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Elderly parents
Original poster

My DH is fed up with my dad living with us

28 replies

AllAboutMargot · 20/10/2023 15:14

My dad is 88 and has been living with us in an annexe for 15 years. He was independent when he first came here, doing his own washing, cooking, shopping and cleaning.

These days, he doesn't go out unless I take him and will literally just sit all day doing nothing. It's getting me down. He never asks if I could take him out anywhere, he just waits for me to suggest something. He's not interested in doing anything with people his own age. He's fully compus mentus, but does a lot of sighing and groaning. He also has a very negative outlook.

My dh is always complaining to me about him. For example, he found out that my dad wants to leave money in his will to my brother (who he never sees). He said that if my dad does that, he's going to stop doing things for him, because he should be leaving it all to us if he appreciates us what we do for him.

I love my dad, but I also understand some of my dh's frustration. The whole situation is getting me down.

OP posts:
FlipFlops4Me · 20/10/2023 15:22

Maybe your DF should spend all of his money on paying for care - that would solve the problem of him living with you, and mean that neither of his children was favoured over the other?

Mindymomo · 20/10/2023 15:25

Have you spoken to your him about him leaving his money to his Son. Is it your annexe in your house and does your father pay any rent. My own DF when my DM died did try and go places with his neighbours and friends, but didn’t like it, so mainly stayed at home or came to our house.

Pezdeoro41 · 20/10/2023 15:26

This is a very difficult situation and perhaps the above poster is right that you need to look at different arrangements (if you would be happy with that).

i don’t think your DH is reasonable that your brother should be cut out of the will and that you should get all his money. Did he think this was transactional?

ButterCrackers · 20/10/2023 15:34

Sounds like an assisted living centre could be a good idea. Your dad could pay for that and you could rent out your annexe.

Nodashians · 20/10/2023 15:35

My friend was in a similar situation, her DF did pay her £500 per week but it still put a big strain on their marriage. They also had a thing over the Will when at one point he was going to leave a biggish percentage to other relatives and both my friend and her husband thought it should nearly all go to them (which it did).
I remember suggesting lots of times that they/him need to pay for outside help but there was always an excuse for them not to do it.
He lived with my friend for nearly 15 years and sometimes it felt as if she and her DH’s lives were in hold waiting for him to die.

TheyreEatingThemInNelsonAndTheBluff · 20/10/2023 15:36

he should be leaving it all to us if he appreciates us what we do for him.

What a prince Hmm

Soontobe60 · 20/10/2023 15:37

Your DF can leave his money to whomever he wants!!! Your DH is quite the charmer isnt he?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/10/2023 15:38

Come on. 15 years living with someone to do a nice thing and hearing that they are going to leave money to the prodigal son? I'd not say it but I would think it.

Although I wouldn't be in this position as I would have enough of FIL in 15 days, let alone years.

WillyWalker · 20/10/2023 15:42

If your Dad were to claim Attendance Allowance for all the help he needs that could be £80 a week he could give you & DH?

Sparklfairy · 20/10/2023 15:53

I think the situation is very different depending on who paid for the annexe first of all. If it was DF, then he's added significant value to your house. If it was you and DH, it's a different story.

Lots of parents leave some money to their estranged children, but you don't say (don't know?) how much. I think your DH is very crass and entitled to expect all of it.

Aquestioningmind · 20/10/2023 16:00

Soontobe60 · 20/10/2023 15:37

Your DF can leave his money to whomever he wants!!! Your DH is quite the charmer isnt he?

This.

Your ‘D’H sounds like a money-grabbing piece of pond scum.

Tbh I think anyone here should try being 88 and seeing how peppy they feel. My DH is similarly miserable but I’d never say anything and I’d certainly never complain about it - people get miserable as they get older. It’s just a given.

You poor dad.

Gillypie23 · 20/10/2023 16:02

Maybe your dad could pay for carers take the pressure off you. Your husband has no right to say who your dad leaves money too.

Pandora55 · 20/10/2023 16:09

I kinda see where you dh is coming from. He's living in your home, you're taking care of him, and he's leaving money to a son who sounds like he couldn't care less about him. I'd be miffed. Especially if it was me paying for the house/annex that he's living in.

You must be worn out yourself. Your df needs to start expecting to pay for outside care now. You can't do it all xx

BethDuttonsTwin · 20/10/2023 16:14

Your Dad sounds depressed. Could you help him ask his GP for a referral to Old Age Psychiatry? It’s a field I used to work in and they were brilliant. They in turn can make referrals to social meet up groups that he might find helpful.

Besides that what do you and your DH expect? He’s 88! His needs were only ever going to increase.

UnevenBalance · 20/10/2023 16:20

If your dad is living in the annex, how much time is he spending with you as a family?

