carers masterclass for £50 which might not help with arranging care but will help with the rest. Good luck x

Do you have Power of Attorney in place? If not, that's the very first thing you should address.

GP can listen to your concerns.

OP I agree social services won't be able to assess her unless she agrees. But in your shoes I would still refer her to them as this will show that you are concerned about her and trying to get her help.

Look on facebook for The Carents Lounge. Very helpful.

There is a company local to me that can do care domestic tasks and companionship, so it can be things like cleaning, shopping, laundry, meal prep, food shopping, and welfare checks. They will also just spend time with the person if that helps. Not sure if there is something like this in your mum's area?

Thanks for the new info and I too would like to know about the magic box!

I don’t mind sharing info with @Agapielpidha as it’s only a matter of time before DM has a major fall and I need to know what to do once she will (inevitably) admitted to hospital.

My DM has an alarm that goes to a company that will then contact me in an emergency.

I’ve had a long hard chat with her today and she thinks she’s going to drop dead one day and won’t need all this planning. I said that no, she needs to prepare for a long decline and she needed to make life more comfortable for herself if she wanted to stay at home: ie a stair lift, handles near the loo and doors, a walk in/sit down shower etc. She has the money which she is saving for my DCs but I told her the best present would be for her to spend it on herself.

Lots of talking, we now need to make sure some action happens.

Thanks you for all your hints,tips, advice and suggestions. All taken on board.

Have a look if there is a falls prevention service nearby? Or a 'care and repair' service? These should be able to offer rails etc. alternatively a referral to social services occupational therapy for assessment, but the waiting list can be long.

Thank you to all for your replies, very helpful.
The doctor are looking to discharge her as she is not treated for being unwell.The only problem is she after found on the floor 10 days ago is confused, can't respond well physically and mentally. Have requested for the doctors to reassess and arrange 24h care unit temporarily for a short period and reassess.
I hope she is going to get better .
Thanks for all your support.

It's not so much the doctors that need to reassess but the physios and occupational therapists. Hopefully the medical team have referred to therapies?

OP could you consider a live in help? Almost like an au pair?

You could sell it to her as a PA? Rather than carer?

She may have had a stroke, she may have developed a thyroid condition, she might have a uti, she might need B12 injections, she might be drinking during the day. It’s really important that she sees a doctor.

I would love this to happen but I don’t think the funds are available. If I won £20m on Euromillions then I’d try and find a live in butler for her.

Hi OP I'm in your position too, and previously also on teenage threads ! My DF though lives locally but I work FT and have my own chronic issues meaning my energy levels are super low . My DF has capacity but won't hear of getting POA sorted out. He doesn't want to have to play for care even though he can! He wants me to do it :) , and like your DM,he has really deteriorated this month . I'm going to start making suggestions , but it would be interesting to hear what other ppl are saying about getting started.