The issue seems to be that you are all getting frustrated at how your dad has chosen to live his life and feel it is up to you to make it different.
Eg you say your dad is groaning and puffing. When are you aware of it? Is he spending much time with you in the main house or is it only when you pop round to see him? I’m wondering if there is a reason for it oyswim.

That would be my first step - re establishing boundaries on how much you spend together and how.

Then I suspect you need a chat on how much support he needs. Unsurprisingly, he’ll need more now than he first came to live ‘with’ you. Does it mean it’s time now to introduce outside help? Even if it is someone to take him out a couple of times week. What would make the most difference to him and you?

Re the inheritance.
I think your DH is totally out of line there.
I also appreciate it’s his frustration coming out but your dad can leave money to whoever he wants and most people would agree that leave the same amount to all his children is the Fair way.
You CAN have a discussion about finances and how much he is paying for the food/rent/care he is getting whilst staying with you.

Original poster
AllAboutMargot · 20/10/2023 16:40

Thank you all. I've read your replies and just need time to digest.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 20/10/2023 18:36

Although I understand some of your DH's frustration, he is still bang out of order trying to dictate how your Dad divvies up his money in his will and I would really pull him up hard on that one. Most parents want to feel that they have been as even handed as possible with their offspring, whether they see them regularly or not. Your Dad is doing nothing unusual there at all and your DH needs to keep out of it.

Your Dad is very fortunate to be able to live with you in an annexe like this and I am sure he does appreciate it really. However, people's worlds are often shrinking quite a bit by his age and I do see this with my own mother, also 88.

You might be doing too much here yourself. I agree with those suggesting that it might be time for your Dad to consider paying for some carers to come in. That could ease some of the tensions there.

My mother still lives in her own house and not near my sister and I although we visit quite often. It's a small bungalow so all on one level and she can move around it. She pays for carers three times a day and either my sister or I take her to the supermarket each week. She also pays for a cleaner. She has a gardener who comes every couple of weeks for a few hours as needed. She wouldn't have it any other way.

Good luck. Looking after elderly parents is not easy at all. It is not for the faint hearted, that's for sure, and what you don't need is DH making it even harder with inconsiderate remarks.

cptartapp · 20/10/2023 18:56

I can't believe your dad agreed to do this to you and your family in the first place and that none of you thought long term how it might end up. I have two friends that have done similar and are now struggling, both on antidepressants as the years roll on and on.
Maybe it's time your dad spent his money on assisted living elsewhere (with a social environment) and gave you back your life.

Autumcolors · 20/10/2023 18:58

I wondered if your Dad was depressed.

floofbag · 20/10/2023 19:00

Why don't you get your dad a carer / companion to take him out or get him to go to clubs ?

slaggybumbum · 20/10/2023 19:29

Poor dad. He is 88 yo, where the fuck do you think he is going? He isn’t going to suggest anywhere if it will put you out having to take him.

I have elderly mum and have tried to arrange activities for her to go to in order for her to stay aware and sociable eg church coffee morning, OAPs line dancing etc. It is a very hard problem though, what do old and infirm do all day? Is there anyone locally who is older or more infirm he could go and visit? Any hobbies/ activities he might enjoy.

Leaving the money in a will is a tricky one too. My mum would like to leave all her money to golden child, who does no caring/ visiting because ‘ they are just so busy’

My mum comes and stays with me regularly, husband not terribly happy because we do not have an annex, just a small spare bedroom. She leaves a trail of destruction wherever she goes; we have to hide things like toothbrushes, phones and credit cards, as she picks them up thinking they are hers. Fuck getting old, perhaps the alternative isn’t so bad after all.

EmotionalBlackmail · 21/10/2023 11:20

Your DH is out of order about the inheritance, it's up to your Dad who he leaves his money to.

BUT as a child who grew up in this situation it will be having a knock on effect on everyone else's life. Which is why I'd never have my parent living with me. Is it stopping you doing family activities, going on holiday and the free time you should be enjoying with your DH/children? That's how it ended up with my grandparent living with us in an annexe.

Who owns the annexe? Could your Dad move into some kind of assisted living/sheltered housing?

Climbingthehillfast · 27/10/2023 21:40

Does he contribute towards costs or rent?

Redshoeblueshoe · 27/10/2023 21:52

If he was independent 15 years ago why on earth did he move in with you ?

Original poster
AllAboutMargot · 11/11/2023 15:27

Yes, he contributes towards bills. He was in rented accommodation before he came to live with us. My mum was still alive then, she needed care, that's why they moved to our annexe 15+ years ago.

This is an example of how my DH is always picking on my DF via me. I cut up a pear. DH does not like pears. I ate half, then took the remaining pieces across to my dad. DH asked me, with faux incredulity, why I was quote "always take pears over to your dad" . Because he likes them!

Sounds absolutely pathetic, but I'm close to breaking down with the constant petty niggling from DH about DF.

OP posts: